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I admit that I write about Uwe Boll too much, and I couldn’t care less about video games or the movies adapted from them, but on a slow news day such as this, I’d rather ruffle some feathers than resort to writing about something less interesting. Besides, I agree slightly with his comments to New York’s Vulture blog, at least that he’d be better to direct a Grand Theft Auto movie than Michael Bay or Brett Ratner.

Grand Theft Auto would be super interesting for me, and I think I would actually be the right guy to do it, because my movies are all bloody and violent and I don’t have a problem with action scenes. But look, they will go, in the end, with a Michael Bay or a Brett Ratner, and it will be a PG-13 movie made for $150 million. I think it would be better to make a $30 million, very hard, brutal movie without compromising, but I’m not optimistic.

I don’t know if Boll would really be the best to handle the adaptation, if there ever is one, but certainly a PG-13 movie would be utterly ridiculous. Honestly, I can’t think of who would be good to direct such a film. But then, I don’t think any movie of the game would actually work. So why not just let Boll have fun with it?

And speaking of fun, Boll has a really awesome idea for his next film, which would actually involve all his haters:

I think right in the Internet world there is a more interesting strategy I could go with. I have the rights to [Wii game] Zombie Massacre, and maybe we should do that movie with all the gamers and Boll haters, and people who signed that petition anti-Boll, or pro-Boll, we all meet in a big, small city — somewhere in the Midwest. And we all shoot Zombie Massacre together; they all play zombies, and they’re there and can give me advice if they think they can do it better than me. So as long as we keep shooting something and we do that as a big convention type of thing and then they have all the opportunity to show me how they would do it different, and we have maybe 10,000 zombies running around, I think this could be a good idea for 2009 or 2010 — to do something that maybe nobody has done before, and to have all the people coming together and ripping each other apart on the field, like the pro-Boll and anti-Boll zombies.

To think people believe the guy is all bad. Who else is interested in doing such good things for his enemies as letting them collaborate? I almost want to finally sign the petition just so I could be cast as a zombie. By the way, Uwe, here’s another related idea from one of your few supporters: make it so that Stride Gum is what makes you a zombie.

Under discussion:

Less Than Zero  (1987)

Fight Club  (1999)

Snatch  (2000)

Troy  (2004)

Mr. and Mrs. Smith  (2005)

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford  (2007)

I Am Legend  (2007)

Iron Man  (2008)

The Incredible Hulk  (2008)

Thor  (2009)

Ocean's [Film Series]  Production Year

It’s not always worthwhile to jump on rumors like this, but the idea that Brad Pitt could be cast as The Mighty Thor in Marvel’s upcoming movie adaptation (due June 4, 2010) is too good an idea to be left alone. The word comes from Latino Review that Marvel is simply tossing the actor’s name around, though apparently the role hasn’t even been suggested, let alone offered, to Pitt.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to imagine that Pitt would be interested in playing a superhero. He’s still a big enough star and a talented enough actor that he might feel he’s above such a thing. However, if he wants to continue making great films like The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, which don’t make him much cash, he’s going to need some mainstream hits, and he could do much worse for a paycheck than wear a cape and helmet and fight evil as the Norse God of Thunder.

So, I’ve come up with five reasons for Pitt to grab Thor’s hammer. Hopefully he’ll find the list convincing.

1. Lucrative Franchise Potential - Without the security of more Ocean’s movies and the chance that your star power will wane (it’s happened to your friends and peers), now is the time to suit up for a comic book movie. It’s not like this would be that different from your only other recent hits, Troy and Mr. and Mrs. Smith, neither of which can be proven to have been successful because of you.
2. Everyone Should Try it Once - Yes, it’s the cool thing to do for actors of your generation. Your Fight Club costar Ed Norton is The Incredible Hulk, and your Less Than Zero costar Robert Downey Jr. (OK, you weren’t a star then, you only had a bit part) is Iron Man. Sure, your buddy George Clooney and your Troy costar Eric Bana might have some bad words to say about playing a superhero, and it’s easy to see how it didn’t work for either Ben Affleck or his wife. But with your clout, you could make the movie worthwhile. Surely you have the power to make sure there’s a good script and a good director on board (too bad your Snatch producer just quit the gig). You could probably (hopefully) even bring your girlfriend aboard to play Enchantress. Wouldn’t that be fun?
3. Do It For Your Kids - As Latino Review suggests, you’re probably going to want to make some movies that your children can watch, and what kid doesn’t want to see his or her dad play a superhero? Better to do something like Thor now than settle for some kind of awful male nanny part down the road.
4. It Will Actually Be Good - Superhero movies may be a dime a dozen, and none will ever be as good as any film directed by Terence Malick, or the Coens or Andrew Dominik or any of the other amazing filmmakers you’ve worked with, but as Iron Man has shown, they can be decent. And Marvel Studios is the company that’s making the best effort to produce quality comic book adaptations. Supposedly Mark Protosevich (I Am Legend) has delivered a good script, and Avi Arad is probably going to hire someone respectable to take the helm now that Vaughn is gone (perhaps you could convince David Fincher!).
5. You’re the Best Person for the Job - Don’t pass up the chance just because you might believe Marvel has a long list of actors who’d be good for Thor. Yes, they could hire any number of buff blonds, but there is nobody with the combination of looks, talent, charisma, intelligence or star power that you have. And like Downey has done with Iron Man, you can bring some of yourself to the character in order to make it fit more perfectly.

Under discussion:

Goliath  (2007)

Above: 41 seconds of psychedelic casino nightmare by the Zellner Brothers, masquerading as a promo for the CineVegas Film Festival. The Zellners’ latest feature, Goliath, will be screening at the fest in June. Several other filmmakers have made promos for the fest, including Cam Archer and Kevin Everson; see them all here.