In response to the leaked promo trailer for Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant remake, some people are claiming the film doesn’t look like a Herzog work at all. This is surprising, especially since the scene with the old ladies reminds us of the Aguirre act-at-gunpoint legend. Plus, ever since we heard the news of this “reimagining” we thought it was too befitting for Herzog to rework Abel Ferrara. However, that had more to do with the idea that both filmmakers are batshit crazy, not that their films are really that similar.
Still, wouldn’t it be more exciting to see Herzog take on something even less appropriate for his style and taste? Inspired by the Twitter meme #wernerherzogremake, which began yesterday in connection with the Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans promo, we’ve selected ten films we’d love to see Herzog redo just to see what his warped perspective would bring to these stories. While most of them are slightly tied to something he’s made in the past, each is still a completely unlikely project for Herzog to take on. But hopefully he’ll only see such implausibility as a challenge and actually go with one of our suggestions.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Herzog has already made one of the best vampire movies, which itself was a remake. So, now that there are plans to do a redo or reboot or whatever of this, the source of the hit TV series, let us nominate the director of Nosferatu the Vampyre for the job. The people in charge of the new Buffy movie do want the thing to be darker, after all. They may also want it faster and hipper than Herzog’s homage to the Murnau classic, and that’s fine. As we can see in the Bad Lieutenant trailer, the filmmaker isn’t as slow as he used to be. Christian Bale reunites with Herzog for the role of the vampire king and prepares for the part by living off nothing but human blood.
Oldboy
Okay, so Herzog remaking this Park Chan-wook flick may not seem as unlikely as Will Smith and Steven Spielberg remaking it, but it is still highly improbable that he’d ever get such a high profile project in Hollywood. Still, this movie and Herzog’s The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser have similar beginnings, with a main character being released from an unorthodox kind of imprisonment lasting at least 15 years, and so it’s worth imagining Herzog’s version of this revenge tale. We bet that, unlike a Spielberg redo, it holds onto the incest element.
Time Bandits
A few years back, HandMade Films announced interest in remaking Terry Gilliam’s time travel adventure movie, but we’ve heard nothing of the idea in three years. Honestly, we can think of no better filmmaker to handle a movie about little people jumping about through history than Herzog, whose Even Dwarfs Started Small displays the anarchic goings on of a compound populated with diminutive characters. Think he’s too inappropriate for a kids movie? All the more reason for him to attempt one. This time Evil is more evil, the dwarves are more corrupt and Kevin and Agamemnon’s relationship isn’t quite as paternal (if you know what we mean).
Lost in La Mancha
Continuing on the Gilliam note, here’s a documentary (by Keith Fulton and Louis Pepe) about the failed (first) attempt by Gilliam to make the film The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Herzog’s version isn’t as tragic, because it is actually intentional. He begins work on an epic Cervantes adaptation only to violently sabotage the production on purpose, seemingly in retaliation for producer’s demands. In the end, his incomplete film of Don Quixote is released anyway and becomes a critical success for being an honest representation of art unfinished. This Lost in La Mancha remake opens a few weeks later and causes viewers to question what was and what wasn’t initially planned.
Gentle Giant (aka Gentle Ben)
Here is another kids movie, though not necessarily because we want Herzog to venture into family film territory (though we do want to go to there). Instead, this is like a prequel to Herzog’s documentary Grizzly Man, except that it still involves the characters from Walt Morey’s classic novel for children, and doesn’t focus on a young Timothy Treadwell. Still, Herzog’s film has the kid, Mark Wedloe, slaughtered by his “gentle” black bear pal. While this makes it a lot scarier and therefore less family friendly, it’s a better picture for young audiences than the original, because it doesn’t pretend like it’s okay for kids to go on adventures with deadly animals.
Sweet Home Alabama
After kids movies, traditional romantic comedy is the last place we’d expect to find Herzog, and so it’s one of the first places we’d love to see him go. Why have him dive into the genre specifically with a remake of Sweet Home Alabama, though? Merely for the glass-blowing connection to Heart of Glass, of course. But also, keeping with a connection to that film, it’d be interesting to see a comedy of remarriage done using hypnotized actors. And by actors, we mean that Billy Bob Thornton, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will play themselves — in an entranced state — in the Josh Lucas, Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey roles.
The Miracle Worker
Imagine if someone let Herzog do a Hollywood-produced biopic. Wait, did Rescue Dawn count? While Herzog remade his own documentary, Little Dieter Needs to Fly, for that movie, he at least looks back to his earlier doc Land of Silence and Darkness for this, a reworking of Arthur Penn’s film about Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller. Studio execs wish to cast someone like Dakota Fanning in the part of the deaf and blind teenager, but Herzog insists on using a real disabled person in the part. Unfortunately, the studio wins out, so Herzog controversially handicaps Fanning. In the end, he’s acquitted of the heinous crime because the actress forgives him after winning an Oscar for her performance in the film.
Titanic
In this Fitzcarraldo-inspired reimagining of both James Cameron’s movie and actual history, Herzog asks, “What if the Titanic didn’t hit the iceberg? What if it went over the iceberg instead?” This version retains the love story between Jack and Rose, but it places that plot to the side while concentrating on Rose’s would-be steel baron fiancée (Billy Zane reprises the role) and his arrogant, show-off stunt of pulling the luxury liner over an iceberg it would otherwise crash into. Jack still dies at the end when Zane pushes him off the boat and becomes impaled on a shard of ice.
Final Destination
Despite the fact that a third sequel to this horror flick is due out soon, it’s not too early for a remake of the first installment. Inspired by his own brush with plane-crash death, which is brought up in his documentary Wings of Hope, Herzog places himself in the lead role formerly occupied by Devon Sawa. Well, he doesn’t play a teen, of course; he’s the high school German teacher who cancels his ticket at the last minute and then is accused of terrorism when the flight goes down. While attempting to defend his innocence, he’s simultaneously hunted down by death (a computer-generated Klaus Kinski).
This Ain’t Star Trek XXX
We’ve seen movies turned into musicals turned back into movies. Isn’t it about time we see movies turned into pornos turned back into movies? There are plenty of film-spoof pornos to choose from, but we’d like to see the trend start with Hustler’s new Star Trek knockoff. Not only does it allow Herzog to do another sci-fi flick, but it also gives Sasha Grey her first chance to work with one of her favorite filmmakers when she reprises her role as a Vulcan nymphomaniac. How does this remake differ from the XXX version? It’s pretty much the same without the hardcore penetration. Otherwise, it’s primarily a bunch of sex scenes in outer space.
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