marymcilwain

Under discussion:

Against All Odds  (1984)

Dirty Dancing  (1987)

The Karate Kid Part II  (1986)

Pretty in Pink  (1986)

Footloose  (1984)

"If You Leave" by OMD - From: "Pretty in Pink"

What teenager can't imagine the heartbreaking, beautiful sadness of only being allowed one more night, for whatever cruel, cruel reason.

Never mind the blatant contradiction of OMD, singing in one line that they won't let go of us at any price, and then quicker that you can exhale a deep, soft shuddery sigh of resignation to stay, they're stating they'll be running in the other direction the second our feet hit the pavement. Those New Wave British Synth-Pop groups are all the same.

"Against All Odds" by Phil Collins - From "Against All Odds"

There is something just absolutely irresistible about Phil Collins' sad-sack honesty in this song. "I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You're the only one who really knew me at all."

It's so weepily pathetic you just want to wrap him up in a blanket, share a cup of hot cocoa and have well deserved, long-needed cry with him. Misery loves company after all. But when Phil belts these last lines out, "Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here, and you coming back to me is against all odds, it's the chance I've gotta take," it's time to sit him down and explain the cold hard reality of the situation to him. Poor guy.

"Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera - From: "The Karate Kid Part II"

"Just like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago, just in time I will save the day, take you to my castle far away."

Despite the terrifying image that this line creates, one of Peter Cetera racing toward us, feathered hair a-flying, on a grand white steed, whilst sheathed in heavy armor, this song really cuts right into your heart. And he so earnestly and intensely stares right into the camera here, nay, into your soul.

And regardless of his being so creepily intense, you know that Peter just really and truly believes in the power of lyrics such as these: "You'll keep me standing tall. You'll help me through it all. I'm always strong when you're beside me. I have always needed you. I could never make it alone.?"

And maybe the only reason he is sometimes off putting is just because you love him so much that you can genuinely imagine him whispering, "I am a man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you're dreaming of. We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love," in you ears while he makes to you sweet, sweet, creepy, love.

"She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze - From: "Dirty Dancing"

Yet another candid, solemn set of deep feelings set to the power of the written and sung word. But these are so especially special, because they are both written and sung by our very favorite Video Curator hero, Mr. Patrick Swayze.

Powerful and simple, yet cheesily artful, and of course set to the video of Dirty Dancing. The reason this song is so deeply loved, is in part, because of such bold statements, "I look in the mirror and all I see, is a young old man with only a dream. Am I just fooling myself that she'll stop the pain? Living without her, I'd go insane!"

YES - you know you've been there. Patrick is a simple man, speaking simple words of truth, directed at your ear drum with the power and authority of cupid's brutal arrow. If you even attempt to claim you've never thought you'd go insane without a certain other's love and affection you will hence be banned from the soothing, healing light of all things touched by Patrick Swayze.

"Almost Paradise" by Mike Reno & Anne Wilson - From: "Footloose"

"And in your arms salvation's not so far away, it's getting closer, closer every day! Almost paradise, we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more"?

How indeed. Well, what's missing? Why have they not reached paradise yet, we listeners may wonder?

For these two we can only assume this song is referring to early-stage relationship, sexual encounters. You too, can relate. The elation and excitement of the first couple times, but maybe you are not quite comfortable enough to, how do you say, "Cross the threshold"?

"I thought that dreams belonged to other men, cuz each time I got close they'd fall apart again," says Mike. And in response says Anne, "I faced the nights alone. Oh how could I have known, that all my life I only needed you"? To which they both reply in swelling synchronicity, "Oooh almost paradise we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more"?

In short, a song of hope; of sexual honesty. We're rooting for you two kids. Take heart, and keep on trying. That orgasm will come. So to speak.

According to film (which would never lie to us) there is at least a 50/50 chance that at some point in your life you may become the victim of a forced, accidental or even purposeful body snatch or switch. As you know, the result of this is your brain/soul becoming switched or shared with the brain/soul of a foreign body. In case of a body-switch emergency, this quick and easy guide will show you how to not only deal, but completely and gracefully overcome the adventure in a 90 to 120 minute window filled with hilarity and heartfelt meaning.

1. Realization

It all starts upon waking from a deep sleep, a slow-mo sequence involving your ghostly essence being lifted out of your body and implanted elsewhere or brief knock to the head. First of all, relax. In most cases, you will come to realize your situation by seeing a face other than your own in the mirror, hearing a strange voice talking to you in your brain or coming out of your mouth, suddenly recognizing things in a house you have never been in before, or by having flashbacks to situations you have never been in, including the imagining of your girlfriend’s mother, 20 years younger, in the sack.

2. Acceptance

You must quickly accept this situation as inevitable to keep the plot moving along. But rest assured you are in good company. Did you know the likes of Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Jody Foster, Robert Downey Jr., and Cory Feldmen, have all been either mistaken or unwitting victims of a body switch?

Once you accept your situation you must decide whether to keep your new body or immediately try to get out of it. Perhaps you are a 13 year old boy who suddenly has a man-sized johnson with a CEO’s earning potential to match. You may consider staying in your new big body for a while, but know this: if things were that easy, everyone would wish to be “big” on a Zoltar machine. Either way, you will, in most cases, end up having get out of your fake body, so keep this in mind through your adventures.

PS – If you are not “sure” whose body you inhabit, it is a good rule of thumb to not have sex, with anyone, under any circumstances. You never know…

3. Convincing others

Tricky, and in most cases, unnecessary, but each case must be judged on its own merits. You may require the help of another in your switch-back, particularly if you are one in the “cheating death” category, and have recently employed a holy man of generic middle eastern decent.

This is one of the easiest steps however. If you do need to convince someone of your alien-brain to hasten your switch-back, all you need is to display a random personal quirk or share a secret that only you, in your unique position could know, but something that is extremely unlikely that your host body would ever know.

4. Atonement

There is likely a perfectly good reason why you are in your current predicament, and this is also likely very obvious the entire audience. Try not to take it too personal that your bumbling and confusion in this matter, while embarrassing to you, is entertaining to them. If you didn’t want to make an ass of yourself for the amusement of others, you really should have gone into another line of business.

Now, there are usually only a few explanations for your predicament; that this is some sort of personal failure on your part, hence, your needed atonement. Likely reasons include:

a. Greed (Want to be older, younger or avoid death)

b. Important lesson to be learned from person you are switched with, likely due to severe egomania on your part

c. You are dead

If you are dead, try not to take it too personal. This is usually some kind of whimsical plot devise that has the audience either knowingly chortling or wiping away a bitter-sweat tear.

Your personal failings may be hard to accept, but you are going to have to suck it up and deal for the good of the plot. The reason for your switch will become obvious to you through a natural progression of events, and is directly related to your path of atonement. It is important for you to completely accept the reason for your switch, and right those wrongs. This is a life changing experience for you, look beyond the superficial, and confront the very darkness of your own inner workings. And stop tormenting that old man down the street.

5. Post-switch back behavior

Once you have righted any wrongs and/or received a token swift kick to the ass of your ego, you will be switched back to your original body. You are expected to react with overwhelming gratefulness, heightened appreciation of your original situation and the people around you followed by a respectful humbleness. You have just been through a very trying ordeal, but it is important to remember the deep life lesson that you have been taught, without being too haughty about it. You are now a little bit wiser, try and keep it that way.

For further instruction, recommended viewing includes: Chances Are, All of Me, Freaky Friday (1976), Big, Dream a Little Dream

Under discussion:

Dave  (1993)

The American President  (1995)

Air Force One  (1997)

Idiocracy  (2006)

Patriotism lives in our heart of hearts, after all. And in honor of what the US Presidency should be, or at least, should aspire to be, here is a list of fictional film Presidents who, for all their faults, are still better than our current White House Resident-Evil.

The American President – President Andrew Shepherd’s major flaw is horniness. Lonely widower wants to make time with a hotty environmental lobbyist. And what’s wrong with that? Well, Americans like their Presidents either in sexless marriages or completely virginal, for one, and opposition Senator Rumsom really knows how to hit below the belt. He attacks the Prez on the grounds of moral corruption, and the lady on the ground of “Grand Slut-itude” with the usual right-wing flourish for keeping sex in the headlines and on the minds of the very American People who claim to abhor it. But President Shepherd knows there’s what’s right and there’s what’s right, and sticking up for his lady rather than siding with the Phantom Moral American Electorate, despite his poll numbers, makes him the bigger man in the end.

