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  • Don't Go Into This FIlm...Sober!

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    Under discussion:

    Friday the 13th  (2009)

    One of the first things you may notice while watching the DVD transfer of “Don't Go In the Woods ... Alone!” is the scratches and abrasions that mark the opening sequence.

     

    Perhaps you may think it's a shoddy restoration job, but a little digging around the disc and you'll find that this 1980 ultra-cheap slasher (which gained infamy for being labelled one of the UK's first “video nasties”) was shot on “short ends” and expired film stock. “Shot ends” is industry-speak for cinematic afterbirth – yards of unused film leftover after footage is shot for unquestionably more competent films.

     

    It is rather fitting that this cinematic detritus is used to shoot DGITW...A!, an unquestionable aberration and compilation of film school no-nos that has somehow garnered a sizeable vult following since its release almost three decades ago.

     

    Filmed in must be the most popular hiking area of all the mountains in Utah, an endless procession of pinheads wander the titular woods (not all of them ...Alone!, mind you) and are systematically hacked apart by a disgruntled maniac, colorfully named “Maniac” in the credits. For its seemingly remote setting, it seems to be rather accessible to even the most novice of outdoorsmen, considering some of the victims include a fey ornithologist (or orn-a-thologist as the rotund town sheriff refers to him), an obese muu-muu-draped nag, a short-shorts-sporting rollerskater (on a gravel road, no less) and a man in a wheelchair.

     

    While any of these character are infinitely more interesting in their seconds of screen time, we are burdened with the blandest bunch of campers to ever strap on a backpack – Peter (Jack McClellend), Ingrid (Mary Gail Artz), Craig (James P. Hayden) and Joanie (Angie Brown). If their expressionless acting does not immediately jar you, their incredibly stagey voice-over woek certainly will. Despite the fact that they are hiking through such high-altitude climes, their voices sounds as though they delivered their lines from the comforts of their couches.

     

    Hayden, as Craig, is particularly distinguishable... as he read his lines... as though there was... a dramatic pause needed... between every third or fourth... word in the script (presuming their even was a script).

     

    It's hard to fathom the fervent following this film garnered since its release. Director James Bryan confesses that it's supposed to by somewhat comedic, but the humor is found for all the wrong reasons. Gags are relegated to the suggestively named characters (“Dick” and “Cherry,” are two incredibly homely newlyweds that face Maniac's wrath), and the exaggerated mannerisms of the victims-to-be ( see the muu-muu lady listed above).

     

    The real laughs come from the astounding ineptitude on almost every level. From the Casio-keyboard created synthesizer sound track (which provides the films only jolts), to the illogical slaying setups (a van that is pushed down a mountainside immediately bursts into flames from the inside, as though it was carting a cargo of propane).

     

    Most laughable is the film's antagonist, played by Tom Drury), a cross between Buddy Hackett and the Bridgekeeper from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Sporting various pelts and beads that cover his sizeable girth, Maniac must at least be given credit for setting up shop where such a high volume of inept victims would traverse, as his body does not appear to be built for travelling too far for fresh meat.

     

    With no rhyme, reason or rhythm it goes. It does boast a surprisingly high body count (14 before the first hour), bu they are so awkwardly staged, lit and executed that there is little to satiate gore hounds.

     

    It's also surprisingly chaste for a slasher flick of that era. In a time where bare boobies were a staple of the genre, a wet T-shirt is as nasty as it gets for fans of the flesh, which is particularly ironic considering the director's porn past.

     

    I have revisited many a slasher flick fondly remembered from my youth ( “Sigh. Oh, Jason. I remember when you were but a young, lake-dwelling mongoloid child!”), and I vaguely recall the infamy “DGITW...A!” garnered back in the day. But while some of the horror flicks of yesteryear still carry with it random thrills and inventive kills, “DGITW...A!” carries only the stench of its too-numerous rotting corpses left strewn across its tree-lined mountainside.


