Under discussion:

Doomed  Production Year

DOOMED

2006 – NR – 76 Min.

D: Michael Su

S: Sarah Diaz – Drew Russell – Steve Cryen – Michael Kehoe

Maverick Entertainment DVD

Fullscreen / 5.1 Surround

Extras: Trailers

Ten people serving long sentences for myriad crimes are dropped on the Isola De Romero *cough* and divided into teams of two. These teams are instructed to try to make it to the other side of the island where millions of dollars and a complete pardon await them. Freedom, riches, everything they could want, with one catch… The island is overrun with the living dead. All this will be filmed and broadcast on the popular TV show Survival Island 2020. There’ll be alliances, betrayals, and many other staples of successful reality television. The kicker is that nobody has survived so far and the show is still looking for its first heroic victors. Will this episode finally find a winner? Will you even care? This feisty independent borrows from places too numerous to list here and attempts to come up with something a little different. They definitely achieved that, just not to any degree of satisfaction. Although a warning about graphic violence and gore is slapped on the case, you won’t find any in the movie. This is much more action than horror, that itself is not the problem. No depth, no staying power, no viewer involvement, these are the problems. The action choreography is well done and at 76 minutes the pace is brisk. Some clever touches are present, such as explaining the cameras at the outset, but none of it’s enough to keep interest piqued. These are all hardened criminals, mass-murderers in some cases. Who really cares if they end up as zombie-poop anyway? Sounds like they deserve it! So that’s Doomed. A valiant effort; it tries hard but is unable to achieve better than ‘average at best’. Worth a rent.

Under discussion:

The Day Time Ended  (1980)

THE DAY TIME ENDED

1979/80 – R (Re-rating) – 80 Min.

D: John ‘Bud’ Cardos

S: Jim Davis – Christopher Mitchum – Dorothy Malone – Marcy Lafferty – Natasha Ryan – Scott Kolden

Full Moon Entertainment DVD / Cult Video Collection

Fullscreen / Stereo 2.0

Extras: Trailers

A family moves into a solar powered desert home wishing to leave the problems of the city behind and start a new life. Unsuspecting protagonists encounter strange things nearly upon arrival; glowing lights, pyramids that make animals disappear and reappear, and antagonistic laser-armed probes are early obstacles. Extraterrestrial occurrences gain momentum as the night wears on. Everybody tries to stay safe inside while spaceships and monsters run rampant outside. Eventually, a swirling vortex begins to move them through time. Abstract plot seems an afterthought; special effects (courtesy of talents such as Jim Danforth, Dave Allen, Lyle Conway, and others) are definitely the focus. The acting is fine, especially the little girl (Ryan), but some character reactions (or utter lack thereof) are bewildering. When it’s all over nothing much has been explained or resolved to any degree of satisfaction. The 80 minutes go by quickly; it’s all very entertaining in a quirky and strictly nonsensical way. Viewer reaction tends to play out as follows… If you enjoyed it years ago you’ll probably still enjoy it. If you didn’t care for it then, it’s a safe bet you won’t feel any different revisiting it now. Unfamiliar viewers who are fond of Laserblast, Starship Invasions, and later Charles Band (the producer) efforts can feel safer in approaching The Day Time Ended than most. A touch of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, a hint of Lost in Space, and a couple of large stop motion creatures kicking the living crap out of each other in the front yard… your move. Notes: The newly applied R rating is perplexing (a theme with The Day Time Ended) since nothing has changed. With the exception of some profanity and a few suspenseful scenes this is relatively safe family fare. Lastly, the DVD reviewed is disappointing at best, unstable image, cropped from 2.35, and sound problems besides. It deserved better.

Under discussion:

Satanik  (1969)

Satanik

1968 – NR – 84 Min.

D: Piero Vivarelli

S: Magda Konopka

Retromedia DVD – Now part of the Euro Fiends From Beyond The Grave collection. Version reviewed was original single release as pictured.

Fullscreen / Dolby Digital Mono

Extras: Photo Gallery

While looking over the text written on the back of the DVD case for this title, you notice some strange things. You see the same sentence repeated only a couple of lines later. You may even be drawn in by esoteric messages such as "Max needs." But, if those displays of professionalism don’t already have you digging into your pockets with gleeful enthusiasm, then lines like "Sleazy Chills… Italian Style!” are certain to push you over the edge. No? Ah, you’re a hard sell! Then take a glance at the front cover. "Euro Trash Horror" it screams; that beautiful, obviously naked, temptress should complete the seduction. You might now be thinking, "If that gorgeous vixen from the cover is in the flick, how bad can it be?” She is in the movie… right?” No, not really.