Air Force One – It’s fairly hard to find any weakness in Harrison Ford’s portrayal of the ass-kicking President James Marshall, save one, and it’s a big one: He NEGOTIATES WITH THE TERRORISTS!! The first rule of American Presidenting, the very first thing they teach in Presidenting 101, is that, We the American People NEVER Negotiate with Terrorists. Unfortunately, President Marshall breaks that rule here when under duress, to save his daughter’s life. Huh. But do we hold that against him, when looking upon his administration’s legacy within the historical context of the film? No, because he made up for it in spades by kicking ass in major ways, killing the bad guys, the bad guys helpers, and saving the day.

Dave – This guy really puts our current “leader” to shame. He is everything that W claims to be, just a normal, beer-drinking kind of guy with a no-nonsense view of the world, and simplistic solutions to complex policy problems. The difference? Dave actually solves the problems, explains the issues with clever antidotes, and gets his cabinet to agree to self-explanatory, meaningful budget cuts for the greater good of furthering actual policy. We suspect the fact that Dave has a 5^th grader’s command of the English language is giving him a bit of a unfair advantage when in direct comparison to George, so maybe we are bit being a bit unfairly biased here. But P.S., he's not even really the president, and he still does a better job.

Idiocracy – There is no better way to describe the smack-down awesomeness of President Camacho than as evidenced by his State of the Union speech: “Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit. I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now.” He knows how to sway a crowd, speak moronically to the masses, pass blame around a room and make plenty of empty promises. Well then, how is he better than Bush you might ask? Simple. He admits when he is wrong. He may have condemned Secretary of the Interior Not Sure to death for failure to fix “all the shit’s that’s fucked up,” but when he finds out that Not Sure in fact, DID fix up all that shit, he stopped the public execution by Extreme Monster Truck Elimination. Now that’s the kind of president we want in our corner. Ding!

Conclusion: Needless to say, there is hardly anything earth shattering being stated here. At this point, anyone, from the idealistically- portrayed, Hollywood movie characters, all the way down the line to that guy outside our office eating the last quarter of week-old burrito from a trash can, would do a better job than our W.

Only 17 months to go…

Under discussion:

Thelma & Louise  (1991)

Tombstone  (1993)

But will your friends kill for you? A lot? Willingly die? Maybe you haven't had a chance to put that one to the test yet. The Curator begs to question, does sex matter? Let's find out.

The Films: Thelma and Louise, Tombstone

Viewing order importance: Either will do, but recommended as above. Because the Curator says so.

Thelma and Louise: A fine example of chic-flickiness, directed by Ridley Scott. Yes, Ridley Scott, with a plethora of wonderful co-stars that the Curator will resist writing about as we are wont to sometimes do. Abusive men and monotonous jobs set these 2 off on a date with destiny. Everything packed? Well let's see, scarves, sunglasses, fishing net, gun....wait GUN? Thelma what are you doing with that? Uh oh, here comes trouble.

These ladies were just out for a bit of fun, some good Ol’ Fashioned Honky Tonk Bar Dancing fun. But it's a good thing that gun is handy when Thelma almost gets raped in the parking lot, inspiring the birth of....the Toxic-Shock Avengers!! Females on the run, and ready to take no shit. Louise is ready to kill a man with his pants around his ankles in Alabama for her friend. That takes some ovaries. So what else will a girl do for another?

Well Thelma finally gets laid proper by the torso known as Brad Pitt, but that sneak steals all of Louise's money. Fucker! So to make up for it, Thelma turns to armed robbery. Not bad, not bad. But THEN! Thelma stuffs a cop in the trunk for Louise, and they both take on the gross truck-driving tongue guy. They've officially found their crime niche, and are pretty bad ass by now. But hunted. "How many times will they have to get screwed over?" muses our Harvey Keitel, one of only 2 friendly man types in this film? In the final fateful standoff, they decide to die together, rather than be taken alive. Thelma suggests, Louise agrees, a kiss, a hand grasp and off the cliff we go. Damn, that's tough ladies.

Tombstone: Already filled with manly comments such as "I'm your huckleberry," "Skin it," "Pull out that smoke wagon," and "Wyatt Earp is my friend," one wonders how much better it can get. Let us see how far man will go for other man.

First you've got the brothers, perennial co-stars Sam Elliott and Bill Paxton, who schlep their wives out to Arizona to be with brother Wyatt, and then you've got Val Kilmer, pre-facial mole removal, and glittery with laboring sweat as the fabu Doc Holliday. And all are be-decked with mustache. We are off to a grand beginning.

It's all fun and games at the start, boys making money, bonding over barroom drinks with the wives tucked safely at home, slowly addicting themselves to Opium. But when they need a "new sheriff in town," the brothers have a rift. Co-stars feel it's their duty, but Wyatt doesn't want to get involved. He reluctantly does when the cowboys are waiting for some man-slaughter at the OK Corral. Step up, Mr. Holliday. He is always ready to die for Wyatt. When Wyatt tells him its not his concern Doc says "That is a hell of a thing for YOU to say to ME." Well.

Gun fire craziness and the battle is won, but those cowboys are out for revenge. Kill Bill, maim Sam, and the wives are out of there. That leaves Wyatt, Doc and some cowboy defectors to close this deal. When it comes to the final showdown, Wyatt knows he can't beat that crazy Ringo. To save his friend Doc pulls himself out of his lunger bed, bleeding from the mouth, and finishes that guy off with the quickest gun-pull that side of the mighty Miss. We consider this quite a feat, considering the Curator can hardly get out up out of a chair after smoking a couple cigarettes. In the end, Doc is only taken out by the TB, after sending Wyatt off to his unending happiness.

Conclusion: It doesn't appear that sex matters much in the “willing to die for your friend category.” It could be just the circumstances, or the timing. The moral is, if you have that friend, the one you think will step up, hang on tight to that sweaty, scarf-sporting, gun-toting maniac. You never know when you're gonna need them.

Under discussion:

The Breakfast Club  (1985)

Crocodile Dundee  (1986)

Desperately Seeking Susan  (1985)

Examples you ask? But of course! The three most important lessons of the successful love affair can be learned, right here, from:

The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Crocodile Dundee

Lesson 1 - You CAN TOO Change Someone (The Breakfast Club)

Stereotypes are very easy to overcome. High school cliques are only as powerful as the kids who believe in them, so let's break down these walls! All we need is a little pot to lose our inhibitions. Jocks aren't so bad! They feel as sensitively as the nerds do. The bad guy isn't really so "bad" either, in fact, he may even sacrifice himself for the good of everyone else! And people really care about each other! Even though all your actual high school experience may tell you differently, all you need is 8 hours locked in a room together, some drugs, a couple of tears, and some soul searching confessions, and everyone can work out 100 years of high school clique programming. And fall in love. If the object of your desire doesn’t appear to be changing, you really must not be trying hard enough. When all else fails, blame yourself. And try again.

Lesson 2 - Looks Are Everything (Desperately Seeking Susan)

A makeover can, and WILL change everything about your life, because looks are everything. Think your life is boring and unexciting? Well, there’s nothing a quick shopping spree won’t fix. Got your eye on a snazzy, second-hand jacket? Go ahead with that purchase young lady. And what’s this in my pocket - a mysterious key? Well, open your heart to me, crazy black jacket, and let’s see what sort of alter ego we can collaboratively come up with. Whoops! Now I’ve got amnesia! Darn it all. But luckily, I found a suitcase full of crap, black eyeliners, and stolen jewelry, so I can become my own hero: a crazy, flighty, punk rock slut with an affinity for being in the wrong place at the right time. A few misadventures later, and I’ve become Madonna’s best friend, ditched the boring suburban life, and found me the man of my dreams. Thank you, accidental make-over!!

Lesson 3 - Opposites Attract = Smart Dating Advice (Crocodile Dundee)

Bored Newspaper heiress seeks adventure “down under.” Wanted: Craggily faced native for long walk-a-bouts, near death experience by ‘gator, and long, simplistic musings under the light of the Australian moon, eventually ending up in a gratuitous SECOND “fish-out-of-water scenario” in New York City.

Just because you and your new soul mate come from different worlds doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dive head first into the shallow end, attempting to prove everyone else wrong. By all means. What we know from extensive analysis of Crocodile Dundee is this: every major life change one undertakes will end happily. Love conquers all. All you need is love. As long as you are in love, you'll always have a happy ending with a complete stranger after hangin' in the bush for 2 days. And dont be afraid to kick off your shoes, chase down your loved one through the streets of Manhattan, and participate in a romantic, modern-day game of "telephone" in a crowded subway.

