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  • 10 Awful Matrix “Bullet Time” Spoofs

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    Under discussion:

    Wing Commander  (1999)

    The Matrix  (1999)

    Scary Movie  (2000)

    Shrek  (2001)

    Equilibrium  (2002)

    Ultraviolet  (2006)

    Karate Dog  (2004)

    Speed Racer  (2008)

    Wanted  (2008)

    When I first saw the trailer for Wanted, I figured it was just another Matrix ripoff. And I’m sure there are many other people who thought the same thing. Of course, some Matrix ripoffs aren’t bad — I absolutely love Kurt Wimmer’s Equilibrium, for example — but most are. Even worse, though, are the parodies of the Matrix’s “bullet time” sequences. Do we really need to see another movie character bend over backwards to avoid a bullet (or milk)? Or another movie character suspended in motion while the camera tracks around him or her?

    It’s no wonder that until yesterday, I had pretty much dismissed Wanted, because of that Matrix-like bullet time sequence in which Morgan Freeman shoots around a slab of meat to hit an unseen target. Yet as of yesterday, the movie’s Rotten Tomatoes rating was 100% (Anthony Lane’s New Yorker review, posted today, is the first “rotten” one, taking it down to 92%). Now I’m more intrigued. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that that bullet time sequence is there, reminding me of the worst that The Matrix has inspired in the past decade. To remind you, too, I’ve compiled a bunch of clips that should provide you with similar doubt.

    The Gap “Khaki Swing” Ads - Soon after The Matrix came out and blew our minds with the effect, Gap had to ruin its cool factor real quick by showing just how easily it could be redone and exploited. These commercials also began ruining Louis Prima and the neo-swing movement in general, so it’s especially evil in my mind.

    Ultraviolet - OK, not so much a parody, but it’s so blatantly a Matrix ripoff that it should be considered such. The buildup of this sequence is so excessively stylized that after watching it I never wanted to see another bullet time sequence ever again.

    Wing Commander - I never saw this movie, so I don’t know what’s happening in the bullet time sequence with the milk frozen in air (seen in the trailer, above), but any movie featuring a bullet time sequence involving milk is a sure sign of a bad movie (see Kung Pow! Way of the Fist, below)

    Michael Jordan - Is this an ad? Or is it just another excuse just to use this effect?

    The Simpsons “New Kids on the Blecch” - This episode featured a very minor Matrix parody with guest stars NSYNC displaying a dance move called “The Matrix”. It would have been just another simple imitation if not for the one guy falling out of place, which is a little funny. (I apologize for making you watch most of this behind-the-scenes feature to get to the sequence)

    Scary Movie - This one isn’t too bad, either. At first it merely seems like it’s just an imitation, but then the killer throws his back out. Good one. Unfortunately, the Wayans take it a little further and mess up the scene with that lame jig gag.

    Karate Dog - I’ve already recently shared this awful (or awfully funny?) clip of Jon Voight fighting a talking dog skilled in Kung Fu, and I think it speaks for itself anyway, so just watch. It’s OK if you stop after the first “baby carriage time” gag and don’t get to the other Matrix reference. Nobody ever needs to be subjected to “super lick.”

    Kung Pow! Enter the Fist - I’m so glad that this clip is presented in widescreen. All the better an homage to a movie that helped popularize the letterbox format of the DVD. Actually that’s about where the respect ends. There are just some things you don’t need to see done with the bullet time effect, and milk blasted out of udders is one of those things.

    Welcome to Dongmakgol - Is this really bullet time, or just a lot of slow motion and blue screen made to make us think we’re watching bullet time? It’s so ridiculously overdone, I can’t tell. And I don’t care. In a way it looks more like a ripoff of Kung Pow! than The Matrix anyway.

    Shrek - This one doesn’t even have any additional joke. It’s just an imitative reference and one of the many reasons I find the Shrek movies to be creatively vapid works. Plus, it’s not even as cool as the Matrix’s bullet time sequences because it’s a completely computer-rendered film. This scene could have existed even before The Matrix’s advances with the effect, which technically can be credited to much earlier animated works, including the original Speed Racer TV series. In fact, it now seems as if the Wachowskis were always just trying to make a live-action version of that last shot from the Speed Racer opening.


    Originally posted on:SpoutBlog

  • George Carlin’s Animated Reflexivity. Clip of the Day

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    Though it may be more appropriate to watch videos of his comedy routines, particularly of his classic “Seven Dirty Words” bit or his routine on death, this is a film blog, so I’m sharing a clip from … an animated television series. But it’s a cartoon spun-off from a movie, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which is probably Carlin’s most memorable film, so I find it worthy. Especially because Carlin reprised his role as Rufus.