Some terrific, finger-snapping, lounge style tunes play while the credits roll by (the on-screen title says Satanic) over color tinted images in the background. An old woman, walking alone in the night rain, waves down a cab and tells him to hurry up; her trip is an urgent one. She is off to visit a medical colleague of hers who is working on a formula designed to achieve cell regeneration, potentially, the key to immortality. Up until now, the formula has only been tested on animals and the side effects have been worrisome. Yes, they get younger and healthier but they also become a bit vicious in the process. Well, the old woman, Dr. Marnie Bannister, is ready to try it out for her self. She is an ugly, haggard old woman with a large and nasty growth on her face resembling some sort of infection or disease. She isn’t worried about the potentially negative effects of the serum either. When her partner in all of this explains that it’s still too unstable to try on a human, she kills him with a scalpel and takes it anyway. (Gosh, I hope the potion doesn’t make her vicious!) After drinking it all down, she passes out. She awakens to find herself sexy, young, and wearing lots of eye shadow. (Must‘ve been the magical and ever-so-elusive makeover gnomes).

The police investigate the murder and instantly come to the correct conclusion (GASP!). However, they are now searching for a nasty looking old woman, not a hip young sex kitten making the rounds at a nice upscale drinking establishment. It’s here that the new Dr. Bannister meets George, a jet-setting playboy and lady-killer extraordinaire. After an evening of fine dining and dancing, the couple heads back to George’s place for a little late night champagne, an expensive strip tease and lusty sex. As it turns out, the potion is temporary and it’s not long until the good Doctor turns into a snarling old hag bent on murder. Unfortunately for him, our shady friend George is the closest when the potion wears off. Now it’s back to the laboratory for another fix; bad news for the watchman. Although young and pretty again, the cops are hot on Bannister’s trail. (Didn’t help matters any when she shot one of the cops,) It won’t be long now… as the police get closer to the horrifying truth we are treated to some general criminal activity, a hilarious cat-fight, more giggle inspiring fashion craziness than I could keep track of, and murder.

What a mess! The plot is shifty and ridiculous, there is virtually no characterization to speak of,  the dubbed dialogue is monotonous in its best moments and the whole movie is a frustrating failure. Excruciatingly overlong at only eighty-four minutes, there is only one thing that I can say is truly enjoyable about Satanik: the soundtrack. Fans of lounge music are sure to be pleased by the Bossa-Nova-beats and Martini-shaking rhythms of most of the music heard throughout. It’s just not enough. Two brief moments of nudity don’t achieve the promised "sleazy chills" and a couple of mild, decidedly flat murders do not a "Euro Trash Horror" make. Director Piero Vivarelli directs in a rather lackluster manner and even if he had accomplished all of the stylish visuals you could have hoped for (make no mistake here, he didn’t), they would have been castrated by the full screen transfer on the DVD. I find it difficult even to recommend Satanik to bad-film fans because it isn’t bad in that sometimes-rewarding sort of way. It’s just frickin’ boring. That’s the worst kind of bad there is.

The DVD presentation itself doesn’t fare a whole lot better than the movie it contains. At the opening of the disc there is a disclaimer that says, "…some audio and video imperfections exist." Man, that’s an understatement. The cropped image often leaves you watching people talking to themselves. There are massive amounts of print damage. Don’t be surprised when someone is in the middle of a sentence and you find yourself instantly watching the next scene. There are many scratches, lines, dirt marks, and general deterioration caused by age and lack of care. The soundtrack contains a tremendous amount of popping, snapping and hiss. It also sounds high and a little tinny. The only extra is a gallery of pictures that mostly features the covers of the Italian photo novels. It’s short, but features yet another lively piece of lounge music playing in the background.

I can only recommend Satanik to those who carry on an unyielding quest for the relentlessly boring. Insomniacs take note…

Under discussion:

Royal Wedding  (1951)

ROYAL WEDDING

1951 – NR – 93 Min.

D: Stanley Donen

S: Fred Astaire – Jane Powell – Keenan Wynn – Sarah Churchill – Peter Lawford

Warner Home Entertainment DVD – Released as a double feature with The Belle Of New York

Fullscreen / Dolby Digital Mono

Extras: Robert Osborne hosts TCM’s Private Screenings with Stanley Donen – Featurette – Song Outtake – Two Classic Cartoons – Promotional radio interview with Astaire and Powell – Trailer

Lively Techincolor musical showcases Astaire and Powell as brother and sister dancing team of Tom and Ellen Bowen. He’s a workaholic and she’s a bit of a get-around-girl. Offered the chance to put on a show in London around the time of the Royal Wedding, both their lives are eventually complicated by the fact that each finds romance. Or more appropriately, it finds them. Tom and Ellen are thrown off balance by this unexpected segue into such unfamiliar territory. And what effect will all of this have on the new and tremendously successful act? Donen crafts an endearing film that is happily concerned with more than just getting to the next number. All of which, by the way, are very well done and highly entertaining. That fantastic sequence featuring Mr. Astaire dancing on the walls and ceiling of his room is still a standout; he’s as effortlessly smooth as ever. Sarah Churchill, Tom’s love interest in the story, is the daughter of Winston Churchill. Powell is bright, energetic, and a pleasure to watch. If you’re an Astaire fan you’ve probably already picked this up. If you’re unfamiliar and have been wondering, lay those worries to rest, Royal Wedding is terrific entertainment.