  • Jumper: World weary

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    Under discussion:

    Highlander  (1986)

    Swingers  (1996)

    Unbreakable  (2000)

    Jumper  (2008)

     A great marketing tagline for “Jumper” could have been: Jumper: It's “Highlander” for the myspace generation! Both feature leaps through space (and logic), centuries-old rivalries, and an acting vacuum for a lead (Christopher Lambert in 'Highlander,' Hayden Christensen in 'Jumper'), and both are a laughable assault on the intellect (but 'Jumper” lacks that groovin' Queen soundtrack).

     

    Jumper may also be notable for no other reason than Samuel L. Jackson managed to wear a more bizarre wig than his Gumby model he sported for “Unbreakable” a few years back.

     

    Frosted an unnatural shade of white, he resembles a pissed-off piece of Sno-Caps candy.

     

    Perhaps it was the chance to jet to exotic locales on the director's dime that enticed the actor to sign off on this mess, or maybe he was looking for a role that would allow him to slap former co-star Christensen around a bit in retribution for wrecking the last two “Star Wars” movies.

     

    Christensen plays David Rice (finally, a character with a last name to match his on-screen charisma!), a hedonistic, self-centered jerk who starts the on-screen narration by stating, “Once I was a normal person – a chump just like you.”

     

    Nothing like cuddling up to your audience right off the bat, David.

     

    David is a Jumper, a race long persecuted for their abilities by Christian zealots known as the Paladins, who feel only God should have the power to be everywhere at once (ironically, the Paladins still manage to stay in hot pursuit of the Jumpers, presumably without the use of teleportation). Their penalty for “jumping?” Death by stabbing.

     

    David makes his living “jumping” into banks, siphoning the cash and globe-trotting to catch some killer waves, bed exotic babes and rest atop the Sphinx, seemingly because it just looks cool on the movie poster.

     

    He transports back to his hometown and hooks up with a high school crush (Rachel Bilson, a human Bratz doll), and tries to impress her by taking her around the globe. Her presence slows down his time-space hopscotch, leading him and her prone to a Paladine assault.

     

    Looking for more plot? Sorry, check the theater next door.

     

    There's no plans for global dominance, no natural catastrophe faced. It's essentially just a first date that goes south on a cosmic level.

     

    The fact that Christensen brings to the proceedings all the enthusiasm of a disturbed nap is really no surprise. What is surprising is that the entire endeavor is directed by a should-have-known-better Doug Liman (“Swingers,” “Go,” “The Bourne Identity,” “Mr. and Mrs Smith”).

     

    While adapting young-adult novels from author Steven Gould, Liman figures we do not care about any of particulars, like: what the hell are Jumpers? Paladines? What is the source behind their abilities, weaponry and their feud? What exactly is the past relationship between David and his absentee mommy (played by Diane Lane)? Why the hell should we care about the current relationship with his girlfriend? What is the rationale behind a fellow jumper's plot to take down the Paladines? Of all the scary government agencies Jackson's character could say he's employed by, why does he choose the IRS?

     

    Sadly, the list could continue for the rest of this column.

     

    On the flip side, the lack of details means there are that many more minutes that we do not have to suffer through Christensen's constipated narration. Instead we get scene after scene of watching the “jumping” trick, which is only marginally impressive – and that margin diminishes with each additional leap.

     

    So does our tolerance and patience.


  • This film needs a fluffer

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    Under discussion:

    The Full Monty  (1997)

    Calendar Girls  (2003)

    The Amateurs  (2007)

    It's not that 'The Amateurs' was bad -- how could it be? Just look at that list of names above: Bridges, Danson, Fichtner, Nelson, include Joey 'Pants' Pantoliano and personal crush Judy Greer ('Arrested Development's Kitty).

     But, man. With two years on the shelf (it was completed in 2005), you would think someone might have been able to, pardon the expression, bring this to a much more satisfying climax.

    There are bright moments in this tale of a sleepy, no-name town that decides to bond together over making a porno (yes, apparently Yard Sales are so yesterday).

