Dollar Video Curator

Under discussion:

Against All Odds  (1984)

Dirty Dancing  (1987)

The Karate Kid Part II  (1986)

Pretty in Pink  (1986)

Footloose  (1984)

"If You Leave" by OMD - From: "Pretty in Pink"

What teenager can't imagine the heartbreaking, beautiful sadness of only being allowed one more night, for whatever cruel, cruel reason.

Never mind the blatant contradiction of OMD, singing in one line that they won't let go of us at any price, and then quicker that you can exhale a deep, soft shuddery sigh of resignation to stay, they're stating they'll be running in the other direction the second our feet hit the pavement. Those New Wave British Synth-Pop groups are all the same.

"Against All Odds" by Phil Collins - From "Against All Odds"

There is something just absolutely irresistible about Phil Collins' sad-sack honesty in this song. "I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You're the only one who really knew me at all."

It's so weepily pathetic you just want to wrap him up in a blanket, share a cup of hot cocoa and have well deserved, long-needed cry with him. Misery loves company after all. But when Phil belts these last lines out, "Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here, and you coming back to me is against all odds, it's the chance I've gotta take," it's time to sit him down and explain the cold hard reality of the situation to him. Poor guy.

"Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera - From: "The Karate Kid Part II"

"Just like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago, just in time I will save the day, take you to my castle far away."

Despite the terrifying image that this line creates, one of Peter Cetera racing toward us, feathered hair a-flying, on a grand white steed, whilst sheathed in heavy armor, this song really cuts right into your heart. And he so earnestly and intensely stares right into the camera here, nay, into your soul.

And regardless of his being so creepily intense, you know that Peter just really and truly believes in the power of lyrics such as these: "You'll keep me standing tall. You'll help me through it all. I'm always strong when you're beside me. I have always needed you. I could never make it alone.?"

And maybe the only reason he is sometimes off putting is just because you love him so much that you can genuinely imagine him whispering, "I am a man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you're dreaming of. We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love," in you ears while he makes to you sweet, sweet, creepy, love.

"She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze - From: "Dirty Dancing"

Yet another candid, solemn set of deep feelings set to the power of the written and sung word. But these are so especially special, because they are both written and sung by our very favorite Video Curator hero, Mr. Patrick Swayze.

Powerful and simple, yet cheesily artful, and of course set to the video of Dirty Dancing. The reason this song is so deeply loved, is in part, because of such bold statements, "I look in the mirror and all I see, is a young old man with only a dream. Am I just fooling myself that she'll stop the pain? Living without her, I'd go insane!"

YES - you know you've been there. Patrick is a simple man, speaking simple words of truth, directed at your ear drum with the power and authority of cupid's brutal arrow. If you even attempt to claim you've never thought you'd go insane without a certain other's love and affection you will hence be banned from the soothing, healing light of all things touched by Patrick Swayze.

"Almost Paradise" by Mike Reno & Anne Wilson - From: "Footloose"

"And in your arms salvation's not so far away, it's getting closer, closer every day! Almost paradise, we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more"?

How indeed. Well, what's missing? Why have they not reached paradise yet, we listeners may wonder?

For these two we can only assume this song is referring to early-stage relationship, sexual encounters. You too, can relate. The elation and excitement of the first couple times, but maybe you are not quite comfortable enough to, how do you say, "Cross the threshold"?

"I thought that dreams belonged to other men, cuz each time I got close they'd fall apart again," says Mike. And in response says Anne, "I faced the nights alone. Oh how could I have known, that all my life I only needed you"? To which they both reply in swelling synchronicity, "Oooh almost paradise we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more"?

In short, a song of hope; of sexual honesty. We're rooting for you two kids. Take heart, and keep on trying. That orgasm will come. So to speak.

According to film (which would never lie to us) there is at least a 50/50 chance that at some point in your life you may become the victim of a forced, accidental or even purposeful body snatch or switch. As you know, the result of this is your brain/soul becoming switched or shared with the brain/soul of a foreign body. In case of a body-switch emergency, this quick and easy guide will show you how to not only deal, but completely and gracefully overcome the adventure in a 90 to 120 minute window filled with hilarity and heartfelt meaning.

1. Realization

It all starts upon waking from a deep sleep, a slow-mo sequence involving your ghostly essence being lifted out of your body and implanted elsewhere or brief knock to the head. First of all, relax. In most cases, you will come to realize your situation by seeing a face other than your own in the mirror, hearing a strange voice talking to you in your brain or coming out of your mouth, suddenly recognizing things in a house you have never been in before, or by having flashbacks to situations you have never been in, including the imagining of your girlfriend’s mother, 20 years younger, in the sack.

