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Under discussion:

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea  (1954)

The Absent-Minded Professor  (1961)

The Apple Dumpling Gang  (1975)

The Black Hole  (1979)

The Cat from Outer Space  (1978)

Darby O'Gill and the Little People  (1959)

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial  (1982)

Escape to Witch Mountain  (1975)

The Gnome-Mobile  (1967)

In Search of the Castaways  (1962)

Mary Poppins  (1964)

Midnight Madness  (1980)

Old Yeller  (1957)

Pinocchio  (1940)

The Shaggy Dog  (1959)

The Swiss Family Robinson  (1960)

The Three Lives of Thomasina  (1963)

Toby Tyler  (1959)

The Ugly Dachshund  (1965)

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory  (1971)

The World's Greatest Athlete  (1973)

The Black Cauldron  (1985)

Million Dollar Duck  (1971)

Escape to Witch Mountain  (1995)

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace  (1999)

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring  (2001)

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl  (2003)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory  (2005)

Coraline  (2009)

Marley & Me  (2008)

Race to Witch Mountain  (2009)

Even if you love the original Escape to Witch Mountain, you have to welcome a remake. The 1975 sci-fi Disney film has some very dated special effects — though the visible wires used to “levitate” a handgun and a harmonica give it a campy charm — and it’s not exactly the well-respected classic that The Black Hole or Old Yeller is, anyway. So, better a remake (or “modern re-imagining”) of a slightly beloved movie, which has already been redone once, to give The Rock another fulfillment of his Disney contract and utilize all the “perfect” digital effects now available.

While it seems that eventually all Disney live-action classics will be remade, potentially rendering obsolete the careers of Dean Jones, Kevin Corcoran and those ugly kids from Mary Poppins, there are some that may, like Witch Mountain, deserve to be recycled. Disney has previously erred in reworking films like The Absent-Minded Professor (Robin Williams is no Fred MacMurray) and The Shaggy Dog (Tim Allen is no MacMurray, either, nor even is he Tommy Kirk), and it’s mistakenly producing new versions of Swiss Family Robinson and 20,000 Leauges Under the Sea. But there are so many other films, most forgotten, that would better lend themselves to remakes.

Here we’ve selected 10 such classics, all but one live-action features, and we welcome you to suggest any others you may wish to see updated and/or re-imagined.

The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975)

With the western genre not quite dead anymore, it would be nice for Disney to bring back the comedy western. Of course, The Apple Dumpling Gang could be modernized, too. Either way, the story of three orphan children who enlist two bumbling bank robbers to steal their gold nugget would delight a new generation of kids who might not necessarily appreciate Don Knotts the way we did. Cast Jim Carrey in the Knotts role and Jack Black as his partner (originally played by Tim Conway), have them try to outdo each other’s slapstick performance, and you’ve got a huge family hit.

The Black Cauldron (1985)

This animated feature was so unpopular that it pretty much ruined the reputation of Walt Disney Pictures for a few years. Rated PG, and way too dark even for the studio that brought us Pinocchio, the adaptation of Lloyd Alexander’s fantasy novel had initially been threatened with a PG-13 or R rating. Nearly 25 years later, kids are a little tougher and could easily tolerate a live-action version that’s somewhere akin to Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean and The Phantom Menace (a CGI “Gurgi” would be very similar to Jar-Jar Binks). Tim Burton should obviously direct the film, because he worked as an artist on the original, and he’s currently working for Disney anyway.

The Cat from Outer Space (1978)

Few people seem to hold this movie in high regards, despite audience’s apparent favor for talking animals and stupid sci-fi plots. But a modernized telling of a feline alien’s visit to Earth could be a blockbuster by being even worse than the original. Add more slapstick (in an LOLCats sort of way) and more special effects and this could make even more money than E.T., which seriously seemed derivative of The Cat from Outer Space anyway. And after this becomes a hit, Disney should continue digging in its catbox and remake the very strange and very obscure Three Lives of Thomasina.