    The first season of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures actually featured the voices of Carlin, Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter, as Rufus, Ted and Bill, respectively. It wasn’t completely rare for cartoon spin-offs to retain the lead actors of the original movies/TV shows, and it’s not like any of the principals were too big for Saturday morning (Reeves didn’t really become a big star until a few years later), but in retrospect it at least seems surprising.

    The main reason I wanted to share this clip was to recognize Carlin’s ability to transcend his iconic status as a pioneer of obscene stand-up in order to do a lot of kid-friendly work. In addition to appearing in the Bill & Ted movies and the first season of the animated series (none of the stars stayed on for the second, much-altered season), Carlin lent his voice to Pixar’s Cars, Disney’s Tarzan II, the Weinstein Company’s Happily N’Ever After and the children’s program Thomas the Tank Engine and appeared as the conductor on the Thomas spin-off Shining Time Station.

    And in the above clip Carlin’s two sides meet, as the animated Rufus comes across a George Carlin comedy album. Were kids suddenly introduced to the obscene Carlin? Did they run out and buy his albums only to discover that he had a filthy mouth? Probably not. I had grown up with his comedy, hearing his routines before I was even as old as there are dirty words, but I’m sure that when this episode aired, I failed to see the true genius of the joke. Now I appreciate it to its fullest. To quote the animated Carlin, the reflexive moment is indeed “most amusing.”


    Originally posted on:SpoutBlog

  • SilverDocs Diary: Alternative American Teens

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    Under discussion:

    American Teen  (2008)

    Nannette Burstein’s American Teen has become ubiquitous since its Sundance premiere, both on the festival circuit and, thanks to a poster carefully calibrated to target Gen X nostalgia, online. Its title suggests a wishful universality, but in fact, when looked at alongside two less-lauded films about American teens against which it screened here in Silver Spring, its document of five white high school seniors in a semi-rural suburb of Indiana seems as niche as it gets.

    World premiering here on Friday before beginning a run on HBO Monday night, Hard Times at Douglas High is a fly-on-the-wall work of activism documenting a year in the life of an all-black Baltimore high school, as teachers, students and administrators struggle to comply with No Child Left Behind. Made by the directors of the seminal reality series An American Family, it makes visible the reverberations of blind bureaucracy on living and breathing institutions, making the home and personal lives of its students a spectre, but not a direct concern. Taking the inverse tactic, Going on 13’s intimate portrait of four girls passing through puberty (or, “puberey”, as one subject refers to it early on) over the course of four years in a barely middle-class Northern California community touches on the institutions that contain their lives only incidentally. Seen together in a single weekend, each of the three seem to say less about age than the variables of fate as played out through place and race.

    It should be noted that these are films of wildly varying degrees of visual accomplishment and technical proficiency. American Teen looks as expensively and professionally made as the highest caliber of unscripted TV. Despite the impressive resume of its makers, Hard Times‘ camerawork seems, at best, less than deliberate, and at worst, absolutely amateur. Though its the only film of the three without a corporate production partner, Going on 13 fits somewhere in between.

    The technical specs seem important, because that’s where the filmmakers’ hands in shaping these stories is most evident. Much has been made in regards to Nannette Burstein’s alleged “manipulation” of her subjects and their lives: did she recreate email/text message exchanges or the reactions they caused? Does it matter if she did? I’ve seen the film twice, and neither time did these shot-reverse shot depictions of near-instant communication seem to get in the way of a larger truth. I do think the trickier––and braver––aspect of American Teen’s stylization is the use of animation, wherein each major “character” is given a sequence through which the reality of their current lives is carried over into their dreams for the future. Bitch about the ethics of “construction” if you must, but this is where Burstein shows us that she’s on her subjects’ side, even as she later presents evidence that she doesn’t always condone what they do (and nor should the bulk of their youthful mistakes be condoned). Cynics should also take some comfort in the notion that if the marketing campaign has gone out of its way to recall the Breakfast Club, it stems from the fact that––again, like it or not, and for me it’s not all of a piece–– the director herself strains to drop her characters into achetypical boxes (the art freak, the jock, the rich bitch) that fit the poster’s references. At least the gimmick stems from the content, even if––spoiler alert!––that blonde boy at the top of the cluster doesn’t quite deserve to be represented by the black, fingerless glove in the end. As dreamy as Judd Nelson? Maybe. As obstinately anarchic in that way that only a boy with a warm, safe bed and a conviction that he’s nonetheless got nothing to lose can pull off? Hardly.