2. Acceptance

You must quickly accept this situation as inevitable to keep the plot moving along. But rest assured you are in good company. Did you know the likes of Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Jody Foster, Robert Downey Jr., and Cory Feldmen, have all been either mistaken or unwitting victims of a body switch?

Once you accept your situation you must decide whether to keep your new body or immediately try to get out of it. Perhaps you are a 13 year old boy who suddenly has a man-sized johnson with a CEO’s earning potential to match. You may consider staying in your new big body for a while, but know this: if things were that easy, everyone would wish to be “big” on a Zoltar machine. Either way, you will, in most cases, end up having get out of your fake body, so keep this in mind through your adventures.

PS – If you are not “sure” whose body you inhabit, it is a good rule of thumb to not have sex, with anyone, under any circumstances. You never know…

3. Convincing others

Tricky, and in most cases, unnecessary, but each case must be judged on its own merits. You may require the help of another in your switch-back, particularly if you are one in the “cheating death” category, and have recently employed a holy man of generic middle eastern decent.

This is one of the easiest steps however. If you do need to convince someone of your alien-brain to hasten your switch-back, all you need is to display a random personal quirk or share a secret that only you, in your unique position could know, but something that is extremely unlikely that your host body would ever know.

4. Atonement

There is likely a perfectly good reason why you are in your current predicament, and this is also likely very obvious the entire audience. Try not to take it too personal that your bumbling and confusion in this matter, while embarrassing to you, is entertaining to them. If you didn’t want to make an ass of yourself for the amusement of others, you really should have gone into another line of business.

Now, there are usually only a few explanations for your predicament; that this is some sort of personal failure on your part, hence, your needed atonement. Likely reasons include:

a. Greed (Want to be older, younger or avoid death)

b. Important lesson to be learned from person you are switched with, likely due to severe egomania on your part

c. You are dead

If you are dead, try not to take it too personal. This is usually some kind of whimsical plot devise that has the audience either knowingly chortling or wiping away a bitter-sweat tear.

Your personal failings may be hard to accept, but you are going to have to suck it up and deal for the good of the plot. The reason for your switch will become obvious to you through a natural progression of events, and is directly related to your path of atonement. It is important for you to completely accept the reason for your switch, and right those wrongs. This is a life changing experience for you, look beyond the superficial, and confront the very darkness of your own inner workings. And stop tormenting that old man down the street.

5. Post-switch back behavior

Once you have righted any wrongs and/or received a token swift kick to the ass of your ego, you will be switched back to your original body. You are expected to react with overwhelming gratefulness, heightened appreciation of your original situation and the people around you followed by a respectful humbleness. You have just been through a very trying ordeal, but it is important to remember the deep life lesson that you have been taught, without being too haughty about it. You are now a little bit wiser, try and keep it that way.

For further instruction, recommended viewing includes: Chances Are, All of Me, Freaky Friday (1976), Big, Dream a Little Dream

Under discussion:

Dave  (1993)

The American President  (1995)

Air Force One  (1997)

Idiocracy  (2006)

Patriotism lives in our heart of hearts, after all. And in honor of what the US Presidency should be, or at least, should aspire to be, here is a list of fictional film Presidents who, for all their faults, are still better than our current White House Resident-Evil.

The American President – President Andrew Shepherd’s major flaw is horniness. Lonely widower wants to make time with a hotty environmental lobbyist. And what’s wrong with that? Well, Americans like their Presidents either in sexless marriages or completely virginal, for one, and opposition Senator Rumsom really knows how to hit below the belt. He attacks the Prez on the grounds of moral corruption, and the lady on the ground of “Grand Slut-itude” with the usual right-wing flourish for keeping sex in the headlines and on the minds of the very American People who claim to abhor it. But President Shepherd knows there’s what’s right and there’s what’s right, and sticking up for his lady rather than siding with the Phantom Moral American Electorate, despite his poll numbers, makes him the bigger man in the end.

Air Force One – It’s fairly hard to find any weakness in Harrison Ford’s portrayal of the ass-kicking President James Marshall, save one, and it’s a big one: He NEGOTIATES WITH THE TERRORISTS!! The first rule of American Presidenting, the very first thing they teach in Presidenting 101, is that, We the American People NEVER Negotiate with Terrorists. Unfortunately, President Marshall breaks that rule here when under duress, to save his daughter’s life. Huh. But do we hold that against him, when looking upon his administration’s legacy within the historical context of the film? No, because he made up for it in spades by kicking ass in major ways, killing the bad guys, the bad guys helpers, and saving the day.

