Dollar Video Curator

Under discussion:

Thelma & Louise  (1991)

Tombstone  (1993)

But will your friends kill for you? A lot? Willingly die? Maybe you haven't had a chance to put that one to the test yet. The Curator begs to question, does sex matter? Let's find out.

The Films: Thelma and Louise, Tombstone

Viewing order importance: Either will do, but recommended as above. Because the Curator says so.

Thelma and Louise: A fine example of chic-flickiness, directed by Ridley Scott. Yes, Ridley Scott, with a plethora of wonderful co-stars that the Curator will resist writing about as we are wont to sometimes do. Abusive men and monotonous jobs set these 2 off on a date with destiny. Everything packed? Well let's see, scarves, sunglasses, fishing net, gun....wait GUN? Thelma what are you doing with that? Uh oh, here comes trouble.

These ladies were just out for a bit of fun, some good Ol’ Fashioned Honky Tonk Bar Dancing fun. But it's a good thing that gun is handy when Thelma almost gets raped in the parking lot, inspiring the birth of....the Toxic-Shock Avengers!! Females on the run, and ready to take no shit. Louise is ready to kill a man with his pants around his ankles in Alabama for her friend. That takes some ovaries. So what else will a girl do for another?

Well Thelma finally gets laid proper by the torso known as Brad Pitt, but that sneak steals all of Louise's money. Fucker! So to make up for it, Thelma turns to armed robbery. Not bad, not bad. But THEN! Thelma stuffs a cop in the trunk for Louise, and they both take on the gross truck-driving tongue guy. They've officially found their crime niche, and are pretty bad ass by now. But hunted. "How many times will they have to get screwed over?" muses our Harvey Keitel, one of only 2 friendly man types in this film? In the final fateful standoff, they decide to die together, rather than be taken alive. Thelma suggests, Louise agrees, a kiss, a hand grasp and off the cliff we go. Damn, that's tough ladies.

Tombstone: Already filled with manly comments such as "I'm your huckleberry," "Skin it," "Pull out that smoke wagon," and "Wyatt Earp is my friend," one wonders how much better it can get. Let us see how far man will go for other man.

First you've got the brothers, perennial co-stars Sam Elliott and Bill Paxton, who schlep their wives out to Arizona to be with brother Wyatt, and then you've got Val Kilmer, pre-facial mole removal, and glittery with laboring sweat as the fabu Doc Holliday. And all are be-decked with mustache. We are off to a grand beginning.

It's all fun and games at the start, boys making money, bonding over barroom drinks with the wives tucked safely at home, slowly addicting themselves to Opium. But when they need a "new sheriff in town," the brothers have a rift. Co-stars feel it's their duty, but Wyatt doesn't want to get involved. He reluctantly does when the cowboys are waiting for some man-slaughter at the OK Corral. Step up, Mr. Holliday. He is always ready to die for Wyatt. When Wyatt tells him its not his concern Doc says "That is a hell of a thing for YOU to say to ME." Well.

Gun fire craziness and the battle is won, but those cowboys are out for revenge. Kill Bill, maim Sam, and the wives are out of there. That leaves Wyatt, Doc and some cowboy defectors to close this deal. When it comes to the final showdown, Wyatt knows he can't beat that crazy Ringo. To save his friend Doc pulls himself out of his lunger bed, bleeding from the mouth, and finishes that guy off with the quickest gun-pull that side of the mighty Miss. We consider this quite a feat, considering the Curator can hardly get out up out of a chair after smoking a couple cigarettes. In the end, Doc is only taken out by the TB, after sending Wyatt off to his unending happiness.

Conclusion: It doesn't appear that sex matters much in the “willing to die for your friend category.” It could be just the circumstances, or the timing. The moral is, if you have that friend, the one you think will step up, hang on tight to that sweaty, scarf-sporting, gun-toting maniac. You never know when you're gonna need them.