Lesson recap: Try to change someone, looks are everything, and happy endings are real. Follow this advice. Follow it to the end, to the death! You will never be disappointed, and your life will be filled with joy. Now go forth, and love someone. Hard.

Under discussion:

Dirty Dancing  (1987)

Dirty Dancing - that quintessentially classic film and required viewing for all pre-teen girls. The film that spawned an unfortunate resurgence of interest in early 60's pop music, and a breadth of bad fashion throw-backs. A coming-of-age film, a thinly veiled sex-instructional. A film about rebellion, and innocence lost...the Curator is drooling.

On the eve of its 20th anniversary, a rare, private screening has been arranged. So get your Keds on, roll up those cut-offs, and get ready to vastly change over the course of a three week summer vacation. Here comes everything you you’ve ever wanted to know about Dirty Dancing….a 3-Part analysis on the life and growth of Baby.

Part 1 - Nobody Puts Baby in the Catskills

We open on a happy scene, a family driving off to a long overdue summer vacation in the Catskills. Innocence is established with cutesy teen “Baby,” hugging dad on the neck from the back seat while “Big Girls Don’t Cry” plays softly in the background. It is apparent our Baby is growing up. She may be still naïve, but she is ripe for discovery.

The happy family arrives at happy vacation spot, and it turns out dear old dad is best pals with resort owner. The fam’ will be receiving extra special treatment. Oh yeah they will, in BOY form. First thing Baby does is snoop around and eavesdrop. She overhears old man Kellerman encouraging the waiters to show the daughters a good time, “even the dogs.”

But then….enter Johnny Castle, who tells Robbie the waiter to, “Just put your pickle on everybody's plate college boy and leave the hard stuff to me.” Oh my. Now the Curator can only imagine what he means by this phrase. Perhaps a bit of constructive criticism on his waitering technique? Whatever the case, when Baby sees Johnny and Penny dance the Mambo together later that night, she gets a bit of a funny feeling inside.

Part 2 - Baby Crawls out of the Playpen

Kellerman’s is BORING! What’s a girl to do while the folks Foxtrot? I guess I’ll go on a walk…..Huh, Staff Quarters, No Guests….Wonder what could be going on up there….Wowza! What are these kids doing? Sheesh, they’re almost screwing on the floor! Dirty dancing has arrived!

“Wanna try it?” asks friendly boy-type Billy who also just so happens to be Johnny Castle’s cousin. “Uh-uh,” Baby shakes her head, looking down at the floor. Boys have cooties!

But Baby soon proves unable to resist that beckoning finger call from Mr. Castle, she is drawn to the dance floor, thus receiving her first instructional from Johnny, a bit of masturbation if you will. Roll this way, Baby, thrust that way, Baby. It all happened so fast, and just when she is beginning to “get it,” it’s over. But there’s no turning back for Baby after that taste.

Fortunately, Ex-Rockette/Dance Instructor Penny gets herself “into trouble.” Then, Baby learns a cruel lesson, not all boys are honorable! You mean that she’s preggers and the boy KNOWS and won’t HELP! Unheard of! But seeing how this is her chance to Mambo her way into the hot man’s arms, Baby gets Penny some money to “take care of it,” and some free dance lessons. Now she must learn the very dance she saw only days before, courtesy of Johnny “All the Right Moves” Castle.

While learning all the steps and twirls, Baby is exposed to some light, friendly lesbian play and a quickie threesome, but the true lesson comes only with the lifts. The Lifts!!

She must run and leap through the air graceful as can be, a soaring eagle, a sexually liberated woman. And it’s all about trust. Johnny tells her, “Now, you'll hurt me if you don't trust me, all right?” Awe, a metaphor for a real, live relationship. Our Baby is growing up. Sniff. But, she fucks up it during the big show. Ooops. Guess Baby still has a few things to learn.

Part 3 – Baby Learns to Fly

After the big show Baby gets another harsh lesson from dear old Dad. Turns out she lied to him about what the money she gave Penny was for and now he doesn’t trust her anymore. So she runs to The Swayze for a bit of comfort, and a good old fashioned, wholesome, free-range sausage party. “Do you love me now that I can dance?” Indeed. Post-doin’ it, Johnny suddenly realized he is not on a first name basis with the girl he just boned, and has the class to ask her about it. To which he replies, “Frances. That's a real grown up name.” Good come back, Johnny! But, he is correct. Baby has simultaneously shed her virginity and her ridiculous childhood in one fell stroke, arriving with a short, heel-burning skid into womanhood. Now if only there was a chance to somehow have another dance scene so she could perfect that darn lift….

But meanwhile, sex can’t solve all her problems. Baby is discovering that the world is not the place she thought it was, that somehow her sheltered existence bedecked in rose-colored glasses didn’t prepare her for the harsh realities of the real world. Huh. When Johnny is accused of stealing wallets, Baby has to own up as his alibi. Strong girl that she is, she announces to the entire resort, “Johnny couldn’t have taken the wallet. I know it. I just know it. Because he was in his room all night. And the reason I know he was in his room all night is that because he was fucking the shit of me.” For some reason Dad reacts badly to this, as does resort owner, and Johnny gets fired.

Baby/Francis is a broken girl/woman. The world has crumbled around her. Cruel World! The Swayze has driven off into the…driving rain, alone with his thoughts that take on a poignant, musical form(a song deserving of permanent adhesion in the Movie Music Hall of Fame), and Dad is so angry he infamously puts Baby….uh, somewhere out of the way.

But there may yet be one last chance for Baby to blossom. The Swayze returns, record in hand, and asks Miss Francis Houseman to “Have the Time of Her Life” while strutting her stuff in Mambo form. The audiences’ breath is held….the lift….will she be able to trust Johnny, trust herself, put aside all she knows while embracing the future in all its scariness, and take flight into Womanhood????

Ladies and Gentleman, Francis has left the building.

Under discussion:

The Big Easy  (1986)

Dressed to Kill  (1980)

Presumed Innocent  (1990)

The Films: Dressed to Kill, Presumed Innocent, The Big Easy

Viewing order importance: It matters not.

Dressed to Kill – Brian DePalma, imagined master of the dirty sex thriller, opens with a soft-core shower scene, with Angie Dickinson giving herself a good old-fashioned, lonely-wife, nipple rub down, complete with searching camera and mournful music. She stares at the object of her affection, a disinterested husband, who shaves in the mirror, as she peers through the water-speckled shower door, rubbing a sliver of soap over all her dirty parts. Vastly gratuitous, she focuses her scrubbing bubbles solely on nips and crotch, until interrupted by a man who grabs her from behind and struggles with her. Is it a dream? Is it a fantasy?

Ah, a fantasy, as a quick cut to missionary position under the cover humping reveals, starring Angie and hubbie. The guy is seriously all business - doesn't even look up at our Ange - and he at first appears to have done a stand-up job, but the Curator suspects a fake.

Upon completion of her dissatisfactory duty, the bored house wife staggers out into the world to gaze upon some art while making a grocery list. However she ends up picking up a random fellow art lover for some afternoon adultery instead, hooking him with a sly technique involving the old "irresistible, classic beige Isotoner glove incentive,” after an elaborate interior museum flirt and chase.

From there we proceed to Taxi ride where the stranger commences with the cunnilingi, complete with driver adjusting and peering in the rear view mirror. Watching the stranger’s hand with gold bracelet remove her underthings in quite a luxurious site.

Later, back at mystery man’s pad, and “after the lovin” an urban legend horror is realized when Ange finds a Lab Result confirming mystery man’s got the VD. Of all the lousy luck….Angie splits out of there but quick, only to get murdered in the elevator of man’s building. By a transvestite. Named Michael Caine. And all this happens in the first 30 minutes.

Catch your breath and move on to:

Presumed Innocent – On the surface, the sex in this 1990 thriller isn’t so creepy. It’s got Harrison Ford, pre-most-wrinkles-and-sags, and Greta Scacchi. She’s hot. Yes, Brian Dennehy is in there, but thankfully his sex is only referenced, not shown.

But there is something about the power-hump on the Greta’s desk after she and Harry win a Child Abuse Case together that is just kind of “yicky.” Maybe it’s the graphic intensity Harrison displays as he drops his drawers, sucks a nip and powers through that stack of legal “briefs.” Maybe it is just that there is something disconcerting about Harry’s naked thrusting hip.

The creepier portions include a constantly referenced rape or not-rape crime with various suspects “fingered,” and the sleezy autopsy doctor describing how “real nice” the rape was, before the angry perp smashes her on the head. The finger of blames finally rests on Harrison, and he now must go on trial for his lover’s murder. The ewww-y-est of all moments however is not a sex scene, but is Harrison’s wife’s description of pulling her husband’s spermicided ooze out of herself and implanting it in dead Greta with a syringe. Nothing says lovin’ like something in the oven.