Under discussion:

Deep in My Heart  (1954)

DEEP IN MY HEART

1954 – NR – 132 Min.

D: Stanley Donen

S: José Ferrer – Doe Avedon – Helen Traubel – Walter Pidgeon – Jim Backus – Merle Oberon – More.

Warner Home Entertainment DVD – Newly released as part of the Classic Musicals From The Dream Factory: Volume 3 collection.

Anamorphic Widescreen / Dolby Digital 5.1

Extras: Musical Short – Classic Cartoon – Two Outtake Musical Numbers – Audio Only Outtake – Trailer

Ferrer essays the role of Sigmund Romberg, a passionate and highly creative composer who was desperate to share his gift with the world even though the world, more often than not, just wanted something catchy that they could dance to. Romberg is constantly at odds with the very nature of the business. He wants, same as anybody, to be happy and therefore tries to get along as best he can writing music he is not proud of for plays he despises, but always waiting for his chance. Things move pretty fast in Romberg’s career and he quickly experiences great success, harsh failure, bankruptcy, wealth, and, despite an apparent desire to avoid it, love. Lillian (Avedon) is the woman that steals his heart and once married Romberg’s inspiration is unstoppable. Arguably among the most accessible and friendly of the many musical biographies of the era, Deep In My Heart still drags a bit. There are 22 songs crammed into the running time, perhaps at the cost of some narrative depth. Lots of star cameos are to be found in the many recreations of Romberg’s contributions to the musical stage and there are a couple of moments that truly stand out. For example, Gene Kelley and his real life brother Fred perform a lively song and dance. Also, you’ll get to see the surprisingly sexy number featuring the statuesque Cyd Charisse and James Mitchell; it’s a showstopper. Most of the rest passes by in a rushed blur of activity. Deep In My Heart is a marginal, undemanding affair that will be much more rewarding for dedicated fans of the music in question then it will be for most anyone else.

Under discussion:

Boarding House  (1983)

BOARDINGHOUSE A.K.A. BOARDING HOUSE A.K.A. HOUSEGEIST

1982 – R – 98 Min.

D: John Wintergate

S: John Wintergate – Kalassu

Code Red DVD

Fullscreen / Dolby Digital Stereo

Extras: Commentary – Interviews – Trailers

Jim (Wintergate) moves into a home with a history of violent incidents leaving all previous residents either dead or missing. He turns the place into a boarding house for young unattached women while taking every available opportunity to practice his cosmic telekinesis in the bathtub. History soon repeats itself; a malevolent force begins to mangle and mutilate its way through the cast. This thing has some of the most inconsistent editing ever laid down on film… Erm… Videotape. It’s difficult to get across just how poorly put together, or not put together, Boardinghouse really is. The commentary explains that, to paraphrase, the producers didn’t really get what they were shooting for and edited out a lot of footage. Three cheers for the producers. There is no way more footage could have made this better unless it was from an altogether different and significantly better project. What’s left switches between failed comedy and z-grade gore F/X, potentially at the cost of viewer sanity. There’s nudity, sexual assault flashbacks, kitty splatter, eyeball popping, garbage disposal tomfoolery, hopping hearts, and yet it’s all so damn boring. The disc illustrated that the makers of Boardinghouse had their hearts in the right place, but ‘good people’ doesn’t equal ‘good movie’. Code Red comes through again by putting together a great package for all the die-hard fans out there… I hope he enjoys it. Unless you want to leave your DVD player badly in need of a digital enema, skip it. Watch your own home movies instead. A Boardinghouse 2 is threatened… Now THAT’S scary!

CORPSES ARE FOREVER (No listing on Spout.)

2003 – NR – 92 Min.

D: Jose Prendes

S: Jose Prendes – Richard Lynch – Debbie Rochon – Linnea Quigley – Felissa Rose – Brinke Stevens

Asylum Home Entertainment DVD

Widescreen / Dolby Digital 5.1

Extras: Commentary – Welcome To Linnea’s – Trailers

Under discussion:

The Butcher  (2005)

THE BUTCHER

2005 – R – 84 Min.

D: Edward Gorsuch

S: April Gilbert – Tom Nagel – Bill Jacobson – Annie Mackay

Lions Gate Home Entertainment DVD

Anamorphic Widescreen / Dolby Digital 2.0

Several youths on a joyride to Vegas are taunted by a menacing figure in a menacing truck. They hit a trap in the road and suffer only a flat. After they change the tire and catch up to the truck (for vengeful taunting and flashing) an accident leaves one of them cut in half and their vehicle disabled. They look for help at a nearby farmhouse, a sinister place that’s home to more terror than they could possibly imagine. A large disfigured maniac begins to violently pick them off one by one. Worse yet, he is not alone. Sound familiar? It should. The Butcher is a shameless assemblage of just about every well-known backwoods horror movie ever made. And a few others besides, just for good measure. The characters are all alarmingly stupid and the story is preposterously clichéd. Still, there is an undeniable energy displayed that keeps you watching, the acting is solid enough, and there are (against all odds) a few surprises in store for those who push through to the climax. A moldy shock ending pulled right out of the 80’s furthers my suspicions that The Butcher is the way it is entirely on purpose. Some mild nudity, plenty of violent deaths, a little gore, a fair amount of atmosphere and a brisk pace help this one turn out a lot more fun than it probably should be. Recommended for adventurous risk-takers coming up otherwise empty at their favorite rental haunts.

