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  • The Greatest Movie Ever Made: Elf

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    Elf  (2003)

    Knowing  (2009)

    No sooner did I post my thoughts on the worst movie ever made, than Simon Mayo, Mark Kermode's sidekick, weighed in with Knowing as his "worst" candidate, on their 3/27 podcast. Kermode properly told Mayo the same thing that I wrote in my post: Dude, you've missed a lot of bad movies if Knowing is the worst you've ever seen. But then Kermode, who ought to know better, turned around and suggested What Dreams May Come as a reasonable "worst" candidate of his own. Proving that no one is immune to worstitis, the irresistable urge to go the limit when describing a movie that you (you) didn't like.

    It's never just once with these worst-enders. I know because I've checked. Can it be that each time they name a new "worst," it's truly worse than the last worst one that they named? Do they announce their worst car when they buy it? Their worst house? Their worst wife? Their worst newborn?

    Tell me that the movies aren't just getting worster and worster. Tell me that there is bestitis out there as well.

    I googled "Greatest Movie Ever Made." 79,700 hits, including Citizen Kane, of course, and IMDB's Shawshank, and The Dark Knight from the fanboys. But also Conan the Barbarian, I Am Legend, Last Year at Marienbad, Shogun Assassin, and Elf.

    I'm ignoring Peter Igluishvilli's choice of Lions for Lambs as his "worst," as he is only ten years old, just arrived from the woods east of Kutaisi on the Rioni river, and in his life has seen only one other movie, "The House Bunny" (his "greatest").

    It seems that "best" and "worst" appraisals are skewed toward the young, not the old, where the judgement would be based upon a greater number of movies seen. Suppose, for example, that a 110-year-old individual has been watching 100 movies/year since the age of 10. Now suppose that I ask him or her to name the "best" movie out of those 10,000 movies that he or she has seen, and suppose that he or she responds, "Elf." That would indicate some advanced degree of dementia in the cinematic portion of his or her brainpan.

    "Greatest Movie I've Ever Seen" 2,370. Shattered, Hancock, Revolver, Valkyrie, Titanic.

    "Best Movie I've Seen" 85,500 Hmm. Best in a while. Best this year. Best of its kind. Best is more provisional than worst, it seems.

    "Best Movie Ever Made" 110,000. Well, well. "The Best Movie Ever Made" (1997). Directed by Steve Bencich. Otherwise, Easy Rider, Commando ("This is the best movie ever made, it should have won 1 million Oscars." Nice), Showgirls, Crash.

    There seem to be more worsts than bests. Easier to make a bad movie than a good one? "Greatest" picks are less great than "Worst" picks are worse. That is, "greatest" picks are more often bad than "worst" picks are good. What does this mean? That movies are generally worse than we imagine, but, hey, not that bad? Or is it that the motivations behind choosing best and worst are entirely different? Worst springs from disappointment and hurt and a cynical abandonment of hope, a cry for help, abuse from the abused, denial of death, turning away from the void, a disgust at wasting 10 bucks or so, plus parking, coke, and popcorn. Best is warmed cockles or weepy moments or laughter (forgetting) or relief that it wasn't you, or whatever it is that makes art art.

    Since there's a thin line between love and hate, it's no suprise that there are movies listed as both the best and worst ever made. Showgirls, Crash, Hancock, and Citizen Kane all qualify. The U.S. elected George Bush, twice, and then Barak Obama, so why can't Hancock and Kane be brothers?

    I called a guy who listed Zombie Breakfast as his worst. I thought Breakfast wasn't bad. Bad? he said. It was terrible! Undoubtedly the worst movie ever made! I asked him if he'd seen the sequel, Zombie Brunch, a real stinker. Seen it? he said. Yeah, I saw it. It was ten times as bad as Zombie Breakfast. The worst!


  • THE WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN: CITIZEN KANE

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    Film Name  Production Year

    Citizen Kane  (1941)

    I was reading the comments for a movie review the other day and one poster identified the film under discussion as "The worst movie I've ever seen." I googled the sentence because it seems to me that I've been seeing it a lot lately. 19,700 hits.

    Some of the movies deemed "the worst ever": 10,000 BC. Open Water. Meet the Spartans. Twister.

    If Twister is the worst you've seen, viewer, then let me warn you that there are a lot, a mighty lot, of seriously terrible movies out there that you've somehow managed to miss up till now.

    Some of the google hits turned out to be for "not the worst movie I've ever seen," but still. Other worst-seens: Wanted. Howl's Moving Castle. Ladder 49. Legends of the Fall.

    It's a strange world we live in.

    So my question is, how many of these posters list a movie as their worst, but then do it again, and perhaps again, serial worsters, naming many of the  movies they see? Pathalogical worsters. Are these movie-watchers caught in some downward spiral vectoring them toward cinema Hell? Or do they also keep encountering their best-ever? Is every movie that they see either the best or the worst or the most or the least, or were these folks just having a bad day, or are they just lonely and wailing for help or for a little attention, or is hyperbole now a plague in the U.S. that has given us, for example, a major political party for which everything under consideration is either perfectly good or perfectly evil? How does Limbaugh rate his movies, or is he even allowed to go out and see movies?

    "The worst movie I've seen." 15,800 hits. A guy names "Benjamin Button" as his personal worst. Gets some agreement from other commenters but also some violent flames. Best ever/worst ever struggle breaks out over Button. They walk among us, these comment-posters, seemingly normal humans.

    There are sites that do prompt for your worsts, asking "What's the worst movie you've seen?" Nothing wrong with that. Moths to the flame. "The worst movie ever made." 63,200 hits. I've got no problem with legitimate contenders for worst, or with the fun of trying to pick that worst flick. Zardoz, Showgirls, Gigli, Ishtar, Cleopatra, The Hottie and the Nottie, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, the Turkish Wizard of Oz, and many many more, all legitimate contenders. But the googled worst-made list also includes Spiderman 3, Black Hawk Down, Southland Tales, I Am Legend, Lions and Lambs, Star Wars episode III, etc. Were these the picks of hotheads or the challenged or those unclear on the concept or iconoclasts in want of an icon or simple knuckleheads or some species of the disgruntled?

    I can name my worst pain and my worst breakup with a girlfriend and the worst President of the U.S. in my lifetime. I'm no worst hater (or wurst hater, either). I personally don't have a worst movie but I suppose I could name a few candidates. The question is, are all the posted "worsts" true candidates like my own, or are they exposing a septicemiaized vein in the body cinematic?

    "The worstest movie I've seen." 2 hits. Talladagea Nights. Signs. Thirteen circles of movie inferno and we're down at the bottom here, in the worstest, the icy lakes of Hades with their movie reviewers frozen in ice up to their padded hips, along with the future shades of Will Ferrell and M. Night Shyamalan.

    Note also that there are chuckleheads who name Citizen Kane the worst, as per the title above. And speaking of the worst, Google also yields: "The Bible is the worst book ever." and "The worst book in the Bible? Okay, this won't be easy. There are only three books in the bible that have more good stuff than bad." and "To the faithful in particular: what's your least favourited/most hated book in the "good" book?"

    "The worst movie I have ever seen." 28,200 hits. Watchman (of course). Son of Mask. Last Days (the van Zant flick).

    "Most awful movie." 1,430 hits. The Fifth Element, Snakes on the Plane (I've only seen Snakes on a Plane...), Burn After Reading.

    "Most terrible movie." 704 hits. State of the Union. Slumdog Millionaire (of course). Driven. The Door in the Floor.

    "Baddest movie." 1,230 hits. Nah, bad is good.

    "Rottenest movie." 9 hits. Tropic Thunder (because of the r word), Lost Souls, Blazing Saddles.

    "rottnest movie." 2 hits. Cool Runnings, The Lion King.

    These are the worst posts I've ever read.


  • Homo Erectus - a review

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    Homo Erectus  (2007)

    aka National Lampoon's Stoned Age. NL has produced a closetful of clunkers over the years, but Adam Rifkin gets this genre film right, the genre being Movies To Watch While You're Drunk. I was and it was.

     It's all here:

    David Carradine as MooKoo, proving once again that he will do literally anything for a paycheck. He's especially good in the scenes where he's carrying his head under his arm.

    Talia Shire as his wife, mother of the clan, who will do anything for a fur, even if it's off an australeamoustisimus.

    Ron Jeremy as Oog, who doesn't show it, but at this point doesn't really have to anymore. Anybody who cares has memorized it by now.

    Gary Busey as Krutz, who doesn't have to act crazy to be crazy.

    Ali Larter as Fardart, showing off the best set of prehistoric choppers in film history, although Raquel Welch still beats her from the neck down.

    Carol Alt as Queen Fallopia. "You turn me down?? Every Neanderthal between here and the volcano wants to get into this lizard-skin thong!"

    Kansas Carradine as the pregnant cavewoman. David's daughter adds her oiled belly to several of the scenes wherein the women drop their pelts.

    and Adam Rifkin, who gets hit in the head by large rocks twenty, no, twenty-two, no... I was too far gone to keep track.

    The movie poses the question, If you paste large shaggy patches of fake pubic fur over the female actors' actual areas, is that still full-frontal, or what?


  • Doubt: a review

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    Film Name  Production Year

    Doubt  (2008)

    *** COMPLETE AND THROUGHGOING SPOILERS ***

    Ordinarily, I wouldn't begin a review with an adverb. Ordinarily, I would watch a movie, share my thoughts, and walk on. In the case of Doubt, however, I missed the movie in the theater and now, weeks later, I'm still waiting for the DVD. The rips I've downloaded from the internets aren't of any use. Why did AXXO pass on Doubt while ripping Drillbit Taylor? It is not given to me to know. [Much later: it's all over the web now.]

    In the meantime, I read John Patrick Shanley's Miramax screenplay for the film version of Doubt.  Having watched a trailer before reading the script, I did have La Streep and PSH acting the roles in my head, but acting them my way, perhaps not theirs. The script seemed a little thin to me, for a play that won the drama Pulitzer and a Tony in 2005.