Panting, panting, panting and:

The Big Easy –Unease best describes the unadulterated sleeziness that permeates with Zaidigo vapors off a bed befouled by Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin. It is presumed that, as an actor or actress, the shooting of a “romance” scene must be (at least) somewhat uncomfortable and (likely) excruciatingly embarrassing. With that in mind, Quaid and Barkin appear to be trying to make anyone who ever sees this film as uncomfortable as they once were. Payback’s a bitch.

The first 30 minutes or so are a kind of chemistry-lacking foreplay to what seems to be one of the most awkward sex encounters of all time. After a bit of hanky-panky and various clothings are removed, Ellen claims, mid-almost coitus, she is “not very good at this,” and “can’t do this" because "I am too nervous, I can’t relax.” Well hell darlin’ how do expect a man to respond to something like that? Denny tells her “Just relax, darlin'. This is the Big Easy. Folks have a certain way o' doin' things down here.” Ummm…yeah. She is then licked and fingered in that not so secret spot by Denny as he slinks all over the sheet, licking her thigh and grunting in his over-the-top, cajon-ified, ridiculous accent. When he kisses her he looks like he is eating her face, and she appears to be probing something out of his far back wisdom tooth with her tongue. The scene is finally interrupted by a murder, but not before Denny’s ass is revealed. Ellen tells us “I’ve never had much luck with sex” to which Denny informs her that “her luck is about to change.” As is our own, as is our own.

So. Looking to seduce that special someone with your knowledge of racy, semi-grody sex scenes? Want to indulge yourself in the films your parents watched but you never got to see cause they were “too grown-up?” Do yourself up right and dirty by laying your scummy little hands on these sexy flicks. You won’t be sorry you did…..for long.

Under discussion:

Waterworld  (1995)

The Matrix Reloaded  (2003)

Ever have one of those days? Wake up grumpy, the whole world seems against you, that time clock ticks slowly by, the world seeming bleaker with every second? Well take heart that your life ain’t so bad. The cliché holds that it could be worse. Why, take for example how shitty your life would be if the planet you lived on was completely covered with water, or if life was so bad on the surface of the planet you had to live underground, near the core of the earth? What if you had a tyrannical authority figure with delusions of grandeur to contend with, constantly talking about how great life will be, if ever on dry land, or actually on the earth's surface, or living in a world free from Saddam Hussein? One that constantly promises a better life, a happy future, only to have your hopes dashed with the grinding reality of day to day existence?

Next time you have one of those unexplainably shitty days, dust off the old VCR player and your box scratched VHS versions of Waterworld and The Matrix 2.

Viewing order importance: What do you care? Life sucks either way.

Waterworld

The harsh, harsh Waterworld of Kevin Costner consists of roughin' it on a boat in the middle of the never-ending ocean. He's wrinkled, sun burned and drinkin' his own pee. And also growing fruit with his own pee. And then some other dude steals his pee grown fruit.

Dry land is a myth, and dirt is worth more than gold. It's very dangerous to live in the Waterworld. People are constantly trying to kill each other for reasons unknown. There is also an unexplainable amount of fire on the Waterworld, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Wouldn't it seem the last thing you should have to worry about on the Waterworld is fire? Drowning, sharks, mold, incessantly pruned fingers, yes. Fire? Not so much. And they are all so flippin’ dirty. How can they be so dirty with so much water around? Yes, it's salt water, but one could still wash with it. And everyone has really dry, chapped lips and skanky hair.

Yes, life does indeed suck on the Waterworld. They scavenge trash and drift around on the water, dying of thirst, boredom and starvation, looking to trade their scavenged trash for other trash. Survival is all there really is to this life, but honestly what is the point? Granted, there are still a couple good looking broads here and there, Jeanne Tripplehorn for one, fair barmaid and schlepper of water.

Unfortunately for Kev, Jeanne comes saddled with a child, none other than Tina Majorino (Deb, Napoleon Dynamite). Young Deb apparently has a map to the mythical dry land tattooed on her back, so all sort of baddies are out to get her. Now Kev has to protect the kid as well as himself, if he wants to keep one of the only hot women on all the Waterworld.

And that's pretty much it. Life undoubtedly sucks on the Waterworld.

The Matrix Reloaded

A one word explanation of why life sucks: Zion. The people living outside of the Matrix seem to think that Zion is paradise, but they are obviously suffering from a highly delusional state, induced by extreme lack of anything to do, outside of talk about "how great" everything will be "someday" if the "chosen one" ever bothers to "show the *** up already and put an end to those goddamn machines."

A typical Zionist day:

6:30 am – Wake up stewing in own sweat, give thanks to Oracle for blessed day.

6:45 am – Get dressed in handmade, modern, stylish, white Zion fashions.

7:00 am - Eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

8:00 am - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for the very existence of Morpheous, without whom, all would be lost.

9:00 am – Arrive at Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 3 hours, hoping a ship or two requests access.

12:00 pm – Gather around the “Chosen One’s” place of residence with homemade baked goods. Wait for his arrival. No show.

1:00 pm – Return to Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 4 more hours, secretly wishing for Machine attack to alleviate boredom.

5:00 pm – T.O.I.F! Clock out. Catch word of yet another “awesome” cave party, with VIP guest speaker.

5:30 pm – Arrive home, eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

6:30 pm - Get dressed in cooler, dirty, earth-tone, torn clothes, presumably remade from centuries old other clothes, left-over from those who were there “from the beginning.”

6:45 pm – Carefully arrange dreadlocks

7:00 pm - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for sending the Chosen One, even though the little shit hasn’t really done anything “chosen” yet.

8:00 pm – Arrive at cave party, stewing in own sweat.

9:00 pm – Listen to uninspired speech from Morpheous. Wonder who’s buying this bullshit.

10:00 pm – Sweaty dance party commences, get felt up a lot.

11:00 pm – Offer good looking person of opposite sex your personal “access code” to your own private “mainframe.” Get turned down.

12:00 am – Curfew in Zion. Lucky ones return home for hot cave sex to pounding industrial house music mix. Unlucky ones praise Oracle for another day, and bitterly, restlessly, fall asleep, stewing in own sweat.

Repeat.

There you have it – 2 situations were your life could be much, much worse than it already is. The only thing certain on the Waterworld or in Zion is death. At least you’ve got taxes too. Don’t you feel better now?

Under discussion:

Aliens  (1986)

Resident Evil  (2002)

Aliens & Resident Evil

The Bitch Is Back - Aliens

In Aliens, Ripley is back from deep sleep in deep space, fresh memories of the Alien alive and well, and ready to battle with creature, marine and Paul Reiser alike, while savin’ babies from the clutches of evil Alien monsters.

Good thing Ripley, among all her other awesome skills has a Class 5 fork lifter operator license. Donning the “Power Loader,” and upping her bad-ass-ness to the nth degree, she is a match made in hell for the infamous bitch.

Go Ask Alice - Resident Evil

Alice is head of security for Umbrella Corporation, and evil enterprise manufacturing a terrible virus. She wakes up one morning with a bad memory hang over, and with only a fleeting sexy memory of the night before, promptly gets trained off to The Hive, a top secret underground research facility escorted by some kind of Special Task Force.

Fortunately she has time to put on her skimpy red nightie and black biker boots beforehand so she is appropriately dressed for the adventure and ensuing battle. Along the way we are introduced to a few special ops who are quickly disposed of, in gruesome manner, by the security system of The Hive, a sacrifice that must be made to hammer home the deadliness of this joint for the most inane of viewers. But said security system is soon after dismantled, unleashing the true horror – ZOMBIES!

Yes, every employee of The Hive has been killed and reanimated, becoming an army of the dead against Alice and the few other survivors. Alice obtains some weapons of serious weight and girth, and they are forced to crawl through tunnels and dank rooms, battling zombies all along the way. Eventually everyone succumbs into a state of zombie-dom, except of course our Alice. She eventually regains her memory, and even the realization that her pseudo-trophy husband released the virus isn’t enough to stop her. She is set to destroy the evil Umbrella Corp., and will do so even as a Zombie Girl, in a Zombie world.

Conclusion:

These ladies both live to fight another day. They may be broken and beaten down, but never fail to rise up in a dirtily-sexily way, protecting us all from evil companies, corporations, Aliens, Zombies, and corrupt power-hungry that love them. Sequels? Oh yes, but that too, is for another day.