    It all sounds much crazier than anything on screen, which really feels like a neutered attempt at one of those bawdy-but-sweet British film like The Full Monty or Calendar Girls.

    It's shy when it should have flirted. It's toothless when it should have a shit-eating grin from ear to ear. And, perhaps most deadly, when it should, ahem, rise to the occasion...it's rather flaccid.


  • The Nines': Know thyself

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    Under discussion:

    Go  (1999)

    The Matrix  (1999)

    Fight Club  (1999)

    Old School  (2003)

    Big Fish  (2003)

    The Nines  (2007)

    A brief, deliberately vague  review of 'The Nines' 

    I have always been interested in this philosophical concept, as well as Plato's 'Cave Parable, 'which has been worked into some of my most re-watched cinematic outings of the past few years (The Matrix, Fight Club, Old School -- OK, maybe not that last one).As a writer, I love the kind of Charlie Kauffman-lite vibe this film has going for it, much like 'Stranger Than Fiction,' but I think much more complex.  Ryan Reynolds, who I know many are hot-and-cold over, really displays some heretofore untapped range in three separate roles. Hope Davis is always a welcome addition to any film, but --wow -- where did Melissa McCarthy come from? Have not seen an episode of Gilmore Girls, I suppose I am late to the game, but she is amazing in situations that must seem heart-breakingly true to life for her.John August, who previously wrote Go and is a frequent Tim Burton collaborator (Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride), makes his debut as director and shows a real flair, working with three distinctly different styles, tones, film stock, etc.

    I have been purposefully vague about the plot, for I think that should be left for discussion. The best part of the film for me was not really knowing much about it going in. I have since discovered a few helpful theories behind things that I would be willing to share for those who found it as intriguing as I did, but was also hungry to dig deeper into the meaning of it.


  • Come drink my milkshake: This year's Oscar picks

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    Even though the writers have apparently settled on a deal to end the strike, there is still a great deal to fear on the Oscar broadcast set for Feb. 24, that can be summed up in three simple words (two if you hyphenate correctly):

    Oscar-winner 'Norbit'.

    That's right. While many wrestle with the fact that their favorite films have been left off the nominee list (I understand, though don't agree with, the love-fest called Juno, but even my friends who are the most ardent supporters of the film agree that it has no place in the Best Picture and Best Director category) a film that was universally loathed like 'Norbit' has a shot at earning the most coveted trophies in the biz.

    Here to give you an edge on the office ballots, I have opted to fill this column with a handy guide to this year's nominees, chock-full of winner predictions. (Plus, you can check out some of the shorts on your computer, links provided, free of charge. You're welcome!)

    More...

    Best picture

    Atonement

    Juno

    Michael Clayton

    No Country for Old Men

    There Will Be Blood

    Winner: “No Country for Old Men. A sweeping 86 wins from various awards programs, coupled with the Academy's love for the Coens, means the “Old Men” should have a lot of life in them on Oscar night.

     

    Best Director

    The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” Julian Schnabel

    Juno” Jason Reitman

    Michael Clayton” Tony Gilroy

    No Country for Old Men” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

    There Will Be Blood” Paul Thomas Anderson

    Winner: The Coens again will be awarded, not only for this film, but for their decades of impressive contributions to cinema, whereas the runner-up, Anderson, seems to be just beginning his remarkable run.

    Best Actor

    George Clooney in “Michael Clayton”

    Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”

    Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

    Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah

    Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises

    Winner: Daniel Day Lewis. Of the film's 45 award wins, the majority have gone to Lewis, whose Daniel Plainview could have easily been the embodiment of evil, were it not for the actor who shades the character with the tiniest sliver of humanity.

     

    Best Actress

    Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age

    Julie Christie in “Away from Her

    Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose

    Laura Linney in “The Savages

    Ellen Page in “Juno”

    Winner: Christie. Winning nods from coast (New York, D.C.) to coast (San Francisco, San Diego), to all parts in between (Arizona, Houston, Phoenix), as well as a BAFTA from overseas, Christie is a lock.

