SkyPilot
Posts 576
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2/3/2009 5:49 PM
posted awhile ago
STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl
SEE THE FINAL RESULTS IN ROUND FIVE BELOW: DARTH VADER vs HAN SOLO
And by the way, you can still vote in all of the rounds. Did any of the fights go down wrong? Make your voice heard!
ROUND ONE
I'll be hiding underneath a table with my laptop, to report on the carnage as it goes down.
How did this fight get started, anyway?
So I'm hanging out in the Mos Eisley Cantina when this Fanboys trailer comes on TV. Boba Fett leans over to me and says, "I hear those Star Wars boys tangled with a gang of Trekkies, and cleaned their clocks. The Trekkie scum deserved it, too."
Then all of a sudden, a dude in a yellow jumpsuit smashes his beer glass on Luke Skywalker's head, and all hell breaks loose!
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ROUND TWO
ADVANCE TO ROUND FOUR TO VOTE FOR SURVIVORS
Round One Lowdown: Blood is Spilled
DARTH MAUL vs SPOCK
Maul closes in on the Vulcan inch by inch, flailing his double-bladed lightsaber all about him, an advancing wall of red destruction. Spock remains calm...picks up a can of PBR...memorizes the rhythm of the whirling red lights before him...and chucks the can! BAM! Maul loses his grip on the lighsaber and cuts himself in half!
LANDO CALRISSIAN vs WORF
Lando throws two gallant uppercuts--a left and a right--but Worf stops both by grasping Lando's forearms and holding on tight. Then Worf smacks Lando's hands into the guy's face again and again, saying "Why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself..."
CHEWBACCA vs KHAN
Clawing, biting, ripping, roaring--this is like watching a wrestling match between grizzlies on steroids. Even after Chewie yanks Khan's arms from his sockets, Khan keeps on tearing at Chewie with his teeth. Using Khan's arms as clubs, Chewie finally batters him into submission.
HAN SOLO vs GENERAL CHANG
General Chang tries to intimidate Solo, flourishing his bat'leth and shouting esoteric Shakespeare quotes. Solo's not impressed. He draws his blaster, and it's over.
DARTH VADER vs THE BORG QUEEN
The Borg Queen's hive mind helps her stay one step ahead of Vader's lightsaber, so Vader starts using the Force, pelting her with spare change, peanut shells, and pickled eggs. The Borg Queen is advancing through this trash hurricane when suddenly Vader hits her with all the liquor bottles from behind the bar. (There must have been, like, 99 bottles on that wall!) Ding dong, the Queen is dead.
BOBA FETT vs JEAN-LUC PICARD
Fett is overconfident; little does he know that Picard boasts a varsity letter from the Star Fleet Academy wrestling team. Fett suddenly finds himself on the receiving end of a suplex, then a helmet-splitting piledriver! The bounty hunter does not get up.
PRINCESS LEIA vs SEVEN OF NINE
Ooh, this was a close one. Leia fought hard and dirty (I winced when she kicked Seven of Nine in the crotch), but Seven of Nine's almost inhuman endurance won her the match.
LUKE SKYWALKER vs JAMES T. KIRK
This is the longest match of Round 1 because they keep calling "Time out" to watch the girls fight. At one point Kirk nods over at Leia and says, "That philly has her phaser set to stunning." Luke, suddenly affronted, yells "That's my sister!" and rabbit punches the Captain in the back of his head.
Yeah, I think it's kind of cheap, too. Kirk might have been a lech, but you can't deny that he had style.
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ROUND THREE
Go to Round Five to vote for a finalist!
Round Two Lowdown: This sh!t just got real.
CHEWBACCA vs WORF
As if they rehearsed this a hundred times, Chewie and Worf punch each other in perfect unison, go stiff as boards, and fall in opposite directions. Chewie hits the floor and Worf hits the jukebox. As “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John splutters to a start, Worf yells, “Blech, human music!” He punches the jukebox, and it switches to “Cat Scratch Fever.” Worf says, “Well, that’s not so ba--” Chewie hits him with a chair, then pounds the dazed Klingon into submission.
