Coming Soon

New movies 1/16 -- mall cops, dog hotels, sex & violence in 3-D

1. My Bloody Valentine 3-D -- Watch the trailer. If you see this opening night, you'll probably overhear a discussion that goes something like this:

SON: Wow Dad, I've never experienced so much sex and violence before!

FATHER: Now, Son--you know you're just watching a moving picture and not actually participating in sex and violence, don't you?

SON: What do you mean? The sex and violence has to be real, it's in 3-D!

FATHER: Plenty of sex and violence is in 3-D, Son, but that doesn't mean you are doing it.

SON: (Smacks forehead) I'm so silly. I'm glad you're my Dad, Dad. Want some popcorn? (He holds out popcorn, which then falls to the floor) ...Dad?

(The father is just a character in My Bloody Valentine 3-D. And so are you.)

2. Notorious -- Watch the trailer. Word is, the talent on-screen is better than the talent behind the camera. Critics are saying the newcomer Jamal Woolard really impresses as Notorious B.I.G. 

3. Defiance -- Watch the trailer. Finally opening wide! Some critics are saying it's a letdown, but I'm still looking forward to it. I always enjoy watching Daniel Craig, and it looks like an important story to tell.

4. Paul Blart: Mall Cop -- Watch the trailer. When power-made Santa's little helpers take over a mall, a rent-a-cop (Kevin James) is the last, best hope of freeing the hostages.

It reminds me of Die Hard meets Home Alone. I don't know, it could grow old fast or be really, really funny.

5. Hotel for Dogs -- Watch the trailer. When orphaned teenagers aren't allowed to take in a stray dog because their aunt (Lisa Kudrow) is allergic, they transform a nearby abandoned house into a canine sanctuary.

Hmm... I don't know about this one. I like dogs, but I typically don't watch live action movies about human beings. What do you think about this one?

6. Chandni Chowk to China (limited release) -- Watch the trailer. Arguably the most Indian film of the week, this film is actually from India. But in all seriousness, this Bollywood/kung-fu flick sounds interesting.

When Chinese villagers mistake a traveling Indian cook as the reincarnation of an ancient peasant hero, the cook decides to help protect the village from a dangerous smuggler.

new DVDs - MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981) re-release, plus new stuff

New to DVD Tuesday, 1/12

1. My Bloody Valentine (1981) -- The Canadian slasher film gets re-released in time to whet our appetities for the 3D remake, which is released this Friday. I haven't seen this, and though I'm not a big fan of horror it does sound interesting.

The mining town of Valentine Bluffs hasn't had a Valentines dance in many years. Twenty years ago, the lone survivor of a mining accident avenged his coworkers' deaths by removing the hearts of his bosses, and he promised to do the same again if the town ever holds another Valentines dance. Well, since the killer's been safely locked up in an insane asylum, the teens of Valentine Bluffs decide to throw a dance. Big mistake. Watch the opening scene.

2. Appaloosa -- Watch the trailer. FYI, we're giving away a couple of copies of this one in Filmgaming.

3. Something for history buffs: Criterion collection has released a trilogy of Roberto Rossellini's history films on the Renaissance and Enlightenment: Blaise Pascal (1971), Age of Englightenment (1973), Cartesius (1973).

4. My Best Friend's Girl -- Watch the trailer. I can't quite remember the plot hook, but I think every time a girl sleeps with Dane Cook an angel gets his wings.

5. Superhero Movie -- Watch the trailer. And if you're a masochist, watch the movie.

Re:new DVDs - MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981) re-release, plus new stuff

UUUUUUUUH, did you look at the picture you just posted?????

Re:new DVDs - MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981) re-release, plus new stuff

Risselada:

UUUUUUUUH, did you look at the picture you just posted?????

Yeah, Ummmm, what just happened? Where the &%*$ did that picture come from? I think someone was cruising for porn while they were suppose to be doing work on Spout.

DID YOU KNOW that...

UPDATE: Did you know you can embed a movie poster and when it's saved it turns into a picture of anal sex? Well, you can.

And here's the REAL poster for My Bloody Valentine.

Re:DID YOU KNOW that...

spout:

UPDATE: Did you know you can embed a movie poster and when it's saved it turns into a picture of anal sex? Well, you can.

And here's the REAL poster for My Bloody Valentine.

It still didn't work.  See?  People don't like you stealing their content!

Re:DID YOU KNOW that...

Risselada:

It still didn't work.  See?  People don't like you stealing their content!

This is increasingly absurd. How about this one? 

I've triple-checked it now, so hopefully it won't turn into something like monkeys doing some heavy petting.

Re:New movies 1/16 -- mall cops, dog hotels, sex & violence in 3-D

spout:

 

5. Hotel for Dogs -- Watch the trailer. When orphaned teenagers aren't allowed to take in a stray dog because their aunt (Lisa Kudrow) is allergic, they transform a nearby abandoned house into a canine sanctuary.

Hmm... I don't know about this one. I like dogs, but I typically don't watch live action movies about human beings. What do you think about this one?

Are you just checking to see if people are actually reading this?

You should really try to check out some of those live action human being movies.  There are a few good ones out there.

Re:New movies 1/16 -- mall cops, dog hotels, sex & violence in 3-D

Risselada:

You should really try to check out some of those live action human being movies.  There are a few good ones out there.

Really? Where you think I should start?

lol

I was wondering if anyone would catch that joke. Sometimes I hide lil' laugh-ers like Easter eggs.

Re:new DVDs - MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981) re-release, plus new stuff

My Bloody Valentine 3-D was not fun. It was not funny. It was not thrilling. It was not good.

Kevin and I will probably discuss it on FilmCouch this Friday. At least until then, I recommend you spend your time and money on something else.