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  • Final Destination 2 - Darkness Falls

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    The creators of the Final Destination franchise understand that a threat is scarier when it can't be seen--but that doesn't stop them from littering their sets with creepities. Spooky spiders, weird dolls, and scary frickin' clowns dot the landscape of Part 2 just as short-circuiting clocks and freak masks decorated the original, knee-jerking you into expecting bad things to happen even though there's not a villain in sight.

    Bad things do happen, of course. Final Destination 2's framework is nearly identical to its predecessor's: Kimberly (A.J. Cook) is driving her friends to Florida for a vacation when she has a premonition of a fiery wreck while about to get on the freeway. As she snaps to and starts seeing the chain of imagined events happening for real--bum at car window, "Highway to Hell" on radio (John Denver works only with plane crashes)--Kimberly pulls across an on-ramp and tells her friends what she saw while impatient drivers line up behind her. Seconds later, said fiery wreck occurs, and because Kimberly has stepped out of the car to talk to a police officer, she's safe when an errant truck plows into her friends.

    Both Final Destinations turn on the idea that if you interrupt "death's design" by, say, showing up late for your date with destiny, your time is still imminent--and you'd better do something about that overloaded outlet. But whereas the first film knocked off the kids who left a doomed plane before takeoff in the order in which they would have died in the air, FD2 screws with the template to get a little more meta: Everyone who gets saved by Kimberly's freakout on the road was in some way affected by the post-plane-crash deaths from a year earlier--for example, one woman didn't make it to a hotel whose guests were suffocated by a faulty heating system because she was on the bus that ran over the first movie's token blonde. These fateful connections are made for the audience with the help of Clear Rivers (a fully grown-up Ali Larter), the sole survivor of the first Final Destination, who is barely recognizable as one pissed-off mental patient who thinks it's, like, so annoying that Death is making her hide out in a padded cell.

    Despite the many scripters' best efforts to be clever, though, the story eventually collapses under the weight of its own convolutions. Creepy mortician William (Tony Todd) returns to give cryptic advice about new life being the only thing capable of stopping death, which turns into a quest to find a pregnant woman who would have died in the crash and leads one character to yell, "We have to find her to tell her to stay away from the lake so she can stay alive long enough to have the baby!" Even if you're initially along for the ride, the seriousness with which the characters deliver such lines will eventually have you rolling your eyes--as will Clear's oft-repeated "What did you see!?!" (Kimberly, kind of lamely, has visions instead of figuring things out by herself, as her FD1 predecessor did.)

    What FD2 manages brilliantly, however, is the buildup of tension. The fakeouts are frequent and often funny, such as the scene in which a marked adolescent watches wide-eyed from a dentist's chair while a nitrous oxide tank malfunctions--leaving him unable to remove a colorful plastic fish that has fallen from the ceiling into his mouth. The kills are even more complicated than in the first installment, and each scene, regardless of whether casualties ensue, is set up to make an everyday situation look like a deathtrap. And though the gore is excessive, it's most often effectively played for laughs: One victim manages to escape his apartment after his hand is caught in a garbage disposal, his microwave explodes, and an oil fire starts on his stove, only to be impaled by a malfunctioning fire-escape ladder--and he even has a couple of close-but-not-quite calls with that.

    It should come as no surprise that director David R. Ellis has a longer resume as a stuntman than a filmmaker. Or that he's wrong when he writes, "[T]he action isn't carrying the film, the story is." The sharper-written, self-parodic Scream series did the jokey-horror genre better. Still, the second chapter of Final Destination more than proves you don't need a dude in a costume to scare the bejesus out of people.

     

    For those who prefer their evil personified, meet the villain from Darkness Falls: A Frederique Krueger who looks part-bat, part-spider in the shadows of night and possesses one fine set of pipes. Her vocal talents fill the background with a variety of scary noises--sometimes catlike, more often ratlike, and with a touch of South Park's pink Christina Aguilera bug thrown in for good measure. She comes after you in only the dark, and when she does, be prepared for the worst: For once she gets her claws in you, she...picks you up and drops you.

    This source of horror, ladies and gentleman, is the Tooth Fairy.