Dave – This guy really puts our current “leader” to shame. He is everything that W claims to be, just a normal, beer-drinking kind of guy with a no-nonsense view of the world, and simplistic solutions to complex policy problems. The difference? Dave actually solves the problems, explains the issues with clever antidotes, and gets his cabinet to agree to self-explanatory, meaningful budget cuts for the greater good of furthering actual policy. We suspect the fact that Dave has a 5^th grader’s command of the English language is giving him a bit of a unfair advantage when in direct comparison to George, so maybe we are bit being a bit unfairly biased here. But P.S., he's not even really the president, and he still does a better job.

Idiocracy – There is no better way to describe the smack-down awesomeness of President Camacho than as evidenced by his State of the Union speech: “Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit. I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now.” He knows how to sway a crowd, speak moronically to the masses, pass blame around a room and make plenty of empty promises. Well then, how is he better than Bush you might ask? Simple. He admits when he is wrong. He may have condemned Secretary of the Interior Not Sure to death for failure to fix “all the shit’s that’s fucked up,” but when he finds out that Not Sure in fact, DID fix up all that shit, he stopped the public execution by Extreme Monster Truck Elimination. Now that’s the kind of president we want in our corner. Ding!

Conclusion: Needless to say, there is hardly anything earth shattering being stated here. At this point, anyone, from the idealistically- portrayed, Hollywood movie characters, all the way down the line to that guy outside our office eating the last quarter of week-old burrito from a trash can, would do a better job than our W.

Only 17 months to go…

Under discussion:

Thelma & Louise  (1991)

Tombstone  (1993)

But will your friends kill for you? A lot? Willingly die? Maybe you haven't had a chance to put that one to the test yet. The Curator begs to question, does sex matter? Let's find out.

The Films: Thelma and Louise, Tombstone

Viewing order importance: Either will do, but recommended as above. Because the Curator says so.

Thelma and Louise: A fine example of chic-flickiness, directed by Ridley Scott. Yes, Ridley Scott, with a plethora of wonderful co-stars that the Curator will resist writing about as we are wont to sometimes do. Abusive men and monotonous jobs set these 2 off on a date with destiny. Everything packed? Well let's see, scarves, sunglasses, fishing net, gun....wait GUN? Thelma what are you doing with that? Uh oh, here comes trouble.

These ladies were just out for a bit of fun, some good Ol’ Fashioned Honky Tonk Bar Dancing fun. But it's a good thing that gun is handy when Thelma almost gets raped in the parking lot, inspiring the birth of....the Toxic-Shock Avengers!! Females on the run, and ready to take no shit. Louise is ready to kill a man with his pants around his ankles in Alabama for her friend. That takes some ovaries. So what else will a girl do for another?

Well Thelma finally gets laid proper by the torso known as Brad Pitt, but that sneak steals all of Louise's money. Fucker! So to make up for it, Thelma turns to armed robbery. Not bad, not bad. But THEN! Thelma stuffs a cop in the trunk for Louise, and they both take on the gross truck-driving tongue guy. They've officially found their crime niche, and are pretty bad ass by now. But hunted. "How many times will they have to get screwed over?" muses our Harvey Keitel, one of only 2 friendly man types in this film? In the final fateful standoff, they decide to die together, rather than be taken alive. Thelma suggests, Louise agrees, a kiss, a hand grasp and off the cliff we go. Damn, that's tough ladies.

Tombstone: Already filled with manly comments such as "I'm your huckleberry," "Skin it," "Pull out that smoke wagon," and "Wyatt Earp is my friend," one wonders how much better it can get. Let us see how far man will go for other man.

First you've got the brothers, perennial co-stars Sam Elliott and Bill Paxton, who schlep their wives out to Arizona to be with brother Wyatt, and then you've got Val Kilmer, pre-facial mole removal, and glittery with laboring sweat as the fabu Doc Holliday. And all are be-decked with mustache. We are off to a grand beginning.

It's all fun and games at the start, boys making money, bonding over barroom drinks with the wives tucked safely at home, slowly addicting themselves to Opium. But when they need a "new sheriff in town," the brothers have a rift. Co-stars feel it's their duty, but Wyatt doesn't want to get involved. He reluctantly does when the cowboys are waiting for some man-slaughter at the OK Corral. Step up, Mr. Holliday. He is always ready to die for Wyatt. When Wyatt tells him its not his concern Doc says "That is a hell of a thing for YOU to say to ME." Well.