Under discussion:

The Breakfast Club  (1985)

Crocodile Dundee  (1986)

Desperately Seeking Susan  (1985)

Examples you ask? But of course! The three most important lessons of the successful love affair can be learned, right here, from:

The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Crocodile Dundee

Lesson 1 - You CAN TOO Change Someone (The Breakfast Club)

Stereotypes are very easy to overcome. High school cliques are only as powerful as the kids who believe in them, so let's break down these walls! All we need is a little pot to lose our inhibitions. Jocks aren't so bad! They feel as sensitively as the nerds do. The bad guy isn't really so "bad" either, in fact, he may even sacrifice himself for the good of everyone else! And people really care about each other! Even though all your actual high school experience may tell you differently, all you need is 8 hours locked in a room together, some drugs, a couple of tears, and some soul searching confessions, and everyone can work out 100 years of high school clique programming. And fall in love. If the object of your desire doesn’t appear to be changing, you really must not be trying hard enough. When all else fails, blame yourself. And try again.

Lesson 2 - Looks Are Everything (Desperately Seeking Susan)

A makeover can, and WILL change everything about your life, because looks are everything. Think your life is boring and unexciting? Well, there’s nothing a quick shopping spree won’t fix. Got your eye on a snazzy, second-hand jacket? Go ahead with that purchase young lady. And what’s this in my pocket - a mysterious key? Well, open your heart to me, crazy black jacket, and let’s see what sort of alter ego we can collaboratively come up with. Whoops! Now I’ve got amnesia! Darn it all. But luckily, I found a suitcase full of crap, black eyeliners, and stolen jewelry, so I can become my own hero: a crazy, flighty, punk rock slut with an affinity for being in the wrong place at the right time. A few misadventures later, and I’ve become Madonna’s best friend, ditched the boring suburban life, and found me the man of my dreams. Thank you, accidental make-over!!

Lesson 3 - Opposites Attract = Smart Dating Advice (Crocodile Dundee)

Bored Newspaper heiress seeks adventure “down under.” Wanted: Craggily faced native for long walk-a-bouts, near death experience by ‘gator, and long, simplistic musings under the light of the Australian moon, eventually ending up in a gratuitous SECOND “fish-out-of-water scenario” in New York City.

Just because you and your new soul mate come from different worlds doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dive head first into the shallow end, attempting to prove everyone else wrong. By all means. What we know from extensive analysis of Crocodile Dundee is this: every major life change one undertakes will end happily. Love conquers all. All you need is love. As long as you are in love, you'll always have a happy ending with a complete stranger after hangin' in the bush for 2 days. And dont be afraid to kick off your shoes, chase down your loved one through the streets of Manhattan, and participate in a romantic, modern-day game of "telephone" in a crowded subway.

Lesson recap: Try to change someone, looks are everything, and happy endings are real. Follow this advice. Follow it to the end, to the death! You will never be disappointed, and your life will be filled with joy. Now go forth, and love someone. Hard.

Under discussion:

Dirty Dancing  (1987)

Dirty Dancing - that quintessentially classic film and required viewing for all pre-teen girls. The film that spawned an unfortunate resurgence of interest in early 60's pop music, and a breadth of bad fashion throw-backs. A coming-of-age film, a thinly veiled sex-instructional. A film about rebellion, and innocence lost...the Curator is drooling.

On the eve of its 20th anniversary, a rare, private screening has been arranged. So get your Keds on, roll up those cut-offs, and get ready to vastly change over the course of a three week summer vacation. Here comes everything you you’ve ever wanted to know about Dirty Dancing….a 3-Part analysis on the life and growth of Baby.

Part 1 - Nobody Puts Baby in the Catskills

We open on a happy scene, a family driving off to a long overdue summer vacation in the Catskills. Innocence is established with cutesy teen “Baby,” hugging dad on the neck from the back seat while “Big Girls Don’t Cry” plays softly in the background. It is apparent our Baby is growing up. She may be still naïve, but she is ripe for discovery.

The happy family arrives at happy vacation spot, and it turns out dear old dad is best pals with resort owner. The fam’ will be receiving extra special treatment. Oh yeah they will, in BOY form. First thing Baby does is snoop around and eavesdrop. She overhears old man Kellerman encouraging the waiters to show the daughters a good time, “even the dogs.”

