Recasting couch

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Risselada — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:16:21 GMT

Dr_Gor:

csprague:

seely:

I had to vote for Hans Solo... he may not have the Dark Side, but he's a badass!

whateves, he's totally helpless against Vadar.

This whole thing is SO wrong on so many levels. You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm with you here Gor. If it's a bar brawl I don't think a screen writer for either series would possibly consider any victor other than Kirk. At least you and I know it in our hearts.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Dr_Gor — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 01:12:35 GMT

csprague:

seely:

I had to vote for Hans Solo... he may not have the Dark Side, but he's a badass!

whateves, he's totally helpless against Vadar.

This whole thing is SO wrong on so many levels. You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

I like your new picture, Christi... ;)

< GOR >

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

csprague — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 20:42:03 GMT

seely:

I had to vote for Hans Solo... he may not have the Dark Side, but he's a badass!

whateves, he's totally helpless against Vadar.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

seely — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:26:36 GMT

I had to vote for Hans Solo... he may not have the Dark Side, but he's a badass!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

pippin06 — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 04:37:28 GMT

rjsprague:

Solo MUST WIN! We can't let the bad guys win in the end! OMG!!!!! =)

I hear the sounds of machine-induced breathing...

...besides, Vader's only mostly bad. There is still good in him...even if he's more machine now than man, twisted and evil. Plus, there was that whole carbonite incident. Someone else called it...Vader's unstoppable...

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

rjsprague — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 01:45:18 GMT

Solo MUST WIN! We can't let the bad guys win in the end! OMG!!!!! =)

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

pippin06 — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Risselada:

ATTACK SOLO!

|___---> You can attack, but it wouldn't be a fair fight on his part.

I'm still favoring the Star Wars camp, thus confirming which scifi side I'm probably most loyal to, though I still have much love for the Trek side of things.

Vader vs. Locutus - See, as gruesome as Picard's bifurcated corpse amazingly morphing into his Locutus-y self might make him, Picard was still plagued by that inner spark of humanity as Locutus. Plus, he was more "you will be assimilated" than any sort of smack-down type Borg. And Vader is, well, Vader. Landslide: Vader.

Chewy vs. Genesis Spock - Are you crazy? Spock is more pinch-prone in this mode, but Chewy would take down the addled Spock quite well (or are we talking Star Trek V Spock and beyond...?). To me, the picture looks more IV. Landslide: Chewy.

Solo v. Kirk - What is this? An even worse version of Star Trek: Generations? As impassioned as some Spouters might be, Kirk deserved defeat. And wormholes don't reincarnate any better than mysterious pink electrical fields. Han Solo is infinitely cooler, and as one of the only females of this bunch, I must say, I find him much more attractive on every level. It's the bad boy thing. Landslide: Han.

Luke v. Nero - Again, the Force trumps all, especially since Nero is a pansy. All Romulans are. Landslide: Luke.

As for my vote for our narrator, I'll plead the fifth until I see how the results shake out :-D. But my thanks to you for inspiring me to take off the mask and expose my inner nerd. Sigh.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Risselada — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:06:43 GMT

ATTACK SOLO!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

rjsprague — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:39:42 GMT

While I am all for performing a little cpr on 7 of 9 I really think you should beat the shit out of that moron Kirk. Preferably by performing a feat of strength and throwing the jukebox at him or something. (How did that idiot survive? And Luke too! gah!)

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Golbez57 — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 22:47:50 GMT

If you don't take out Vader, I fear he's invincible.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Dr_Gor — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 01:01:58 GMT

Dr_Gor:

If anybody other than James T. Kirk wins this thing it is a total sham. There is no contest.

< GOR >

This is just wrong. Kirk has NEVER lost a fight in his entire life and you guys think that Luke Skywalker could take him out? That is just so wrong on so many levels. Kirk has either battled or shtoinked every alien he has ever come in contact with and he ALWAYS won. As a cadet in Starfleet Academy he snuck in at night and reprogramed the computers to allow him to WIN the "Kobioshi Maru" ... an "un-winnable" situation.

Kirk has fought MANY badasses hand to hand ( including SPOCK! ) and he has NEVER lost! And you guys think that Luke Skywalker is going to kick his ass? That is just SO wrong.