    What I know about the drama Pulitzer:

    1. They can't just give it to Angels in America every year, over and over.
    2. Seemingly thin scripts can in fact hide greatness, q.v., Our Town.
    3. Roxanne Pulitzer posed for Playboy; I liked Paloma Picasso better. Such was the cultural training of my youth.
    7. It took four years for Doubt to catch up with Proof.
    8. Shaley received the prize but Cherry Jones and Brian O'Byrne knocking heads might have won it for him.
    5. "Doubt" shares its honor with, among others, "A Streetcar Named Desire," "Death of a Salesman," and "Long Day's Journey Into Night." In the same way, Mike Tyson shares his former title with, among others, Joe Lewis, Rocky Marciano, and Muhammad Ali.
    4. The prize isn't awarded every year. Looking for a book idea? Write one explaining why the award was withheld in the years 1919, 1942, 1944, 1947, 1951, 1963, 1964, 1966, 1968, 1972, 1974, 1986, 1997, and 2006.*

    * Of course, in my conception, the book would be as catty as possible. Politics, rumors, scandalous rumors, and rumors that are god-damned lies welcomed.

    The drama-prize candidate is selected each year by a jury of five, one academic and four critics, based upon their reading of the script, or so I have always understood it. The Pulitzer Committee must then approve the jury's choice. In 1963, the Committee declined to approve Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf because of the play's sex and cussing. In 1986, the Committee overruled the jury's choice of the CIVIL warS, which as far as I know has never been performed in full (your homework: find out why). From these two examples, we can infer that the Pulitzer Committee's overrulings are generally wrongheaded. The year after Doubt, no Pulitzer was awarded. Ongoing controversy over these awards led to the creation of The New York Drama Critics' Circle, which, as it happens, also awarded Doubt the prize in 2006, and also did not award an American prize the following year. 2006 is taken by many as a lackluster year, but I've also heard more than one playgoer complain that if it isn't a New York production with Big Names in it, it won't be picked and may not even be considered. 27 plays were considered in '06 and of the three finalists chosen from these, none received a majority of votes from the 17 committee members. So maybe your no-prize book will turn out to be a bust, due to a surfeit of no-prize plays over the years; but don't let mere facts stop you, not in the weedy garden of the arts.
     
    The drama jury members who picked Doubt in 2005: Michael Phillips (Chicago Tribune—chair), Fran Dorn (University of Texas—Austin), Robert Hurwitt (San Francisco Chronicle), Charles Isherwood (New York Times), and Wendy Wasserstein (playwright). I wrote Phillips, Dorn, Hurwitt, and Isherwood, asking them an assortment of questions about their choice. (Wasserstein died of cancer in 2006.)

    Shanley added "a Parable" to the play's title, "Doubt, a Parable," after its introduction. My first thought was that once he had let his play cool a bit after baking, he too felt that it was thin (or short on filling under the crust, to continue the baking metaphor), and everybody knows that a parable can skimp on characterization and plot in the service of loftier goals. Just a thought. A parable is "a brief, succinct story, in prose or verse, that illustrates a moral or religious lesson. It differs from a fable in that fables use animals, plants, inanimate objects, and forces of nature as characters, while parables generally feature human characters." Do we need a parable Pulitzer? Puts me in mind of that famously short-lived category, the haiku Pulitzer. Jonathon Livingston Seagull for fable Pulitzer! 38 weeks on the NTY Best Seller list and still in print! But I digress.

    What do I mean by "thin"? Print out the script and read the climatic scene, pages 81 to 94. OK, wait. Let me back up and summarize the plot, in case you haven't been out of your cave since the weather turned cold. The Bronx. 1964. Catholic School. Not like Sacred Heart, where my kids went. Old School. The NBs still wear their habits. But Vatican II has happened. Some younger priests are leaning new-school; the school principal, Sister Aloyisius (Aloyisius, the patron saint of students) is old school. Father Flynn is the friendly young chaplain. He is or is not molesting the only African-American (male) student in the school, the population of which is otherwise exclusively Irish/Italian. Come to think of it, though the years have passed, Sacred Heart did recently give the boot to its own chaplain, who looked like the popular graphic version of Jesus Christ and acted a bit too much like him as well.

    Sister A gets on Father F's case. Shanley: "I was very interested in having a powerful character who was certain she was right chasing down a course of action that was going to do a lot of harm if she was wrong and investigating what it was to live in a world that was a clash between certainty and ambiguity." Sister Aloyisius knows that Father Flynn has abused the boy, though she has no proof. Shanley: "Oh, I do not profess to know the end of the play. The end of the play takes place after the play is over, when you go out and have a drink and you have a fight with your wife about what happened." (Schwarzenegger to his wife in Raw Deal: "You should not drink and bake.") The author has said a lot more than this, in numerous interviews.

    Shanley has set himself the task here of walking the line between hints of Flynn's guilt and hints of his innocence, so that we the audience might lean one way or the other but cannot ever know the truth, because the truth isn't included in this, Shanley's creation - a creation that he ends with several ambiguous flourishes. Get it? It's a whirligig. It goes round and round and it's fun to watch for a while and then it stops where it started and you go do something else. It's a gizmo. It's a construction, and the key problems in it and Shanley's solutions to those problems are to be found in the pages of the script, and they are mechanical. The Rubik's Cube Pulitzer.

    I also took strong exception on first reading to pages 65 through 78 - that is, to the scene in which Sister A meets with the boy's mother and in which the mother, hearing that her son is most probably being buggered by his priest, accepts the fact as she keeps her eyes on the prize, a good high school for the boy upon his graduation from St. Nicholas. Shanley the Irishman writes a black family into his play. Limns the family: physically abusive, dangerous father not to be reasoned with or disobeyed; hard-working, saintly but morally primitive mother; bent, wine-drinking son. If Shanley had been black, writing the boy and his mom as Irish, would we then instead have here a drunken, violent, bog-trotting dad; religious, potato-cooking mom with a straw broom in her hand and a sheepy look in her eyes; boy ready to break your knee with a stick? And how does an actress come to deserve an Oscar nomination for 13 pages of work in a film? Parable Oscar. (Well, the part did win Adriane Lenox a Tony.) Reality check: This is it? The best drama 2005 had to offer? Is culture zero-sum? If so, where went the talent that would allow a total equal to that of Tennessee Williams? YouTube?

    Whoa! Dude! Why the hate? Vitriol! Is it a Hitler speech I'm readin? Are ye turnin on yer own kind then, ladee? Buck up, boyo. Go pull yer Finnegan's Wake back out of the firegrate. Sober up. You're worse than himself this way.
     
    Maybe so, but Pineapple Express had nine times the plot that Doubt does.

    Ye could use a little less Pineapple Express yerself, at that, at that. Write JMJ at the top of every page of this review, with a fountain pen. What said the jury, boyo?

    Answering my questions about script vs staging, Michael Phillips' response included:  "I've happily done jury duty for the Pulitzers four different times, and I must say, it stunned me to realize how the various jurors approached the commitment differently. One made it a point never, ever to read the scripts--for him, if he couldn't see it on stage, in New York, in time for the voting, it wasn't eligible. (Ridiculous. A New Yorker, needless to say.) Others believed differently. And yet the overseers, the members of the Pulitzer board to whom the individual juries report to, are the ones making the final decision, and there's a pretty clear pattern of awards (in two out of three cases) going to plays currently or recently on view in New York. Such was the case with "Doubt." But I have to say, that year, nothing else came close."

    Unlike me with my script, Charles Isherwood picked up some big ideas in Doubt as he sat in the playgoing audience, ideas conjured into being by the story and its dialog, ideas more profound than most that he had encountered in that theater seat through many a previous year, ideas, Isherwood said, hinted at by that "a Parable" in the title, ideas about taking refuge in certainty when reality is too complicated. Or, as I like to think of it, Bush vs Obama. Isherwood took Sister A's final moment quite seriously. He also detected no irony in the play. From this I deduce that Cherry Jones and Bri­an F. O'Byrne battled to a draw in the performance that he attended.

    Fran Dorn told me that she went strictly by the script. Some of the other things she said put the idea of writing a book about Pulitzer politics into my head.

    Robert Hurwitt loved the play in its original staging, but when he saw it again in a larger theater, it lost some of its depth for him. Is this an argument against the script on the page, or for it, or neither? Don't stage a close argument between four individuals on a stage at the 50-yard line of Brillo Coliseum?

    So I went back and read the play again. 94 pages. 90 minutes on the boards with no intermission. The movie runs 104 minutes. This time I picked up a sweet spirit present in the thing. Nobody gets hurt here. No violence. No evil or despicable characters. What was eating me when I read Doubt the first time? Shanley is writing from the heart. He dedicated the play to the Sisters of Charity and in particular to his first-grade teacher, Sister Margaret McEntee, who was the model for the young nun in the movie and who acted as a consultant on the film. Cinematographer Roger Deakins used the Sisters' school, the College of Mount Saint Vincent, and St. Anthony in the Bronx, to stand in for the play's St. Nicholas. "I've met many nuns as a result of writing this play," says Shanley. "And my first grade teacher, Sister James, who is still alive and still teaching, was my guest for the opening night, and she's just a doll and incredibly intelligent, and one of many invisible women out there living a life of service to others and they deserve to have our acknowledgement and our thanks." Nun love.

    However, a pure heart in the writer does not guarantee the strength of ten in the script, even if the writer is aiming higher than the construction of a gizmo. Also, let's stamp out the use of "purposefully" to mean "purposely." And, to maintain perspective, let's remember that Shanley in his career also wrote the screenplay for Crichton's Congo. My daughter came back from that one and said only, "Heads roll."

    The sweetness-of-spirit thing did remind me of Moonstruck (1987), for which Shanley won a screenplay Oscar. I watched Moonstruck again last night and, for me, it holds up, but for the fact that we now know where Cher was heading when she made the movie, her arc over the following 20 years, so that her Oscar performance then loses some of its magic now, even though at the time she  really was young, instead of just trying to look that way. Moonstruck. Shanley writing Italian. What is it with this guy? A couple of minor twists in the movie, but again, simple. No irony. Straight down the rails. I'm thinking that with the Oscars and Tony and Pulitzer, Shanley is blessed with the luck of the Irish. Moonstruck's screenplay beat out "Au Revoir les Enfants." Is that luck, or the work of Satan paying for a purchased soul? Perhaps the seeming simplicity of Moonstruck and Doubt is a product or an artifact of that lack of irony in both works, irony often passing for moral depth and complexity these days.