Gun fire craziness and the battle is won, but those cowboys are out for revenge. Kill Bill, maim Sam, and the wives are out of there. That leaves Wyatt, Doc and some cowboy defectors to close this deal. When it comes to the final showdown, Wyatt knows he can't beat that crazy Ringo. To save his friend Doc pulls himself out of his lunger bed, bleeding from the mouth, and finishes that guy off with the quickest gun-pull that side of the mighty Miss. We consider this quite a feat, considering the Curator can hardly get out up out of a chair after smoking a couple cigarettes. In the end, Doc is only taken out by the TB, after sending Wyatt off to his unending happiness.

Conclusion: It doesn't appear that sex matters much in the “willing to die for your friend category.” It could be just the circumstances, or the timing. The moral is, if you have that friend, the one you think will step up, hang on tight to that sweaty, scarf-sporting, gun-toting maniac. You never know when you're gonna need them.

Under discussion:

The Breakfast Club  (1985)

Crocodile Dundee  (1986)

Desperately Seeking Susan  (1985)

Examples you ask? But of course! The three most important lessons of the successful love affair can be learned, right here, from:

The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Crocodile Dundee

Lesson 1 - You CAN TOO Change Someone (The Breakfast Club)

Stereotypes are very easy to overcome. High school cliques are only as powerful as the kids who believe in them, so let's break down these walls! All we need is a little pot to lose our inhibitions. Jocks aren't so bad! They feel as sensitively as the nerds do. The bad guy isn't really so "bad" either, in fact, he may even sacrifice himself for the good of everyone else! And people really care about each other! Even though all your actual high school experience may tell you differently, all you need is 8 hours locked in a room together, some drugs, a couple of tears, and some soul searching confessions, and everyone can work out 100 years of high school clique programming. And fall in love. If the object of your desire doesn’t appear to be changing, you really must not be trying hard enough. When all else fails, blame yourself. And try again.

Lesson 2 - Looks Are Everything (Desperately Seeking Susan)

A makeover can, and WILL change everything about your life, because looks are everything. Think your life is boring and unexciting? Well, there’s nothing a quick shopping spree won’t fix. Got your eye on a snazzy, second-hand jacket? Go ahead with that purchase young lady. And what’s this in my pocket - a mysterious key? Well, open your heart to me, crazy black jacket, and let’s see what sort of alter ego we can collaboratively come up with. Whoops! Now I’ve got amnesia! Darn it all. But luckily, I found a suitcase full of crap, black eyeliners, and stolen jewelry, so I can become my own hero: a crazy, flighty, punk rock slut with an affinity for being in the wrong place at the right time. A few misadventures later, and I’ve become Madonna’s best friend, ditched the boring suburban life, and found me the man of my dreams. Thank you, accidental make-over!!

Lesson 3 - Opposites Attract = Smart Dating Advice (Crocodile Dundee)

Bored Newspaper heiress seeks adventure “down under.” Wanted: Craggily faced native for long walk-a-bouts, near death experience by ‘gator, and long, simplistic musings under the light of the Australian moon, eventually ending up in a gratuitous SECOND “fish-out-of-water scenario” in New York City.

Just because you and your new soul mate come from different worlds doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dive head first into the shallow end, attempting to prove everyone else wrong. By all means. What we know from extensive analysis of Crocodile Dundee is this: every major life change one undertakes will end happily. Love conquers all. All you need is love. As long as you are in love, you'll always have a happy ending with a complete stranger after hangin' in the bush for 2 days. And dont be afraid to kick off your shoes, chase down your loved one through the streets of Manhattan, and participate in a romantic, modern-day game of "telephone" in a crowded subway.

Lesson recap: Try to change someone, looks are everything, and happy endings are real. Follow this advice. Follow it to the end, to the death! You will never be disappointed, and your life will be filled with joy. Now go forth, and love someone. Hard.

Under discussion:

Dirty Dancing  (1987)

Dirty Dancing - that quintessentially classic film and required viewing for all pre-teen girls. The film that spawned an unfortunate resurgence of interest in early 60's pop music, and a breadth of bad fashion throw-backs. A coming-of-age film, a thinly veiled sex-instructional. A film about rebellion, and innocence lost...the Curator is drooling.

On the eve of its 20th anniversary, a rare, private screening has been arranged. So get your Keds on, roll up those cut-offs, and get ready to vastly change over the course of a three week summer vacation. Here comes everything you you’ve ever wanted to know about Dirty Dancing….a 3-Part analysis on the life and growth of Baby.

Part 1 - Nobody Puts Baby in the Catskills

We open on a happy scene, a family driving off to a long overdue summer vacation in the Catskills. Innocence is established with cutesy teen “Baby,” hugging dad on the neck from the back seat while “Big Girls Don’t Cry” plays softly in the background. It is apparent our Baby is growing up. She may be still naïve, but she is ripe for discovery.

