Black Friday is a scary time for shoppers in any given year. The crowds, the lines, the difficulty finding parking — all these and more are common annoyances on the day after Thanksgiving, as millions upon millions of Americans begin the Christmas season by making a run for the shopping malls and department stores in hopes of finding the best bargains. This year, of course, the economic downturn will make the day even worse than usual. The stores may be desperately holding the biggest sales we’ll ever witness, but lowest prices aren’t quite low enough for those who are broke or bankrupt.
So, you may stay home this Friday. Perhaps you’ll at least make some minor online purchases, because you’re a patriotic, consuming American and it’s kind of like an unofficial holiday in our capitalist democracy. But don’t not go out to the mall simply because of the craziness potentially happening on its many floors of fashion and furnishings. You mustn’t be frightened of the crowds. Just recall any or all of the following ten movie scenes and by comparison you’ll think your Black Friday errands are like a stroll in the park.
10. Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Sinbad in Jingle All the Way (1996)
Maybe in the past there were physical fights for Cabbage Patch Kids or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, but in the age of the Internet, there are easier ways of tracking down hot items on your kid’s wish list. So, while this sequence depicting two fathers’ desperate attempts to locate a Turbo Man toy is ridiculously exaggerated and despicably malicious for its time, it’s now even farther from likelihood and even less possible to sympathize with or relate to.
9. Beethoven shops for keyboards, Genghis Khan tries out baseball bats and other historical figures experience 1980s mall culture in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1988)
Obviously you don’t think you’ll be running into such oldies as Abraham Lincoln, Joan of Arc or Billy the Kid, but there could be some relatively ancient folks out and about Friday. And they may not be familiar with such newfangled presents as iPods and Blu-ray. But give the Grannies a break, because they haven’t yet mastered Amazon.com and its not like they’re causing too much ruckus. Unlike Joan and Genghis.
8. Madison learns English at Bloomingdales in Splash (1984)
Maybe it is plausible for a mermaid to pick up the local language by watching a few hours of television. How are we to prove otherwise? But wouldn’t she have some kind of an accent if she were used to communicating with high-pitched shrieks? Whatever, it’s obviously not the movie for such questions regarding believabilty. Here’s the more important thing to consider: of all the yelling and screaming going on at the shops this Friday, nothing will be as bad as Madison’s pronunciation of her real name. Also, I bet modern TV screens aren’t as easily shattered.
7. Neo-Nazi salesman at the Army Surplus store in Falling Down (1993)
It’s true that many salespersons and cashiers are slow, rude, incompetent or all of the above. But thank goodness there aren’t actually a lot of sexist, homophobic neo-Nazis helping you as you buy shoes. As much as you think you’ve experienced the worst employee ever hired by a retail chain, chances are it wasn’t as much of an inconvenience as it was for William Foster (Michael Douglas) to have to deal with this “sick asshole.”
6. Technicolor fashion show in The Women (1939)
This scene is so unnecessary to the film’s plot that it was easily removed for some modern screenings. Mostly it seems just to serve as a showcase for costume designer Adrian, whose fashions are displayed in Technicolor, while the rest of the film is presented in black and white. For the film’s characters to wear any of those outfits, they would have appeared too bold and sexy for their time (it would be like in Pleasantville). Imagine shopping in a store where the clothes aren’t even in the same color spectrum as the world you live in? Okay, in some stores it does seem like that’s the case, but nowhere near as bad as this.
5. Bizarre fashion show in True Stories (1986)
And despite its dismissal of physics, the parade in The Women is nowhere near as bad as the fashion show in this bizarre film from Talking Heads frontman David Byrne. There’s not even anything that can be said for this scene other than that we should all be thankful the kids aren’t wearing anything quite so ridiculous. Even some of the stuff at Hot Topic seems more normal in comparison.
4. After hours shopping spree in Modern Times (1936)
One great fantasy for all good, consumerist Americans is the empty-store scenario. Whether it’s the end of the world (a la Night of the Comet and 28 Days Later) or simply after hours (Mannequin; El Crimen Ferpecto), the dream is somewhat the same: free reign on all the goods in the store, from food to fashion to roller skates. And for a poor little gamin in Modern Times, it’s like a heavenly shopping spree, even if none of the items are to leave the department store when the fun is over. However, as much as you might hope you had the stores all to yourself on Friday, be thankful that you’re obeying the rules and laws and therefore won’t be arrested when the shopping’s done.
3. Mall car chase in The Blues Brothers (1980)
Good thing there’s a quick shot of a Toys “R” Us customer asking a cashier for a Miss Piggy doll or this scene wouldn’t really have anything to do with shopping. It would just simply be a chaotic car chase through a shopping mall. Of course, the destruction could still read as a destroying of the idea of capitalism, just as a similar reading is made about the mall fight in Jackie Chan’s Police Story, as well as any other such mall-set action scene, of which there seemed to be plenty in the materialistic 1980s. As fun as it seems, and as frustrated you might get on Friday, please don’t drive your car into any stores.
2. Zombies go shopping in Dawn of the Dead (1978)
This movie is not just some horror flick about people trapped in a mall, threatened by a terrorizing enemy. That’s Chopping Mall. Or the Dawn of the Dead remake. No, this is a satire of consumerism, and all those zombies are representative of the folks you’ll be encountering on Black Friday. But at least they won’t try and eat you. Probably.
1. Richard Pryor is reduced to property in The Toy (1982)
Kids are really spoiled these days, even more than they were twenty-six years ago, but no matter how hard it is to imagine what to get the boy who has everything, don’t even think of asking an African-American man if you can buy him for your son.
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