I was reading Diablo Cody’s recent article in Entertainment Weekly about her love for Judy Blume, and started wondering why there haven’t been any movies made from anything she’s written. Earlier this summer my friend Jen Jones published a biography of Judy Blume, and when I rang her up about any Judy Blume films, she confirmed my fears: she’d been relegated to the world of made-for-TV movies and development hell.
Blume signed a multi-picture contract with Disney way back in March of 2004 (The New York Times talks about why it took so long), and since then we’ve neither seen nor heard a glimmer about the Deenie movie that was supposedly in development, nor anything about her other books. So in an effort to prime the pump, we’re going to present our top five dream casts for five of our favorite Judy Blume books. Check them out after the break.
Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
Although you might have to either figure out a way to de-age him, or make this film back in 1998, but Michael Cera would be a shoo-in for Peter Warren Hatcher. As both the narrator of the book and the subject of much torment at the hands of his brother Fudge, he’s the perfect innocent kid who never quite manages to handle (or surpass) the popularity of his turtle-swallowing sibling. Plus, we’re offering you a truly inspired CGI-tastic Superbad reunion here. Read on.
- Michael Cera as Peter Hatcher. Michael Cera, the perfect kid that everyone was (either on the inside or outside) in elementary school. Despite everything going wrong for him, you still pull for him and hope that he’ll lose his morals and sock Fudge at some point, yet he always keeps his cool. They digitally grafted Mike Myers’ head onto the body of a kid for The Love Guru…let’s make it work in a funnier movie.
- Jonah Hill as Fudge Hatcher. Likewise, remember the CGI process they used to superimpose Marlon Wayan’s face onto a midget/baby in Little Man? Yes, the movie was godawful, but the technology is almost there. If they could slap Jonah Hill’s face onto a three year old kid, then you might have something here. Cera and Hill, together again. Think about it.
- Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of Uncle Feather. He’s already played a talking bird before in Aladdin, so he’s go the chops and the annoying voice to go along with it.
Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret
My mom found this book in my backpack when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I never heard the end of it. “Boys shouldn’t be reading about these kinds of things!” But would she object so hard if it was a big Hollywood movie? Margaret’s a vulnerable, serious girl who struggles with puberty and we’d want to reach beyond the Gossip Girl crowd to get someone with real acting legs in this role. I always thought Natasha Lyonne did a great job in The Slums of Beverly Hills, which is pseudo Margaret-esque. But she’s a bit too old for the role, and also she went nuts awhile back.
- Georgie Henley as Margaret. She’s only 13 years old, so it wouldn’t be a huge stretch for her to pass as eleven. She’s also cute as a button, but can look pretty darn serious when she needs to, like during long conversations with God. So far she’s only been in the Narnia films, but she’ll need to shake the stigma of Lucy sometime, and this would certainly do it.
- Madeline Martin as Nancy. Martin plays the darkly goth and starkly serious Becca Moody on Showtime’s Californication, and she’s got the chops to play Nancy as well. We’d like to see her as a slightly more outgoing teenage who befriends Margaret, and becomes one of her closest confidantes. Plus, she’s the perfect poster girl for pre-teen angst.
Blubber
Long before there was Mean Girls, Blubber tread the territory of bitchy girls in elementary school (forget high school, these kids start early), and showed us how to handle a bully. Plus, in the day and age of positive body image and embracing one’s true self, corporations would fall all over themselves for marketing campaigns, tie-ins, and advertising for this one. Entire lines of Blubber clothing for plus-sized girls, Blubber-Size It! fast food promotions, and more.
- Allie Grant as Linda. She’s young, she’s funny, she’s charming, and she’s already been playing a plus-sized model on Weeds, so she’d be perfect as the weight-challenged Linda. Not that any young girl wants to fill out her resume by playing a character nicknamed “Blubber,” but she’d be great for it.
- Dakota Fanning as Wendy. Dakota’s all grown up now, and she’s primed to shed that “gee-whiz-look-how-cute-I-am” image. I can’t think of a better way for her to do that than playing a bitchy teenager who gets her kicks making fun of chubby kids and slinging racial slurs.
- Abigail Breslin as Jill. Little Miss Sunshine isn’t so sunny when she’s bashing Linda as one of Wendy’s lackeys. But she stands up to Wendy and her bitchiness and changes her ways, which makes her the most dynamic character in the book. This movie needs the audience to root for the little girl who could, and Abigail brings a bucketful of charisma that’s perfectly suited.
Forever
High school teenagers are just as obsessed with sex today as they were in 1975 when Blume first published this book. How many different ways can we follow a character while they hope to lose their virginity? It’s easy when the characters are touching, and one of them has named his penis Ralph.This book has often been banned from libraries for being too racy (along with several other Blume book) but it confronts both sex and relationships in a straightforward way that doesn’t talk down to teenagers.
- Emma Watson as Katherine. Emma, it’s high time you shed the image of yourself as Hermione Granger, because that Harry Potter wellspring is going to dry up soon. What not in the part of a young girl losing her virginity? There won’t be a magic spell, broomstick, or flagon of pumpkin juice in sight, and audiences would love to see her in something new.
- Michael Cera as Michael. He’s so perfect that we’re making a major listicle faux pas by putting him to use twice in this list. It’s virtually impossible not to think of Michael Cera in this role, because he’s both innocent and goofy at the same time. He gets to show off his charming side while he woos Katherine, and then his emotional side when she dumps him. Plus, I could easily buy him naming his penis Ralph. Done deal.
Deenie
Yet another banned Blume book, this time because it talks about teenage girls-*gasp*-masturbating, and features more frank talk about menstruation. Deenie is another foray into the world of sex and relationships for Blume, with slightly younger characters than Forever. Plus it has great family drama, with the mother pushing the brainy sister to be academic, while at the same time grooming Deenie to be a model.
- Flora Cross as Deenie: She’s 15 years old, which almost puts her on target. She’s a great actress without being all Hollywood glam, and did a good job with drama in Bee Season. She also loves Bette Davis…which is a terrifically odd choice for someone her age. We salute that.
- Ellen Page as Helen: Deenie’s older sister is the brains in the family, and her mother keeps pushing her to be a lawyer or a doctor. Put some librarian glasses on Page, and you’ve got a braniac older sister with charm, who manages to woo a boy in the family business.
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Every week Kevin Kelly will look at different writers whose books should be turned into films, films that were much better as books, or books that should never be turned into films upon pain of death. We’ll also talk about book to movie trends and deals if anything interesting happens. If you have ideas for future Hollywood + Books columns, let us know in the comments.
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