Yesterday I wrote of the news that Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov is helming an effects-heavy adaptation of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick. It’s not entirely shocking, but it does still seem like a cruel joke. More specifically, it sounds like something Jasper Fforde would jest about in his Thursday Next novels. Of course, the news came just as I’m in the middle of Fforde’s latest, First Among Sequels, in which Pride and Prejudice is turned into a reality TV show.
Although I’m not exactly well read as far as literary classics go, I’ve been wondering what other revered books (particularly those in the public domain) could be reworked as potential summer blockbusters. Obviously, there are certain sci-fi, fantasy and adventure novels that work, yet the fitting fictions of Verne, Wells, Burroughs, Dumas and others are already fodder for cheap movies with lots of action and/or special effects. Therefore, I’ve tried to limit my choices to those books that aren’t such easy candidates for a Memorial Day weekend opening.
1. The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri
Dante’s epic poem has inspired a few films over the years, including the hugely successful 1911 silent L’Inferno, but it’s about time for Hollywood to bastardize the otherworldly tale with lots of computer-generated visuals. Maybe you’re thinking that What Dreams Come already made some attempt at this, and it failed at the box office. Sure, but it was still an awesome spectacle of a film. Now, think of something similar starring Will Smith as Dante. And some rewrites to allow for more fight scenes (yes, even in Heaven). The poem will be divided into a trilogy of films, of course.
2. Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift
Georges Méliès, the original visual-effects cinema showman, made the first adaptation of Swift’s satire, and a later version featured special effects from stop-motion master Ray Harryhausen. The last adaptation also had decent effects, at least for a TV miniseries, but it’s high time for a new big screen attempt, which shall employ all the latest effects innovations. And Will Ferrell. It should also have a more contemporary setting and lose all the allegory and commentary stuff. Nobody needs to be thinking about antiquated messages at the multiplex; they just want to watch giant people destroying little cities, pirate attacks and other straightforward spectacles.
3. Candide by Voltaire
Similarly, Voltaire’s satire could be made into a more straightforward adventure through life’s calamities. And yet just by adhering to the basic plot, the main idea could still be communicated without making the audience think they’ve actually been made to think about it. It should probably be modernized, and it should probably star Shia LaBeouf.
4. Scaramouche by Rafael Sabatini
I guess a modernization of this classic would seem like just any other movie about a man forced into hiding as an actor, and a more faithful adaptation would probably not feature a better swordfight than the one in MGM’s 1952 version. So, it should be reset in the future, should star James Franco, who is due for more action and more comedy, and be some kind of cross between Sister Act and Star Wars.
5. Oedipus Rex by Sophocles
I’m picturing Nicolas Cage in yet another movie involving prophecies. Only in this one, he not only can’t avoid killing his father and mating with his mother, he also fails to save the world from an apocalypse. See, the movie is about how you can’t change your destiny, and it’s also about a lot of cool and disastrous destruction occurring at the film’s climax.
6. The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
Matt Damon is reunited with director Terry Gilliam for an absurd action movie that’s as much The Bourne Identity as it is The Metamorphosis. Damon plays Gregor, a man who wakes up one day to find he’s a giant bug. That’s about as far as Kafka’s story is retained. From there, he must go on the run while being chased by an organization of pest control operatives in an attempt to find out why he’s transformed and how he can return to human form.
7. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson
I know, it’s been filmed a billion times, and it’s technically one of those books I wanted to exclude on account of its ease in becoming a blockbuster. But here’s the thing: it would be completely different this time, and I don’t mean because it will be set in space. That’s already been done. No, instead, thanks to the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, the story of Jim Hawkins (Cameron Bright) and Long John Silver (Gerard Butler) will include some paranormal additions, courtesy of Hollywood’s idea of poetic license.
8. The Last Days of Pompeii by Edward Bulwer-Lytton
I don’t know if this is still considered a classic, but as long as the adaptation of Robert Harris’ Pompeii book (which was once to be directed by Roman Polanski) is struggling to get made, now is the chance for some big producer to get a blockbuster made out of this book. And worse comes to worse, there ends up being competing Pompeii movies, which would fit in with the tradition of disaster movies anyway.
9. The Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain
In a way, this movie will just be a combo of Trading Places and Face/Off, but it will have that more respectable title and a less respectable script. And Nic Cage can again play twins.
10. Don Quixote by Cervantes
Many of cinema’s greatest filmmakers have had the ambition to make a great adaptation of Cervantes’ masterpiece. And now it’s time for Michael Bay to admit he’d also like to give it a try. And with a big enough budget, he’ll succeed, though it won’t exactly be faithful to the book. Instead it will be about a man (Nic Cage again) who’s seen too many action movies and so, with great delusions, takes it upon himself to become an action hero. I can’t wait to watch all those windmills explode!
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