While scarping though yet another barrel’s bottom in attempting to drum up the words to encapsulate yet another Adam Sandler cinematic gastric bypass, I opted to take the higher road and rely on the pre-eminent wit of one Noel Coward for inspiration in slogging through “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
His ode to depression, “The Bad Times are Just Around the Corner” accurately sums up just about every filmic experience I’ve had with one Adam Sandler. With the exception of some chuckles in “Happy Gilmore,” I have yet to find a redeeming quality to any of his films. But as each of his subsequent films continue to make box office dollars, I have now relinquished myself to the fact that there I am in the minority and that this comedic abomination is going nowhere soon. So I might as well embrace my disparity, just as the late, great Coward had more than 50 years ago.
Ode to Depression (via Adam Sandler)
with apologies to Noel Coward
His wackiness of ‘Waterboy’
His humor fails to ‘Click.’
From ‘Little Nicky’
On up to ‘Big Daddy,’
Featured humor light as a brick.
From the first scene in ‘Billy Madison,’
Where he first struck his man-child role,
It forced a grin
But deep within
It lacked a trace of soul.
Lady Comedy is going south, lads,
Slumming like a pan-handler.
Lady Comedy lost her voice, lads,
With the help of Adam Sandler.
Hurray, Hurray, Hurray!
Sandler is here to stay.
Refrain 1:
There are bad films just around the corner,
And laughs are never found.
It’s no good complaining,
For he’ll keep reigning
And we all know he’s sticking around.
With a scowl and a sigh,
Another film passes by
As we prepare for Sandler and doom and dread.
We critics unpack our grievances on pages of paper
And wait until we drop down dead.
And through these countless films,
There are many years between us.
His shtick unchanged,
Just rearranged,
With unhealthy focus on his own penis.
We went along on ’50 First Dates’
Though for a second ‘date’ we’re wary,
He pretended to care,
But we knew it’s not there,
When he “Pronounced” both “Chuck and Larry.”
While running “The Longest Yard”
(A title never more apt)
He went from crazy
To just plain lazy
And for two hours we just felt trapped.
Lady Comedy’s taken a rest, lads
We thought we couldn’t handle ‘er
Lady Comedy’s gone to rest,
But has awoken Adam Sandler.
Hurray, Hurray, hurray!
Sandler is here to stay.
So in this final verse, I suppose,
I’d be as spacey as Lindsay Lohan,
To mention here,
With little revere,
My thoughts on “Messin’ with the Zohan.”
He plays a tough-guy soldier,
Skilled from battles near his home.
But dream he dares
Of coiffing U.S. hair
Armed only with a comb.
Sight gags there are aplenty,
But most of them fall flat,
Unless you chuckle
At hairy knuckles
And playing hacky-sack with cats.
Lady Comedy is dead, lads.
In a most appalling manner.
Lady Comedy’s kicked the bucket, lads,
Make room for Adam Sandler.
Hurray, Hurray, hurray!
Sandler is here to stay.