    Even if novelist Graham Joyce has proved that centering a modern-day horror story on a character whose name includes the word "Fairy" can be a good idea, the creators of Darkness ensure that their movie falls on its face from the very beginning. The film opens with a girl sneaking into a boy's house and giving him a nice open-mouthed kiss, yet precedes that with a discussion of his losing a baby tooth. Young Caitlin is played by 14-year-old Emily Browning, and her expert lip-locking and post-kiss comment--"the first time shouldn't taste like blood"--make her one worldly preteen. Thank God she doesn't stick around to witness 10-year-old Kyle (Joshua Anderson) whine to his mother, "I peeked!" after he catches a glimpse of the bogeywoman. Cowards are such a turnoff.

    Twelve years later, Kyle and Caitlin (now Chaney Kley and Emma Caulfield), who were separated when Kyle was put in a state hospital after his apparent murder of his mother, are reunited when Caitlin's young sibling Michael (newcomer Lee Cormie) is hospitalized for lack of sleep, telling weird stories and refusing to stay in the dark. Troubled Kyle takes a break from pill-popping (a laughably flashy scene of his daily distribution--with quick zooms toward prescription labels reading, "FOR DEPRESSION" as death metal plays in the background--subtly lets us in on Kyle's problems) to reassure Michael that the Tooth Fairy is bullshit--though he himself believes it can't hurt to have a dozen flashlights within reach at all times.

    Darkness relies on cheap scares to titillate, working standbys such as loud noises and tomcats jumping on car hoods when a future victim is behind the wheel. Though director Jonathan Liebesman could be credited with applying a light touch when it comes to showing his baddie, the decision was most likely made for less-than-commendable reasons: The thing looks absolutely ridiculous. And exactly how the Tooth Fairy kills is anyone's guess: Always hovering near the ceiling, she lifts her victims and briefly thrashes them around before letting them fall to the floor.

    At a slight 76 minutes--even kids' films last longer nowadays--Darkness Falls is a quick-cutting mess of questions, with flashes of confusing action implying things too stupid (I mean scary) to look at. And Buffy the Vampire Slayer transplants Kley and Caulfield are utterly devoid of intensity--Kley in particular spectacularly mishandles such gimme lines as "Turn this car around now!" It doesn't take long for even the easy frights to lose their bite, and as far as the central menace is concerned--well, let's just say that some evil entities have faces made for radio.

  • A Guy Thing

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    A Guy Thing  (2002)

    A sweatered, stuttering Jason Lee trying to carry a movie all by his lonesome is not a pretty sight. A Guy Thing is proof that Lee--clearly misguided in taking another schmuck-fiance role after Stealing Harvard--needs a little help: Whether supported by a smartass (Ben Affleck) or a dumbass (Tom Green), Lee is at his best when he has someone with a little personality to play off of. In A Guy Thing, that person is supposed to be a quirkified Julia Stiles, but the only thing interesting about her undercooked character is her flippy hair.

    The story is based on the post-bachelor-party confusion of Paul (Lee), who wakes up next to tiki girl Becky (Stiles) despite being very much in love with his betrothed, Karen (Selma Blair). The fun starts when Paul keeps running into Becky--he should have known better; they do live in small-town Seattle--and discovers that she's Karen's cousin. The lies that follow as Paul tries to figure out what happened revolve around crabs, dirty women's underwear, and diarrhea, and the so-called spark between Paul and Becky is most fully displayed when she talks him into jumping his car on a hilly road. ("I just never thought I'd do anything like that!" he marvels.)

    Scripter Greg Glienna (Meet the Parents) didn't bother developing any of his characters--which leaves the film's usually competent actors with nothing to grab on to: We know that Karen is wonderful because everyone keeps saying so, that Becky is a free spirit because she keeps changing jobs, and that Paul is in the wrong relationship because he, uh, has to keep lying about the woman he spent the night with, I guess. The at-the-altar moment of truth is mildly amusing, if only for Larry Miller's part as a Paul-hating minister; the ending is a surprise, if only for of the rest of the movie's completely haphazard plot development. Unless you're familiar with Lee's better work, you'll probably leave the theater with the same view of the man some preteen girls at my showing expressed after Paul giddily flew his car over the hill a second time: "Dork!"