The fight I would REALLY like to see would be Kirk vs. Charleton Heston... I think that would be a draw...

The other (unrelated to sci-fi) fight I would like to see would be John Wayne vs. Clint Eastwood. The Duke would win that one easy but it would sure be fun to watch...

< GOR >

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

csprague — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:08:53 GMT

seely:

Just proving that Star Trek is the awesomest, here is Robot Chicken's operatic rendition of the Wrath of Khan.

Spock's ears are huge!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

seely — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:44:33 GMT

Just proving that Star Trek is the awesomest, here is Robot Chicken's operatic rendition of the Wrath of Khan.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

seely — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:14:05 GMT

romancelover24:

You don't see Han playing chess you seen him kicking ass. Oh yeah star trek has som wacked out characters.

Spock could kick ass when he wanted to--and he was a heck of a lot smarter than Han Solo! And whacked out characters? I don't know, I think its a least a tie between the two. StarWars has some pretty weird creatures...

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

seely — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:11:10 GMT

SkyPilot:

SciFiPulse:

I'd say Seven of Mine is marginally badder than Princess Leah.

SciFiPulse, is that a Freudian slip? I wouldn't blame you--I kind of wish Seven of Nine would be "mine," too...

Unrelated note, LUKE SKYWALKER IS BEATING JAMES KIRK! This cannot/would not happen!

I would personally like to thank you Adam for reminding me how hot Seven of Nine is. Wow. I had completely forgotten...

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

pippin06 — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:31:40 GMT

Risselada:

pippin06:

And as much as I love Spock and his calm collectedness, as SkyPilot noted above, Han would have his blaster out before Spock could say "live long and prosper." Landslide: Han.

Somehow I feel like Han could give Spock some even better banter back than Bones! But I still think Spock could take him out in a bar brawl.

Hm....we shall see. Han shooting Gredo first (it happened, darn it) comes to mind...Han fights dirty is all I'm saying...

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

romancelover24 — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 00:04:35 GMT

Star Wars will win, because we have chewbacca and and the Handsome Han Solo. And what does star trek have??? They have spock some guy that liked playing chess. You don't see Han playing chess you seen him kicking ass. Oh yeah star trek has som wacked out characters.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Risselada — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:20:46 GMT

pippin06:

And as much as I love Spock and his calm collectedness, as SkyPilot noted above, Han would have his blaster out before Spock could say "live long and prosper." Landslide: Han.

Somehow I feel like Han could give Spock some even better banter back than Bones! But I still think Spock could take him out in a bar brawl.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

pippin06 — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:46:52 GMT

Gee, once we hit Round 2, I found myself overwhelmingly siding with Star Wars, 100%. Here's my thoughts:

Darth Vader is still badder ass than anyone else on this ticket. He's evil with that sensitive good side thing lurking underneath and would outmatch Picard's refined Englishmen pretends he's French routine. As much as I love to hear Jean Luc say, "Make it so" and "Engage," Vader's got James Earl Jones' deep baritone behind him. Edge: Vader.

Chewbacca and Worf would be a worthy fight, but any TNG fan knows that Worf's Klingon sensibilities are compromised by being raised by humans. Plus, he's only really cool with the batleth thing. Chewy's all animal and can use his his weapons and his hands to tear a guy's head off. Edge: Chewy.

I voted for Luke over Seven. True, Seven's all emotionless human on the outside, Borg on the inside, and tough as nails, but Luke can freakin' use the Force. And when Seven gets all dewy over whether she's still Borg or not, Luke will have to control "much anger in him" as he uses the Force to throw her against the wall. Please remember that the picture is of Empire Luke and not New Hope Luke, when he's whining about going into Tashii station. Edge: Luke.

And as much as I love Spock and his calm collectedness, as SkyPilot noted above, Han would have his blaster out before Spock could say "live long and prosper." Landslide: Han.

Garsh, I'm such a nerd :-)

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Dr_Gor — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:39:16 GMT

If anybody other than James T. Kirk wins this thing it is a total sham. There is no contest.

< GOR >

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

Golbez57 — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:57:39 GMT

I'll admit to having spent much more time enjoying "Star Wars" than "Star Trek." However, there are characters from "Trek" that I find much more interesting and solid, so... they get my vote.