    Doubt begins with Father Flynn speaking to the congregation: "What do you do when you're not sure? That's the topic of my sermon today. There are those of you in church today who know exactly the crisis of faith I describe. I want to say to you: Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone." And this applies to the movie how? I don't notice any comity between doubters in the script. Sister A, of course, is not one of the community of doubters, being consistently certain, although she does provide an antithetical doubter's bookend to Father F's opening remarks in the last sentence of the play. Perhaps, as Shanley says somewhere, the principal object of the play is to demonstrate that doubt allows for growth and change while premature certainty leads only to a dead end, with his parable directed not at the church but at those who insist on absolutes in society at large. And this applies to the movie how? What growth and change as a consequence of doubt is he referring to? Ours? Doesn't doubt vis a vis Father F's culpability lead to the possibility not of growth but of continued sodomy? Isn't Shanley's argument in favor of doubt here, against right-wing Bushian certainty, rather like sending Linus over to argue with Rush Limbaugh?. There is a legitimate dialectic at play, traditional Church observance vs Vatican II, but Shanley marries the former to spinsterhood and blind unreasoning faith, and the latter, even more unhappily, to pedophilia and pederasty gone wild. I must have been absent from the rectory the day that that particular memo was delivered.

    Now hang on. Let's think this through. We don't have our arms around this thing yet. The play was written in 2005. From the comments of others and of Shanley himself, yes, I assume, as many do, that the play is political. In a simple interpretation, Sister A = George Bush and the Right Wing. This does not mean that PSH = the Left Wing. Rather, Father F represents, for example, the Iraq situation - that is, the problem with which certainty is confronted. So that if Sister A turns out to be correct, proof or no proof, the play must tend to validate her position. But Shanley is on record to the contrary, and structures his play so as to maintain an ambiguity in the situation from start to finish, with the denouement functioning as a criticism of Sister A and her certainty. That is, because of Sister A's actions, Father F's innocence or guilt is allowed to continue unresolved. If innocent, he then suffers from the unfair turmoil and suspicion that Sister A has created in his life; if guilty, he remains unchastised for his behavior and free to continue his misdeeds. Had Sister A been in doubt, even a little bit, she would have proceeded differently, more carefully, more politically, perhaps to a place of resolution. Or, more probably, given the mores of that day, her suspicions, delivered up the chain of command, would have been buried. With our present-day knowledge, we know that this did in fact happen over and over again.

    Since Sister A was not burdened by doubt, however, we don't need to contemplate the historical record. And the play is written to minimize the fact that none of us choose what we know and what we don't know. Knowing is not volitional; we know some things; we don't know other things; it's automatic. Sister A knows this particular thing. In TV and media today, we've been trained to accept the fact that protagonists frequently know things without reason or proof. Characters spring into action even as their sergeant in the precinct or the mayor in his office at City Hall hectors and threatens them. They have precognitive talents, they see the future. "He's lying," they say, and they ain't lying. But Shanley as writer and director can't allow Sister A to prevail in our minds, and neither can the actors, because if so, then the fact that Father F slips away in the end becomes ironic, a miscarriage of justice, an indictment of priests and their sexual predations. And Sister A can easily prevail in this play. If La Streep convinces us, with our viewer's training acting as a handicap in her favor, that she does know what she knows, or if Father F acts his part a little lightly on his feet, or if the boy (the boy in the movie - he isn't seen in the play) appears, well, somewhat used (which we might expect, to justify his mother's acceptance of the situation and fears for his safety at public school or with his father), the goose of the play is cooked. Doubt becomes a simple tale of moral corruption. On the other hand, if La Streep comes across as crazy or embittered and out for blood, the movie might strike us as similar to that scene that has become common in movies: someone, in this case PSH, steps off the curb, usually in the middle of a sentence, and is struck and carried offscreen to the right (or to the left in England) in the blink of a frame by a passing bus or taxi, which in this case would be La Streep.

    We can think of the core of the play as a balance scale, with Shanley adding a bit of guilt to one pan and then a bit of innocence to the other, then more guilt, then more innocence, keeping the loads equal, with Amy Adams present onscreen to instantiate the instrument in her performance.  The strategy has something in common with the avoidance of the "reveal" in a romantic comedy, which if known by the protagonists would settle all issues prematurely. For this reader, Shanley made a major misstep in the script during this doling-out. There is a moment in the climatic argument when Sister A says "I'll hound you" and Father F, rather than defending himself with specifics, plays the "You have no right to exceed your authority" card. To me this jumped off the page at me like a confession of guilt on the priest's part. I'm looking forward to seeing how PSH sells me on that line. Cherry Jones and Brian O'Byrne, and director Doug Hughes, walked the line and managed to leave the issue of guilt in doubt; will La Streep and PSH, directed by Shanly himself, do so as well? Shanley has said that La Streep approached every argument in the movie as if it were a grudge match; La Streep demurs and may bear a grudge against Shanley for saying so. It seems to me that both actors and the director would need to work closely together on a strategy that leaves the audience situated in incertitude when the house lights come up.

    Now the Doubt trailer has just reappeared on the front page of YouTube. I've watched it again. PSH doing the "You have no right" line is in it; it's obvious, as I mentioned above, that playing Father F as effeminate would be deadly to the balance of the movie, but watching PSH erupt onscreen, doing that anger thing that he does, I realize that there are a lot of other ways to go wrong with this parable, and protesting too much might be one of them. The balance is all in the Sister A/Father F chemistry. For example, every so often, the spouse here gets some notion and confronts me with it and, in the case of my innocence, I defend myself, but often have the feeling that I'm defending myself so badly that an audience would never believe me, much less the spouse; but that might be one clever way to sell Father F's innocence - the weak-and-unable-to-defend-myself ploy. Not PLH in this movie, though, not with his neck veins standing out as he verges on apoplexy. It's some other actor who would work it by holding back the anger.

    Another word on this doubt thing. In a film review by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat: "The drama challenges us to take more seriously both the mysteries of the human personality and the uncertainty which lies at the core of our days and doings. Love and doubt converge in the practice of not knowing. And that is the true spiritual path. The world is drenched in mystery and no matter what we do, we can never cut through it all and grab hold of the answer, the one explanation. "X" factors abound, upsetting our rational conclusions. Best to just say "I don't know" and take comfort in the reality that you are not alone." Huh? The issue here is one of potential child abuse. Where does the "practice of not knowing" take us? We can never grab hold of the answer? What if somebody is grabbing hold of something that he oughtn't? How many of us think, or feel, that uncertainty lies at the core of our days and doings? Most of my doings are based on the certainties of heavy traffic at 8 in the morning, movement in my lower regions before lunch, and all local teams missing the playoffs yet again this year. Love and doubt don't converge in the practice of not knowing but in the practice of jealousy, stress, and boredom. On the other hand, asking a priest, at least in the 50s and early 60s, why this and why that got you the response that faith was the answer, faith was required, answers to the questions would not otherwise be forthcoming. Faith was the motive force leading to salvation. Doesn't faith require doubt? Someone somewhere commented that faith and doubt are opposites, but if you know, you don't need faith, do you? I'm asking you, which is why I'm using "you." Asking you rhetorically; no need to write me. What is the opposite of doubt? Not-doubt. Certainty? Can you have faith in your certainty? Can you be certain about a fact but doubt that certainty, if not the fact? Can you feel certain but have no faith in your certainty, so that you believe what God wants you to believe, but without faith? Are questions like these connected to my absence of faith, or my doubt, or my certainty in my non-belief?

    Sister A has an aphorism for every occasion. One of these that raises questions: “When you take a step to address wrongdoing, you are taking a step away from God, but in his service.” Since Sister A is full of aphorisms, is this just a throwaway line to keep the young Sister in line? Or is Sister A saying that as a warrior for God, it is sometimes necessary to step away from the peace, enlightenment, and forgiveness of the Trinity and take up Satan's weapons, anger and aggression, to put down the evildoers, as a Michael of the Faith? That is, the ends justify the means? Or what?

    I was listening to Mick LaSalle (S.F. Chronicle's lead reviewer) in a modest podcast rant about the evils of comparing book to movie; he was saying something to the effect that the movie in your head will always be better than the movie on the screen. Comparing the two in a review is a waste of time, though it felt clever to him while he was doing it. So forth. I suddenly wondered if reading a script and then going to its movie might have something in common with comparing book to movie, and I called up to ask him. In retrospect, reading a script is quite different from reading a book that is later made into a movie. I was surprised when LaSalle replied that he could only recall two times when he read a screenplay before seeing the movie. Especially considering that his wife is a playwright, I expected him to be a frequent reader of scripts and screen plays. The two that he named were Ninotchka and Pulp Fiction. He was familiar with Ninotchka simply because it had been written up with a shot-by-shot commentary frequently used in film classes, and when he saw the movie he found himself bemused as the figures onscreen actually moved. He read Pulp Fiction because he was to interview QT before seeing the movie. He knew the cast list but as he watched the movie, he discovered that he had assigned all the actors to the wrong parts as he read the screenplay; plus, scenes in the screenplay that seemed to him integral to the movie were cut in the theatrical release. In sum, nothing here to inform me about Doubt, as I was unlikely to confuse the parts assigned to La Streep and PSH as I read the script.

    Hmm. I see that Doubt has returned to the metroplex. Must be back for Oscar season. Off I go to watch it! And not to lower the tenor of the discussion, but speaking of nuns and Amy Adams, see page 10 of the script:

    INT. THE BEDROOM - DAWN
    Sister James has bathed. She’s partially dressed but still
    working on her bonnet. She puts on her rosary.

    Satan tempts me with expectations even as I head for the cineplex.

    Note that nobody says "You're off to see Hamlet? Don't bother. You've already ruined it by reading the script. You should have just let the actors bring the pages to life on your blank slate of a brainpan." I'm treating Doubt as if it were a work that is worth something, not as if it were mere entertainment. My regret is that I'll post this before listening to Shanley's own commentary.

    At this point, imagine Bach's Mass No. 1 in F Major, BWV 233, while you wait. Ba ba dum! Dum deedle doo deedle dum, ba dum! Baaa ba dum!

    OK, I'm back.

