Last Friday, before conspiracy theorists were questioning who actually birthed newborn Trig Palin, and long before it was announced that Bristol Palin is a (first time?) teen mom-to-be, I was innocently thinking of the more simple Sarah Palin movie. The one that goes sorta like The Contender, except that in this case the nude photos, which may or may not be of the female VP candidate, are pageant-related rather than a remnant of sorority hazing.
Now, of course, despite the gossip blogs’ wet dream that there are indeed scandalous photos out there of the former Miss Alaska runner-up, the movie goes a little more like Juno — or, as many a site has effortlessly pictured it, Juneau. Either way, both The Contender’s Joan Allen and Juno mom Allison Janney could easily pull off the role of Sarah Palin, but I’ve got my heart set on someone else for the part (see above). And I’ve gone ahead and cast the rest of the movie, too (see below). But feel free to comment below with your own choices for each of the cast.
Sandra Bullock as Sarah Palin
While the obvious lookalike is Tina Fey, let’s just assume that Lorne Michaels has already phoned the 30 Rock star and begged her to guest appear on Saturday Night Live for the couple months leading up to the election (and beyond if McCain/Palin win). I’ve also seen suggestions for Mariska Hargitay (another decent lookalike), Megan Mullaly, Nia Vardalos and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. But I’m going with Bullock, and not only because of the Miss Congeniality factor. Or even that she’s exactly the right age (so is Hargitay). Bullock and Palin share a few similar features, too, yet the major factor in my choice is that this is Palin’s story, and she needs a relatively A-list name to play her.
Paul Simon as John McCain
I have to give my brother credit for this one, as he apparently has always thought McCain looks like the singer-songwriter. My best idea was to cast Bruce Willis and age him to look 20 years older. The best thing about Simon, who I’ve always wished had acted more, is that he’s actually a lot shorter than McCain and will caricaturize the idea that the Republican presidential candidate always looks rather stubby.
Miley Cyrus as Bristol Palin
If resemblance was key, I’d go more with Amanda Bynes or maybe 7th Heaven’s Beverley Mitchell. But I’m instead choosing “Hannah Montana”, because she’s appropriately scandal-prone. And she’d get the young girls into the audience for whatever message the film intends. Plus, I think there’s a rule that all teen actresses have to star in some sort of young pregnancy movie sooner or later, and this would surely be the most high profile of the sort.
Chris Isaak as Todd Palin
As long as we’ve already got Simon and Cyrus, why not add some more musical people to the ensemble? Maybe the movie can even be a musical? While I think Miley’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus, could pass as the First Gentleman of Alaska, there’s just too many people out there who’d get the icky feeling that Todd Palin is actually the father of Bristol’s kid. So, here’s Chris Isaak, who could probably look enough like the guy if he grew a goatee. Another contender, if you’re a fan of Speed and The Lake House, is Keanu Reeves, but my first choice is actually either 20-years-ago Fred Ward or 20-years-ago Patrick Duffy.
Unknown as Levi Johnston
In the musical version that’s also geared toward young audiences, Bristol Palin’s reluctant baby daddy would be played by one of the Jonas Brothers. But it’s so common for teen boy roles to be cast with newcomers that I figure the kid would be played instead by a relative unknown. I know it’s a bit of a cop out, especially since I’m really unfamiliar with today’s young heartthrobs, but just look at all the Channing Tatums, Chad Michael Murrays, etc. that pop up every year. Wait, maybe I am familiar enough with today’s teens. Can I change my mind to a now-badass-looking Frankie Muniz?
Jon Heder as Markos Moulitsas
The Napoleon Dynamite actor doesn’t exactly look like the Daily Kos founder, but my dream picks, Adam Baldwin (Firefly; Chuck) and John Francis Daley (Freaks and Geeks; Bones), are respectively too old and too young. Anyway, as the political blogger whose site broke the rumor of Palin’s fake pregnancy, which led to the announcement of Bristol’s actual pregnancy, Heder would finally play a much needed serious role. Plus, ‘Kos’ is probably as annoying to many Republicans as Napoleon Dynamite is to me.
With…
Bokeem Woodbine as Barack Obama and John Terry as Joe Biden
TV supporting players Woodbine (Saving Grace) and Terry (Lost) would round out the main cast, save for the rest of the Biden clan, who will be played by random child actors, and Fred Thompson and Paris Hilton, who will appear as themselves. Cindy McCain will be played by Joan Allen (she deserves to be in here somewhere) and Joe Lieberman will of course be played by Deputy Dog.
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