Cool game!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

SkyPilot — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:01:42 GMT

SciFiPulse:

I'd say Seven of Mine is marginally badder than Princess Leah.

SciFiPulse, is that a Freudian slip? I wouldn't blame you--I kind of wish Seven of Nine would be "mine," too...

Unrelated note, LUKE SKYWALKER IS BEATING JAMES KIRK! This cannot/would not happen!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

dibot — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 19:56:38 GMT

I surprised myself here. I really thought, before I started voting, that I'd be all Star Wars all the way.

And then I started thinking about the fights and found myself voting Trek more often than not. Weird.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

seely — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 19:27:33 GMT

Kirk vs. Skywalker was the toughest choice for me. Both are hormonally driven guys, but ultimately I had to give it to Kirk for being the older and more experienced leader. Old man strength FTW!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

mciocco — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:37:56 GMT

But we're talking about a barroom brawl here, not a pitched battle in space or on open ground. Mostly hand to hand combat in close quarters. Ok, so I can maybe see Picard giving Boba Fett a run for his money. I still think Fett would win, but I can at least understand the inclination. But Spock over Darth Maul? No way! There are a couple other Trekkies who could take their opponent on the list, but the only real sure thing in my mind is that Worf would annihilate Lando.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

SciFiPulse — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:25:40 GMT

To be honest. I was torn between the Star Wars characters and the Star Trek ones. For example I'd rate Khan as badder than Chewbacca. Whereas I'd say Seven of Mine is marginally badder than Princess Leah.

So on some characters its a pretty close call.

That said. Am only really a fan of the first three Star Wars movies. The prequel trilogy just didn't do it for me.

pippin06:

I was decidedly even. It's hard for me to decide! I like both.

But I agree with Rizzo - Han Solo should not lose to Chang. That would be appalling. (I don't think he's any danger).

And while we're on the subject, the Borg Queen is badass, but Vader is badder ass. Ok?

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

pippin06 — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:00:49 GMT

I was decidedly even. It's hard for me to decide! I like both.

But I agree with Rizzo - Han Solo should not lose to Chang. That would be appalling. (I don't think he's any danger).

And while we're on the subject, the Borg Queen is badass, but Vader is badder ass. Ok?

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

Risselada — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 06:36:12 GMT

Ha! I have no idea who General Chang is but he is having his ass handed to him. I don't think Han Solo should lose to anyone in any of these polls. I found that my votes corresponded to the majority right until the end. I'm sorry Chewbacca is cool, but Khan is just viscious! Khan would win for sure I'd expect.

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

rjsprague — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 04:12:04 GMT

mciocco:

I think Star Wars is going to come out on top here. Star Wars is much more of an Action/Adventure series, which puts the more intellectual Star Trek at a disadvantage. I mean, the humans in Star Trek are all enlightened and diplomatic and stuff. Badassery displayed by a Trek character usually comes in the form of a gutsy strategic or diplomatic maneuver. Pitting such characters in a one on one fight with folks who are known for their physical badassery is generally a losing battle.

I think you're in for a bit of a surprise.

Go Picard!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

SkyPilot — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 02:24:27 GMT

mciocco:

I think Star Wars is going to come out on top here. Star Wars is much more of an Action/Adventure series, which puts the more intellectual Star Trek at a disadvantage. I mean, the humans in Star Trek are all enlightened and diplomatic and stuff. Badassery displayed by a Trek character usually comes in the form of a gutsy strategic or diplomatic maneuver. Pitting such characters in a one on one fight with folks who are known for their physical badassery is generally a losing battle.

Great points man, but I can tell you that from where I'm hiding--underneath a table, trying to avoid phaser beams and flying glass bottles--it looks like the Trek characters are rockin' their strategic badassery for all it's worth. The Trekkies are bringing it!

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

tadiv — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:41:00 GMT

Well -- that was a fun vote! I think that I am firmly on the fence.

Tom

Re:STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Barroom Brawl

mciocco — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:53:48 GMT

I think Star Wars is going to come out on top here. Star Wars is much more of an Action/Adventure series, which puts the more intellectual Star Trek at a disadvantage. I mean, the humans in Star Trek are all enlightened and diplomatic and stuff. Badassery displayed by a Trek character usually comes in the form of a gutsy strategic or diplomatic maneuver. Pitting such characters in a one on one fight with folks who are known for their physical badassery is generally a losing battle.