    What a pleasure to just settle into my seat in an almost-empty brand-new theater and finally watch the damn movie. I enjoyed it from start to finish. Lots to look at and listen to. The movie felt a little earlier than '64 to me, but not by much, and so what? Back in the day, 90% of Catholic school faculty and staff consisted of men and women in the orders; at present, 95% of the staff is lay, which means that they need to be paid. There used to be 12,000 Catholic schools, a large percentage of them catering to lower- and lower-middle-class populations. Now more and more of them are converting to charter, privitizing, going forward with the moral but not the financial support of the Church.

    Hoffman and Streep and Adams and Davis put on an acting class; let me at that community stage - I want to act! Just in the beginning I noticed that I was focusing a bit on the unlikely babealiciousness of Adams, but my companion murmured to me that there were plenty of cute nuns back then, something that I must have forgotten. Then too, Adams laid on the simpiness pretty thick, but hell, she's a beautiful young woman smothered in a habit; doesn't that automatically signify that she's a raving neurotic? It appears that Adams thought so. Hoffman was born three years after the year in which the play is set. Holy cow, he's forty-one already. Makes a perfect priest. Streep was Streep being Streep and relishing it. Unless I was imagining it when I wrote the fact in my notes, her enjoyment tempered her angst, so I was not surprised when Viola Davis said in her Filmspotting #246 interview how much fun Streep had on set. Streep launched the part playing Sister Mary Stigmata but became increasingly human as the movie wore on. Davis I've seen in 14 movies; she sure got this one right; refer to the interview for her thoughts on preparing for the role. Shanley took a chance writing that scene but it worked for me; the crucial interchange happens fast in an overlapping back and forth between Streep and Davis, emotion dialled up all the way, the scene over too quick for us viewers to start asking questions.

    I was wondering on the way over to the plex whether Streep and Hoffman are currently so overexposed for me that they wouldn't be able to disappear into their parts no matter what they did. As Streep exchanged her Prada for a dowdy habit and her Cle de Peau Beaute for ELF,  could she submerge herself in the part enough to prevent me from watching Streep the actress assaying a new accent, recently arrived from Madison County, say, not some nun I don't know? Well, in the event she remained Streep for me, Streep in person onscreen, apotheosis Streep, but lo also became Sister A as well. No holding back; make em laugh, make em cry, make em shake their heads and come back for more. I've watched so much Hoffman lately, the mind reels. He's a national treasure, or am I just invoking Nicholas Cage when I say that? Watching Hoffman in his Roman collar, I realized that I never quite bought Crosby as Father O'Malley, much as I loved his movies. Shanley's intent, when he set out to write Doubt, was to begin with the Nun and Priest stereotypes and then gradually real the real people beneath. Cherry Jones played sister A as physically weak but spiritually strong. No weakness in the 59-year-old Streep; I kept noticing how strong her wrists looked. Before watching the movie, I had the notion that as a play, Doubt begs for restraint, for cool. So that briefly, in the theater, i wondered what Streep was thinking? Shanley as director wouldn't know any better, but Streep could have grabbed Hoffman by the nape and ordered him to throttle it back and then done the same herself, but no, this Sister A onscreen - who is supposed to be a woman who has spent her life devoted to denial, denial of love, denial of pleasure, denial of coughdrops - show me steel, show me ice, show me the cold vacuum of deep space, not Miss Muffet chewing the carpet. Shanley also takes the tether off Hoffman and we wind up with two overheated actors who know they're delivering Pulitzer lines that, with enough heat, perhaps can be transmuted into Oscar gold (didn't happen). You want certainty? Picture John Wayne as Sister A. Montgomery Clift as Father F - sure he's crazy, tortured, sweating, bug-eyed, but innocent. Or Bing Crosby as Father F. Innocent. Audrey Hepburn or Katherine Hepburn as Sister A, vs der Bingle? How do you pick a winner in an argument between two screen gods?

    But this movie wasn't about that. This movie was about Shanley's youth, the Bronx, the Sisters and Mothers and Fathers. This was about winter color, grays but somehow still warm with memory, warm wtih nostalgia and love and, by God, entertainment.

    I also wondered whether opening out the play on the big screen would help it, harm it, or have no effect. Neighborhood, kids, weather, church and school. The play consists of four individuals talking to each other for an hour and a half. In the original production, the sets are small and close. No children are seen, so that there is a certain problem-play, abstract quality to the proceedings. In the film, the protagonists are dropped into a bustling Bronx school full of children. The abuse issue is no longer academic. A specific child's welfare is at issue. The child does some mooning (not that kind) around the priest. This coming-to-life of the situation affects the artificial parableness of the play; without the movie's constant reminder of children qua children, the proceedings onstage were better able to remain an exercise in thought.

    Anyway, do we the audience know for sure, or think that we know for sure, after watching this film incarnation of Doubt, that Father F is or is not guilty? If so, the dynamics of the play are altered, displaced from the consequences of ambiguity in the face of certainty to questions of moral justice and the consequences of the priest's behavior. The whistle-blower in the case, Sister A, is dismissed from consideration, regardless of the original baselessness of her accusations. When the script presents the wine and locker accusations and the priest's verbal reactions, does Hoffman clothe those reactions in ambiguous anger or innocent surprise or one of a hundred other takes that swing the balance back from guilt? Yes, he does indeed. Clever writing by Shanley. Does the kid have to show gay for his mom's stance to be effective? Well, he doesn't and didn't have to. Was there too much focus on suspect Father F traits like, for example, his thoughts and feelings re long fingernails? So that Doubt morphs into a movie in the genre that includes films like Shadow of a Doubt and The Interview - man seems innocent, isn't? No. Someone complained to me that Father F was made to seem more guilty because when Sister A tells him that she saw him grab William London’s arm, he doesn't defend himself. In the play he explains his action, because the action is never shown, but in the film we see him do it, to check the boy's fingernails, and his silence on the matter later with Sister A seems to me to strengthen him, not weaken him. Shanley knew that the final confrontation between Sister A and Father F was his last chance (almost) to make things come out even. He used 31 camera setups. In the scene, we know that Mrs. Miller has told Sister A that her son is gay, but Father F does not know this. We also know that the boy probably confessed to Father F this fact, but Father F is constrained to keep the fact to himself. Forces swirling. Father F no longer able to step into Sister A's office and sit casually in her chair as if he belonged there, as her natural superior.

    I heard more than once from others that the movie ended with the issue of guilt/innocence resolved for them. Not for me. For me, Shanley and his cast did not fall off the tightrope. There was smoke, perhaps there was fire, perhaps not. My bet: Father F had misbehaved in the past but not in the current situation.

    Last word re Sister A's last words: "I have doubts! I have such doubts!" (1) I take this to be Shanley's last-minute buckling to the pressures of public taste in drama in the modern sensibility - that is, the mandatory inclusion of irony as a base element in any concoction, which is what this play is. Or, (2)these last words are an author's last-minute bright idea, a cry to the prize board, pleading for forgiveness for the thinness of the material but asking for the prize anyway. Or, (3) Shanley is telling us here that Sister A has been on a journey throughout this movie, a journey that has taken her from a desert of self-indulgent, selfish abnegation and selflessness of certainty to an uncomfortable paradise of doubt in the closer presence of God. A final message of hope. Shanley's gift to the Sisters of his youth. Or, (4) Sister A has lied, blackmailed, and bullied, and this final wracking doubt is her punishment for her actions. Or, (5) perhaps this is the last bit of weight Shanley drops into the balance on the innocence side, in case you're leaning toward Father F.'s guilt. In any case, Streep has caught some critical flak for not adumbrating this outburst, even in the smallest way. But I think that in fact she did, especially when she agreed with Father F. that she had sinned mightily in the past. That confession entered into the guilt/innocence calculus going forward. For these last words, did Shanley just refuse to put down the pen in time? Did Hannibal Lector apologize for his diet at the fadeout?

    Am I crazy or is Doubt an old-fashioned feelgood movie?


  • Üç maymun (Three Monkeys): a review

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    Yol  (1982)

    My postman stuck the Turkish movie Three Monkeys into my mailbox just as I was leaving for the unemployment office. While down there looking for work, I asked some of the others in my line why a country on the other side of the world would be named after a big ugly edible bird like that? Most of them told me that the bird was in fact named after the country, not the other way around, because Turkey is where the bird came from. Benjamin Franklin wanted to designate the turkey as our national bird, imagining, I suppose, the turkey to be an indigenous fowl. The first edition of his Poor Richard's Almanac featured an eight-page spread on meleagris gallopavo and its habits, habits which he took to be worthy of emulation by an entire nation and which he strove to imitate, in certain particulars, with several of his more intimate associations while abroad in Paris acting as a representative of our fledgling government, to the vast amusement of the French. Please don't write me about this, not if you already lit me up for my review of "Prodromos Oikonomopoulos," which dealt with the question of Greece vs Grease.

    Three Monkeys arrives as a Cannes prize-winner for its director and an Oscar candidate for best foreign film, and tells a story with the message, Don't accept a jolt in prison as a stand-in for your boss just to make a buck, not if you're leaving behind a "restless" wife and a son who needs your strong hand in order to keep him from getting drunk and beaten to within an inch of his life out on the streets of Istanbul. This tale is burdened in Three Monkeys with no more plot than that which you might find powering a Superbowl commercial; no more plot, that is, than that in a music video. At first, there appears to be a plot - as when it appears that you've happened upon an archaeopteryx in your backyard when you find a couple of its bones and get all excited, but then realize that the whole lizard-bird isn't there, just two drumsticks and a wishbone, which probably came from KFC - so that your dreams of opening a museum in your garage dissipate in the same way as the plot of this movie, the director having a couple of ideas and his male lead in the movie, Yavuz Bingöl, lauding him later in interviews for his fantastic editing job, whereas in truth a story of some sort is there but the plot has gone missing, or never was. Turkish prison? there is more prison in one episode of Arrested Development than in all of Three Monkeys; in other words, for example, the wife does not come to prison and press her bared self against the glass of the interview room for the benefit of her husband (although later, be warned Christian viewers, she does something similar). If you want plot, go hence. Contrariwise, do you meditate? Do you sit staring at the bubbles rising through the lighted but fish-empty water of the 3x3x1 aquarium in your rumpus room? Are you depressed, finding it difficult to move, so that you sit immobile for long periods of time on your divan? If so, you will find the pace of Three Monkeys in accord with your life vibe. How long can one hundred minutes seem? That depends upon whether you are holding your breath or sinking into an REM sleep state. You can walk out of a museum after you've seen enough, and go back later for more: with that in mind, I watched Three Monkeys in ten ten-minute sittings, as episodes. Ten minutes of carefully made cinematic art onscreen seemed just about right for me, the audience in my viewing area. At the end of each episode I wanted more; I never felt restless; I appreciated the photography without getting tired of it, although every once in a while I found myself wanting a voiceover, such as "These walls were built in 1581 by Suleyman Egrip" or "The Argo sailed on the historic water that you see before you 3,000 years ago, bearing Jason on his quest to find the Golden Fleece." Years ago, when I went exploring local urbanscapes with my daughter, helping her break in her new used cameras, back in the day of film and the home darkroom, we always ended up in weedy backlots, on streets lined with ramshackle rundown buildings, industrial landscapes, the interesting rather than the beautiful. Nuri Ceylan, the director of Three Monkeys, is a photographer first, with an interest in the interesting. Istanbul has been accumulating interesting for two thousand years. Ceylan is also an auteur, which means that you'll sit through his long takes and like it. In Three Monkeys, the family's livingroom window looks down upon the Bosphorous, where ply myriad tankers and freighters. You know you're experiencing a long take when you find yourself looking away from the immobile faces of the actors to check on the progress of the boats in the water, which are not, to put it mildly, in any hurry. Please don't write me about long takes, not after my piece on Antonioni and how he was only kidding.