    Going on 13 also makes use of animation, but less successfully; its notebook-scratch transitions are a distancing device which cut up the true meat of the story. But, refreshingly, its subjects defy easy typifying. Directors Kristy Guevara-Flanagan and Dawn Valadez tracked four loosely-connected girls from ages 9 to 13: Arianna, a black tomboy living with a single mom; Isha, the daughter of a traditional Indian family whose intelligence and commitment to cultural traditions render her an outcast at school; Esmeralda, an overweight, sexually curious Mexican girl; and Rosie, a half-Nicauraguan child of divorce whose mentally unwell mother disrupts attempts at a balance between school and home.

    The diversity of their cast makes for instant dynamism, but the directors truly impress through their evidently close relationships with the girls. In tracking their subjects from late elementary school through their entrance into high school, their cameras are able to become invisible enough to capture certain moments as if unawares (there’s an incredible shot where Arianna, serving as a bridesmaid at her mother’s wedding, approaches a tilted-up camera with her face first quaking in fear, and then melting into tears); other moments intriguingly betray the long-term effect of the cameras on the subjects’ lives, as when Esmeralda can barely remove her head from behind her arms whilst discussing her first break up. 13 touches more often and more deeply than these other two films, so if it stops short of offering a Grand Statement about The Way Kids Live Now, that seems okay––as a portrait of the inner lives of teen girls in a single community, its most complete.

    Hard Times
    gives the sense that in an urban school in crisis, the students have no time for the personal developmental indulgence seen in the other two films. The richest, most popular girl in American Teen has ample time to torment her classmates; the students of Douglas High aren’t thinking about pettily evil agendas because, more often than not, they’ve got babies to raise––unless they’re out nurturing their criminal careers. As one of the school’s most on-top-of-it teachers inform us, something like three quarters of the incoming freshman class has “disappeared” by the 12th grade. Most teachers see less than a handful of parents at Back to School Night, and in spite of No Child Left Behind’s emphasis on tough love testing, teachers are encouraged to give seniors as many second chances as they need to qualify for graduation. The simple fact is, the school needs to get rid of them––a department head faculty meeting gives the impression that even with the school’s sorry state of matriculation, there aren’t enough books and desks as it is.

    Hard Times has undeniably strong moments––a post-basketball loss pep-talk forms the core of the film and delivers its defining message: “Shit that don’t kill you, do what? Make you stronger!”––but in concentrating on the uncertainty of the administration and the helplessness of the teachers, it unavoidably colors the students as the roiling mass of Other. Though the bulk of the adults at Douglas High are, like the minors storming its halls, black and native-born to the community, the actual American teens on screen are rarely interrogated as people, and are in fact most often treated en masse as a problem to be wrangled, to which ultimately, with their apparently indifferent parents and almost total lack of respectable options, neither the filmmakers nor the school professionals seem to have any unsatisfying answers. If Hard Times is the messiest film of the three visually, you can’t say it’s unwarranted by the content; it’s the one film that leaves you with the impression that, in the current climate, the kids are definitely not alright.

    Full disclosure: In 2004, I spent a weekend logging tapes for a documentary Nanette Burstein made about Marion Jones. I found the job on Craig’s List and never actually met the director.


    Originally posted on:SpoutBlog

  • Smart All Around. Trade Roughage 06/23/08

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    • The headline of Variety’s “Get Smart made a decent amount of money and Love Guru got what it deserved” story: “Audiences make the ‘Smart’ choice.” Is this qualitative analysis, right in the headline? I love it!
    • Scott Sternberg, producer of Peter Bart and Peter Gruber’s “stating an opinion as if it is fact is more legitimate on television than on a web site updated in reverse chronological order” chat show Sunday Morning Shootout, is setting up a division of his production company to make feature-length non-fiction films. His first topic? Hasidic jews, of course!
    • In what looks to me like a sign that somebody’s finally admitting to themselves that they can only bleed money on untested auteur experiments for so long, The Weinsteins are planning to take advantage of “all these properties that lend themselves to musicals.” They’ll make Broadway shows out of a bunch of crap that they own, including Finding Neverland and Pink Floyd’s The Wall.
    • She Unfolds By Day took the top prize at the CineVegas film festival, which announced its awards on Saturday. I was on the shorts jury at the fest, but Variety didn’t name the shorts winners in their writeup, so no disclosure needed, right?

    Originally posted on:SpoutBlog