STAR WARS vs STAR TREK: The Interactive Barroom Brawl

SkyPilot — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:49:41 GMT

SEE THE FINAL RESULTS IN ROUND FIVE BELOW: DARTH VADER vs HAN SOLO

And by the way, you can still vote in all of the rounds. Did any of the fights go down wrong? Make your voice heard!

ROUND ONE

I'll be hiding underneath a table with my laptop, to report on the carnage as it goes down.

How did this fight get started, anyway?

So I'm hanging out in the Mos Eisley Cantina when this Fanboys trailer comes on TV. Boba Fett leans over to me and says, "I hear those Star Wars boys tangled with a gang of Trekkies, and cleaned their clocks. The Trekkie scum deserved it, too."

Then all of a sudden, a dude in a yellow jumpsuit smashes his beer glass on Luke Skywalker's head, and all hell breaks loose!

____________________________________________________________

ROUND TWO

ADVANCE TO ROUND FOUR TO VOTE FOR SURVIVORS

Round One Lowdown: Blood is Spilled

DARTH MAUL vs SPOCK
Maul closes in on the Vulcan inch by inch, flailing his double-bladed lightsaber all about him, an advancing wall of red destruction. Spock remains calm...picks up a can of PBR...memorizes the rhythm of the whirling red lights before him...and chucks the can! BAM! Maul loses his grip on the lighsaber and cuts himself in half!

LANDO CALRISSIAN vs WORF
Lando throws two gallant uppercuts--a left and a right--but Worf stops both by grasping Lando's forearms and holding on tight. Then Worf smacks Lando's hands into the guy's face again and again, saying "Why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself..."

CHEWBACCA vs KHAN
Clawing, biting, ripping, roaring--this is like watching a wrestling match between grizzlies on steroids. Even after Chewie yanks Khan's arms from his sockets, Khan keeps on tearing at Chewie with his teeth. Using Khan's arms as clubs, Chewie finally batters him into submission.

HAN SOLO vs GENERAL CHANG
General Chang tries to intimidate Solo, flourishing his bat'leth and shouting esoteric Shakespeare quotes. Solo's not impressed. He draws his blaster, and it's over.

DARTH VADER vs THE BORG QUEEN
The Borg Queen's hive mind helps her stay one step ahead of Vader's lightsaber, so Vader starts using the Force, pelting her with spare change, peanut shells, and pickled eggs. The Borg Queen is advancing through this trash hurricane when suddenly Vader hits her with all the liquor bottles from behind the bar. (There must have been, like, 99 bottles on that wall!) Ding dong, the Queen is dead.

BOBA FETT vs JEAN-LUC PICARD
Fett is overconfident; little does he know that Picard boasts a varsity letter from the Star Fleet Academy wrestling team. Fett suddenly finds himself on the receiving end of a suplex, then a helmet-splitting piledriver! The bounty hunter does not get up.

PRINCESS LEIA vs SEVEN OF NINE
Ooh, this was a close one. Leia fought hard and dirty (I winced when she kicked Seven of Nine in the crotch), but Seven of Nine's almost inhuman endurance won her the match.

LUKE SKYWALKER vs JAMES T. KIRK
This is the longest match of Round 1 because they keep calling "Time out" to watch the girls fight. At one point Kirk nods over at Leia and says, "That philly has her phaser set to stunning." Luke, suddenly affronted, yells "That's my sister!" and rabbit punches the Captain in the back of his head.

Yeah, I think it's kind of cheap, too. Kirk might have been a lech, but you can't deny that he had style.

__________________________________________________________

ROUND THREE

Go to Round Five to vote for a finalist!

Round Two Lowdown: This sh!t just got real.

CHEWBACCA vs WORF
As if they rehearsed this a hundred times, Chewie and Worf punch each other in perfect unison, go stiff as boards, and fall in opposite directions. Chewie hits the floor and Worf hits the jukebox. As “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John splutters to a start, Worf yells, “Blech, human music!” He punches the jukebox, and it switches to “Cat Scratch Fever.” Worf says, “Well, that’s not so ba--” Chewie hits him with a chair, then pounds the dazed Klingon into submission.