     

    Best Supporting Actor

    Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

    Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”

    Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War

    Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild

    Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton”

    Winner: Bardem. Who knew a bowl-cut could be so bad-ass? Bardem's emotionless killing machine is the embodiment of evil in “No Country.”

     

    Best Supporting Actress

    Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There

    Ruby Dee in “American Gangster

    Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement”

    Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone

    Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton”

    Winner: Blanchett. Unless her two nominations this year cancel each other out, Blanchett is the best thing in an otherwise decent, but rather convoluted movie.

     

    Best animated feature

    Persepolis

    Ratatouille

    Surf's Up

    Winner: “Ratatoille.” Unless the Academy chooses to show its indie credibility with selecting “Persepolis,” the little guy should go to Pixar's latest masterpiece, and one of its most technically lavish and emotionally mature works in its canon.

     

    Best documentary feature

    No End in Sight

    Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience

    Sicko

    Taxi to the Dark Side

    War/Dance

    Winner: “No End in Sight.” My only hope is that an Oscar win will bolster this film's chances of being seen, since it is far and away one of the most insightful documentaries concerning the war in Iraq out there.

     

    Art direction

    American Gangster

    Atonement

    The Golden Compass

    Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

    There Will Be Blood

    Winner: “There Will be Blood.” Only because “No Country for Old Men” didn't make it, the Academy will toss “Blood” a bone here.

     

    Cinematography

    The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” Roger Deakins

    Atonement” Seamus McGarvey

    The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” Janusz Kaminski

    No Country for Old Men” Roger Deakins

    There Will Be Blood” Robert Elswit

    Winner: “There Will Be Blood.” For true cinema geeks, this is the most exciting category of the evening. Deakins, whose work in “Jesse James” is nothing short of poetic, adequately captures the harsh dust bowls in “No Country.” But in “Blood,” there are entire stretches of time where not a word is uttered and we can drink in the sumptuous images captured by Elswit.

     

    Costume design

    Across the Universe” Albert Wolsky

    Atonement” Jacqueline Durran

    Elizabeth: The Golden Age” Alexandra Byrne

    La Vie en Rose” Marit Allen

    Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” Colleen Atwood

    Winner: “Atonement.” After sweeping up at the BAFTA awards last weekend, the period piece that is perhaps more notable for its costume over its content. In particular, Kiera Knightly's green dress in act one may cinch the prize alone.

    Best documentary short subject

    Freeheld

    La Corona (The Crown)

    Salim Baba

    Sari’s Mother

    Winner: “Sari's Mother.” Look for director James Longley's tale of a mother in Iraq trying to get health care for her young AIDS-afflicted son to take the prize. It helps that he's earned such prior praise with his doc “Iraq in Fragments.'

     

    Editing

    The Bourne Ultimatum” Christopher Rouse

    The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” Juliette Welfling

    Into the Wild” Jay Cassidy

    No Country for Old Men” Roderick Jaynes

    There Will Be Blood” Dylan Tichenor

    Winner: “No Country for Old Men.” Perhaps more than any other technical category, “No Country” earns its stripes for its near-perfect slicing.

     

    Foreign language film

    Beaufort” Israel

    The Counterfeiters” Austria

    KatyÅ„” Poland

    Mongol” Kazakhstan

    12” Russia

    Winner:Beaufort.” In a rather weak field, “Beaufort” is the only film that seems to be making any critical waves. And if Borat had done enough to sully the name of Kazakhstan, “Mongol” has been doing a bang-up job on its own.

     

    Makeup

    La Vie en Rose

    Norbit

    Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

    Winner: “Pirates.” So help me, Rick Baker has been a pioneer in real-life visual effects, but if he walks with one for transforming Eddie Murphy into a gargantuan shrew, I'm out, man. Game over.