Under discussion:

Black Roses  (1988)

Black Roses (1988)

1988 – R – 84 Min.

D: John Fasano

S: John Martin – Karen Planden – Julie Adams – Carla Ferrigno – Sal Viviano

Synapse Films DVD

Anamorphic Widescreen / Dolby Digital 2.0

Extras: Commentary – Trailers – Audition Tape Excerpts

A quintessential 80’s theme is at work here; Heavy Metal is evil and must be stopped or all your children will be infected by infernal darkness, damned, lost etc. etc. etc. How many times have we heard that? Well, in Black Roses, all of those PMRC style paranoid delusions come true. Damien (Viviano) brings his sinister band to a small town intending to possess and control the local youth. The demonized teens begin killing their parents, counselors, and any other unlucky citizenry that happen to offend them and it falls to ‘cool’ teacher Matt (Martin) to stand, fight the evil and save his students before they fall pray to the unholy headbangers from hell. This heroic defender of the righteous confronts demons with various tennis-rackets, fuzzy gong bangers, and road flares. Yep, that’s the type of force ‘cool Matt’ brings to his epic battles with the minions of the underworld, often attacking with semi-retarded abandon. There’s a fair amount of nudity, a little blood, and a lot of creative monster F/X, but there’s also a feeling of things transpiring veeeerrrry slllloooowwwwly. Mildly entertaining at times, though often for the wrong reasons. In the end you get a sometimes fun, sometimes annoyingly sluggish creature feature that takes itself a lot more seriously than most horror fans will. Synapse has honored fans of Fasano’s sophomore effort admirably with a truly attractive DVD; it has never looked better. Still, Black Roses is certainly no Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare. Then again, what is? Maybe Synapse will release The Jitters next? You never can tell…

Under discussion:

Critters 2: The Main Course  (1988)

CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE (1988)

1988 – PG-13 – 92 Min.

D: Mick Garris

S: Scott Grimes – Don Opper – Terrence Mann – Liane Alexandra Curtis – Barry Corbin

Available on New Line Home Entertainment DVD

Anamorphic Widescreen / Dolby Digital 5.1

Extras: Trailers for the Critters series

A batch of Crite eggs left over from the first film are discovered, traded for generic beer and a couple of Playboy’s, purchased by a church, used for their Easter egg hunt, and inadvertently hatched. Wow. As expected, Critters hit the ground hungry and prove it by instantly eating a dog, a grumpy old fart, and a cop in a bunny outfit. It only gets worse from there. That statement could be taken two ways… and both are right. Brad (still Grimes but now with earring) is returning to town for a visit with his Grandmother; the family moved away after the events of the original. Charlie (still Opper) has joined up with his bounty hunting buddies and is busy battling creatures in deep space when word comes down that the job hasn’t been completed yet. Harv the sheriff (Corbin replacing Walsh) has moved to the outskirts of town and would really rather not be bothered with any of it, too bad Harv. There are a lot more Critters this time and the whole place is in danger of becoming one big redneck buffet so the old group gets together, rallies the townspeople to fight, and we’re off and running. The battles are bigger, the body count is higher, and the effects are significantly grislier. Even so, Critters 2 falls remarkably short of its predecessor in directing, plot, script, editing, viewer involvement, characterization, heck, essentially everything that matters. The F/X are still great, and the man-eating Critterball is indeed a sight to behold, but it’s just not a satisfying good time like the original. This is often the case with sequels, true, but you get the sense that this could have been, not just should have been, much better. Critters 2: The Main Course is watchable, even likeable, but ultimately disappointing. Best tactic? See this by itself and as far removed from the first as possible. Followed by Critters 3 and Critters 4, both direct to video, both best avoided.

Under discussion:

Basket Case  (1982)

BASKET CASE

1982 – NR – 91 Min.

D: Frank Henenlotter

S: Kevin Van Hentenryck – Terri Susan Smith – Beverly Bonner – Belial (as himself)

Image Entertainment (Something Weird Video) DVD

Fullscreen / Dolby Digital Mono

Extras: Too numerous to mention.