The happy family arrives at happy vacation spot, and it turns out dear old dad is best pals with resort owner. The fam’ will be receiving extra special treatment. Oh yeah they will, in BOY form. First thing Baby does is snoop around and eavesdrop. She overhears old man Kellerman encouraging the waiters to show the daughters a good time, “even the dogs.”

But then….enter Johnny Castle, who tells Robbie the waiter to, “Just put your pickle on everybody's plate college boy and leave the hard stuff to me.” Oh my. Now the Curator can only imagine what he means by this phrase. Perhaps a bit of constructive criticism on his waitering technique? Whatever the case, when Baby sees Johnny and Penny dance the Mambo together later that night, she gets a bit of a funny feeling inside.

Part 2 - Baby Crawls out of the Playpen

Kellerman’s is BORING! What’s a girl to do while the folks Foxtrot? I guess I’ll go on a walk…..Huh, Staff Quarters, No Guests….Wonder what could be going on up there….Wowza! What are these kids doing? Sheesh, they’re almost screwing on the floor! Dirty dancing has arrived!

“Wanna try it?” asks friendly boy-type Billy who also just so happens to be Johnny Castle’s cousin. “Uh-uh,” Baby shakes her head, looking down at the floor. Boys have cooties!

But Baby soon proves unable to resist that beckoning finger call from Mr. Castle, she is drawn to the dance floor, thus receiving her first instructional from Johnny, a bit of masturbation if you will. Roll this way, Baby, thrust that way, Baby. It all happened so fast, and just when she is beginning to “get it,” it’s over. But there’s no turning back for Baby after that taste.

Fortunately, Ex-Rockette/Dance Instructor Penny gets herself “into trouble.” Then, Baby learns a cruel lesson, not all boys are honorable! You mean that she’s preggers and the boy KNOWS and won’t HELP! Unheard of! But seeing how this is her chance to Mambo her way into the hot man’s arms, Baby gets Penny some money to “take care of it,” and some free dance lessons. Now she must learn the very dance she saw only days before, courtesy of Johnny “All the Right Moves” Castle.

While learning all the steps and twirls, Baby is exposed to some light, friendly lesbian play and a quickie threesome, but the true lesson comes only with the lifts. The Lifts!!

She must run and leap through the air graceful as can be, a soaring eagle, a sexually liberated woman. And it’s all about trust. Johnny tells her, “Now, you'll hurt me if you don't trust me, all right?” Awe, a metaphor for a real, live relationship. Our Baby is growing up. Sniff. But, she fucks up it during the big show. Ooops. Guess Baby still has a few things to learn.

Part 3 – Baby Learns to Fly

After the big show Baby gets another harsh lesson from dear old Dad. Turns out she lied to him about what the money she gave Penny was for and now he doesn’t trust her anymore. So she runs to The Swayze for a bit of comfort, and a good old fashioned, wholesome, free-range sausage party. “Do you love me now that I can dance?” Indeed. Post-doin’ it, Johnny suddenly realized he is not on a first name basis with the girl he just boned, and has the class to ask her about it. To which he replies, “Frances. That's a real grown up name.” Good come back, Johnny! But, he is correct. Baby has simultaneously shed her virginity and her ridiculous childhood in one fell stroke, arriving with a short, heel-burning skid into womanhood. Now if only there was a chance to somehow have another dance scene so she could perfect that darn lift….

But meanwhile, sex can’t solve all her problems. Baby is discovering that the world is not the place she thought it was, that somehow her sheltered existence bedecked in rose-colored glasses didn’t prepare her for the harsh realities of the real world. Huh. When Johnny is accused of stealing wallets, Baby has to own up as his alibi. Strong girl that she is, she announces to the entire resort, “Johnny couldn’t have taken the wallet. I know it. I just know it. Because he was in his room all night. And the reason I know he was in his room all night is that because he was fucking the shit of me.” For some reason Dad reacts badly to this, as does resort owner, and Johnny gets fired.

Baby/Francis is a broken girl/woman. The world has crumbled around her. Cruel World! The Swayze has driven off into the…driving rain, alone with his thoughts that take on a poignant, musical form(a song deserving of permanent adhesion in the Movie Music Hall of Fame), and Dad is so angry he infamously puts Baby….uh, somewhere out of the way.

But there may yet be one last chance for Baby to blossom. The Swayze returns, record in hand, and asks Miss Francis Houseman to “Have the Time of Her Life” while strutting her stuff in Mambo form. The audiences’ breath is held….the lift….will she be able to trust Johnny, trust herself, put aside all she knows while embracing the future in all its scariness, and take flight into Womanhood????

Ladies and Gentleman, Francis has left the building.