Rated B for Baaaaad Aaassss

Under discussion:

The Firm  (1993)

Paycheck  (2003)

Well here are a couple of working-man heroes to break up your everyday boredom. In between poppin’ pills, pop these into the old VCR: The Firm, Paycheck

It's a Double White Collar Crime on the rocks with a smooth jazz chaser. Drink it down!

The Firm
The Curator has demonstrated in previous post that all of Tommy Cruise's projects contain the little-known "Stallion Clause." For those unfamiliar, "The Stallion Clause" is a footnote within any contract Cruise signs, that he is required to have at least one, but preferably more, scene in which he sprints, nostrils a-flarin', for the means of making an end that will be for the betterment of all in "the Film." Check it and see.

Based on the book that catapulted John Grisham’s 400 page door stoppers to the top of airport bookstore shelves everywhere, The Firm does not disappoint Cruise fans, whoever they may be, containing no less than three Stallions, one hot and heavy love scene and a couple of "goodie two shoes" lovey moments with the otherwise not so wholesome Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Everyman Mitch McDeere appears to have it made when he gets the job of his dreams, at last able to ditch his trailer park past, provide his “lovely” wife Abby with all she desires, and cementing his future in the upper echelons of the solidly reputable Memphis high society. Unfortunately the “Firm” has another role in mind for Mitch, that of “Mob Stooge.” Yes, for unexplainable reasons, the Chicago mob retains a small law firm in Memphis. And apparently the partners traverse the world in search of an army of replacements to ensure the cycle is perpetuated.

Well, Tom is not about to have any of that noise. Bucking the bosses, Tommy will race his way to freedom, through Memphis streets with briefcase in hand, finally putting Wilford Brimley out of our misery, getting all these White Collar Mo-Fos behind bars without ever compromising his professional integrity, and all the while helping to create the world’s most perfectly matched hick-i-fied couple, Holly Hunter and David Strathairn. Sigh.

Paycheck
Ben Affleck gets his jog on proper here, pitted against the outstanding Aaron Eckhart and joined by ever-mild Uma Thurman.

Though your disbelief is initially stretched to the point of serious snap by first having to accept Ben Affleck as some kind of computer programming genius, comfort level is restored once realization sets in that you will not be required to watch him suffer and sweat through too many electronic related explanations.

Michael Jennings is a computer hacker extraordinaire, highly in demand to rip off patented computer technology because of his willingness to have any memory of his work therein erased. (Insert “Ben Affleck” and “Dumber than a Bag of Hammers” joke here) But he really gets screwed when he takes a job with Aaron Eckhart, his supposed friend, who uses him to build an Uber-Magic 8 Ball future time viewing machine of sorts, and then tries to “erase him” along with his memory of the project.

Ben wakes up from his erased past and finds he has traded in his 90 million dollar paycheck for an envelope full of mysterious and crappy items. Why ever would he DO such a think you ask? Well, because there’s a mystery to solve for one! And said crappy items provide a treasure map of sorts with which Ben may play, while racing on foot, motorcycle, bus and train, through the streets of Seattle in hot pursuit of the past/future/present. Will he stop the baddies? Get the girl? Ever reclaim his lost paycheck? All signs point to “Formulaic Hollywood Ending.”

Conclusion:

Take heart that your boss isn’t trying to kill you. At least, as far as you know.

Under discussion:

Barry Lyndon  (1975)

Dangerous Liaisons  (1988)

The Age of Innocence  (1993)

Watch The Lifestyles of the Rich and Opulent implode for your entertainment in:
The Age of Innocence, Barry Lyndon, Dangerous Liaisons

The Age of Innocence

Our hero Newland Archer is fucked from the second he lays eyes on the Countess Olenska, his betrothed’s slutty older cousin, who is world-weary and lookin’ for some action. The two become close when Newland advises her on her bad marriage, encouraging her to not get divorced, because all she would gain is “her freedom.” Meanwhile, Newland’s marriage to sweet little cousin May, all sugar and propriety on the outside and absolute demon on the inside, is imminent, and the next thing you know, the pair is off touring Europe on honeymoon while Newland’s bitter realization sets in.

Upon their return, and unable to take the longing anymore, the Countess announces her decision to quit New York for Europe. May weaves a tangled and sticky web of societal propriety indeed, hosting the ultimate “***-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Life” going away party, intended to keep Newland and the Countess apart forever.

In this world of fine manners, a handshake might as well be a hand job, and a shared glance? Well, that is akin to a knock-down, dirty, screw in an alley behind a dumpster. Newland and the Countess are kept apart, unable to relay their undying love, and the Countess is shipped off the next day. But by the end of the party, Newland has decided to leave May and follow the Countess to Europe, but May has one final card to play, the classic, “Whoops, I’m pregnant!” Duty, honor, society and resolve to live a love-less life of boredom win out, and Newland, proper fucked indeed, accepts his fate.

Barry Lyndon

Redmond Barry (Lyndon) is an ambitious son-of-a-bitch. Born a poor Irish lad, he is determined to become a British Noble. How to do that you ask? Barry properly fucks over everyone who comes across his life from the very beginning, starting with his cousin, whose marriage he attempts to destroy out of jealousy. He then changes allegiance during the 7 year war, joins up with androgynous weirdo Chevalier de Balibari to royally screw royalty out of money at cheated card games, later continuing on to screw over his new wife the Countess Lyndon and her son by driving them into poverty and misery whilst screwing his way through a jungle of ladies-of-the-night, and culminating in the killing his own kid when a horse he bought him bucks him off.

Along the way, Barry ruins the lives of many others that cross his path; the gay army general that he outs, the Prussians who employ him as a spy, anyone who doesn’t pay up their gambling debt, and his wife’s long-time religious confidant who he allows his mother to fire after some 20-odd years. Not to mention that he, awesomely, is not too proud to engage in an all-out, roll around on the ground in front of the company fist-fight with his stepson. Hey, whatever means satisfy the ends.

But it is Lyndon who is properly fucked in the end. When he duels with Lord Burlingdon, his stepson who is now all grown up and has a serious bone to pick with dear ol’ stepdad, he gets shot in the leg. The life of Barry Lyndon ends with his leg’s amputation, and his expulsion from his wife’s home, broke and broken. He is sent home to live with mommy. Ouch.

Dangerous Liaisons

The reserved hush-toned society of 18^th Century French Nobility is a world of parlors, teas, polite conversations and gentlemanly hand kisses. Or so you would expect, but up the curving, ornate staircase and behind those opulent, mirrored doorways, lay a world of some serious proper fucking, in the most literal sense of the word. The cruelty of the rich and bored is a force to be reckoned with in any era, but Glenn Close and John Malkovich put our own Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and K-Fed to shame.

The name of the game is who fucked who, how, when, where, and how often. Our Malko is the toy of Glenn Close, a lady of some serious non-scruples, who sends him off to corrupt the girl promised to a former lover. Malko has no problems with this at all, instructing her in the ways of the love game, eventually knocking her up, and turning her into a whore of most glorious proportions. Meanwhile, Glenny is out seducing a fine young lad, and Malko turns his eyes to the ever hard-to-get Michelle Pfeiffer. Upon ruination of all parties, and when Malko gets mad a Glenny for not given up the golden ‘poon, the two next set out to destroy each other. A duel, a stab, a confession and a few revealing letters later, Malko is dead and Glenny shunned by society. Props to the properly fucked, all around.

Conclusion:

You are your own worst enemy.

Under discussion:

The Ice Storm  (1997)

10 Things I Hate About You  (1999)

American Beauty  (1999)

We will look at: 10 Things I Hate About You, The Ice Storm, American Beauty

10 Things I Hate About You

Our Ms. Janney clocks a total of 4 minutes in this teeny-flick as guidance councilor “Ms. Perky,” but manages to do more in those couple minutes than the rest of the cast does in 97. Combined. Her accomplishments include writing a romance novel on the company dime whilst brushing the kiddies and their nonsense problems aside, and putting dopey little shits Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger in their places faster than you can say “I hope I get to play a gay cowboy someday to add some weight to my miserably fluffy resume.” Go Allison, Go!

The Ice Storm

Allison co-stars awesomely as Dot Halford, otherwise known as “the lady who has the key party.” Her part may be small, but she plays an ever important role: that of the woman who has the party. The party that forces everyone to confront their morality, sexuality, comfort zones, the ever valuable tool of peer pressure, and the limitations of screwing in an early-70’s model family sedan.