     

    Original score

    Atonement

    The Kite Runner” Distributed by Paramount Classics) Alberto Iglesias

    Michael Clayton

    Ratatouille

    3:10 to Yuma

    Winner: “Michael Clayton.” Where the hell was Jonny Greenwood's eclectic, haunting orchestration for “There Will Be Blood”? Because of some lame technicality, it was left off. None of the other candidates here are even in the same league, but Clayton's is the only score that I can still recall after seeing the film, so it gets my vote.

     

    Original song

    Falling Slowly” from “Once”

    Happy Working Song” from “Enchanted”

    Raise It Up” from “August Rush”

    So Close” from “Enchanted”

    That’s How You Know” from “Enchanted”

    Winner: “Falling Slowly.” Sure, there's overwhelming odds that “Enchanted” could pick it up here, and it deserves some love, but more for a nomination for its lead Amy Adams, not in its cheeky, but slight, soundtrack.

     

    Best animated short film

    I Met the Walrus” (trailer)

    Madame Tutli-Putli” (full film)

    Même les Pigeons Vont au Paradis (Even Pigeons Go to Heaven)” ( full film)

    My Love (Moya Lyubov) for Natalie” (Channel One Russia) (full film, part 2's link is provided after film)

    Peter & the Wolf” (BreakThru Films)

    Winner: My Love. Like a Renoir painting come to life, this is one of the most lavish 2-D animated films in quite some time.

    Best live action short film

    At Night” (clip)

    Il Supplente (The Substitute)” (full film)

    Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets)” (full film)

    Tanghi Argentini

    The Tonto Woman” (trailer)

    Winner: “Il Supplente.” Comic gold and a great punchline.

    Sound editing

    The Bourne Ultimatum

    No Country for Old Men

    Ratatouille

    There Will Be Blood

    Transformers

    Winner: “No Country for Old Men.” It could be a toss up with “There Will Be Blood,” but I have a feeling that the cold thud of Javier Bardem's pneumatic air gun gives it a slight edge.

     

    Sound mixing

    The Bourne Ultimatum

    No Country for Old Men

    Ratatouille

    3:10 to Yuma

    Transformers

    Winner: Transformers. Kevin O'Connell and Greg P. Russell have a combined 32 nominations in their career. It's time Oscar paid them for their labor for their work literally making heavy metal.

     

    Visual effects

    The Golden Compass

    Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

    Transformers

    Winner: Transformers. Was there a part of this film that was not a visual effect? “Compas” flopped, “Pirates” sailed off with the trophy last year, plus, wouldn't it be cool to have a statue that morphed into a robot that would blow up screenwriter Diablo Cody's prize?

    Adapted screenplay

    Atonement” Christopher Hampton

    Away from Her” Sarah Polley

    The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” Ronald Harwood

    No Country for Old Men” Joel and Ethan Coen

    There Will Be Blood” Paul Thomas Anderson

    Winner: “No Country for Old Men.” This one will be swept up in the Coen fever that will take hold on Oscar night, though I think “Blood” will have a longer shelf life with repeated viewings.

     

    Original screenplay

    Juno” Diablo Cody

    Lars and the Real Girl” Nancy Oliver

    Michael Clayton” Tony Gilroy

    Ratatouille” Brad Bird

    The Savages” Tamara Jenkins

    Winner: Diablo Cody for Juno. I think the Academy members have a stake in the merchandising of the T-shirts, since the entire script seems ready to be ironed on to the front of clothing, line by agonizing line.


  • A troubling thing about 'The King'

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    Watched, and immediately fell in love with, The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters," a documentary into the seedy world of video game record holding -- specifically for Donkey Kong (a childhood fave).

    I thought it was a completely engrossing doc, clearly established and colorful characters (Billy Mitchell, no one quite rocks the mullet like you, my friend).

    The trouble is this story here.

    Now, I am aware that when I watch documentaries, there are always aspects of stories that I am not privy to. But after reading this article, I am conflicted. Do I still enjoy this film, now knowing what I know? It was certainly a well-made film, drew its lines in the sand well. And I am a big fan of seperating the art from the artist(still love your work, Polanski!), but this is a little more than that.


 

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