    A reminder of the difference between plot and story, courtesy of E.M. Forester: The king died and then the queen died: story. The king died and then the queen died of grief: plot. That is, a story is a series of events; a plot is a series of events presented so as to provide you with theme, emotion, and drama. Three Monkeys presents a series of events; theme, emotion, and drama are left in the hands of the actors' facial muscles (mixed metaphor or just weird?). According to Bingöl, Ceylan chose the final story from among various possibilities via his edits; one presumes that actions and motivations are somehow connected, so that changing actions will change motivations, but that isn't a problem if mum's the word dialogwise.

    Homework: watch any random movie of the 30s or 40s and notice how there is a lot of plot.

    Screenwriting 101: Foreshadowing. "You've got to pass those university exams this time." "OK." Two pages later in the script: "So, you failed the exams." One page after that: boy arrives home beaten bloody. It's what happens when you don't pass the university exams.

    At the end of '08, the top ten grossing films in Turkey, to the amazement of many, were all Turkish. This has not happened in some time. Meanwhile, American films in Turkey took it on the chin. As a result, new production money has begun flowing back into the Turkish film industry. The top ten were all action and comedy movies. As in the U.S., the majority of Turkish moviegoers view moviegoing as a species of entertainment, as opposed to an artistic activity such as eyeballing the Mona Lisa. The entertainment factor in Three Monkies requires that you be entertained by the oblique, the elliptical, the tickling of your arty bone not your funny bone. What does it mean to watch a movie that is a real downer anyway? Why do we do it? Is it entertainment or an artistic enterprise or both? Ceylan's films are "low-grossing" because of the bone that they tickle and the bone that they don't. His "Distant," also a competitor at Cannes, was seen by less than 00.3% of the Turkish population. He couldn't sell Three Monkeys to Turkish TV - too slow. Turkey has a young, go-go consumer economy, coupled with a crippled intelligentsia. After a 1980 military coup, tens of thousands of leftists were imprisoned, tortured, sometimes murdered. Intellectuals were forced underground and the country hasn't fully recovered yet. But humanistic-moviely speaking, Turkey's serious films are beginning to share some of the weight we've seen in Iranian cinema lately. So Three Monkeys isn't going to show up in your corner metroplex anytime soon - we'll discuss movies vis a vis the U.S. intelligentsia in a later review. Presumably, Ceylan's successes on the festival circuit and with critics worldwide will translate into future production money for himself, and with Three Monkeys he does take a step in the direction of the commercial with the movie's plot, such as it is, and with his decision to use professional actors.

    By the way, expect no humor in this review! I won't chortle over the pain and suffering and misbehaving and just plain general agonization of the characters in this movie. The anger. The death. The brow-knitting. Played out on a foundation of diegetic sound - birdsong, thunder, passing trains, clocks ticking, snoring - and gorgeous, fastidious and photographically photographical photography, so that squalid life will be experienced as an ironic* expression of the ineffable beauty of the universe, objectified in and around Istanbul and instantiated in the mom, dad, and son as portrayed by the three (professional) lead actors. No, no smilin. And what happened to Ceylan's vaunted humor? "I do see humor in even the most tragic situations. I think humor is always the brother of tragedy or sad things; and I think that with humor, tragedy becomes more convincing." So why the Droopy Dan in Three Monkeys? Mr. Gloomy Gus. My theory: Ceylan is 49, at the bottom of the U-shaped curve of happiness. You won't find a director over 60 making a movie like this. Gloom, not unwonted for Ceylan, but sans smiles, unwontedly hangs on his idea of a plot here. Could there be a little Orhan Pamuk-envy involved in this, Ceylan's fifth movie?

    *Turks/Irony: How does Turkish culture deal with/relate to irony? Unfortunately, googling "turks irony" gets you numberless hits re turks/kurds, turks/armenians, turks/iranians, turks in germany, theyoungturks (U.S. anti-Bushites). Lots to be ironic about if you're a Turk, in the context of Asia Minor, but we learn nothing about the irony of being a Turk at home in the Turk's own living room, with garbage barges passing out beyond the window. (Did I mention the fabulous weirdness of that apartmenthouse, by the tracks, by the shore?)

    Anyway, what I'm getting at is, are you familiar with the U curve of happiness? You start out happy in life and, statistically speaking, become increasingly unhappy until you reach your late forties. Thereafter, you begin to grow happy again over the years, assuming that you don't die in the meantime. Applying this phenomenom of human development to filmmakers, we might expect to see them produce their least-happy films at the bottom of their individual U's. Ceylan was 47-48 when he turned off lugubrious with Three Monkeys. Coincidence? I don't think so. "You put all the dark, bad sides of yourself into the films, and so you get rid of them – or at least control them in a better way." Hope it worked!

    Following up on this thought with a couple of our greatest directors:

    Kurosawa at 46 makes "Donzoko" - "His picture of several dreary people thrown together in what appears to be an urban slum or flophouse... Without moving out of the one room for the first hour and a half of the film and then going no further from it than the shabby courtyard outside, he puts his actors through a series of snarling and whining colloquies that express their despair, humiliation, anger, frustration, and grief." (Bosley Crowther, NYT)

    Stanley Kubrick at 47 makes "Strangelove." Humans as fools, plus the end of the world.

    Howard Hawks in his mid-forties - WWII. The Big One. I guess that whatever movies Hawks made or didn't make during this period just didn't amount to a hill of beans compared with the world's death-struggle at the time.

    Ingmar Bergman at 47 makes "The Silence" - "After a prolonged, convulsive attack, Esther implores God to allow her to die in her own homeland. In the end, she is left to die, alone and suffering, in a strange land: unanswered prayers by an absent God." (Acquarello)

    Please don't write to me about the U curve of happiness, not after my last Sidney Lumet prediction.

    Perhaps because Ceylan features the downbeat here, coupled with a dark and distinctive cinematography, the "noir" and "neo-noir" words have been bandied about. We've got to put a stop to this before "noir" becomes a word as useless as "awesome." Noir films are typically crime dramas or psychological thrillers. The plot of a noir movie is complicated, ambiguous, with twists and turns. Noir characters are conflicted antiheros, trapped in situations that force them to make desperate or nihilistic choices. Noir characters can't resist temptation. Three Monkeys isn't a crime drama, although crimes are committed. It isn't a thriller; making us wait for angry, gloomy, cogitating family members to snap and run amok, or not, doesn't qualify the movie as a thriller, more as a nervouser. Three Monkeys has a plot easily fit into a TV Guide capsule description - not so twisty. An envelope stuffed with money shows up, a noir totem, but goes nowhere. Family members in Three Monkeys may be conflicted, but they aren't antiheroes, they're common folk, and they aren't forced to make many choices, they're free to drift into the bad decisions that Ceylan has ready for them, dramaturgulated to keep the ball rolling. There are character flaws in each family member that might lead to ruin, but in Three Monkeys there seem to be psychological counterweights in operation as well. Noir characters find themselves in hopeless situations; the mom, dad, and son here aren't happy, but their situation is by no means hopeless. I myself happened to perceive a little hope at the end of the movie. Call me crazy, but show me a final shot in which a man is one inch high, silhouetted black against a stormy sky, before a distant sea, surrounded by, enveloped by windy gray nature, and for me there is something of hope strong in the image. Ceylan grew up in a tough, fightful multifamily setting and he emerged in one piece, as may these characters, who draw on his past. Note that Eugene O'Neill and Arthur Miller were not noir playwrights. Note that noir visuals include in-you-face light and shadow; Ceylan uses light, shadow, and every other tool in the photographer's toolbox, in all sorts of digital HD ways. The femme fatales in noir would never contemplate suicide, like mom does here. Femme fatales play the hero for a sucker. You'll never see them crazed, agonized, and making a complete fool of themselves in the particular way that mom does here, mom who isn't cruel, just dishonest and dissatisfied. And no magical realism in noir. No Garcia Marquez moments. No imagined scenes followed by, oops, real ones. Ok, enough about that.