Revisiting Frank Henenlotter’s delightfully demented movie for about the eighth time illustrated the following with no small degree of clarity… A classic is a classic and Basket Case settles into that category quite comfortably. Duane Bradley (Van Hentenryck) and his mutant brother Belial (ex Siamese twins) have come to New York seeking revenge against the doctors that performed the very unwelcome surgery that separated them while young. Huge complications arise when Duane falls for a receptionist working for one of the doctors. They also have to contend with insatiably nosy neighbors while staying at the Hotel Broslin. So much has been written about this through the years that it’s likely next to impossible to dig anything new out of the basket. There are moments so perversely twisted that it’s difficult to believe a black-as-midnight wit could be maintained, but it is. Henenlotter weaves (rimshot) his tale of brotherly love and loyalty masterfully and, with the possible exception of Brain Damage, hasn’t topped it yet. Mind-altering delirium from the first grunt to the last splat. Any self-respecting horror fan owes it to him/herself to see what all the fuss is about. It might not be perfect, but any arrows that can be slung won’t change the fact that Basket Case remains one of the most unique movies ever to flicker away in front of the light of a grindhouse projector. And now, thanks to DVD, it can all be yours.

Under discussion:

Blood of the Virgins  (1967)

BLOOD OF THE VIRGINS A.K.A. SANGRE DE VIRGENES

1967 – NR – 73 minutes

Directed by Emilio Vieyra

A strange and interesting one, this. It has a lot of style, nice cinematography, and decent atmosphere. It also has candles that blow out from the wind but are relit with the angle change, cars that all make the same screeching noise no matter where they are or how fast they are going, and doors that all make a creaking noise that reminded me of numerous cartoons. Thing is, it all flows together into this wonderfully wild strange-fest that could only have been born out of the late sixties Argentinean cinema scene.

Eduardo loves Ofelia but she does not love Eduardo, no, she loves only Gustavo and Gustavo loves her. Ofelia’s parents disapprove of the mysterious Gustavo because he won’t meet them and “that’s no way to behave”. In love with him or not, Ofelia’s parents insist that she marry the more family friendly Eduardo and that’s that. Not hardly! She does that which is expected of her as Gustavo watches (in angry passion and envious pain) the ceremony from outside the church. On her wedding night, as she is about to clinch the deal, Gustavo sneaks in and jams a dagger all the way through Eduardo’s neck! He has fangs! He’s a vampire! Gasp! While grabbing a handful of Ofelia’s plenty-big cans, Gustavo bites the woman he loves and welcomes her to a life among the undead, whether she likes it or not. And she doesn’t. He later helps her from her grave as she returns to life and off they go into the woods, forever together. Mind you, this is when the credits roll. Not bad eh? A disorienting mix of soap-opera sensibilities, fangs, boobs and blood, and it’s only just gettin’ started.

Now we meet a traveling group of young hipsters grooving their way around the country, living life for all it’s worth. This montage is well over five minutes long (!) and shows our happy, horny, goodtime gang and their travel guide-slash-van driver skiing, groping, partying, stripping, screwing, and dancing the Bossa Nova at a boat party. Big bouncing boobs, go-go tune gyration, and gigantic sunglasses… now that’s a party. Then it hits you that these are supposed to be the virgins of the title! Puh-lease, I think some of these half-naked party girls have seen more shafts than an elevator repair company. Regardless, these bountiful women would all make Russ Meyer proud!

While cruising around the more deserted areas of the countryside one night, presumably on their way back to the motel where they are staying, the travel van cuts out. 

“What’s up?” 

“No gas.” 

“You dick!”

The driver says that there is an abandoned lodge nearby but people “see things” there and he would just as soon wait for morning right where he is. Of course these warnings are ignored and they head straight for the lodge where they find Ofelia’s creepy butler waiting for them with a nice spread of food and wine. The booze has been drugged and so everybody is knocked out. Everybody but Raul, who was seemingly too nervous to indulge. With everyone unconscious, it’s time for the vampire Gustavo to make his entrance and bite him some boob. While this is going on Raul is having a look around the house and runs across Ofelia who, for some reason, is reminded of her true love, Eduardo. She explains that her soul needs saving but Raul just doesn’t get it so they do each other dry instead. The next morning the driver brings back help but none of the girls are anywhere to be found. A thorough search of the area turns up Laura’s (Raul’s main squeeze) shoe but little else. They report all this to the police but it doesn’t help much. That night, while Raul tries to relax in his hotel room, Laura comes to him but has little to say and passes out. Okay, time for some reinforcements. Tito, Laura’s brother is on the scene. The marks are discovered but nobody is all that anxious to believe that vampires are actually the cause of everyone’s trouble. Soon, they have no choice but to accept the truth.

BLOOD OF THE VIRGINS has some surprisingly competent imagery but it’s also got plot holes the size of Lake Erie. These vampires are not hindered by the usual rules either; they can walk around freely in daylight, for example. There is not a single stake or crucifix in the entire flick and there is no heroic Van-Helsing type. Vieyra takes us down a distinctly alternate path with his vampires than most of us are used to traveling and that, for the most part, is okay. It’s often silly and even manages to drag a little bit in the middle (Which is a bad thing, taking into consideration the fact that the film runs a mere seventy-three or so minutes.). On the whole, though, it’s a fun film and a cheesy and exploitative diversion from the norm. It’s great stuff for when you’re in the mood for something a little different. There’s gore, a lot of nudity, and a number of truly fun moments for the relatively undiscriminating. The sometimes jazzy (and sometimes intrusive) score is generally appropriate for the material. Invite some friends over, knock a few back, throw this in the DVD player and have a good time.