  • Kangaroo Jack

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    Kangaroo Jack  (2002)

    Let's get this out of the way up front: The kangaroo raps. There are many low points in Kangaroo Jack, as one might expect, but the moment "Rapper's Delight"--yes, Granny's jam of choice in The Wedding Singer--came out of the sunglass-wearing Jack's mouth in postproduction, someone should have taken away Jerry Bruckheimer's wallet.

    The kangaroo isn't in many scenes, but when Jack is onscreen with his red hoodie on, hiphop in the background--apparently, this 'roo has flava--the movie is every bit as bad as you'd think. Happily, the rest of it isn't. Kangaroo Jack focuses on its two human embarrassments, Charlie (Jerry O'Connell) and Louis (Anthony Anderson), who became friends after Louis saved Charlie's life when they were kids. The problem is--and I bet you couldn't see this coming--crazy Louis keeps calling strait-laced Charlie on that ultimate favor and getting him into all kinds of trouble! And thus Kangaroo Jack begins: Louis needs help delivering a few stolen TVs in a stolen van, multiple wrecks ensue, and the duo lead the feds to a warehouse belonging to Charlie's stepfather, mob boss Sal (Christopher Walken). Sal is clearly displeased (you can tell--he's Christopher Walken) and sends the two off to Australia to make a delivery of $50,000 in cash as punishment. After Charlie runs over a kangaroo, Louis puts his jacket, money in the pocket, on the seemingly dead animal to pose it for pictures...and you know what happens next.

    Kangaroo Jack suffers from many ailments, especially an excess of violence and awful jokes. The normally full-on-smarmy O'Connell, however, has flashes of comedic ability when he's acting playful instead of smug, and Anderson, who will most likely be stuck in bubbly-best-friend mode for a while, adequately reprises his role from films such as See Spot Run and Two Can Play That Game and does his best to infuse charm into his oh-no! lines. If the many cartoonish crashes skirt the lines of kid-friendliness, this PG-rated flick throws all appropriateness out the window about three-quarters of the way through, with a stupefying waterfall scene in which cute-animal breeder Jessie (Estella Warren) bathes and then gets hot 'n' bothered over Charlie, whom she's helping to recover what she believes is merely $4,000. Then again, this romantic development eventually pays off: Jessie's dead-serious "You lied to me!" when the two are tied up by the bad guys looking for their 50 G's is easily the movie's biggest laugh.


  • National Security

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    National Security is something of a landmark: a movie whose trailers keep its best jokes secret. Not only that, but the seemingly tired gags that the misfired marketing campaign does reveal are improved a thousand times over in context. Martin Lawrence, who briefly lost his touch with the clunkers What's the Worst That Could Happen? and Black Knight, and failed to draw box office with the decent Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat, likely has another hit to add to the resume with this buddy-security-guard movie, which proves that been-there genres can still be entertaining in the right hands. (And even that's a surprise--who'd expect director Dennis Dugan to have a pitch-perfect comedy in him after Saving Silverman?)

    Lawrence plays Earl Montgomery, a wannabe cop who gets thrown out of the police academy for being a little too silly and way too overzealous. While trying to get his keys out of his locked car one day, he's approached by Officer Hank Rafferty (Steve Zahn), whose questioning trips Earl's racial-indignation wire, leading to mutual arrests (one of the citizen's variety) and a bystander-captured video of Hank furiously swatting a bee away from the allergic Earl. From afar, of course, this insect-induced flailing looks like white-on-black assault, and Hank ends up getting kicked off the force and spending six months in prison (in solitary, which he invites by punching guards in the face to avoid the much-harsher fate of dealing with black inmates who know what he's in for). Both Hank and Earl wind up as security guards for the same company and spend the rest of the movie working through their hatred of each other as they crack the case of illegal goings-on at a warehouse Earl guards.

    Sounds awful, right? As predictable as the broad strokes may be, the beauty here is in the details: Zahn plays his redneck-looking straight man minus the all-knowing-asshole bent; Lawrence brings so much childlike enthusiasm and--more important--actual competence to all things enforcement-related that his never-ending railing on the plight of the black man floats right along with his silly siren noises instead of getting weighted down in genre-inappropriate anger. Aside from a strangely serious opening sequence, Dugan flows National Security perfectly, balancing plot-advancing scenes with goofy asides and wrapping up at just the right moment. Earl may spend most of the movie asking "What the problem is?" of the exasperated people forced to deal with him, but at least as far as the audience is concerned, there isn't one.