Darby O’Gill and the Little People (1959)

If Hollywood can dare redo Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, then Disney can surely remake Darby O’Gill and the Little People without too much protest. And like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, this remake shall retain the source novel’s title. Of course, Darby O’Gill and the Good People does sound a little plain, so maybe getting right to the idea with Darby O’Gill and the Leprechauns as a title would be better. In any event, Sean Connery should come out of retirement to switch roles and play the titular old man who meets a bunch of Leprechauns. And perhaps Daniel Craig for Connery’s original role? Okay, new title: James Bond and the Other James Bond in Little People Are Forever (or Little People Never Die, or some other combo of 007 title referencing Leprechaun’s immortality). If this does well, Disney can also go ahead and redo the little-people-filled The Gnome-Mobile.

In Search of the Castaways (1962)

Here’s the genius idea Hollywood’s been seeking for almost 50 years: remake the Jules Verne adaptation In Search of the Castaways, a musical adventure with tons of disaster film elements and a perfect role for Miley Cyrus (isn’t she this generation’s Hayley Mills, in a way?), who could sing a new version of “Castaway.” The ice slide scene would be great in 3-D, by the way.

Midnight Madness (1980)

Remaking this cult classic might upset a few fans, but even those of us who love the original should be able to appreciate an updated version if it’s done right. There could always be more scavenger hunt movies, whether they’re fresh or recycled. And if Disney can find enough good, young character actors to fill the teams, nobody should even miss Eddie Deezen, David Naughton or Stephen Furst. Have Judd Apatow produce the thing and cast all his regulars, for instance. Paul Reubens (Pee-Wee Herman) should reprise his role, though.

The Million Dollar Duck (1971)

This family comedy about a duck that lays golden eggs is not very good, and it probably didn’t help its box office that a better film featuring golden-egg-laying fowl (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) opened on the very same day. But a good remake of bad movie isn’t a bad idea, and in this economy the story of a struggling family that gets a burst of financial luck (via strange science) might work as a relevant fantasy.

Toby Tyler, or Ten Weeks with a Circus (1960)

This forgotten Kevin Corcoran + monkey classic is kind of like Coraline, but there’s more circus stuff, the kid’s parents don’t suck (though he’s told they don’t love him), there’s a primate friend instead of a talking cat (though both animals are classic Disney devices) and it’s live-action and not 3-D. Do children still dream of running away to the circus? If not, then a remake of this movie could both reinstate that wish and present it as a terrible substitute for a real family all in the course of 90 minutes.

The Ugly Dachshund (1966)

Between the success of Marley and Me and news of an upcoming Marmaduke movie, it may just be the perfect time for a remake of a movie about a disastrous Great Dane who thinks he’s a little wiener dog. Put Brad Pitt and Anglina Jolie in the Dean Jones and Suzanne Pleshette roles and you’ll really, really piss off Team Jennifer by out-grossing last Christmas’ biggest hit.

The World’s Greatest Athlete (1973)

The story of an African who is brought to the U.S. to be a college track star may not seem like a big idea for a movie in the 21st century. But make that African a Tarzan-like white kid who can outrun a cheetah (and who isn’t The Flash) and you’ll have people laughing your film out of theaters. Or, you’ll somehow have a monster hit. Either way, we wish Disney would have the balls to remake this unrealistic movie, especially if they can get Usain Bolt to be the protagonist’s main competition.

Under discussion:

9 1/2 Weeks  (1986)

Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice  (1969)

Cool Hand Luke  (1967)

The Girl Can't Help It  (1956)

Hot Shots!  (1991)

Now, Voyager  (1942)

Rope  (1948)

To Catch a Thief  (1955)

To Have and Have Not  (1944)

The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear  (1991)

Young Adam  (2003)

Watchmen  (2009)

What is worse about the now-infamous Watchmen sex scene (watch it here), the distracting soundtrack or the explosive metaphor at the climax? Even if intended to be funny, and regardless of its (more-subtle) appearance in the graphic novel, the fire blast as stand-in for ejaculation is so cliché that it has no place in a story that means to shatter conventions. Plus, sexual metaphor is a little unnecessary in a film that already has a lot of nudity and a distinct moment of impotence. Especially at the end of a scene that is quite gratuitous compared to the comic’s depiction, that blast is more a symbol of how incorrectly handled Watchmen is than of the orgasms it’s intended to represent.