VADER vs PICARD
Picard grabs a seltzer bottle from the bar and blasts the liquid into Vader’s chest. Vader’s computerized armor sizzles and pops, then as his body erupts with blue electricity, he screams in pain and falls to one knee. Picard grabs Vader's lightsaber and raises it for the killing stroke, while Darth moves his hand in what looks like a pantomime of scooping ice cream. Suddenly the lightsaber that Picard’s holding swoops in a scooping arc, carving his head from his torso.

PICARD BECOMES LOCUTUS OF BORG
Vader is doubled over in pain, so he doesn’t see the mechanical body of The Borg Queen slip off the Queen’s flesh. The body creeps to Picard’s bifurcated corpse like a hungry spider, and melds to Picard’s head. As this new monstrosity stands up, I’m so freaked out by the look in its eyes that I yell to Darth, “Look out behind you!”

LUKE SKYWALKER vs SEVEN OF NINE
Seven of Nine does this amazing cartwheel that ends up with her clenching Luke’s neck between her legs. Luke’s face is turning blue when he taps into some deep reserve of strength, punching Seven of Nine repeatedly in the kidneys. Once she lets him go, Luke has his groove back and he wins easily.

HAN SOLO vs SPOCK
Han breaks a pool cue over a table and thwacks the half-Vulcan in the temple. Spock reels from the pain, but he rights himself quickly and smashes a bottle of Jack Daniels against a pool table. Han and Spock circle one another around the pool table, slashing cautiously with their weapons, when suddenly a great blue light shines in through the entrance.

THE WORMHOLE
The light is followed by a deafening blast and a gale-force vacuum. Loose objects fly out the door, and as I grasp a bolted-down table for dear life, above me fly the corpses of Kirk and of Spock, who has a pool cue stuck through his neck. Then, as suddenly as the light and wind began, it stops. Everyone still alive looks to the door, our mouths agape.

NERO THE VULCAN
There’s a super-badass-looking Vulcan who says, “I’m Nero. I’m from the future. And I challenge…[he points his spear at Luke] YOU!”

THE REGENERATION OF SPOCK
Spock is standing next to Nero, sporting a Van Dyke beard and wearing a luxuriant purple bathrobe. Han Solo yells, “Didn’t I just kill you?” This Spock says, “I’ve been regenerated by the Genesis Project.”

THE RESURRECTION OF KIRK
"But," Spock continues, "I don't understand how you come back, Captain." Kirk says, "What do you mean, I fell into a wormhole and came back out again--what's not to understand?" As Kirk slips some brass knuckles onto his hand, the opening notes of Motorhead's "The Ace of Spades" blast from the jukebox, and everyone gets down to their bloody business.

I'm starting to wonder if I can make it out of here alive...

_____________________________________________________

ROUND FOUR -- Go on a little further!

Round Three Lowdown: Bloodlust

HAN SOLO vs JAMES T. KIRK
Kirk bull-rushed Solo into a corner, hoping to trap him. Kirk grabbed Solo by the collar and wound up for a vicious punch--this would be a showstopper, with his brass knuckles on--when Solo plucked a dart off the wall and lobbed it at the Captain's forehead. And it stuck! As the Captain stumbled around, trying to pull the dart out, Solo threw a triangle around the Captain's head and yelled "Rack 'em!" Then he hoisted a pool cue, yelled "Break!" and thwacked the Captain so hard the Next Generation will feel it.

VADER VS LOCUTUS OF BORG
Locutus reached for the seltzer bottle that had helped him earlier, but Vader sent it skittering across the floor. Locutus, scared now, grabbed an 8-ball and chucked it at Vader's head--but Vader made it stop mid-air, reverse directions, and smack Locutus in the nose. Then Vader finished him in a way that made sure the Borg wouldn't come back again.

CHEWBACCA vs REGENERATED SPOCK
Spock flew at Chewbacca, a flurry of bony knees, elbows and karate chops. More than a few connected, but that just made Chewie madder. He grabbed Spock by the ankles and starting smacking him against the walls, floor, and ceiling. No, it wasn't easy to watch.

