Nerds the world over have been juggling feelings of confusion and excitement over the laundry list of projects reportedly attached to their favored son, Guillermo del Toro. The list of films he is rumored (if not confirmed) to direct and/or produce are as follows: The Hobbit, Pinocchio, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Slaughterhouse-Five, At the Mountains of Madness, The Champions, Drood, Frankenstein, Hellboy III, Hater, Crimson Peak, Dr. Strange, and a segment of a new Heavy Metal film.
Many have wondered how it’s possible to have so many irons in the fire. Is he going to shoot Frankenstein on his cell phone during the 14-hour flight from New Zealand after meeting with Peter Jackson? Is the Heavy Metal segment just going to be a deleted scene from Hellboy III? No, the truth is much more exciting. Del Toro recently lost one of his legendary sketchbooks, in which he constantly records his many ideas. We have obtained that sketchbook. Amid the detailed sketches of demons, faeries, and man-eating toads, we found the secret to his insane schedule: All thirteen aforementioned projects are actually a single film. A fantastic eight-hour epic the likes of which cinema has never seen!
The following is the pitch Mr. del Toro delivered to the executives of Universal Studios, as transcribed in his sketchbook:
The Adventures of Dr. Billy Bilocchihydstein, Re-Animated Puppet-Demon of the Shire
The film opens with a title card that reads, “Billy Bilocchihydstein has become unstuck in time.” Fade to Billy sitting alone on a crowded train, scribbling in a notebook while muttering to himself. The décor suggests it is the late nineteenth century. Exterior shots reveal the train is traveling through a foreboding mountain pass. While writing, Billy’s left hand reaches into his knapsack, seemingly of its own accord, before being snatched by the right hand. He curses himself. This struggle for self-control continues until Billy finally snatches the bag and runs to the lavatory. Once inside, he pulls out a small, unlabeled phial and frantically imbibes its contents. We watch as the small, unimposing figure transform into a huge flaming demon. Eyes alight with rage, Billy explodes from the train, savagely thrashing until the entire string of cars careens off a rail bridge to the icy valley below. The camera follows the demon as he falls, zooming in on his face. While falling he transforms into his original self, the look of rage melting into an expression of remorse and terror.
Before he hits the ground, we cut to different tight shot of Billy’s face, younger, but with a similarly distraught expression. Billy seems as surprised as we are at this sudden change of venue. The camera zooms out to reveal that while Billy’s face is full of life, his head is not attached to his body. His body, in fact, is nothing more than a pile of desiccated limbs and various parts strewn about an iron table. We see that there are two figures examining the parts. The first, an offish man, says, “Master, I got the mummified demon parts you wanted.” The second, much shorter, with hairy bare feet, a white lab coat and ruffled white hair says, “Excellent. These should do nicely. This will be the finest marionette the Shire has ever seen!”
Cut to Billy’s eyes opening. Zoom out to reveal he is on his back in a snow bank. He rises to see the burning wreckage of the train all around him. A few survivors whimper and wail, but most are dead. His remorse turns to rage as he looks to the sky and screams “Whyyyy!?!”
Inconsolable in his murderous self-hatred, the next hour of the film follows Billy as he rampages through London in his demon form. The authorities are powerless to stop him. Eventually he grows tired and retreats to the wilderness. While weeping in a cave he is visited by a glowing blue faerie. The faerie asks him what’s wrong, and Billy explains that all he really wants is to be a real hobbit, like his creator, Dr. Geppetto. Billy tells the faerie about how he engineered a serum to transform himself into a hobbit, but instead it turns him into a raging demon, and now he’s hopelessly addicted to the high. The faerie explains that he can become a real hobbit if he proves himself by being “brave, truthful, and unselfish.”
Billy sets off on a quest for self-improvement. Along the way he meets many fascinating characters, and hears word of a magical being that may be able to help him. High in a mountain cave lives Jiminidalf The Ancient One, an alien from the planet Tralfamadore who normally exists in the 12th dimension, but has taken the Earthly form of cricket. Billy finds Jiminidalf and is trained in both magical and martial arts. He gains a sense of purpose and self-control. He vows to use his demon form for good.
Throughout the film to this point, there have been intermittent cuts to an older Billy with a crowd of people in some sort of bunker. At first it’s not clear what’s going on, but eventually we see more of the scene: people are terrified, there are frequent booming noises, and large slabs of beef hang in the cool room. Billy explains to Jiminidalf that he is unstuck in time, and that in the future he will survive the firebombing of Dresden as a World War II POW, holed up in an underground meat locker. Due to his unique ability to accidentally time-travel, he frequently lapses into his future consciousness. This ads to his frustration, because while he experiences the future quite frequently, he is powerless to stop the coming terror. Jiminidalf convinces him that he is not powerless. With his newfound powers he can prevent the bombing of Dresden, save innocent lives, and spare some of the greatest architectural treasures of the Western World from destruction. He can even harness his time traveling ability and prevent the train wreck that led him down a path to madness!
In a blink Billy is in the meat locker beneath Dresden. With a renewed look of vigor in his eye, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phial. He gulps down the contents, assumes demon form, and bursts forth from the bunker. Flying on flaming wings, he zeroes in on the incoming Allied bombers. To his dismay he finds that the Allied planes are defended by a fierce dragon. Through a montage we learn that several decades ago, British archeologists uncovered a live baby dragon while excavating an ancient castle. The Royal Air Force then trained it to defend their fleet during bombing raids. The battle between the demon and the dragon rages through the burning city. Things do not look good for Billy. Bested, he resigns himself to succumb to a final deathblow from the beast. But before the final strike can land, Billy again becomes unstuck in time, in a blink his consciousness shifts back to the moment of his origin. He is once again a severed head on a table. He hears Dr. Geppetto echo his familiar refrain, “This will be the finest marionette the Shire has ever seen!” A single tear rolls down Billy’s cheek. He will never become a real Hobbit. He is forever imprisoned to his failed existence, unable to overcome his predetermined fate.
Roll credits.
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