American Beauty

Here Janney darkens up the screen as Barbara Fitts, mother to our diamond-in-the-rough, filmmaker-in-training, non-traditional beauty loving Ricky Fitts, and wife to “shocking” homophobe/homosexual Col. Frank Fitts. She starkly sits in a room devoid of dust and soul, as if pushed to the corner of casting room of life, always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Summary:

Short concise post, short concise woman. You are never invisible in our eye. Rock on Ms. Janney.

Under discussion:

Barry Lyndon  (1975)

Dangerous Liaisons  (1988)

The Age of Innocence  (1993)

Watch The Lifestyles of the Rich and Opulent implode for your entertainment in:
The Age of Innocence, Barry Lyndon, Dangerous Liaisons

The Age of Innocence

Our hero Newland Archer is fucked from the second he lays eyes on the Countess Olenska, his betrothed’s slutty older cousin, who is world-weary and lookin’ for some action. The two become close when Newland advises her on her bad marriage, encouraging her to not get divorced, because all she would gain is “her freedom.” Meanwhile, Newland’s marriage to sweet little cousin May, all sugar and propriety on the outside and absolute demon on the inside, is imminent, and the next thing you know, the pair is off touring Europe on honeymoon while Newland’s bitter realization sets in.

Upon their return, and unable to take the longing anymore, the Countess announces her decision to quit New York for Europe. May weaves a tangled and sticky web of societal propriety indeed, hosting the ultimate “***-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Life” going away party, intended to keep Newland and the Countess apart forever.

In this world of fine manners, a handshake might as well be a hand job, and a shared glance? Well, that is akin to a knock-down, dirty, screw in an alley behind a dumpster. Newland and the Countess are kept apart, unable to relay their undying love, and the Countess is shipped off the next day. But by the end of the party, Newland has decided to leave May and follow the Countess to Europe, but May has one final card to play, the classic, “Whoops, I’m pregnant!” Duty, honor, society and resolve to live a love-less life of boredom win out, and Newland, proper fucked indeed, accepts his fate.

Barry Lyndon

Redmond Barry (Lyndon) is an ambitious son-of-a-bitch. Born a poor Irish lad, he is determined to become a British Noble. How to do that you ask? Barry properly fucks over everyone who comes across his life from the very beginning, starting with his cousin, whose marriage he attempts to destroy out of jealousy. He then changes allegiance during the 7 year war, joins up with androgynous weirdo Chevalier de Balibari to royally screw royalty out of money at cheated card games, later continuing on to screw over his new wife the Countess Lyndon and her son by driving them into poverty and misery whilst screwing his way through a jungle of ladies-of-the-night, and culminating in the killing his own kid when a horse he bought him bucks him off.

Along the way, Barry ruins the lives of many others that cross his path; the gay army general that he outs, the Prussians who employ him as a spy, anyone who doesn’t pay up their gambling debt, and his wife’s long-time religious confidant who he allows his mother to fire after some 20-odd years. Not to mention that he, awesomely, is not too proud to engage in an all-out, roll around on the ground in front of the company fist-fight with his stepson. Hey, whatever means satisfy the ends.

But it is Lyndon who is properly fucked in the end. When he duels with Lord Burlingdon, his stepson who is now all grown up and has a serious bone to pick with dear ol’ stepdad, he gets shot in the leg. The life of Barry Lyndon ends with his leg’s amputation, and his expulsion from his wife’s home, broke and broken. He is sent home to live with mommy. Ouch.

Dangerous Liaisons

The reserved hush-toned society of 18^th Century French Nobility is a world of parlors, teas, polite conversations and gentlemanly hand kisses. Or so you would expect, but up the curving, ornate staircase and behind those opulent, mirrored doorways, lay a world of some serious proper fucking, in the most literal sense of the word. The cruelty of the rich and bored is a force to be reckoned with in any era, but Glenn Close and John Malkovich put our own Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and K-Fed to shame.

The name of the game is who fucked who, how, when, where, and how often. Our Malko is the toy of Glenn Close, a lady of some serious non-scruples, who sends him off to corrupt the girl promised to a former lover. Malko has no problems with this at all, instructing her in the ways of the love game, eventually knocking her up, and turning her into a whore of most glorious proportions. Meanwhile, Glenny is out seducing a fine young lad, and Malko turns his eyes to the ever hard-to-get Michelle Pfeiffer. Upon ruination of all parties, and when Malko gets mad a Glenny for not given up the golden ‘poon, the two next set out to destroy each other. A duel, a stab, a confession and a few revealing letters later, Malko is dead and Glenny shunned by society. Props to the properly fucked, all around.

Conclusion:

You are your own worst enemy.

Under discussion:

Terminator 2: Judgment Day  (1991)

The Matrix  (1999)

At their roots, T2 and The Matrix are essentially the same movie. The future is grim, machines have taken over, and a small band of rebel humans are attempting to take the world back, by force. With such similarities, a comparison is thus solicited: in a face off, would the Terminators beat the Machines of the Matrix? What if the good and bad guys in each film were switched? Could the Terminators beat Neo and Co.? How would John Conners and Mom fare against the Agents? What about John Conners versus Neo? Who is the more hearty insurgent? And what effect does the wearing of sunglasses have on one’s level of badassness? Let's compare, shall we?

The Machines of Terminator 2 – T2 is by far the superior of the 3 Terminator films, but also an appropriate flick to use for the purpose of comparing actual machinery. There are two options here, the old stand by and the new and improved version. How do they rate? Arnold is pretty sturdy, sort of the "old reliable" of the Terminator machines. He can take a licking, but he also has some pretty serious defects. His head, simply put, is squashable. His CPU is apparently located there, and with enough force, one can easily take him out. Yes, he may have a back-up power source, but any foe worth fighting would research these weaknesses and be ready to exploit them. The new improved Melty-Metal Terminator however, played by the ultra cool Robert Patrick, is a far more worthy adversary. His head can be squashed and reformed, no problemo. Melty-Metal Robert's only weakness seems to be a well placed foundry, which in time, the Curator is sure, he will be able to avoid in most chase scenarios.
Sunglasses all around, check.

The Machines of The Matrix - Here we essentially have a couple different types of machines; the buggish, worker machines, and the human-looking agents. For the purposes of this comparison, we will focus on solely on the human-type machines. These dudes are pretty bad ass, much like Metal Robert above. They can move way faster than humans, recover easily from injury and are basically all knowing. They designed the Matrix, and thus know its various ins and outs. How can they be beat then? Mind over matter, boys. Mind over matter. As Morpheus states, the machines are a part of the Matrix, and are thus grounded by its rules. Anyone with a bit of mind control should be able to waste these fools.
Sunglasses, check.

The Humans of Terminator 2 - The humans here are at a pretty solid disadvantage compared to the humans of the Matrix. They have no super powers, few geeky computer skills and are mostly muscle rather than brain. Sure, they have access to a lot of weaponry, some solid black market buying power, the will to be trained in a military type atmosphere, and the desire to save humanity from all out destruction, but really, they come up a bit short. All they really have working in their favor is a constant supply of speedy vehicles and a bit of luck.
Sunglasses? Nope.

The Humans of The Matrix – The few that are not sucked into the dream-world matrix are pretty solid. One or two defectors aside, as long as they can wrap their intellect around metaphors such as "the body cannot live without the mind" and "the mind makes it real," they are mostly indestructible. Enter Neo. He tops them all by learning to destroy agents by "absorption,” while his mind is completely free of all normal human restraints. First he disarms his enemy with his blank, dull-eyed stare, therefore confounding his foe into believing he is as stupid as he looks. Then he kicks a lot. Draw backs: when not plugged in, he is just a big fucking geek who knows too much about computers.
Sunglasses, check.

The Verdicts:

On the Machines: Metal Robert of T2 has the clear advantage over Arnold, as well as The Matrix agents. How so? Physically, the only way to destroy him is by melting him at extreme temperatures. He can not be absorbed, tricked, plugged into or even frozen.

On the Humans:
The Humans in T2 are lame. There is no comparison between them and Neo, even if Neo is only kicking virtual ass. All John and family have at their disposal is a huge arsenal and some stolen cars. Neo can stop bullets and fly. Case closed.

Conclusions:

1. Sunglasses directly contribute to one’s level of hardcoreness and fighting ability.

2. Melty-Metal Robert must meet Neo in a Face 2 Face grudge match. Winner takes all. The fate of the free world lay in the balance. Unfortunately for us humans, the Curator's money is on Melty-Metal Robert.