Under discussion:

My Man Godfrey  (1936)

MY MAN GODFREY

1936 – NR – 93 Min.

D: Gregory La Cava

S: William Powell – Carole Lombard – Eugene Pallette – Gail Patrick – Alice Brady – Jean Dixon

Criterion Collection DVD

Fullscreen / Dolby Digital Mono

Extras: Commentary – Outtakes – Radio Adaptation – Production Stills – Trailer

Powell is Godfrey, a ‘forgotten man’ living in the city dump until he is virtually swallowed up by the Bullock family during a scavenger hunt. Leaving a particularly strong impression, especially on Irene (Lombard), leads our pensive yet eager hero into employment as the new butler of the Bullock household. It is demonstrated almost immediately that living and working in said household requires the patience of Job. There’s the general day to day insanity to deal with (Nobody wants to claim the horse in the library?), as well as the stress brought on by Irene’s deviously calculating sister Cornelia (Patrick) and her constant plotting against Godfrey’s continued employment. Largest of all complications, however, is that Irene has fallen for the mysterious new butler, hard. When the truth about his past comes to light, the Bullock’s, and perhaps Godfrey himself, will never be the same. Though usually referred to as screwball comedy, My Man Godfrey is much more than that. The usual trappings are all present, social observation, satire, and yes, comedy, but nearly flawless direction combined with the talents of the exceptional cast come together to create something truly special. My Man Godfrey is an insightful, hilarious, profound, rewarding entertainment that deserves every bit of recognition it has and will claim. Lots of options will present themselves to those seeking to add this one to their collections, but the Criterion release is really the only way to go. Very highly recommended.

Under discussion:

The Abortion  (2006)

ARAF – THE ABORTION

2006 – NR – 97 Min

D: Biray Dalkiran

S: Akasya Asliturkmen – Murat Yildirim

Under discussion:

Deadful Melody  (1993)

DEADFUL MELODY

AKA Six Fingered Strings Demon

1994 - Directed By: - Ng Min Kan

Starring - Yuen Biao, Brigitte Lin, Wu Ma, Carina Lau and Elvis Tsui.

Martial Arts Directors - Meng Hoi and Lee King-Chu

The melody that the title of the film makes reference to is the “Heavenly Dragon Eight Notes”.  When played on the magical lyre by someone whose powers are great enough to control the instrument people in the area tend to explode.  Six heroes of the martial arts world ally to get the lyre for themselves presuming that to control the lyre is to control the world of martial arts.  They attempt to slaughter the family in possession of the prize but the youngest boy, Lun, is hidden from them in the fields.  The daughter, Snow, is carrying the lyre with her and backed up against a cliff.  When given the option of handing over the instrument to the people who just killed her mother and father or jumping off the cliff she decides jumping is best.  The lyre is not heard from again.

Cut to 16 years later.  Lun is now a man who has been raised by the Leader of “The Flying Tiger Security Company”.  When we catch up to him we find out that he is about to take over the company and has no knowledge of those earlier events.  On the same night that Lun takes over responsibility of the company Brigitte Lin shows up as a mysterious stranger with an equally mysterious package to be delivered.  Of course those who have raised Lun know what the lyre is and what it’s capable of so the man Lun calls Dad decides to go with him on this escort.  It seems like a matter of seconds before they are attacked for the first time and it just gets worse from there.  When the package is finally delivered to Hon Suen it contains only the head of his son.  This is about the time Brigitte Lin starts making herself, and the lyre, known to those around her.  With Hon Suen out of the way there remain five colorful clan leaders desperate for the power of the “demonic strings” and five unpunished murderers that have become the target of Snows lifelong quest for retribution.  Master Six Fingers is both anxious and short-tempered. Master Tong Fong Pak looks like a rock star.  Master Ghost looks like your average hopping vampire.  He isn’t, of course, but he could sure fake it if he wanted to.  Master Fire is a mellowed by the years guy who seems at times obsessed with the lyre and at other times deviously contemplative.  He has tried to relax but the draw of the lyre and the temptations of its power are just too much for him to completely resist.  Master Fire’s student, Tam Yuet Wah, becomes Lun’s love interest.  The final remaining clan leader is Ha Ching Fa, also known as “The Cold hearted Seductress”.  She is meltingly beautiful and can yank your head of with her whip without even trying. Awesome.