    My general theory has been that gloom increases the amount of dialog in a film, but Three Monkeys is a study to the contrary. Ceylan is known not only for slow, but also for taciturn. I've written before about directors who avoid dialog, so I won't go there again. And I won't go there to "go there" again. Ceylan makes a veritable tone poem of a movie here, cinematographically and diegetically speaking, immaculate, but he turns his back on dialog, especially after the 80th minute. He can write questions but he doesn't write answers. Is this because he trusts himself and the D.P. behind the lens, but does not trust himself as a writer (he writes the dialog with other family members). Is there something ironic about a moviemaker who specializes in closeups focusing on the expressiveness of the human face and then leaves us to interpret the results as we choose, while the characters go wordless? Films that rely on sight more than sound are often ambiguous, but here we go beyond ambiguity. How would I know what these characters are thinking? They're Turks. I don't even know what my spouse is thinking and she's 100% USA American. I mean, I know what she's thinking when steam comes out of her ears, but I'm talking about when she's staring-off-into-space here. I'm talking about when she calls me a moron. Well, maybe then I know. But in Three Monkeys, we've got a family of inhabitants of a country with, as I've said, the name of a bird. This isn't my brother Frank. At least let Ceylan write dialog like "I look angry because, being Turkish, I am operating under a rather different social imperative than the one with which you Americans are familiar." Even I could do that. Sure, I can guess what any character is thinking, even Natetodamax, but in fact, any action that an actor takes will perforce be consistent with the fact that, having kept his or her mouth shut, any action is now possible. “Turks are generally practical people, but they have difficulty in putting this into action. We combine German business discipline with the practical Turkish mind.” Oh, well, that's OK then. Example: at the 8 minute mark, the boss asks his driver to take a fall for him. The driver behind his mustache stares off this way and then that way, no expression, and finally, when prompted by his boss or by Ceylan offcamera, I forget which, says, "OK. No problem." So is there Turkish stuff I need to know here? Is there machismo at work? Management/worker labor issues? Genetic fallout from the conquering Turks of yore? Translation tweaks from a non-Indoeuropean language? The Koran?

    Ceylan's excuse, at least a couple of years ago: "I don't believe in words. In general, people lie, they don't tell the truth. The truth lies in what's hidden, in what's not told. Reality lies in the unspoken part of our lives. If you try to talk about your problems, it's not that convincing. People try to protect themselves; everybody has something they want to hide. They try to hide their weak side. When they tell you a story, they make themselves the hero of that story. So without words is better, and it allows the spectator to be more active; he should use his own experience." Uh huh. My boss asked me to confess to making a pot of African CongoBlaze Superforce Coffee in the No-Caff pot. At first I said No! but then, so that the boss could solve the case and look good, I said yes in exchange for her commemoration mug from the '03 Sales event in La Brea. A critic's take: "This film paints a haunting portrait of existential solitude, one in which the images speak louder and often more forcefully than do any of the words. Mr. Ceylan doesn’t write speeches or flatter the audience by offering us more information than he gives his character. His scenes play out to the natural rhythms of life." Uh huh. Even silent movies had the title cards with info on them like "I'm thinking that I should smack her." Chaplin was silent but he wasn't slow. He did not spend a lot of time staring off into space so that we could appreciate the composition of his shots in the meantime. Oh, hell, maybe I'll just write this review without any further dialog. If Ceylan can do it, so can I.

    "Never happen."

    "No, I can do it."

    "You dope."

    "Aw, nuts."

    Alright, alright. I've hired my friend Maurice, who does a great Shakespeare imitation, to go visit Ceylan and sit him down in front of King Lear. Ceylan, you use sound, you use pictures, now write the damn dialog or hire somebody who can.
     
    Can you imagine Bergman saying, "I've decided to stop writing dialog because nobody ever tells the truth?" The fact is, writer-directors write the scripts that they are capable of writing, neither more nor less.

    Don't write me about this, not after the feedback I got when they published that dialog of mine about Life, Death, and the Human Condition between a box of Cheerios and a box of Kix.

    And actually, Ceylan isn't really so bad. His characters do talk to each other. They do ask questions, raise issues. They argue. They shout. They do tell us what's on their minds. At least, for the first 80 minutes, and after that there is enough emotion floating around to keep us informed by osmosis. Ceylan is never as wordless as some of the 6th-generation Chinese directors, like Xiaoshuai Wang and Lou Ye.

    Ceylan dialog that would not be heard in a Hollywood movie: "You paid 5 billion lire for this car?! I was in jail for nine months and didn't spent 900 million the whole time!"

    Ironic moment in the movie with respect to this theme: a man seems to be talking but his lips don't move. Anti-antidialog.

    Having dealt with the slow, the silent, and the gloom - maybe to excess, when in fact a sentence on each would have sufficed, since the heart of the movie is somewhere else - let us now celebrate the principle reason that this movie won Ceylan the director's prize at Cannes - its cinematography by Gökhan Tiryaki. An extended shot of a car driving away through the woods at night, which opens the film, by itself might be worth the price of admission. Ditto some of the best, if not the best, skyscapes I've seen in a movie. I live where there isn't much sky and where there isn't much going on in what sky there is. For me, there can't be too much sky in a film. Ditto too much Bosphorus. Ships riding on the same water as the Greeks on their way to Troy (more or less) and the Persians on their way to Greece (more or less). Ditto trains and their tracks, decrepit apartment buildings, rotting concrete in Istanbul. Ditto uncomfortable attempts at sex in a small room, a heckava mosque, and father-and-son mustaches. The digital world of color, light, and shadow impossible to obtain with traditional film. Differential focusing. Surprising camera angles. Plus, I used to collect coke bottles; now I collect foreign movies that have coke bottles in them, like this one; and speaking of bottles, what better sign that the world is going completely to hell than that plastic water bottles, the ultimate in pollution, are to be seen everywhere, from the Turkish countryside to the magical island of Lost, which can move but can't shake off its plastic bottles. Regarding cinematography, sound, and plot, Ceylan has been accused of overdetermining. Overdetermining is when the dad's words are followed by a thunderclap or when we see a montage that includes a train entering a tunnel, a rocket lifting off, and a sprinkler suddenly spurting (a montage from Naked Gun, but you get the idea). A couple of times I did wonder if and when the temptation to employ more and more digital editing to achieve photographic effects might overwhelm this director. Some of his shots are such that, if you don't happen to be in a charitable mood, they might strike you as goofy. I'm thinking of that argument scene from fifty yards away, for example; made me imagine that the two actors were tying up the 7th green with me looking on and waiting impatiently to play through.

    Ceylan said that he would use professional actors for this movie. The mom, Hatice Aslan, has done a lot of work in TV; the male leads were both born in Istanbul, but Aslan is from Sivas, high on the Anatolian plateau, a town/city that has been around since before the Hittites and is the primary source of Kangal dogs. "Beyond Kayadibi the country dogs were the largest and most savage of any I had met. In theory you are entitled to defend yourself against them, even to the point of killing; but in practice may not do so, except at great subsequent personal risk." (1917) The dogs defend their flocks against wolves and jackals, but I digress. The dad in the movie, Yavuz Bingöl, is better known as a musician: "Acting and music, these are not fields which necessarily nourish one another. I am more at ease when making music and am not that comfortable as an actor, although I guess I could say I picked up acting pretty quickly. I never felt like I had to get special lessons on acting or go to any acting school; I just act while trying to feel the actual characters I‘m playing... Actually we had worked with a few alternatives in Three Monkeys, so I really had no idea what sort of film would emerge in the end... It is a film full of surprises. It can make viewers perceive all sorts of different things " Translation: "Hey! Ceylan managed to cut together a story that made sense of all that."

    Actor's note: a thick black mustache can be a big help, especially when you're grabbing your wife by the hair in bed. Homework: compare Sam Elliot's movies, made with and without the stache.

    Acting Excercize 101: You're sitting in a chair with your purse on your lap. Your cellphone rings in your purse. The phone is playing a love song with ironic lyrics. You must fumble for the phone, trying to extract it from your purse, for the length of time required for the first verse of the song to complete, but not the chorus. During this time, you must register embarrassment, confusion, resignation, suprise, etc., because the phone is interrupting your important conversation with someone. Mercifully, the camera turns away from you for the last half of this exercise, so that only the frantic sounds of your rummaging will be heard. Note: the purse will not be large. Later in the movie it will take your hubby about 10 seconds to do the same thing.

    Acting Exercise 102: You're sitting on a bench in a train station, dressed up. You're staring off into space. You look concerned. The audience tries to figure out what you're thinking. Look more concerned. Now look more concerned. When you're absolutely sure that you've got the audience's attention, vomit.

    Acting Exercise 103: Stare off into space without smoking. Hey, where's the cigarettes? This is Turkey. Turkish tobacco? Camels? Hello? No cigarettes, as mom, dad, and son hang out down by the water. No smokes at the Turkish wedding. We get a glimpse of the son with a butt in his fingers at minute 49, two brief moments of puffing by the dad, and then the dad, finally, smokes a fag at the very end of the movie. Turkey passed a no-smoking-in-bars-and-restaurants law at the start of '08; did that have something to do with this, or is Ceylan just a health nut? A valuable prop tool has been ripped from the fingers of his actors.

    Critics who were watching a different movie: "The script is right up Will Shakespeare's alley." "Astute psychological insights." "A subtly-twisty yarn."

    Finally, the monkeys.

    There are no monkies in this movie.

    The three monkeys? Hear No, See No, Speak No? What happened to Act No and Think No? What do the three monkies mean, anyway? There are folks who collect these monkeys. Do they know what the monkies are supposed to signify, or do they just have a monkey jones? There is a market for these monkeys. Is there a three-monkies carving in your crazy uncle's footlocker down there in the basement? Got a three-monkeys statue, cup, or commode up in your attic? There is no scene in the movie in which the three protagonists sit side-by-side in the three-monkey pose, so don't wait for that. ("monkies" = 32 million hits; "monkeys" = 38 million hits.)

    Three-monkey explanations:

    1. The monkeys remind us not to be snoopy, nosy, or gossipy.

    2. The monkies are associated with Vadjra, who commands us to stay away from places where immoral acts are taking place. If we do not hear, see, or speak evil, we will be spared evil. If we aren't exposed to evil, we will not reflect that evil in our own speech and actions.

    3. The phrase describes someone who doesn’t want to get involved, turning a blind eye to the immorality of an act in which they are involved.
     
    In an interview, Yavuz Bingöl goes for #3: "This three-monkeys rule is at play around the world in human relations. It seems to have taken root in people in the sense that there is a What's-it-to-me? mentality ruling over people. In fact, I believe this mentality is one which is reflected in human relations or imposed on people as a result of capitalism. Faced with wars, natural disasters, and various crises, people continue to play the role of the three monkies. But actually, we are all passengers on the same ship, and this ship is sinking." Strange words coming from the guy who, as the dad in the movie, lays on the "What's-it-to-me? What's-it-to-me! I'll-show-you-what's-it-to-mother-freaking-me!" throughout the film.