Under discussion:

Dirty Dancing  (1987)

Dirty Dancing - that quintessentially classic film and required viewing for all pre-teen girls. The film that spawned an unfortunate resurgence of interest in early 60's pop music, and a breadth of bad fashion throw-backs. A coming-of-age film, a thinly veiled sex-instructional. A film about rebellion, and innocence lost...the Curator is drooling.

On the eve of its 20th anniversary, a rare, private screening has been arranged. So get your Keds on, roll up those cut-offs, and get ready to vastly change over the course of a three week summer vacation. Here comes everything you you’ve ever wanted to know about Dirty Dancing….a 3-Part analysis on the life and growth of Baby.

Part 1 - Nobody Puts Baby in the Catskills

We open on a happy scene, a family driving off to a long overdue summer vacation in the Catskills. Innocence is established with cutesy teen “Baby,” hugging dad on the neck from the back seat while “Big Girls Don’t Cry” plays softly in the background. It is apparent our Baby is growing up. She may be still naïve, but she is ripe for discovery.

The happy family arrives at happy vacation spot, and it turns out dear old dad is best pals with resort owner. The fam’ will be receiving extra special treatment. Oh yeah they will, in BOY form. First thing Baby does is snoop around and eavesdrop. She overhears old man Kellerman encouraging the waiters to show the daughters a good time, “even the dogs.”

But then….enter Johnny Castle, who tells Robbie the waiter to, “Just put your pickle on everybody's plate college boy and leave the hard stuff to me.” Oh my. Now the Curator can only imagine what he means by this phrase. Perhaps a bit of constructive criticism on his waitering technique? Whatever the case, when Baby sees Johnny and Penny dance the Mambo together later that night, she gets a bit of a funny feeling inside.

Part 2 - Baby Crawls out of the Playpen

Kellerman’s is BORING! What’s a girl to do while the folks Foxtrot? I guess I’ll go on a walk…..Huh, Staff Quarters, No Guests….Wonder what could be going on up there….Wowza! What are these kids doing? Sheesh, they’re almost screwing on the floor! Dirty dancing has arrived!

“Wanna try it?” asks friendly boy-type Billy who also just so happens to be Johnny Castle’s cousin. “Uh-uh,” Baby shakes her head, looking down at the floor. Boys have cooties!

But Baby soon proves unable to resist that beckoning finger call from Mr. Castle, she is drawn to the dance floor, thus receiving her first instructional from Johnny, a bit of masturbation if you will. Roll this way, Baby, thrust that way, Baby. It all happened so fast, and just when she is beginning to “get it,” it’s over. But there’s no turning back for Baby after that taste.

Fortunately, Ex-Rockette/Dance Instructor Penny gets herself “into trouble.” Then, Baby learns a cruel lesson, not all boys are honorable! You mean that she’s preggers and the boy KNOWS and won’t HELP! Unheard of! But seeing how this is her chance to Mambo her way into the hot man’s arms, Baby gets Penny some money to “take care of it,” and some free dance lessons. Now she must learn the very dance she saw only days before, courtesy of Johnny “All the Right Moves” Castle.

While learning all the steps and twirls, Baby is exposed to some light, friendly lesbian play and a quickie threesome, but the true lesson comes only with the lifts. The Lifts!!

She must run and leap through the air graceful as can be, a soaring eagle, a sexually liberated woman. And it’s all about trust. Johnny tells her, “Now, you'll hurt me if you don't trust me, all right?” Awe, a metaphor for a real, live relationship. Our Baby is growing up. Sniff. But, she fucks up it during the big show. Ooops. Guess Baby still has a few things to learn.

Part 3 – Baby Learns to Fly

After the big show Baby gets another harsh lesson from dear old Dad. Turns out she lied to him about what the money she gave Penny was for and now he doesn’t trust her anymore. So she runs to The Swayze for a bit of comfort, and a good old fashioned, wholesome, free-range sausage party. “Do you love me now that I can dance?” Indeed. Post-doin’ it, Johnny suddenly realized he is not on a first name basis with the girl he just boned, and has the class to ask her about it. To which he replies, “Frances. That's a real grown up name.” Good come back, Johnny! But, he is correct. Baby has simultaneously shed her virginity and her ridiculous childhood in one fell stroke, arriving with a short, heel-burning skid into womanhood. Now if only there was a chance to somehow have another dance scene so she could perfect that darn lift….

But meanwhile, sex can’t solve all her problems. Baby is discovering that the world is not the place she thought it was, that somehow her sheltered existence bedecked in rose-colored glasses didn’t prepare her for the harsh realities of the real world. Huh. When Johnny is accused of stealing wallets, Baby has to own up as his alibi. Strong girl that she is, she announces to the entire resort, “Johnny couldn’t have taken the wallet. I know it. I just know it. Because he was in his room all night. And the reason I know he was in his room all night is that because he was fucking the shit of me.” For some reason Dad reacts badly to this, as does resort owner, and Johnny gets fired.

Baby/Francis is a broken girl/woman. The world has crumbled around her. Cruel World! The Swayze has driven off into the…driving rain, alone with his thoughts that take on a poignant, musical form(a song deserving of permanent adhesion in the Movie Music Hall of Fame), and Dad is so angry he infamously puts Baby….uh, somewhere out of the way.

But there may yet be one last chance for Baby to blossom. The Swayze returns, record in hand, and asks Miss Francis Houseman to “Have the Time of Her Life” while strutting her stuff in Mambo form. The audiences’ breath is held….the lift….will she be able to trust Johnny, trust herself, put aside all she knows while embracing the future in all its scariness, and take flight into Womanhood????

Ladies and Gentleman, Francis has left the building.

Under discussion:

Jurassic Park  (1993)

Raiders of the Lost Ark  (1981)

Star Wars  (1977)

Speed  (1994)

The Usual Suspects  (1995)

Fargo  (1996)

The Rock  (1996)

Armageddon  (1998)

The Matrix  (1999)

Eh.

What of the overlooked? The filler parts of the film, meant to amuse, move the story’s plot or suspense along, or to act as comic relief? For every poignant film death forever memorialized on the big screen, an extra, a bad guy or some other lesser character has to take one for the team. The yang to the hero’s yin. The black to the white of your starlet’s blank, emotionless eye. Let us look at some of the unfortunate sacrifices that have been made for the good of the plot, and share a moment of silence for these unfortunates.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - The Egyptian guy with the sword.

He comes out swinging with the biggest, shiniest, sharpest sword any of you fools have ever seen. Poor guy. For all his bravado and talent all he gets is shot in the gut by an indifferent Indy, and hoards of third world idiots swarm and cheer. While we laugh.

Jurassic Park - The “professional” hunter Robert Muldoon

This guy spent the entire film talking about what great hunters the Velociraptors are, and how deadly they are, and how they should never be underestimated, and how they always hunt in packs, and he still gets cocky and eaten. Real “clever” dumb ass.

Armageddon - The pilots of the “back-up” space shuttle

These two should have known they were doomed from the second they were cast as the pilots of the back-up space shuttle "Independence." They fly all the way to the deadliest of all meteors on a mission to save the entire world from destruction only to get creamed by some flying debris right as they arrive. Morons.

The Matrix - The cops in the government building

Granted, these guys probably didn’t have any idea what was coming, but they just get slaughtered. They figured their metal detector would be enough to protect the building from any extremist wackos, and boy did they get schooled. Nothing sadder than a faceless, surprised extra in a police uniform, fumbling for his weapon, only to get smoked.

Speed – Hysterical Helen

This shrieking mess of a woman tearfully tries to escape the ill-fated bus after she was warned not to, tempting Dennis Hopper to show the true meaning of his uncompromising nature, by blowing her up. Everyone else survived the bus, Helen. This was your own fault.

The Usual Suspects – Fenster

Benicio del Toro seemingly has received equal billing here, supposedly as important as the four other “suspects,” but when push comes to shove, he’s the first to go. And he doesn’t even merit a death with screen time. Instead, he is conveniently swept under the “Oh that guy? He tried to skip out and was killed” rug.

The Rock – Rouge Marine trying to steal the deadly nerve gas

This guy bites it in the first 5 minutes of the film. He’s got to go, and only to show us, the naïve viewer, what happens to someone when this gas is released. He gets locked in a room with no escape and only one window, to be stared at by David Morse as he dies slowly, painfully, and sizzlingly. Sorry dude. Those are the breaks.

Fargo – The parking lot attendant

This guy exists solely to get shot by Steve Buscemi leaving the Dayton Hudson parking lot after he was shot in the face. Ouch.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope - Every single person on the Death Star

Absolutely classic. The bigger and stronger you get, the more egomaniacal you become. That it would not EVER cross your mind that you are not too powerful to be taken down by a lone rebel is the very height of movie stupidity. A failure of leadership at the highest levels. We’re looking at you, Tarkin. Way to sign the death warrants of all your employees. Wonder how much insurance the Galactic Empire had to pay out on that one.

