divinemsjunebug
Posts 550
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7/8/2007 1:42 AM
posted awhile ago
Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
So without further delay, here are the Ten WORST Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
10) Don’t EVER set zombies on fire. Burning zombies smell terrible.
zombies-dont-burn-them
We’re not sure why you see it in every zombie movie, but it stands to reason that the only thing worse than a zombie is a flaming zombie. Remember, it can take a long time for a zombie to burn to death - more than ten minutes, in some recorded cases. Do you really want a burning zombie lighting you and your friends on fire? Play it safe - chances are good that there won’t be any fire-fighting infrastructure during a zombie outbreak if things get out of hand.
9) Don’t get sentimental. Zombies won’t.
zombies-dont-get-sentimental
Sure, it’s your house. Sure, they were your family and friends. But now it’s a zombie nest, and they’re zombies. Stick around, and your best chance is to become zombie food - worst case, you’ll end up a zombie like the rest. Zombies don’t have any feelings - neither should you.
8) Don’t forget to shut the door behind you. Zombies often arrive without calling first.
zombies-lock-the-door
Were you born in a barn? Zombies might not be the brightest, but they know an open door when they see one. Keep your suburban zombie fortress secure by remembering to close and lock the door behind you. And don’t slam it either! Zombies hate that.
7) Don’t keep zombies in the basement. Even if they are your zombie family.
zombies-not-in-the-basement
Devotion to family and friends is touching. However, you don’t want them to be touching you, after they’re dead. Do yourself a favor and make sure you put zombie friends and family down properly. Remember, there is no zombie cure, and keeping them around only prolongs their suffering and increases the risk for everyone. Besides, do you really want to get eaten by your buddies?
6) Don’t try to reunite with friends / family over long distances.
zombies-dont-try-to-travel
Seems like a great idea, doesn’t it? That’s what everyone thinks. Look, do the math. If you leave your house at noon, heading toward your mum’s, traveling 3 km per hour, and a crowd of zombies leaves the general vicinity of your mum’s at the same time, heading toward you at 1 km per hour, what time will you get eaten by zombies? Skip the math and consult rule #9.
5) Don’t go down. Zombies can go down too.
zombies-dont-go-down
Zombies can’t climb. You can. In light of this, why would you ever choose to go down, rather than up? Stay out of basements, gullies, sewers, and anyplace else that zombies might unwittingly wander / fall into and be unable to get out of. Remember, it’s unlikely that a human would be in a sewer, but zombies don’t care a whit about the smell.
4) Don’t broadcast your presence. Zombies may be listening.
zombies-dont-broadcast-yourself
Zombies that still retain their ears have been statistically shown to have above-average recognition of bassline frequencies. If you absolutely must blast music while killing zombies, do it on your Ipod, and you might want to consider delaying that block party until after the zombie outbreak blows over. During a zombie outbreak, remember to turn your cell phone to vibrate - it’s only polite.
3) Don’t stand in front of the window. That’s just foolish.
zombies-avoid-the-window
You’d think this one didn’t require stating, but apparently it does. Windows are an aesthetic defense against the environment, not protection against zombies and the living dead. Once you find your fortress, barricade the windows as quickly as possible and stay the hell away from them. Whatever you do, don’t deliver speeches with your back to them.
2) Don’t get too creative with zombie defense.
zombies-dont-get-creative
Sure, chainsaw slits in your van seemed like a good idea at the time, before you filled your car with fumes and exhaust, passed out at the wheel and got yourself sawed in half. The temptation to get very creative with zombie dispatching can seem almost unbearable at times, but when it comes to killing zombies, that old adage applies: Keep it simple, stupid!
1) Don’t be “that one *******,” in your group.
zombies-that-one-*******-01
Textual analysis of zombie movies has proven that “that one *******,” a character ubiquitous in zombie and survival horror movies, only stands a 4.32% chance of surviving until the end of the movie.