    Those flm critics who have addressed the monkey question seem in general to interpret the title in a similar sense: "A film that's driven less by action and active decisions than by the hope that consequences will somehow just fade away." Where did this notion come from? The fact is, Ceylan advances the story by having mom, dad, and son ask, answer, confess, react from start to finish. A Turkish speaker once told me that Turkish word order is opposite to that of English. Does that inversion extend to the meaning of movie titles? Some evil is spoke; some is not spoke. Some evil is heard; some is not heard. Some evil is seen; some is not seen. There is a keyhole scene. The See No chimp glues his eye to it? (Regarding inversion: the principal protagonist in this film is named Eyüp. The co-writer of the film is Ebru. Three Monkeys spelled backwards is Eerht Syeknom. Just sayin.)

    Mom, dad, and son don't want to get involved? I'm guessing that the actors were left to devise their own motivations. There isn't much motivational narrative on offer in the dialog. Ceylan's material tends to be autobiographical; perhaps he wasn't sure of the motivations of his own family members either. But I see no turning of the blind eye here.  Since this is a dialog-lite movie, it's the No Thinkin monkey that you'd expect to get the biggest workout, but no, mom, dad, and son never seem to stop thinkin, from start to finish. You know how when somebody drinks throughout a movie, you want to go have a drink afterwards? Or when somebody eats noodles throughout a movie, you want to go eat noodles afterwards? When this movie concluded, I wanted to go somewhere dark and think till I sweat.

    The point being, the mom, dad, and son at times do not speak evil, but at other times do speak evil. At times, they look away from evil but at other times they look at it. They seek it out. They hear it and sometimes react and sometimes refuse to react. So which type of monkies are they supposed to be? The moment the dad gets out of prison, he's asking about the money, he's visiting the grave of his dead son with his living son and policing the area, he's asking pointed questions about his wife and her behavior. Dad imagines mom about to jump, doesn't stop her. Sees her about to jump, stops her. This does not fit the ignore-it monkey template. The son goes out and gets beat up. He embezzles his dad's money. He does worse. He does not ignore his mom's behavior. Hears the bedsprings of evil. Here comes the smell of evil: cigarette smoke in the bedroom of a woman who doesn't smoke.

    Or are mom, dad, and son each one particular monkey? The son would be, let's see, he sees and speaks evil; doesn't hear evil? The mom speaks and hears evil and doesn't speak it? The dad hears and speaks evil, never sees it? Seems like a stretch.

    Another possibility: the three monkeys are represented by the three men in the mom's life. If that's the case, we're going with monkeys qua monkies.

    Or is Ceylan's point that the three should behave like the monkies but don't? No, because they do monkey-act in crucial ways. The movie is referred to as a "family secrets" drama, but neither dad nor mom nor the son seem to have any secrets from each other, not with a house full of those keyholes and bedroom and bathroom doors with frosted windows in them, something I haven't seen before. Plus all that thinkin the three of them do. Or is it that they keep secrets from everybody else but not from each other - do these three monkeys actually get together when we're not looking and let it all hang out?. Mom, dad, and son do take action; all three attempt to change their circumstances. For father and son, family, above all, comes first. For the mom, not so clear. But they all take action.
     
    Spare me the mumbo jumbo about this family's lack of moral grounding and how it's a comment on the greater society.

    The mom's clinging to her affair? This comes right out of the blue. Foreshadowing exercise: have a character look intense and troubled and then have him or her go ahead and do anything that your plot requires. "Troubled" can translate to any action, so that's OK.

    Suppose that you title a movie "The Golden Rule."  What does that suggest? That everybody breaks the Rule and suffers? Or breaks it and ironically prospers? Or follows it? Or that it's about Krugerrands or suchlike?

    Instead of "Three Monkeys," how about "A Ruminant, a Stoat, and a Young Hyena"?

    I don't mind trying to figure out what it all means if I believe that it all means something in the first place. There is forgiveness here, that I know. It's obscured but in the end, for me at least, the film opens onto the future.

    Don't write to me about this, not after my exegesis on The Three Stooges vs The Holy Trinity.

    In the end, let's give Ceylan the last word: "I think we do it in life, also, many times — every one of us. We play three monkeys."

    In this movie, Ceylan does not go full monkey.

    If you liked Three Monkeys, you might also like "Yol" (1982), a Turkish film about rural Kurdish life.


  • Larry the Cable Guy

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    When I wrote a review of Game Over the other day, I paid special attention to the movie's opening minutes. Watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector tonight, I noticed that it featured a similar opening, and I thought that it would be interesting to compare the work of  Larry Carrell and Josh Drapehs, Game Over's filmmaking novices, with that of professional director Trent Cooper and star Larry the Cable Guy (Dan Whitney). It's actually Trent's first and only feature so far, but he has done a couple of prize-winning shorts and his budget was considerably larger than Larry and Josh's $2500, even if most of it went for Whitney's salary.

    We're talking here about the opening scene in which the hero wakes up in his bachelor digs and gets his day started. It's been done a thousand times.

    Game Over (GO):

    1:05 f-bomb #1
    1:15 modest home, outdoor view
    1:20 the word "fart"
    1:45 cereal and beer, mixed
    2:10 actual fart
    2:30 socks with holes, underpants, butt crack
    3:35 stream of urine, poorly aimed
    4:20 pop tart and sour milk
    4:21 sour milk back into fridge
    4:50 cat
    5:45 hearse
    6:15 bird (finger, not feathered)
    6:18 overweight transvestite prostitute at the corner of McFarland and Navigation in Houston
    8:11 f-bomb #2, bird #2
    8:39 poop
    9:47 roaches 

    Health Inspector (HI):

    0:20 grappling with and dropping alarm clock
    1:01 butt crack
    1:15 stepping in pizza
    1:35 reusing Q-tip for ear wax
    1:50 stream of urine in shower. more yellow, probably due to larger budget for effects.
    2:08 using shirt for towel, putting shirt on
    2:38 sour milk back into fridge
    2:53 modest home, outdoor view, with retarded neighbor
    4:12 fly in the cafe mayo
    4:37 nose-wiping chef
    5:10 roaches

    What do we learn?

    1. HI is paced twice as fast as GO. Seems like a pro thing. Cut out the cat and the hearse and the cereal and beer.
    2. HI went with the bankable special-needs mentally challenged character rather than the in-your-face fat transvestite nymphomaniac. I was ok with either. Might work to combine them?
    3. HI holds back on the farts till the second ten minutes. Make 'em wait for it.
    4. HI wants the PG-13, so no f-bombs. GO went R in the first ten minutes, so after that they could unlease a righeous torrent of choice dialog.
    5. More roaches in HI, but that was just the budget talkin.
    6. Cooper put up Iris Bahr (aka Iris Bar-Ziv) against the cable guy. Got the country boy vs urban Jewess mojo working there. GO casting included players of many races but steered clear of ethnic humor, mostly.
    7. GO showed its ace in the hole, well out of the hole, which was the poop, right away. Should have held back, not showed it so soon, just have folks reel back in horror at the sight and smell, build the suspense? HI rolled with simple earwax and mucus.

    With the seasoned professional, it's slick entertainment. With the beginner you get the joie de vivre.


  • The Curious Case of Brad Pitt

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    The name Benjamin Button is odd, but the name that always bothered me a little was Brad Pitt. I would ask myself, why choose a name like Pitt for your screen name? This was before I realized that these days, lots of actors keep their own names, regardless, and that Thomas Bradley Pitt was one of them.

    It never bothered me that the two Pitts were Prime Minister. Eartha Kitt was OK. Mitt was OK, though I didn't like his politics. I've got nothing against armpits, or fruit pits, or Pittsburgh.

    Just seemed like a strange name to choose. Now if he ever marries Angelina (whose real name is Angelina Jolie Voight), she can be Angelina Pitt.


  • Time Travel Plots - OK or not OK?

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    Primer  (2004)

    The grandfather paradox: you go back in time and kill your grandfather, which means you were never born and couldn't have gone back and committed the murder in the first place.

    This paradox is easily explained if you keep in mind that the universe comprises matter and energy, and that space and time are only ways to describe the current state of matter and energy, not corporeal entities in their own right. In that context, time is not a river flowing in only one direction. It, like space, is merely a way of specifying the arrangement of matter and energy in one of the universe's infinite states. (And btw, if you choose a system of units in which the speed of light = 1, then E = M, because matter and energy are actually the same thing.)

    So you and your grandfather are collections of matter and energy, little bits of the universe's total supply. In one state of the universe, he's alive and you haven't been born. In another state, he's dead and gone and you're alive. In a third state, the two of you are in the same place and you're murdering him.

    The seeming paradox arises when you think of time as that simple stream, moving only in one direction. The universe is in fact a limitless collection of individual moments in which every quanta existent occupies a particular spot defined by time, space, and physical state coordinates. It's as if the universe were a giant, static, space-time cube or matrix. If we had the perspective, we could see that every possible position of every quanta is present; this means, as far as we are concerned, that every possible thing that could happen has happened and hasn't happened, will happen and won't happen, going both forward and backward in time - that is, every state in some sense is there already.

    What this means is that pretty much any sci-fi timetravel plot ever contrived is OK - the plot for Primer, for example.

     


  • The Dark Knight

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    The Dark Knight  (2008)

    The Longshots  (2008)

    When The Dark Knight ended, I thought, well, there won't ever be another one quite like that. I felt sort of sad about it, but was also glad that the movie was so good and that I had seen it. Ledger put his mark on the movie and now he's gone. A sequel might be as good or better than The Dark Knight, but it won't be the same. Ledger's death instantly made The Dark Knight one-of-a-kind, frozen in time. The old saying ran through my head, "After they made this one, they broke the mold." Acting in this movie, Ledger made the mold that the industry was undoubtedly planning to use, and will probably still try to use, in the future, but it won't be the same. Ledger made the mold and when he died, he broke it.

