The Protector. Where to begin... it is a well-documented scientific fact that children of the 80s like myself have daydreamed, nay, fantasized about a full-length action movie starring Steven "Snapping Forearms" Seagal, directed by Michael "Slo Mo" Bay, and scored by Hans Zimmer. Notable nod to Andre the Giant a secondary plus. Well, if you type all those requests into any online English-to-Thai language assistant, the output is the entire cast of The Protector. Go ahead, try it.
I still haven't seen Ong Bak: Thai Warrior, which I'm pretty sure is Thai for "I'll Be Back: Taiwanese Terminator". Tony Jaa is impressive. Anyone who's heard about him has heard he doesn't use special effects or wires. So what does he use? I'll tell you what -- Converse high tops. How nuts is that? Sure, Jackie Chan had some wild moves in his younger years, but he always wore Nike Airs or Reebok Pumps, and in the martial arts world, that's like wearing a Winger t-shirt to the set of MTV's Headbangers Ball.
Let me apologize now for not counting the number of broken wrists and ankles, but I think it's safe to say it's over 200 (that's a lot, for those of you educated in the Washington DC public school system).
The story is almost too unnerving to share, but in this day and age of tolerance and moral relativism, I will proceed. Jaa (who is called Cam in the subtitles and Kham in the special features) grew up with elephants. Great big, perfect elephants. His were the old ways, the right ways. (no, I'm not making this stuff up) Elephants give incredible power to anyone who keeps them -- think Indy's Lost Ark... in more ways than one. "They put your elephant on a truck!" "Truck? What truck?!" Anyway, the director shows us lots of touching moments from years ago. Mostly Jaa touching the elephant, but sometimes the elephant touching back. They walk together, sing together, bathe together. Then, as I suggested, Jaa's lil two-tusk wonder is stolen by some gangsters hell bent on transporting their prize to Australia. Australia, where it turns out, the national news is broadcast by a Taiwanese woman who requires overdubs, 50% of the population are Thai, and local authorities are still waiting for Bodie to come back in. It is interesting to note the population since the newscasts say the "police are searching for a Thai man with a red scarf." Obviously, they're thinking there can't be too many Thai guys running around, let alone wearing red scarves. Oh, and note to producers -- the scarf was checked, not red.
Where was I? The fights, right. Jaa slashes his way through just about every opponent. But there's this one badass, Johnny, who Jaa just can't get around. This kid isn't a badass like Cobra Kai Johnny who frankly just knows how to grimmace like a badass. Jaa's Johnny fights like Jaa with this crazy forward progress style where you run like a bull and jump into dudes that are standing around glass doors and windows. I love it. I tried it on my 50-year old Indian neighbor to prove it's better than Kung Fu, and now he's a believer. Jaa will dispose of 25 gang-bangers, then Johnny stops him dead in his tracks. This happens a few times, and it's really funny. Almost as funny as Johnny's Australian mates who appear to be overdubbed. The closest that Jaa gets to having the upper hand is when he clutches his pet's rope & bell in his hand and somehow channels an inner elephant-force that he lays on Johnny a few times. Still, it's not enough to conquer Johnny's elephantitis of the fists.
The most memorable part of the movie is when Jaa bursts into this huge, 5-story, circular room to find his true love (yes, the elephant). For 10 minutes Jaa fights his way to the top where he storms into a -- GASP -- Taiwanese restaurant!!! Not one of those Americanized Thai places that sells hushpuppies instead of real puppies, but the "we put anything on your plates" sort of Thai places. The irony is thick as Jaa walks around with a desparate face, somehow shocked that a civilization would serve such precious creatures with names on silver platters.
In the final showdown, we get a surprise treat. The villainess, who moments earlier proudly proclaimed to the media that "our family corporation now has a new power with the government and police working together" puts on a Catwoman suit and shows incredible skill with a whip. But that's not the treat -- the treat is 4 crazy bone-crushing giants who enter to metal music. Tangent: most viewers understand that a standard martial arts fight can be accompanied by hip hop, techno, or even some types of rock. But tall, UFC-type thrashers require metal, or its baby sister nu-metal for their fight themes. These guys kick Jaa's arse six ways to Sunday until two things happen: (1) Jaa closes his eyes and pictures what it would have been like for videogame characters to have battled centuries ago protecting their elephants, and realizes they would have used some weapons, or maybe some household objects that could double as weapons; and (2) Jaa finds some elephant thigh bones that he can use to take down the giants.
Just a thought... I'm not 100% sure these guys were giants because it's possible that Jaa is 4'8". But even if they were only 6'2" it worked. They really convinced me that the villainess was breading men with elephants.
I won't spoil everything, but in the end everyone but Jaa's pet elephant's mommy lives happily ever after. And the final scene the director chose is of a sweaty, naked Jaa walking off into the woods with Ella[phant]. Man loves elephant. Man loses elephant. Man pummels other men to find elephant. Man rescues elephant and returns to alternate cycle of life somewhere in Thailand.