Later studies have challenged that figure, citing several movies in which “that one arrogant @-hole” was one-upped by “the other, bigger *******,” who then assumed “that one @-holee” status.
What do these figures mean? Being nice matters. To dramatically increase your chances of survival, make sure you always have “that one @-hole” traveling in your party with you, otherwise you might end up playing the role of “that weak douchebag,” a similarly ill-fated character.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you believe you are already “that one *******,” you should immediately leave your group. You might be able to pass as “that Kevin Costner anti-hero” if you’re traveling solo.
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FroggyBaBe15876
Posts 158
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7/8/2007 1:37 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
That is AWESOME, Ms. June. I think I will have to make a note of all these tips for when the immediate apocolypse rolls around, which, by the way, seems to want to happen very very soon. I also wanted to throw in the fact that, as we have seen from Return of the Living Dead, burning zombies causes many more problems than just flaming undead lighting you and your chums aflame. It also causes acid rain that HURTS, for one, and, for two, reanminates those pricks already pushing up daisies. You wouldn't think a zombie would have such an effect on the environment, but apparently they do. Funny how that works...
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indieabby88
Posts 267
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7/8/2007 4:48 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
Check out this link: http://www.threadless.com/product/632/In_Case_Of_Zombies
I think you all would really dig this. In fact, if you look at the gallery photos, there's a picture of me wearing the shirt! I'm number three of the four displayed pictures ( the poorly-lit one with the frizzy-haired chick with glasses).
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divinemsjunebug
Posts 550
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7/8/2007 7:07 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
Hey Abby, how fun!! I am going to have to get one of those shirts, it's so original. Thanks for sharing that site!!
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indieabby88
Posts 267
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7/8/2007 10:47 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
Glad you liked it!
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Dr_Gor
Posts 901
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7/9/2007 8:34 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
I would survive... at least until cancer from smoking or cirrhosis of the liver (or however you spell it) got me...
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Dr_Gor
Posts 901
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7/9/2007 8:46 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
No 'bunch of dead guys' , no matter HOW many, are going to eat my brain without a fight... AND, knowing me like I do, I think I might even WIN! You guys can read whatever you want into this... and I'm sure you will... but the fact is I am pretty secure in my knowledge of my own abilities... bottom line is this ; IN a worst-case-scenario-ZOMBIE-outbreak-apocalypse, I think I would have a better than average chance of surviving ... But then, I AM Dr. Gor...
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Risselada
Posts 1362
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7/10/2007 11:10 AM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
Do you think you could really fool a zombie, as they have done in some movies, by trying to pretend you are already one as well?
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FroggyBaBe15876
Posts 158
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7/10/2007 8:11 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
 Dr_Gor: No 'bunch of dead guys' , no matter HOW many, are going to eat my brain without a fight... AND, knowing me like I do, I think I might even WIN! You guys can read whatever you want into this... and I'm sure you will... but the fact is I am pretty secure in my knowledge of my own abilities... bottom line is this ; IN a worst-case-scenario-ZOMBIE-outbreak-apocalypse, I think I would have a better than average chance of surviving ... But then, I AM Dr. Gor...
Yeah. I think you're right. I also think that we discussed in an earlier post (I'm not sure which one) that you and June and I would head out together and battle the undead in the event of such a Zombie Apocolypse. So, I think she and I would do pretty well also...under YOUR care, of course...
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indieabby88
Posts 267
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7/10/2007 9:16 PM
posted awhile ago
Re: Ten Worst Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak
Risselada: Do you think you could really fool a zombie, as they have done in some movies, by trying to pretend you are already one as well?
Depends on how smart the zombies are. If we're talking "Shaun of the Dead" zombies, then sure, but if it's "Land of the Dead" forget about it. Those guys were pretty dang intelligent for being undead. In most cases, you could probably pull it off with some acting chops and a little fake blood (if available). You'd have to look dirty or it wouldn't fly at all.
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