Between that shot in Watchmen and our recent list of sexiest non-sex scenes, we have had bad sex-scene clichés on the brain. So, to relieve us from the tension of list-making blue balls, we’ve decided to release this short burst of a list for discussion. Think we should have included saxophone-heavy soundtracks or any other cliché you’ve come to notice, let us know in the comments.

1. The Explosively Metaphoric Climax

Watchmen may have the worst example of this cliché, and that’s saying a lot considering the practice of using everything from fireworks to popping soda/champagne bottles to rockets firing to trees spontaneously combusting to nuclear explosions during kissing and sex scene climaxes has been extremely popular throughout film history. Explosive metaphors sometimes work well in classic films that required veiled innuendo (see To Catch a Thief, The Girl Can’t Help It and Cool Hand Luke for some good examples), but anything that’s come after the terrific montage in The Naked Gun 2 ½ is overkill.

2. The L-Shaped Blanket

This is a basic movie cliché that people have complained about for years and doesn’t necessarily have to be tied to a sex scene. It’s the typical appearance of an “L-shaped” sheet or blanket that exposes a male character’s chest while covering the female’s (or “LL-shaped” sheet, in the case of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice). When it appears after a sex scene, though, it’s even more frustrating, particularly if that scene has already featured nudity. The problem with continuing to show the woman’s breasts may have to do with the tradition of non-sexual representation of the female body, unbroken and casual, in movies. Or, it could just be the difficulty of not being able to use a body double in such wide-shot situations. Either way, it’s frustratingly unrealistic. Then again, so were separate beds for married characters; there are just some things we have to put up with from censored and modest Hollywood movies.

3. “Actress Inferior Position”

This is the first entry in Roger Ebert’s Little Movie Glossary: A Compendium of Movie Cliches and was submitted by Ebert’s late friend and review-show partner Gene Siskel, who wrote, “In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV at the moment of climax is almost always the man’s, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control.” Well, this may be true enough that it encourages boys to grow up thinking sex is completely about conquering a woman by making her orgasm, but after seeing Patrick Wilson’s “O” face in that Watchmen scene, audiences might rather keep this cliché as standard. Of course, Malin Ackerman’s loss of control isn’t exactly enjoyable either.

4. Food Mixed With Sex

Food can be quite sexy, and there are certainly a lot of decent films that explore the connection between eating and making love (Houston Press has a great list of ten such films). But some films have taken the concept too far and now it’s become a bad sex-scene convention. First, Hot Shots! lampooned the famous ice-and-food foreplay scene from 9 ½ Weeks, officially labeling the food/sex combination a cliché. Then, 12 years later, Young Adam conclusively killed the whole idea with its disgusting custard-covered lovemaking scene.

5. Cigarettes as Phallic Symbols

Back during the Hays Code days, cigarettes were clever devices used as metaphoric hints at sexual activity. When characters shared cigarettes, such as in Now, Voyager, To Have and Have Not and Rope, it implied a sex act. When Marlene Dietrich held a cigarette in any of her films, the prop was a phallic symbol implicit in projecting an image of bisexuality. And ironically, in a film as explicit as 9 ½ Weeks, a cigarette may have been a required stand-in for Mickey Rourke’s penis during a strip-tease scene, because male nudity continues to be a taboo while the naked female body is common on the big screen. However, not all cigarettes in films represent sex and/or phallus, but due to the heavy employment of the prop in such a way for so many years, it’s hard for moviegoers (particularly those of us with film studies degrees) to think of them as anything but sex symbols. Fortunately, Hollywood is being forced to censor out cigarettes from their movies (getting slack for even featuring a pack of cigarettes), and meanwhile they continue to break sexual taboos at the same time. So this cliché is likely to go way very soon.