Two quotes just popped out of my feed reader and clubbed me over the head; when I came to, I recalled a couple of other soundbites from my week in LAFF that sort of seem related. First, from David Poland’s eye-roll at “Tom & Jerry On Crack cartoon” Wanted:
Wanted is more like the last of big budget porn, throwing around endless style along with massive fake boobs and enough smoke to choke a Scott. Guys still get off on it - guys can get off on anything that tells them it wants to get them off - but one simply has to wonder, “Doesn’t anyone just f*** anymore?”
We’ll get back to that. First, a digression…
When I was at LAFF, I met an famous gay filmmaker at a party, and he started cattily joking about how a certain extremely famous married actor and actress are always going on shows like Letterman and bragging about how they “love to have heterosexual sex.” The filmmaker said this couple had to be covering for one another’s secret gay life, because no one who is actually having heterosexual sex uses the phrase “heterosexual sex” to talk about it.
The actress in question is, totally coincidentally, a costar in Diane English’s much-feared remake of The Women, for which Nikki Finke says she singlehandedly convinced Warner Brothers to quadruple their marketing budget. Her reasoning as to why an extra $20 million or so of ads is going to pay off:
Forget about the merits of the movie: there’s potential for box office moolah stirred up by some savvy Sex-exploiting, Even if the movie is no good, it could reach SATC’s two-quadrant audience with ad slogans like: “If you loved Sex And The City, then you need to see The Women who started it all.” … I bet women eager for another pic about female friendships and upscale lifestyles and urban sex will open The Women for a $20+M weekend.
Ah, the old “bad sex is better than no sex at all,” argument. Might be more feasible if English herself hadn’t, just days before at LAFF, a) implicated herself as Finke’s top informant, and b) announced that her back-up plan for the film involves the sloppy math-dependent invention of a “fifth quadrant” for gay men.
So the boys get their porn, the girls get theirs, and if they decide they’ve already had enough this summer, gay men will be graciously offered the scraps. Everywhere you look, Hollywood’s asking us to shout our heterosexual impulses from the rooftops––or at least, funnel them into the box office, “even if the movie is no good.” To answer David Poland’s question: no, I don’t think they do.
Related: the TCM newsletter that just arrived in my inbox informs that the original The Women will be airing on the cable channel at 10pm EST tomorrow night. Preview it above.
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