As the financial markets pull the entire economy into utter despair, it’s difficult to think about Christmas shopping. It’s tempting to shove your life savings into your mattress and ride this thing out in a homemade bunker, but holiday shopping is more important now than ever before. I’m not saying this with the hope that a boost in retail sales will jolt the sinking markets, that will never work. Think about it, they’re racking up trillions in debt and you’re going to help by buying an iPod? Nice try.
No, the reason you need to stuff stockings like crazy is because this will be the last Christmas on Earth, at least as we know it. A trifecta of economic, nuclear, and environmental apocalypses will surely befall our poor planet in the coming year, leaving a small band of survivors to fend off death in the savage wastes of our once great world. But don’t worry! You and yours will be prepared for this dark tomorrow, if you follow our handy Post-Apocalyptic Gift Guide:
Puppy
This is a classic Christmas gift, and it’s surprising useful in a post-apocalyptic environment. While watching post-apocalyptic movies in preparation for a life wandering the ruins civilization (cf. I Am Legend, The Road Warrior, and A Boy And His Dog), you’ll notice that many heroes keep a trusty K-9. The obvious reason is companionship, as going months without seeing another human can be maddening. While dogs do need to be fed, a tough breed can eat trash and carrion that you wouldn’t go near. The right kind of dog (larger breeds are best) can also offer protection and help with hunting, assuming natural flora and fauna still exist. Lastly, and I hate to say this, Fido can even become a meal if the situation gets desperate enough.
Solar Gadget Charger
Second only to clean water, a key to survival in a post-apocalyptic environment is the ability to watch movies. Classics like Tank Girl, Six String Samurai, and The Postman offer invaluable tips for survival in the wastelands. Luckily, portable solar-power devices have become more affordable. The 30 Watt Mono-crystalline Portable Briefcase Solar Panel 12V Charger is a bit pricey, but with it’s 25+ year life-span and ability to charge not only laptops but also any other gadget that can be plugged into a car cigarette lighter, it’s a must-have. Portable game systems, rechargeable flashlights, even GPS units (assuming the satellites haven’t been shot down by invading aliens), could be used for years after the collapse of the power grid.
Towel
This one might seem odd, or even frivolous, but hear me out. The idea comes from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which was a BBC radio show, then a series of books, and finally a film in 2005. The film was tragically brief considering the amount of source material, so I’d recommend downloading the audio of the radio show to your solar-powered laptop while you still can. One piece of advice the book gives adventurers traversing the cosmos after the annihilation of Earth, is to always carry a towel. While it’s unlikely that you’ll ever get off of our doomed planet, the towel can be just as useful in the terrestrial wastes. From the book:
…[The towel] has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon…
The list of uses, including self defense and the psychological effect of seeming with-it enough to know where your towel is, goes on and on.
A Good Pair of Shoes
Shoes are a tricky gift, because the fit is so important. But if you’re planning on treading through the shattered remains of cities, you’ll want to think about arch support, ankle protection, and warmth. Hiking boots are probably a good choice, which can be expensive, but remember, these will need to last. Your next pair of shoes will probably be pulled off of a dead body, and they may not be the right size. If you’re still not convinced that navigating armageddon requires proper footwear, re-watch the final sequence from Children of Men, where Clive Owen struggles across broken glass and re-bar in bare feet. Ouch.
Hazmat Suit
This snappy Commander EX™ Brigade Level A Suit from DuPont runs about $1,900, but when it comes to avoiding the virus that wiped out the rest of humanity, you can’t put a price on safety. I tried to find the clear plastic variety that would expose your naked body and your vulnerability as a human in an unforgiving world, like the one worn by Bruce Willis in 12 Monkeys, but they seem to be unavailable.
Mailbag/Postal Uniform
In the much-maligned post-apocalyptic classic The Postman, Kevin Costner’s character finds a bag of mail and a postal uniform. When he assumes the identity of the letter-carrier, he spreads his sense of purpose and patriotism across the shattered land. The key here is really the uniform, not necessarily that it’s a mail carrier. It’s been proven that uniforms can have a profound psychological effect, both for the wearer and for those interacting with them. It’s no coincidence that General Bethlehem’s sinister Holnists have uniforms of their own, a key element to building their fledgling fascist regime. It may seem impractical, but uniforms will nevertheless be key to re-establishing order in the midst of anarchy, for better or worse.
BBC’s Planet Earth
Once you have your solar-powered laptop, you’re free to horde whatever sort of DVD collection you choose. Certainly titles that preserve a sense of the former grandeur of the world would be the jewels of any such collection. I’ve picked BBC’s stellar nature documentary series Planet Earth. This series depicts the stunning beauty and mind-boggling bio-diversity of our planet better than anything I’ve seen. While you hunker down in an abandoned meat locker to avoid the latest fallout-laden dust storm, you can watch amazing footage of the thousands of species that no longer exist, and cry yourself to sleep.
Happy Holidays!
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