VADER vs PICARD
Picard grabs a seltzer bottle from the bar and blasts the liquid into Vader’s chest. Vader’s computerized armor sizzles and pops, then as his body erupts with blue electricity, he screams in pain and falls to one knee. Picard grabs Vader's lightsaber and raises it for the killing stroke, while Darth moves his hand in what looks like a pantomime of scooping ice cream. Suddenly the lightsaber that Picard’s holding swoops in a scooping arc, carving his head from his torso.
PICARD BECOMES LOCUTUS OF BORG
Vader is doubled over in pain, so he doesn’t see the mechanical body of The Borg Queen slip off the Queen’s flesh. The body creeps to Picard’s bifurcated corpse like a hungry spider, and melds to Picard’s head. As this new monstrosity stands up, I’m so freaked out by the look in its eyes that I yell to Darth, “Look out behind you!”
LUKE SKYWALKER vs SEVEN OF NINE
Seven of Nine does this amazing cartwheel that ends up with her clenching Luke’s neck between her legs. Luke’s face is turning blue when he taps into some deep reserve of strength, punching Seven of Nine repeatedly in the kidneys. Once she lets him go, Luke has his groove back and he wins easily.
HAN SOLO vs SPOCK
Han breaks a pool cue over a table and thwacks the half-Vulcan in the temple. Spock reels from the pain, but he rights himself quickly and smashes a bottle of Jack Daniels against a pool table. Han and Spock circle one another around the pool table, slashing cautiously with their weapons, when suddenly a great blue light shines in through the entrance.
THE WORMHOLE
The light is followed by a deafening blast and a gale-force vacuum. Loose objects fly out the door, and as I grasp a bolted-down table for dear life, above me fly the corpses of Kirk and of Spock, who has a pool cue stuck through his neck. Then, as suddenly as the light and wind began, it stops. Everyone still alive looks to the door, our mouths agape.
NERO THE VULCAN
There’s a super-badass-looking Vulcan who says, “I’m Nero. I’m from the future. And I challenge…[he points his spear at Luke] YOU!”
THE REGENERATION OF SPOCK
Spock is standing next to Nero, sporting a Van Dyke beard and wearing a luxuriant purple bathrobe. Han Solo yells, “Didn’t I just kill you?” This Spock says, “I’ve been regenerated by the Genesis Project.”
THE RESURRECTION OF KIRK
"But," Spock continues, "I don't understand how you come back, Captain." Kirk says, "What do you mean, I fell into a wormhole and came back out again--what's not to understand?" As Kirk slips some brass knuckles onto his hand, the opening notes of Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" blast from the jukebox, and everyone gets down to their bloody business.
I'm starting to wonder if I can make it out of here alive...
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ROUND FOUR -- Go on a little further!
Round Three Lowdown: Bloodlust
HAN SOLO vs JAMES T. KIRK
Kirk bull-rushed Solo into a corner, hoping to trap him. Kirk grabbed Solo by the collar and wound up for a vicious punch--this would be a showstopper, with his brass knuckles on--when Solo plucked a dart off the wall and lobbed it at the Captain's forehead. And it stuck! As the Captain stumbled around, trying to pull the dart out, Solo threw a triangle around the Captain's head and yelled "Rack 'em!" Then he hoisted a pool cue, yelled "Break!" and thwacked the Captain so hard the Next Generation will feel it.
VADER VS LOCUTUS OF BORG
Locutus reached for the seltzer bottle that had helped him earlier, but Vader sent it skittering across the floor. Locutus, scared now, grabbed an 8-ball and chucked it at Vader's head--but Vader made it stop mid-air, reverse directions, and smack Locutus in the nose. Then Vader finished him in a way that made sure the Borg wouldn't come back again.
CHEWBACCA vs REGENERATED SPOCK
Spock flew at Chewbacca, a flurry of bony knees, elbows and karate chops. More than a few connected, but that just made Chewie madder. He grabbed Spock by the ankles and starting smacking him against the walls, floor, and ceiling. No, it wasn't easy to watch.
