Twilight's Robert Pattinson Claims Badassest Movie Vampire Title! Spout.com's sports writer, Adam Forrest, recaps the week from ringside (read below). Outraged? Join the discussion: WTF? Pattinson the Ultimate Badass Vampire?
Top row:
Bela Lugosi (Dracula), Robert Pattinson (Twilight), Salma Hayek (From Dusk Till Dawn), Kiefer Sutherland (The Lost Boys), Wesley Snipes (Blade), Christopher Lee (Horror of Dracula), Monica Bellucci (Bram Stoker's Dracula), Paul Reubens (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Bottom row:
Gary Oldman (Bram Stoker's Dracula), Tom Cruise (Interview with the Vampire), Lauren Hutton (Once Bitten), Danny Trejo (From Dusk Till Dawn), Kate Beckinsale (Underworld), George Hamilton (Love at First Bite), Catherine Deneuve (The Hunger), Max Schreck (Nosferatu)
Vampire Cage Match Recap
by Adam Forrest
11/21/08
16 iconic movie vampires faced off on Monday 11/17/08. Each day you voted and the winners moved up as the losers' remains were poured into the alley. The results have been tallied, and five days later Twilight's Robert Pattinson declares victory over the most badass vampires in cinema. I was lucky enough to score a front row seat at Spout's Vampire Cage Match. Here's what you may have missed:
ROUND ONE (11/17)
Gary Oldman vs. Bela Lugosi
Oldman whispered something into Lugosi's ear before the bell rang. We strained to hear it, but we could only hear Lugosi's reply: "You're velcome." The bell rang, and Oldman changed. I mean literally, he changed into a big wolf, and soon it became painfully clear that Lugosi's more a lover than a fighter. Oldman clamped his wolf-jaws on Lugosi's left arm and yanked. The sound was like when you pull a carrot out of wet soil. Ew.
Tom Cruise vs. Robert Pattinson
They moved like lightning! A good match, but it would've been great if they'd put more energy into striking and less into protecting their faces.
Monica Bellucci vs. Catherine Deneuve
These ladies are prettier than Cruise and Pattinson, but man, it seemed like they didn't know or didn't care. Both got some great licks in, but after Deneuve closed for a grapple, it was Bellucci's round.
Salma Hayek vs. Lauren Hutton
Salma Hayek was heavily favored, but Hutton's experience quickly won out when Hayek's steam was gone and all it took was a black-painted pinky fingernail to the throat.
George Hamilton vs. Christopher Lee
Hamilton must have been weakened by his tan, because Lee had the easiest fight of the event. We expected him to beat Hamilton, but not in a mere six seconds!
Kate Beckinsale vs. Wesley Snipes
Beckinsale was clearly trying to land her boot into Snipes' crotch, while Snipes was attempting to connect with some grandiose roundhouse kicks. Suddenly Beckinsale unleased a monstrous roundhouse of her own, and it took Snipes' head clean off! The head rolled out into the audience, who scrambled for the souvenir.
Max Schreck vs. Paul Reubens
Everyone feared Schreck, but in the way you're afraid to touch gangrene. Nobody expected him to survive this match. Reubens came down on Schreck in a frenzy of tooth and nail, but Schreck swallowed him like a snake with a rat. Even the people wearing Nosferatu T's felt it was over the top.
Danny Trejo vs. Keifer Sutherland
In an astonishing feat of strength, Trejo pried a steel bar from the cage and began battering Sutherland about the head and neck. His swings would've crushed cinderblocks, but Sutherland wouldn't go down! Sutherland wrestled the bar away from Trejo, impaled him with it and did a wicked looking air-guitar riff. Good match.
ROUND TWO (11/18)
Gary Oldman vs. Robert Pattinson
Oldman didn't bother turning into a wolf this time. That was his first mistake. Pattinson was fighting much more aggressively this round, and his punches seemed frightfully powerful for a vampire his age. WHAM! The chandeliers were rattling. WHAM! We could see new bruises forming on Oldman's chest. WHAM! Oldman was down.
Oldman was down?
Lauren Hutton vs. Monica Belluci
Monica Bellucci was enraged by Oldman's defeat and took it out on Hutton. The fight was not long and Hutton looked like a drag queen in a truck-stop brawl.
Kate Beckinsale vs. Christopher Lee
Lee had the reach advantage, but Beckinsale compensated with some stunning maneuvers. She finished him with a flying knee.
Max Schreck vs. Keifer Sutherland
One of the most brutal fights I've seen. Schreck slashed at Sutherland's face and arms with his grimy yellow nails, and even managed to bite three fingers off Sutherland's right hand. Sutherland was reeling, growing faint, but just when we thought it over, he lunged and bit Schreck's schnoz off. Schreck fell into a rage, like a rabid wolverine, but Sutherland had the control now and finished him with honor.
ROUND THREE -- SEMI-FINALS
Robert Pattinson vs. Monica Bellucci
Bellucci, still hungry for vengance over Oldman's death, was upon Pattinson before the bell rang. Pattinson was in serious trouble. When Bellucci kneed him in the groin, he vomited blood. If Bellucci hadn't slipped in it, she might have kept the upper hand. Before he finished Bellucci, he looked at her with a sense of compassion, like he knew the depth of her heartache and this was a mercy killing.
Pattinson was our first finalist. A lot of people were cheering; a lot of people were booing.
Kate Beckinsale vs. Keifer Sutherland
Sutherland's cuts had healed from his fight with Schreck, but his fingers hadn't grown back. He was favoring his other hand, so Beckinsale fought defensively, caught his striking hand, and broke it. Sutherland fought on, throwing well-aimed head butts. He fought valiantly, but Beckinsale's rigid martial arts training won out over his rockstar ambitions.
ROUND FOUR -- FINALS
Robert Pattinson vs. Kate Beckinsale
Beckinsale looked like her pupils were made of Mercury from the moment she entered the ring. An article had come out the night before that, although she defeated Sutherland, she fought like a girl. It's a criticism she's tried to prove down for several hundred years now.
Pattinson was casual and brooding, the clear crowd favorite. From the beginning he had an advantage, swift and young with a physical power that outmatched Beckinsale. I've seen Beckinsale on a good day relaxed and focused, but there was too much riding on this fight and she was exhausted from previous fights.
Pattinson finished her in a stylish and slightly condescending bite to the neck, and in those final moments we couldn't tell if they were fighters or lovers. We knew one thing: They were vampires and love runs red between them.
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