Come on, with a tag line like that, how can you not applaud the effort? Plus, you don't often get a campy film from Wes Craven. Swamp Thing is one of my guilty pleasures.
Forget about the comic book on which this is based. That is high art compared to this, and I'm not interested in high art. I'm interested in a handsome scientist who wants to harness the aggressive power of animals and adapt it to plants. Why? Don't be a tool, you know you wish you thought of it first. Just like I wish I thought of the phrase "cleavangelically blessed" first.
Let me just take a moment to welcome any Everglades boat tour guides who may be reading this. The film is about 80 minutes long, and although it's catelogued as a horror film, exactly 34 minutes of Swamp Thing is footage of shrubbery, calm water, ivy, trees, and lilly pads. It beats all that crap on late night Travel Channel (except for Brook Burke re-runs).
Our hero is Dr. Holland. He's our hero because he's man enough to openly admit he loves flaura and fauna. And don't think too many of his kind had been outed back in 1982 -- Holland was a pioneer. And chicks dig guys who can gingerly prune. Holland attracts a pair of ridiculousyl large breasts and Adrienne Barbeau to the middle of nowhere. That's either incredible skill, or the magic of a Liger.
As you may have heard, Holland created a compound in his shack that looks like ordinary green goo you might find in your grandmother's bathroom, but it's really the vibrant, aggressive life force of earth's animal kingdom. It's really dangerous, so you probably shouldn't try developing any at home. Maybe at college... but only if your weekend meth lab thing doesn't pan out. I know it's dangerous, because Holland gets knocked to the ground with some potion by a rotten henchman and pssshht-- he turns half plant. Thus, Swamp Thing is born.
No movie filmed on the Bayou would be complete without a young black kid who operates the local gas station that's out of gas. Jude is that kid. He has some fairly memorable lines like when he's re-animated (sorry, spoiler), looks up at Swamp Thing and says "oh sht, there goes the neighborhood". Another show-stopper is "oh sht, here comes trouble". If you aren't won over by all of this, I saved a whopper for you. Swamp Thing features some midget-on-normal-person action! I know, I know, that alone is worth the price of admission. I was so inspired, I re-named my midget Little Bruno after the film's star.
So don't be turned off by those who call this movie a waste of time. The only way Wes Craven could have improved on this masterpiece would have been to add more cowbell.
Next up: Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death