Maxim has named Quantum of Solace actress Olga Kurylenko “the hottest Bond Girl ever.” How does one even make such an assessment, when there are so many memorable Bond Girl moments? Remember Ursula Andress, rising from the sea in a bikini? Or Halle Berry, rising from the sea in a bikini? Or Famke Janssen sex-attacking Pierce Brosnan in GoldenEye? (Oh, Famke. You really know how to pick a paycheck.)
If you answered “Sure. Whatever.” to one or both of those first two examples, I have a statistic that I’d like to share with you. Did you know that there’s an extremely high rate of death amongst Bond Girls who have worn a bikini? It’s true. Based on my extraordinarily scientific research, out of 11 Bond girls who had “bikini moments,” to borrow the terminology used on JamesBondWiki, five died before the end of the film. That’s 45 percent, making the wearing of a two piece bathing suit in the company of James Bond just about the most dangerous activity a woman could engage in anywhere on the planet at any time in history.
In the hopes that future Bond Girls will learn the lesson of their forebears and stay away from the skimpy garments of death, I’ve compiled a five point dossier on how and why these bathing beauties met their mortal ends.
Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton) in Goldfinger
Auric Goldfinger’s ladyfriend is quite the multi-tasker: the bikini-clad, binocular-toting Bond Girl manages to help her boyfriend cheat at cards and work on her tan at the same time! Apparently less impressed than I, Goldfinger eventually paints her gold and she dies of “skin suffocation.” Years later, Mythbusters investigated whether or not such a death is actually possible (answer: probably not), and actress Shirley Eaton appeared on the show to refute rumors that she actually died while encased in gold paint for the movie.
Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) in Thunderball
This bad Bond Girl is a SPECTRE asassin who eventually takes a bullet that was meant for James. But not before, in the inimitable words of her character’s Wikipedia profile, “she waits for Bond in his bathtub, she seduces him and they have erotic sex.” That’s the best kind to have!
Rosie Carver (Gloria Hendry) in Live and Let Die
Another Bond villainess, Rosie was the first black Bond Girl. A rogue CIA agent, she checks into Bond’s hotel room as “Mrs. Bond” so that she can be there to seduce him when he arrives. Rosie manages to keep her true identity a secret through a day of deep sea fishing, but eventually James figures out that his new lover is actually a baddie and confronts her, at which point she runs away, only to be killed by another underling of the bad guy she’s been working for.
Naomi (Caroline Munro) in The Spy Who Loved Me
It is important for helicopter pilots to wear bikinis. Especially helicoptor pilots who flirt with James Bond while trying to shoot him. Unfortunately, this skimpily-dressed helicopter pilot/would-be 007 assassin didn’t get her man, in either a mortal sense or a sexy one, because James blew up her helicopter with a torpedo.
Solange Dimitrios (Caterina Murino) in Casino Royale
Solange, the wife of one of main bad guy Le Chiffre’s men, is first seen riding a horse on the beach in her bikini. After Bond wins her husband’s Aston Martin in a poker game, he gives Solange a ride back to his hotel. They’re all set to Do It when the phone rings, and Solange ends up leaking the info that Bond will need to thwart her husband’s terrorist attack on Miami. Yay for Bond (and Miami), bad for Solange, who is tortured and killed as a result.
Originally posted on:
SpoutBlog » Karina Longworth