For all the sacrificed: a moment of silence. May future non-essential characters, actors and extras learn from their important lessons.

Under discussion:

The Big Easy  (1986)

Dressed to Kill  (1980)

Presumed Innocent  (1990)

The Films: Dressed to Kill, Presumed Innocent, The Big Easy

Viewing order importance: It matters not.

Dressed to Kill – Brian DePalma, imagined master of the dirty sex thriller, opens with a soft-core shower scene, with Angie Dickinson giving herself a good old-fashioned, lonely-wife, nipple rub down, complete with searching camera and mournful music. She stares at the object of her affection, a disinterested husband, who shaves in the mirror, as she peers through the water-speckled shower door, rubbing a sliver of soap over all her dirty parts. Vastly gratuitous, she focuses her scrubbing bubbles solely on nips and crotch, until interrupted by a man who grabs her from behind and struggles with her. Is it a dream? Is it a fantasy?

Ah, a fantasy, as a quick cut to missionary position under the cover humping reveals, starring Angie and hubbie. The guy is seriously all business - doesn't even look up at our Ange - and he at first appears to have done a stand-up job, but the Curator suspects a fake.

Upon completion of her dissatisfactory duty, the bored house wife staggers out into the world to gaze upon some art while making a grocery list. However she ends up picking up a random fellow art lover for some afternoon adultery instead, hooking him with a sly technique involving the old "irresistible, classic beige Isotoner glove incentive,” after an elaborate interior museum flirt and chase.

From there we proceed to Taxi ride where the stranger commences with the cunnilingi, complete with driver adjusting and peering in the rear view mirror. Watching the stranger’s hand with gold bracelet remove her underthings in quite a luxurious site.

Later, back at mystery man’s pad, and “after the lovin” an urban legend horror is realized when Ange finds a Lab Result confirming mystery man’s got the VD. Of all the lousy luck….Angie splits out of there but quick, only to get murdered in the elevator of man’s building. By a transvestite. Named Michael Caine. And all this happens in the first 30 minutes.

Catch your breath and move on to:

Presumed Innocent – On the surface, the sex in this 1990 thriller isn’t so creepy. It’s got Harrison Ford, pre-most-wrinkles-and-sags, and Greta Scacchi. She’s hot. Yes, Brian Dennehy is in there, but thankfully his sex is only referenced, not shown.

But there is something about the power-hump on the Greta’s desk after she and Harry win a Child Abuse Case together that is just kind of “yicky.” Maybe it’s the graphic intensity Harrison displays as he drops his drawers, sucks a nip and powers through that stack of legal “briefs.” Maybe it is just that there is something disconcerting about Harry’s naked thrusting hip.

The creepier portions include a constantly referenced rape or not-rape crime with various suspects “fingered,” and the sleezy autopsy doctor describing how “real nice” the rape was, before the angry perp smashes her on the head. The finger of blames finally rests on Harrison, and he now must go on trial for his lover’s murder. The ewww-y-est of all moments however is not a sex scene, but is Harrison’s wife’s description of pulling her husband’s spermicided ooze out of herself and implanting it in dead Greta with a syringe. Nothing says lovin’ like something in the oven.

Panting, panting, panting and:

The Big Easy –Unease best describes the unadulterated sleeziness that permeates with Zaidigo vapors off a bed befouled by Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin. It is presumed that, as an actor or actress, the shooting of a “romance” scene must be (at least) somewhat uncomfortable and (likely) excruciatingly embarrassing. With that in mind, Quaid and Barkin appear to be trying to make anyone who ever sees this film as uncomfortable as they once were. Payback’s a bitch.

The first 30 minutes or so are a kind of chemistry-lacking foreplay to what seems to be one of the most awkward sex encounters of all time. After a bit of hanky-panky and various clothings are removed, Ellen claims, mid-almost coitus, she is “not very good at this,” and “can’t do this" because "I am too nervous, I can’t relax.” Well hell darlin’ how do expect a man to respond to something like that? Denny tells her “Just relax, darlin'. This is the Big Easy. Folks have a certain way o' doin' things down here.” Ummm…yeah. She is then licked and fingered in that not so secret spot by Denny as he slinks all over the sheet, licking her thigh and grunting in his over-the-top, cajon-ified, ridiculous accent. When he kisses her he looks like he is eating her face, and she appears to be probing something out of his far back wisdom tooth with her tongue. The scene is finally interrupted by a murder, but not before Denny’s ass is revealed. Ellen tells us “I’ve never had much luck with sex” to which Denny informs her that “her luck is about to change.” As is our own, as is our own.

So. Looking to seduce that special someone with your knowledge of racy, semi-grody sex scenes? Want to indulge yourself in the films your parents watched but you never got to see cause they were “too grown-up?” Do yourself up right and dirty by laying your scummy little hands on these sexy flicks. You won’t be sorry you did…..for long.

Under discussion:

Independence Day  (1996)

The Game  (1997)

The Talented Mr. Ripley  (1999)

The Curator has so many movies with this guy in it, it’s rather ridiculous. Let's put it this way: what HASN'T he done, who HASN'T he co-starred opposite? 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon our ass.

Most importantly, we have yet to actually see him in a starring role, and he therefore qualifies to appear in the Curator’s Co-star Hall of Fame. And what a Hall-of-Famer he is! Tall and gangly, with a sparkly tinge of mean in the eye, James shines most strong at playing domineering fathers, clever villains, stuffy lawyers and sneaky politicians with an agenda of their own. His receding hair line and hook nose make him the perfect receptacle to dump all your dislike into, thus saving your good graces for the starring celebs. Once again, a taken-for-granted talent bubbles to the top of the Curator’s melting-pot shelves of video. Let us discuss the many roles of The Talented Mr. Rebhorn.

Check him out: The Game, The Talented Mr. Ripley, & Independence Day

Viewing Order Importance: “W”

The Game

“Admit to yourself it sounds intriguing.”

James cuts a fabulously tricky figure in The Game, starring as a company rep for Consumer Recreation Services. Here James has the important role of explaining to the most moronic of viewer the very plot of the movie, with a smile, wink and nudge. When Michael Douglas repeats back the question, “I feel guilty when I masturbate,” our James replies, “Hey I don’t write the questions. I just analyze the answers,” so nonchalantly you wouldn’t even mind him analyzing your own masturbations. When the tables are turned, his true character is revealed, the simpering “it’s not my fault” guy, who leads Michael back to the scene of the crime, as it were. He is enjoyable to the very end, with his finale being the embodiment of “that wacky party guy,” hamming it up and dancing the night away at the wrap party, pointy hat and all.

The Talented Mr. Ripley

“There’s female intuition, and then there’s fact.”

Our James here is a rich, self important man who abhors his son Jude Law’s lifestyle. Where son likes Italy, jazz, boating and a life of sexual promiscuity ease, dad feels that may be somewhat irresponsible. Hence, he enlists the help of Matt Damon, a young man who is everything his own son ain’t. Dad has no problem funding THIS kid’s lifestyle however, providing him the means to track down and live it up with son, till things go bad with son anyway. The not nearly as talented Matt pulls the wool over practically everybody’s eyes, less the lovely Gwennth Paltrow. Our James though, ever the man’s man, puts Gwenny and her “intuition” in their place, lets Matt off the hook, and neatly wraps up his role by continuing to fund the partying lifestyle of Mr. Ripley.

Independence Day

“That’s not exactly true.”

In the film titled after the most sacred day of the American year, Rebhorn plays the Secretary of Defense opposite Bill Pullman as President. The Curator doesn’t know how the rest of you feel about Bill Pullman as Prez btw, but we venture to say Pullman is about as presidential as Dennis Kucinich. However, we digress.

The aliens are set to completely destroy all earthlings here, unless humans can somehow band together for one big hurrah. Rebhorn plays Albert Nimziki, a former CIA officer and the current Secretary of Defense. James really takes it for the team here, having been cast as the least like-able character outside of the aliens, including Randy Quaid, the drunk, redneck, dumb-ass crop duster. But that’s what our James is for, really. His suggestions are not taken to heart, he is fired near the end of the movie, and concludes his screen time by saying “I’m not Jewish.” Too which he is responded with, “Nobody’s perfect.”

Love him or leave him, but respect the Rebhorn, he’s pretty dang good at it what he does.

Rated: Double R for Rebhorn Rulez!