LUKE SKYWALKER vs NERO THE ROMULAN
For all of Nero's bravado, he went down pretty easy. Luke made sure Nero was in more pieces than when he started the fight.
I give CPR to SEVEN OF NINE
After a couple of lengthy rounds of CPR, Seven of Nine finally comes to. I thank God for how lucky I am, if you know what I mean, when suddenly I get hit with a spray of blood...
LUKE HAS LOST IT
It's Nero's blood. Luke is still slashing at Nero's body. "Luke," I yell, "why are you doing that?" When Luke looks up at me, something has changed in his face. Vader says, "Yes son, now you know what it's like to embrace the power of your anger... Kill them...kill them all!" In a flash, Luke's beheaded Seven of Nine (dang it!) and he's going to kill me, when Solo hits him with a chair.
"Kid, you've lost it!" Solo yells. As Chewie roars at Vader, "Welcome to the Jungle" blasts from the jukebox, and the carnage continues.
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ROUND FIVE
Round Four Lowdown: Spill your guts.
LUKE SKYWALKER vs HAN SOLO
"Kid, wake up!" Han yells. "Your dad has you under some kind of...voodoo curse, or something!" "No," Luke says, "he doesn't. I've just finally come to my senses."
Meanwhile...
DARTH VADER vs CHEWBACCA
Chewbacca grasps the marble bar top, and with a roar that would loosen the bowels of any Sith Lord, he snaps a four-foot long slab off the bar. Chewie hits Vader squarely on the top of the head, and CRUNCH--Vader's feet plunge through the floorboards. Chewie hits him again--CRUNCH--Vader sinks down to his knees. CRUNCH! Chewie's driving him into the ground like a big, iron railroad spike! With a fourth, punishing hit, Vader's helmet shatters like an eggshell...
LUKE vs HAN
"Last chance, kid," Han says, hoisting a bottle of vodka. Luke winds up for another swing, so Han chucks it, hard...
And SMASH! Luke cuts it out of the air. No glass hits him, just vodka. "Did you really think that would stop me, Han?" "No," Han says, "I thought this would"--and he throws an open lighter. Skywalker bursts into flames, and Han blasts the guy out of his misery.
DARTH vs CHEWIE
Vader, dazed but aware his son is in danger, yells "Nooooooo!" and throws his lightsaber, swirling, across the room. It's too late to save Luke, but its tip glances across Chewie's gut and keeps flying, slicing off Han's gun hand.
Chewie is incapacitated, holding his guts in place. Vader levitates out of the hole and pulls his lightsaber toward him.
"You will pay, Han Solo," he says. "Or should I call you... Solo Hand?"
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FINAL BATTLE: DARTH VADER vs HAN SOLO
In a flash, Han wraps a tourniquet on his wrist. "Don't worry," I yell to him, "I think the hand can be sewn on afterwards!" That's when Vader uses the force to pick up the severed hand, drop it in the bar sink, and switch on the garbage disposal.
Han bellows like a wookie and grabs Luke's lightsaber. Their sabers clash, showering sparks over the wrecked room. Pools of alcohol catch fire, casting the duellists in a hellish blue light. Han swings hard and fast, but Vader's ready for every slash and thrust. Vader delivers a nasty kick to Han's gut, and Han falls backwards, prone.
Vader's standing over Han with his saber point at the pilot's throat. "This is the end, Solo," Vader says, and raises his lightsaber for the coup de grace. Suddenly, there's a stirring from the behind the bar--Chewie pops up and throws a big white thing at Vader, and Vader, not even looking, twists his lightsaber behind his back to block--to block the flying propane tank!--and BOOOOOOOM!
I see stars... Are those stars the burning gas I smell?
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I come to in the hospital. I have a bandage around my head, and it hurts to breathe. They told me I probably lost some memories for good, and sure enough, I can't remember anything after that explosion.
On the second day, I receive some flowers and a card. The card says: "Sorry we had to split, but we had to make the Kessel Run. Feel better." It's signed, "Han and Chewie."
That's a relief. But I'm worried about the rumors going around the hospital that a man in black, breathing heavy and smeling of propane, broke in and escaped with stolen organs and robotic parts...
THE END?
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