SkyPilot
Posts 576
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9/29/2006 10:59 PM
posted awhile ago
Documentaries That Can't Exist
What from the past would you most like to see eye-witness documentary footage of? For example, what if someone had been documenting the 40-year wanderings of the Hebrews through the desert? Perhaps Joshua would be the filmmaker, and after half a lifetime of filming he would catch the back of Moses, exhausted but invigorated by the sight of the Promised Land, stretching forward with one hand as he slumps over. The camera remains steady on the Land of Milk & Honey as the sun is rising, then pans down to the lifeless pile of robes. Camera lingers for perhaps a bit too long while Joshua begins a voice-over, expressing his mixed feelings about succeeding Moses.
I would also love to see footage of the first Roman Legions exploring the Great Britain, what was once a "dark place of the earth," according to Marlowe in Heart of Darkness. Trading and warfare with Celts, Druidic rituals... Stonehenge when it still looked new!
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paul
Posts 251
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10/3/2006 2:25 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
I would like to see documentary footage of a day in the life of a viking. Kind of a reality TV series like The Osbournes. Follow one family through a year. See what happens when people stop pillaging, and start geting real.
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SkyPilot
Posts 576
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10/4/2006 1:32 AM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
Yeah, and maybe the camera would cut from the viking to an English monk in a coastal monastery. For the first few hours or episodes, we're all thinking, "How the heck are these people going to meet?" But then the footage in the viking village makes it clear that a showdown is inevitable: longboats are being built. Swords smelted. Young men trained.
Meanwhile, our beloved monk is tending the orchard and perfecting a method for fermenting apples. We yell at the screen, "Run inland, you idiot! Or build a moat!"
But we empathize with the viking family, too. Karl Olaffson's eldest son, Erik Karlson, will accompany the horde for the first time. He will be among the first to storm the St. George monastery. Maybe someone else can tell us how it ends...
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paul
Posts 251
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10/4/2006 9:13 AM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
In the tradition of documentaries that don't go where the director intended (Kurt and Courtney), Olaffson is elected to stay behind and protect the women and children because, at age 34, he's a little long in the tooth for battle.
As Karlson says goodbye to his father, he leaves behind a critical piece of nautical gear—Olaffson's metaphorical baton passed on to his son. The horde wonders listlessly at sea much longer than expected until they turn back to go home.
Meanwhile at the monastery, an unseasonable cold snap ruins th majority of the apple orchards production that year. The monks reluctantly open their stores of beer as their winter staple. It's going to be a long one. But a litter of orphaned squirrels appear in the cellar and, for the monks, serve as a providential distraction from the long winter months.
In a last ditch effort to pull the film out of total banality, the director tries to arrange a marriage between Karlson and a girl from a rival tribe. Like Michael Moore chasing Charlton Heston in Bowling for Columbine, he milks Olaffson's refusal to let Karlson marry the girl for all it's worth. Which, in the end, isn't worth much at all.
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SkyPilot
Posts 576
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10/4/2006 9:46 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
Great work, Paul! That was fun. Play again, anyone?
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PammyK
Posts 216
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10/10/2006 1:06 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
I would like to watch a documentary of my early childhood, footage of those seemingly insignificant events and choices that completely shaped who I am today. The film would start with fast moving clips of the birth, my first home, the mobile above my crib, my favorite baby food flavor, my first word, failing my first year of preschool. Then it would slow for one of the first important events...you'd hear giggling and you'd see me with my friend, running down the school hallway with containers of black paint - and then "splash" black paint all over my blue and white pin stripe paints and my pink button down shirt. Then more quick scenes of me growing up - meeting my baby brother, playing with earth worms in front of the school, not winning the spelling bee at the church across the street. Another slow one - Pam playing on the rolled up wrestling mats with her friend Randy while her entire class has filed up onto the stage without her and started singing "Thy Word" to the captivated audience including Pam's mom, dad, and both sets of grandparents...
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spoutgirl
Posts 211
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10/10/2006 2:26 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
I would buy this film if it was ever made.
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Risselada
Posts 2068
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10/16/2006 12:21 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
One of my absolute favorite films is Herzog's The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser. There are so many reasons why I love this movie, not just because of interest in the real life story. The script, the way Herzog constructs the world and the moments, the unusual faces and reactions of all of the actors, especially Bruno S. But I'm sure if the equipment had existed back then, there would surely be many such documentations of Kaspar Hauser's life after he was discovered. I would be immensely interested to see that.
Some other interesting characters that I think would be fascinating if it were possible to have documented portions of their life as a movie:
the supposedly wisest ruler to ever live, Solomon
George Psalmanazar, who supposedly fooled countless people in Britain into believing he was a native of Formosa and made up all kinds of fake rituals and habits that supposedly came from there as well
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SkyPilot
Posts 576
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10/16/2006 2:29 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
I think I would be afraid to watch a documentary of my childhood, like in PammyK's entry. Some part of my intuition tells me that I might sob uncontrollably. But the upside is that I might be able to put my tiny, formative failings into perspective. (They were so huge when I myself was tiny!)
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AndyLaBryn
Posts 47
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12/13/2006 11:39 AM
posted awhile ago
Re: Documentaries That Can't Exist
This is my idea for a movie, so don't steal it :)
A doc into the life of the hardcore karaoke singer. Highlighting a few people who take serious pride in going to the local crap bar and singing their guts out to the drunken patrons over pitchers of pabst and how their lives run after and before show time.
Wouldn't be suprised if it turned out much like Gummo
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