But then….enter Johnny Castle, who tells Robbie the waiter to, “Just put your pickle on everybody's plate college boy and leave the hard stuff to me.” Oh my. Now the Curator can only imagine what he means by this phrase. Perhaps a bit of constructive criticism on his waitering technique? Whatever the case, when Baby sees Johnny and Penny dance the Mambo together later that night, she gets a bit of a funny feeling inside.

Part 2 - Baby Crawls out of the Playpen

Kellerman’s is BORING! What’s a girl to do while the folks Foxtrot? I guess I’ll go on a walk…..Huh, Staff Quarters, No Guests….Wonder what could be going on up there….Wowza! What are these kids doing? Sheesh, they’re almost screwing on the floor! Dirty dancing has arrived!

“Wanna try it?” asks friendly boy-type Billy who also just so happens to be Johnny Castle’s cousin. “Uh-uh,” Baby shakes her head, looking down at the floor. Boys have cooties!

But Baby soon proves unable to resist that beckoning finger call from Mr. Castle, she is drawn to the dance floor, thus receiving her first instructional from Johnny, a bit of masturbation if you will. Roll this way, Baby, thrust that way, Baby. It all happened so fast, and just when she is beginning to “get it,” it’s over. But there’s no turning back for Baby after that taste.

Fortunately, Ex-Rockette/Dance Instructor Penny gets herself “into trouble.” Then, Baby learns a cruel lesson, not all boys are honorable! You mean that she’s preggers and the boy KNOWS and won’t HELP! Unheard of! But seeing how this is her chance to Mambo her way into the hot man’s arms, Baby gets Penny some money to “take care of it,” and some free dance lessons. Now she must learn the very dance she saw only days before, courtesy of Johnny “All the Right Moves” Castle.

While learning all the steps and twirls, Baby is exposed to some light, friendly lesbian play and a quickie threesome, but the true lesson comes only with the lifts. The Lifts!!

She must run and leap through the air graceful as can be, a soaring eagle, a sexually liberated woman. And it’s all about trust. Johnny tells her, “Now, you'll hurt me if you don't trust me, all right?” Awe, a metaphor for a real, live relationship. Our Baby is growing up. Sniff. But, she fucks up it during the big show. Ooops. Guess Baby still has a few things to learn.

Part 3 – Baby Learns to Fly

After the big show Baby gets another harsh lesson from dear old Dad. Turns out she lied to him about what the money she gave Penny was for and now he doesn’t trust her anymore. So she runs to The Swayze for a bit of comfort, and a good old fashioned, wholesome, free-range sausage party. “Do you love me now that I can dance?” Indeed. Post-doin’ it, Johnny suddenly realized he is not on a first name basis with the girl he just boned, and has the class to ask her about it. To which he replies, “Frances. That's a real grown up name.” Good come back, Johnny! But, he is correct. Baby has simultaneously shed her virginity and her ridiculous childhood in one fell stroke, arriving with a short, heel-burning skid into womanhood. Now if only there was a chance to somehow have another dance scene so she could perfect that darn lift….

But meanwhile, sex can’t solve all her problems. Baby is discovering that the world is not the place she thought it was, that somehow her sheltered existence bedecked in rose-colored glasses didn’t prepare her for the harsh realities of the real world. Huh. When Johnny is accused of stealing wallets, Baby has to own up as his alibi. Strong girl that she is, she announces to the entire resort, “Johnny couldn’t have taken the wallet. I know it. I just know it. Because he was in his room all night. And the reason I know he was in his room all night is that because he was fucking the shit of me.” For some reason Dad reacts badly to this, as does resort owner, and Johnny gets fired.

Baby/Francis is a broken girl/woman. The world has crumbled around her. Cruel World! The Swayze has driven off into the…driving rain, alone with his thoughts that take on a poignant, musical form(a song deserving of permanent adhesion in the Movie Music Hall of Fame), and Dad is so angry he infamously puts Baby….uh, somewhere out of the way.

But there may yet be one last chance for Baby to blossom. The Swayze returns, record in hand, and asks Miss Francis Houseman to “Have the Time of Her Life” while strutting her stuff in Mambo form. The audiences’ breath is held….the lift….will she be able to trust Johnny, trust herself, put aside all she knows while embracing the future in all its scariness, and take flight into Womanhood????

Ladies and Gentleman, Francis has left the building.