Deadful Melody is a film based on a martial arts novel by Ni Kuang.  Yuen Biao has always been, in my opinion, one of the most under-rated stars of Hong Kong cinema.  Ti Lung and Lam Ching-Ying as well, but seeing as how they have nothing to do with this film…  Biao has acrobatic skill unequalled by many and his martial arts abilities are unquestionably impressive.  Biao is also a fine actor with an admirable range.  None of these great qualities are really over exposed in Melody and that’s too bad.  He is far from wasted but they never really let him shine.  It’s a solid performance and certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  Brigitte Lin is icy and mysterious as usual.  Her trademark evil eye stare is well used in a tale of vengeance such as this and although there's the usual gender crossing with Lin there are also moments in the film existing simply to celebrate her enigmatic beauty.  It’s a nice contrast that’s achieved.  Wu Ma as Master Fire is also a real treat.  The man has been working in films for so long it’s almost comforting when I see his name in the credits; he was also credited as the planner for this film.  Elvis Tsui gives a very solid run as Tong Fong Pak and Carina Lau is endearing as the cocky and love stricken student.  The only characters in the entire film I didn’t care for were the children of Master Ghost but they don’t have enough screen time to really get on the nerves.

This is a satisfying comedy-love-martial arts-revenge movie.  The soundtrack by composer Wong Jim is both heroic and epic.  There isn’t as much fighting as you might have come to expect from this genre of film - the big scene at the beginning, a couple of scrapes sprinkled throughout and the expected awe-inspiring finale.  Deadful Melody is not at all hurt by this lack of interpersonal mayhem. There is such a lyrical (pun fully intended) vision to this one that it’s almost distracting.  All of the photography has an appreciable fluidity with lots of low angles and the usual stunning color schemes.  Never does Melody go over the top though, as much at home as that style serves a film like Green Snake, for example, it would be out of place here.  They achieved a very satisfying balance in this respect. The hyper kinetic editing is also just right and works even during the few instances when speed film techniques are on display.  Even though the ending of the film does come across as a little abrupt it’s not so much so that you feel you missed something.

Under discussion:

Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes  (2007)

PUMPKINHEAD: ASHES TO ASHES

2006 – R – 94 Min.

D: Jake West

S: Lance Henriksen - Doug Bradley - Douglas Roberts

A group of small-town degenerates desecrate corpses; they collect the skin and parts for profit (And Meth!). Occasionally they also harvest organs from unfortunate strangers who happen by. Among this villainous group is the mildly guilt-ridden Bunt Wallace (Roberts) who, in the original, pointed Ed Harley to the witch in the woods. Leading them is the local M.D. (who manages to stay inexplicably above suspicion).  Everybody simply refers to him as Doc (Bradley – Try to spot the collection of Hellraiser puzzle boxes hidden in the Doc’s house!). After the discovery of the bodies, four outraged relatives of the defiled departed visit Haggis and Pumpkinhead is called upon to violently avenge those who have been wronged. Wisely choosing not to acknowledge the abysmal would-be sequel known as Blood Wings, Ashes to Ashes connects solely to the original. The atmosphere is not on par with that classic first installment, but it is fast-paced and interesting throughout. The poor CG is thankfully infrequent and takes a backseat to the many excellent physical effects. Pumpkinhead is still a cool creation and perhaps in a worse mood than usual as the kills are protracted and graphic. It’s always great to see Lance Henricksen, the story moves, the F/X (courtesy of Gary J. Tunnicliffe and friends) are strong, the direction is solid, and the soundtrack is moody as all get out. Unfortunately, the films biggest flaw comes from the fact that there’s nobody to really relate to or root for until very far along, and even then it’s a stretch. It’s all bastards and bad-guys, which keeps the viewer at a disadvantageous distance. Despite its flaws, this effort remains an entertaining watch. Though unable to reach the greatness achieved by the original, Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes is still a good time and worth checking out.

Under discussion:

Eyes of a Stranger  (1981)

EYES OF A STRANGER

1981 – R – 85 Min.

D: Ken Wiederhorn

S: Lauren Tewes – Jennifer Jason Leigh – John DiSanti

Warner Brothers Home Entertainment DVD (Also released as part of the Twisted Terror Collection.)

Anamorphic Widescreen / Dolby Digital Mono

Decidedly unpleasant movie features Tewes (of Love Boat fame) as newswoman Jane Harris reporting on the recent activities of serial rapist/murderer Stanley Herbert (DiSanti). Harris expresses a special interest because her younger sister Tracey (Leigh) was viciously assaulted as a child and left deaf, blind, and unable to speak. As misfortune would have it, Jane discovers that the psychopath in question lives in the same twin-tower high-rise apartment complex where she now resides with her special-needs sibling. Her lawyer boyfriend initially dismisses Jane as paranoid so she makes a solo attempt to expose Herbert for the sicko he is. Before it’s over it will be Tracey who is once again in jeopardy. Sleazy situations abound. You’ll see no graphic rape but you’ll see the detailed beatings, weakening strangulations, and other humiliations that lead up to it in detail. A dog is thrown in only so it can be shown dead later on, it’s just that kind of movie. Not poorly made, technically, but still off the mark. Eyes of A Stranger is a slasher trying to disguise itself as an important thriller, even going so far as to loosely reference Hitchcock. Whether this was intentional or not is unknown. Regardless, such machinations do little to veil the truth…. This is just another sleazy time-killer… period. The good news is that this DVD release of Eyes of A Stranger is completely uncut and features all of Tom Savini’s previously unseen special effects intact!