LUKE SKYWALKER vs NERO THE ROMULAN
For all of Nero's bravado, he went down pretty easy. Luke made sure Nero was in more pieces than when he started the fight.

I give CPR to SEVEN OF NINE
After a couple of lengthy rounds of CPR, Seven of Nine finally comes to. I thank God for how lucky I am, if you know what I mean, when suddenly I get hit with a spray of blood...

LUKE HAS LOST IT
It's Nero's blood. Luke is still slashing at Nero's body. "Luke," I yell, "why are you doing that?" When Luke looks up at me, something has changed in his face. Vader says, "Yes son, now you know what it's like to embrace the power of your anger... Kill them...kill them all!" In a flash, Luke's beheaded Seven of Nine (dang it!) and he's going to kill me, when Solo hits him with a chair.

"Kid, you've lost it!" Solo yells. As Chewie roars at Vader, "Welcome to the Jungle" blasts from the jukebox, and the carnage continues.

__________________________________________________________

ROUND FIVE

Round Four Lowdown: Spill your guts.

LUKE SKYWALKER vs HAN SOLO
"Kid, wake up!" Han yells. "Your dad has you under some kind of...voodoo curse, or something!" "No," Luke says, "he doesn't. I've just finally come to my senses."

Meanwhile...

DARTH VADER vs CHEWBACCA
Chewbacca grasps the marble bar top, and with a roar that would loosen the bowels of any Sith Lord, he snaps a four-foot long slab off the bar. Chewie hits Vader squarely on the top of the head, and CRUNCH--Vader's feet plunge through the floorboards. Chewie hits him again--CRUNCH--Vader sinks down to his knees. CRUNCH! Chewie's driving him into the ground like a big, iron railroad spike! With a fourth, punishing hit, Vader's helmet shatters like an eggshell...

LUKE vs HAN
"Last chance, kid," Han says, hoisting a bottle of vodka. Luke winds up for another swing, so Han chucks it, hard...

And SMASH! Luke cuts it out of the air. No glass hits him, just vodka. "Did you really think that would stop me, Han?" "No," Han says, "I thought this would"--and he throws an open lighter. Skywalker bursts into flames, and Han blasts the guy out of his misery.

DARTH vs CHEWIE
Vader, dazed but aware his son is in danger, yells "Nooooooo!" and throws his lightsaber, swirling, across the room. It's too late to save Luke, but its tip glances across Chewie's gut and keeps flying, slicing off Han's gun hand.

Chewie is incapacitated, holding his guts in place. Vader levitates out of the hole and pulls his lightsaber toward him.

"You will pay, Han Solo," he says. "Or should I call you... Solo Hand?"

________________________________________________

FINAL BATTLE: DARTH VADER vs HAN SOLO
In a flash, Han wraps a tourniquet on his wrist. "Don't worry," I yell to him, "I think the hand can be sewn on afterwards!" That's when Vader uses the force to pick up the severed hand, drop it in the bar sink, and switch on the garbage disposal.

Han bellows like a wookie and grabs Luke's lightsaber. Their sabers clash, showering sparks over the wrecked room. Pools of alcohol catch fire, casting the duellists in a hellish blue light. Han swings hard and fast, but Vader's ready for every slash and thrust. Vader delivers a nasty kick to Han's gut, and Han falls backwards, prone.

Vader's standing over Han with his saber point at the pilot's throat. "This is the end, Solo," Vader says, and raises his lightsaber for the coup de grace. Suddenly, there's a stirring from the behind the bar--Chewie pops up and throws a big white thing at Vader, and Vader, not even looking, twists his lightsaber behind his back to block--to block the flying propane tank!--and BOOOOOOOM!

I see stars... Are those stars the burning gas I smell?

_______________________________________________

I come to in the hospital. I have a bandage around my head, and it hurts to breathe. They told me I probably lost some memories for good, and sure enough, I can't remember anything after that explosion.

On the second day, I receive some flowers and a card. The card says: "Sorry we had to split, but we had to make the Kessel Run. Feel better." It's signed, "Han and Chewie."

That's a relief. But I'm worried about the rumors going around the hospital that a man in black, breathing heavy and smeling of propane, broke in and escaped with stolen organs and robotic parts...

THE END?