"You are weird. Thank God you're weird. The last one was so normal, it was disgusting."
I don't know why some Spout tools tagged The Fog with the words they did. This movie is plain and simple, a tale of bad weather. You know how some people say "man, this is bad weather"? You know? Well, that saying was derived from John Carpenter's little gem, The Fog. Some of you won't believe me and will Google fact-check me. Well, those some of you are morons. Hear me now and believe me later: this film first aired on the Weather Channel.
Ok, plot synopsis:
- Jamie Lee Curtis hitchhikes because a storm's a comin. (We think.) She's picked up by a strange, unattractive man who drives her through the night then bangs her like a screen door in a wind storm. (Cover your eyes, children, this review is for your parents.)
- Jamie's new beau gets a knock at the door. Probably a Jehovah's Witness or one of those obnoxious 10-year old girls selling cookies. We never get to see who it is because this fog is so damn thick.
- Pirates appear in 1979, board a fishing vessel, slay the crew, and disappear into the fog. (Yes -- this is the same movie.)
- Local radio show hostess with the mostess, Adrienne Barbeau flashes her breasts because it's so foggy and everyone knows that fog creates heat. Ok, Adrienne never does lift her shirt, but only because she was sleeping with John Carpenter during the filming. He was jealous of her fun bags even though every 14-80 year old male in America had seen them in other feature films.
- The fog moves around town but never brings any rain or noticable humidity. Sometimes fog is just annoying, like in The Fog. You're like, ok, rain? Good for my crops (what, you don't call your goods 'crops'?). And humidity is supposed to be good for some ailments, so that's not all bad, but it's not so good for allergies, so that's not all good.
- Jamie drives to town with her fornication buddy but they keep changing directions because it's so freakin foggy. According to the special features, the crew received kudos from Carpenter because they made the foggiest fog of any fog movie.
- Ahoy! Pirates land at Adrienne's house and kill the nanny. ARRRRGGHHH
- Janet Leigh of Psycho fame leads a candlelight vigil around town because the fog has knocked out the power. [p.s. I once waited 18 hours for the power company to get my lights back on because of fog... I hate fog.]
- A handful of townspeople who decide to boycott fog run to a church where they're met by the anarchist, atheist Pirates. Pirates win!