  • Just Married

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    Just Married  (2003)

    Ashton Kutcher is not the only element Just Married borrows from That '70s Show: Brittany Murphy, in a hapless attempt to show her character's puppy love, appears to spend the entire movie stoned. She giggles maniacally whenever her dopey new husband, Tom (Kutcher), whacks his head or knocks something over or calls her mother by her given name, Pussy. This incessant tittering is the only sign of attraction between the two stars, and it effectively dispels the film's notion that theirs was a "perfect relationship ruined by marriage." (Given that the two are dating in real life, their lack of onscreen sizzle suggests that they are possibly the worst actors ever.)

    Just Married, predictably, is no better than its trailer, offering plenty of bad physical comedy as regular-guy Tom--a radio traffic reporter--and Sarah (Murphy)--a writer, according to synopses, though there's no onscreen indication she's anything but a rich couple's precious daughter--come to the conclusion that Life Is Hard when their fantasy honeymoon doesn't proceed as smoothly as their courtship. Of course, the audience isn't really shown proof of this match made in heaven, merely a glimpse of Tom and Sarah's meet-cute--surprise! he konks her in the head with a football--and their torturous small talk afterward.

    But if convincing narrative isn't really the strong suit of screenwriter Sam Harper (Rookie of the Year) and director Shawn Levy (Big Fat Liar), neither is just letting the jokes fly: The only decent gag involves the new couple's car rental (Tom responds to Sarah's assertion that "this is a European compact" with "No, this is a Ringling Bros. compact"). The many that fail do serve a purpose, though: revealing that Kutcher isn't quite ready to graduate from dude to hubby, and that Murphy is much more adept at voicing a drawling Luanne on King of the Hill than portraying a twittering newlywed on the big screen. At least someone's laughing. 


  • Worst of 2002

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    Super Troopers  (2001)

    Big Trouble  (2002)

    Slackers  (2002)

    Rollerball  (2002)

    Jason X  (2002)

    fear dot com  (2002)

    Blue Crush  (2002)

    Let's pretend for a moment that movies such as Snow Dogs and The Hot Chick don't exist. The Washington City Paper tried to this year, devoting coverage to films that seemed a little more worthy, a little less my-cousin-in-law wrote-a-script-ish, and therefore spared me hours of boredom. But just as parents can't ever fully protect their kids from the bad people of the world, my editors couldn't save me from all of the bad movies of 2002. Here's an abbreviated list of bottom-scrapers that Oscar will snub for a bunch of very good reasons:

    Rollerball: There's a subtext of international conspiracy and a point at which things inexplicably go green--though you might assume it's just your reaction to watching two-years-running worst-of-lister Chris Klein.

    Big Trouble: A Get Shorty wannabe with airport bombs, a Martha Stewart-headed dog, and not a trace of Dave Barry's humor--which is odd, given that it's based on a Dave Barry novel.

    Slackers: High-school love goes simultaneously psychotic and boring, and a 71-year-old Mamie Van Doren gets a sponge bath from creepy Jason Schwartzman.

    Blue Crush: Professional competitor, professional girlfriend: Surfer Anne Marie shows young women what girl power is all about when a potential suitor says "I love you" with cash.

    Hey Arnold! The Movie: Not even a football-headed cartoon character can make gentrification funny, though I imagine D.C. theaters were packed.

    Jason X: Actresses from the WB battle the masked one--circa 2455, postcryogenic freezing, and in space. In space!

    Kung Pow! Enter the Fist: It's hard to understand why a movie that tried out comedy both old (bad Asian-flick dubbing!) and new (a cow that fights with its udders! a one-boobed woman!) just wasn't funny. Hmmm.

    feardotcom: Aug. 30, 2002 -- Google breaks down as audiences around the country tap "fear site" into their Palm Pilots, hoping for a quick death.

    40 Days and 40 Nights: Josh Hartnett has battled Somalians. He's battled the Japanese. Here he battles...his penis. After watching him make locker-room talk dull, even Noah would advise Hartnett to keep his pants on.

    Super Troopers: A cop comedy bad enough to make Steve Guttenberg look good.

 

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