Under discussion:

Sex with a Smile  (1976)

SEX WITH A SMILE is a collection of five unrelated vignettes focusing on burlesque-style bawdiness and slapstick comedy.  The parade of immeasurably beautiful Italian women is the most obvious reason to acquire this title.  However, there are some fun moments to be had if taken in small doses.  As it is broken up into twenty minute stories (approximately), the best way to really enjoy this is to avoid over exposure; it’s a lot of silliness to take all in one sitting.  It does have its rewards, though, for example: Barbara Bouchet, Edwige Fenech, Dayle Haddon, Giovanna Ralli and Sydne Rome.  Rewards indeed!  

The first story is called ONE FOR THE MONEY and features Barbara Bouchet as a woman approached with an indecent proposal.  A man spots her on the balcony one day and rushes up to ring the bell.  He has twenty million Lira in a briefcase and says that it can all be hers if she’ll sleep with him.  She’s offended, naturally, and then they do it.  It’s on the condition that she’ll never have to see him again.  Fair enough.  He comes back the next day with twenty million Lira more and says he needs one more replay before he is off to Australia.  She flatly refuses.  They do it again.  The day after that she is at the airport waiting to pick up her husband, who is due to return, but she runs into the financially endowed pervert yet again.  She insults him and walks away.  They do it at the airport.  There is a really sick twist at the end of this one but, don’t worry, you won’t read about it here.

Next up is THE BODYGUARD, my personal favorite of the bunch.  It stars Dayle Haddon as a put upon woman who’s far away father insists that she have a bodyguard to protect her.  The part of the bodyguard is played by (No, not HIM!) Marty Feldman.  Yep, that’s right, Marty Feldman.  He’s a carrot chomping (good for the eyes), bubble burping, imbecilic, over-achiever who takes his job all together too seriously.  When the beautiful Marina’s thighs start shaking over an avant-garde artist and she wants some alone time, things get severely complicated.  For openers, the potential suitor hits Feldman over the head with a baseball bat so as to get some peace but accidentally kills him.  Or does he?  Now, Marina (Haddon) is in even more danger than anyone feared.  Lots of great sight gags (ho-ho) like the googly-eyed periscope Feldman uses while hiding in the pool.  Have to love the frisking scene, too.  “That’s funny, he doesn’t look Jewish”.  This may be your one chance in life to see Marty Feldman frolicking about the fields in full hippie regalia.  Can you really afford to let a chance like that slip away?  I think not.

Now it’s CATCH IT WHILE IT’S HOT.  Giovanna Ralli is a tempting Countess with a chauffeur that suffers so badly from his horniness that he is constantly putting the both of them in life-threatening danger, themselves as well as anyone else on the road.  It doesn’t help that the humidity is so high, either.  The Countess is constantly tormenting her driver by taunting him with her… assets.  A peak of this, a flash of that, and soon this libidinous Sicilian “It’s my hot Southern blood! I can’t help myself!” can barely contain his passions.  Still, no favors are granted.  All is not as it appears to be though…

Fourth up is DREAM GIRL, the Edwige Fenech episode.  She plays Emillia Chiapponi; she is everyone’s dream girl.  The town nearly stops whenever she decides to take a walk.  One man in particular (Tomas Milian, who is nearly unrecognizable in his role!), an uptight and anal-retentive nerd type, is especially tormented by this vision of beauty.  He has… aggressive dreams about her.  Eventually he begins to call her to talk about his suffering in hopes that it will help to cure him of it.  It doesn’t.  This man intrigues Fenech and it isn’t long before she wants to meet him in person.  As usual, things don’t turn out exactly as anyone plans.

Last, and certainly least, is A DOG’S DAY.  While looking over a potential new apartment for himself, the twitchy Adriano notices Marcella (Sydne Rome) on the ledge outside his window.  He saves her by dragging her in and she is so over-whelmed by his caring and compassion that she clings instantly to him.  Our accommodating gent is over-powered by his lust and they head back to her place for a bit of the old “horizontal bop”.  There’s one minor complication however; her insanely jealous German Shepard, Othello, won’t let him anywhere near her.  Soon, Adriano ends up hiding on the window ledge and even more hilarity ensues, I guess.  I found it to be the weakest and the least interesting of all the stories. 

It’s all sort of ridiculous and is certainly not the best place to begin nurturing an appreciation for European sex comedies.  At its finest it’s an altogether average movie but it does have some funny moments and a catchy soundtrack provided by the De Angelis brothers.  There is a sequel, made the same year, simply titled SEX WITH A SMILE PART 2.  It’s more of the same and was also directed by Sergio Martino. 

The end credits contain the following disclaimer…”Any resemblance to actual events or real persons living or dead is entirely coincidental…Who would believe it anyway?”