    I happened to watch The Longshots next and I can report that the longshots mold is not broken. Lowly team of losers, its coach a struggling yet tough and tender man adrift, a woman who will stand by her man - in this case, two women, actually, the genre's duties split between a sister-in-law and a teacher of the coach's neice. Small town somewhere in the midwest. And some kind of first - first all-black team or first team of kids from reform school or first native-american girls hoop team or hockey team of kids who can barely skate or the last baseball team before the town's ballfield is plowed under and planted in corn, or... well, in this case, first Pop Warner team with a female quarterback. But this particular species of sports mold over the years has been reworked to this extent: the lowly underdogs make it to the championship game, yes, but in that last .01th of a second, they no longer always win. In, say, 70% of the movies they win, but otherwise, they do a little character-building losing. Adds a little suspense to the movies now. How will The Longshots come out? Will they win or lose? And then, in this genre, before the credits roll, those little postscript epilog messages pop up: "The next year, in 1955, the Wartberg Warthogs came back to Septic Field and this time won the championship, 99-0, led by Sissy Stirrups, even though she played with a broken breastbone, no two broken breastbones, the whole season."

    Molds were also in play in Last Man Standing. I was in the mood for Bruce Willis and a lot of two-fisted automatic handgun fire, which is why I snagged it at Blockbuster. Yojimbo created the mold, Fistful of Dollars came out of it, and so did Last Man Standing. The same movie, three cultures, and the mold is not broke.

    Three movies that didn't bother with a mold that could be broken later - no mold was ever made - these movies are unique: The Saddest Music in the World, The Fall, and Summer Love. Saddest Music and The Fall are relatively well known hereabouts. Piotr Uklanski's Summer Love is a Polish Spagetti Western in which Val Kilmer gets plugged at the beginning of the movie and lies dead throughout the rest of it. A film surpassingly strange and a lot of fun (U.S. title: Dead Man's Bounty).

    More movies that didn't break the mold: Breaking the Mold: The Kee Malesky Story (2003); Michael Caine: Breaking the Mold (1991); TV Land Landmarks: Breaking the Mold (2004).

    Just plain old mold: Black Mold Exposure (2009), Mold on a Peach (2002), Toxic Mold Solutions (2003).

    Uplifting: Molder of Dreams (1991), Moldovskaya skazka (1951), Love Molds Labor (1911).

    Downlifting: Down with America 3: Moldy Kitten (1999), Moldy's Madhouse (2001), Cet imbécile de Rimoldi (1961).

    Not so moldy: Smoldering Lust (1993).

    Dlom (mold spelled backwards): Discounts For Lack Of Marketability: The Movie (2007).


  • The Pixar Story: A Review

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    The Pixar Story  (2007)

    The Pixar Story is an inhouse documentary presenting, in 88 minutes, the Pixar story. It's slick, it's historical, and if you're interested, it's worth a watch. Not so easy to find, though, unless you're willing to download it from not-your-public-library, where it is available in abundance.

    I could see Pixar from my office window. A Sarah Palin thing. I don't mean that I could see it now if I wanted to but don't want to, I mean that I used to could see it, but that was a couple of offices ago, back in the 80s. Sitting at my desk I could make it out. At the time, my office window looked out over a parking lot where a hawk swooped down and grabbed a pigeon, and even if you think that pigeons are flying rats, I'm sorry, but I've had rats for pets. Except for that naked tail, they're pretty cool. This was back when I worked above the Sand Dabs Restaurant and the aroma of deep-fried dabs would rise up right around naptime - back when I could see Pixar, I mean, not back when I had the rats; in fact, back when I could see Pixar, I had a parakeet, and in addition to Pixar, I could see the office of the parakeet's doctor, off to the left. Pixar was across the street behind the multistoried, zigguratlike Ask building, next to the Target loading dock. I could have worked at Pixar; I mean, I could have walked in and applied for a job, instead of jogging past the building every day. I guess that I could say the same about Yahoo when it was still stuck in a little building on the Central Expressway, next to the Decathalon Club - where, having laid off 15,000 last week, it may end up again - or when I worked three buildings down from Google on Garcia, when Google was just being born and was peddling their search engine incestuously to Yahoo. That's why I think of Pixar as sort of related to Target, because they were side by side, and because of the Target-like product packed into Toy Story as a consequence of the animators going over to Target for their pre-Starbucks coffee during their early brainstorming. But the point is, Pixar from the start was connected in its spiritual innards to Hollywood, whereas my company abandoned Jesus in those tough times and signed a deal with the Defense Department, so that while Pixar was working on 3D-landscapes to entertain, and while the DOD was abandoning their attempts to teach homing pigeons in the warheads of Cruise missles to peck at touchscreen pictures of the terrain around Verbiblobstakaya and instead was rolling into Silicon Valley like a Stephen-King black fog to shop for databasemaker systems that could map a route from a silo north of Seattle to the center of Moscow, to be used by a missle travelling the whole shot at a height of 3 feet above the steppe, my company was vectoring down 101 past Moffett Field to the Blue Cube and Lazy L. Leaving me in the end with this question: if one guy wins an Oscar for animation and the other guy contributes to the destruction of the human race via massive nuclear strikes, which one wins? Mothers, don't raise your children to build bombs tra la. Pixar moved across the bay to Richmond Point, anyway; impossible commute. For another time: how game designers and animators fit in, the sales and use of whose work dwarfs the efforts of Pixar and its kin; but does not dwarf, in spite of all those dollars and all that game violence, the real bomb makers.

    Pixar started out as a group of bright young people in Lucasfilm, got bought by Steve Jobs from Lucas, made some hits, went public, made some more hits, sold out to Disney, made Ratatouille and Wall-E while managing, despite being acquired and despite the aging of its bright young people, to avoid absorption by Disney, and subsequent decline. So far. The Pixar Story - the movie - was completed in the Ratatouille timeframe. On a parallel timeline, Pacific Data Images started out with some bright young people, contributed to some movies, sold out to Dreamworks, made some hits, spun off as PDI/Dreamworks, made some more hits. Whereas I could see Pixar from my office window, I can see PDI from the roof of my house, down in a complex that does its little bit to wreck the baylands. A friend who works there tells me that the old timers - PDI was founded in 1979 - say that the atmosphere in the company hasn't changed so much over the years. Dreamworks, at the other end of the state, hasn't done to PDI yet what Disney will probably end up doing to Pixar.

    The Pixar Story comprises animated snippets alternating with talking heads. I've had it up to here with talking heads. Especially serious heads, telling me how hard they worked, lord how hard, and are all now without exception crudzillionaires. But wait a minute. I go out in my shorts every day and while jogging listen to the Washington Post political podcast, Slate, Washington Week, MacLaughlin, To the Point, Day By Day (RIP), News and Notes (RIP), Left Right and Center, The New Yorker Out Loud, Planet Money, so forth. Or did until I downloaded The Fountainhead the other day and got sidetracked by 30 hours of Ayn Rand. Is it that I need the talking heads? I talk back? Hold the IPOD like a phone to my ear and talk into it? One talking head in The Pixar Story that caught my attention was the former CEO of Robertson Stephens Investment Bank, which went down hard when the dot.com bubble burst. Watching him was like watching Hamlet talking to the skull in the graveyard. And George Lucas, get off the screen! You have lost your right to pontificate about anything ever again. Thank God your divorce and Howard the Duck made you dump Pixar before you started writing stories for it.

    Man, did Steve Jobs make a bundle off Pixar. The magic touch. Apple, NeXT, Pixar. My daughter-in-law's sister is his favorite serving person in Woodside. Another Palin thing. He's a good tipper, or maybe that's just money falling accidentally from his pocket when he pulls out his handkerchief. I also won a free lunch at a lunchwagon that parked outside NeXT every workday noon, two blocks dowon from the Glomar Explorer. I got pinworms along with the lunch, which only in recent years can you treat with an over-the-counter remedy; before that, you had to get a prescription and the only place you could get one, if you were the typical carrier of pinworms, was in the emergency room, so that when I fell off a ladder and separated both shoulders and was transported in exquisite pain to the hospital, transported, I had to wait to be seen in line behind three individuals with pinworms, such being the vagaries of triage. For this I do not blame Steve Jobs. In the movie, which took seven years to make, Jobs retains the fat of midlife and good living, which has since melted away with his cancer. :(

    What's the difference between "It's hard to remember" and "It's easy to forget"? Young kids just out of school, wearing those cotton pants that I always thought would be a reasonable alternative to jeans but could never find, and short-sleeved patterned shirts still favored by the Indian employees hereabouts. Animation scientists. Lasseter gets canned from Disney in the first 15 minutes of The Pixar Story. I googled "roy disney weird looking." 154 hits but not the kind that I was expecting.

    Sign of the times: notice how nobody asks for "a reasonable facsimile thereof" anymore? The copy now equals the original. Back in the day, you had to sit down and draw a bunch of boxtops that looked like the single one that you had, in order to buy the poster without having to ten boxes of Wheaties. How long before live actors will no longer be needed, or wanted, in films, squeezed out by their virtual brothers and sisters? How long before actors join gas-station attendants in their netherworld? Or will actors hang on like supermarket checkout clerks, battling automation? Note that PIXAR spelled backwards is RAXIP (Replace Actors with Xygotefree Illusionary Personas). Didn't Steve Jobs as a young man look like the devil? Now what? Live actors to take refuge in/on the internet? How will that work? Porn is practically there already, but I mean otherwise?

    When computer animation cranked up, old-fashioned pen-and-ink cartoonists were in fear for their jobs; The Pixar Story shows them still busy with those pencils, but my friend at PDI never sees anyone with pencil in hand, away from the keyboard. In the future, I'm sitting on my couch in front of my Sony holographic box and my neighbor, who already, here in the present, bemoans the paucity of gigs in the acting profession, says to me, "Hey, I could do that!" as we watch a movie in which Buzz Lightyear appears to actually be the authentic Clark Gable. No, my neighbor couldn't do that, because Gable pulls off his leg and beats a chicken with it. Pathetic.

    Sure, live actors will keep acting. I just wrote a review about two guys who spent 29K doing a 9-day shoot for their movie. But you know what? They spent another 500+ days at the computer using Adobe Creative Suite 3. But yes, live actors will persist. There are still clipper-ship captains, aren't there? About four of them, versus thousands in the 1800s. There are still muleskinners. Or are there? There aren't that many damn mules anymore. Mine is gone, laid low by loneliness. There isn't a single mule in the family anymore. You ever eat mule? There's good eatin on a mule. And you know how they say that if gays can marry, next thing some guy will marry his goat? What about cartoons? One fellow applied to marry Jessica Rabbit. He was turned down not because she was a cartoon, but because she was a rabbit. If I marry the cartoon Maggie Gyllenhaal, does that mean that nobody else can too? Does it mean that I can get that scene in Sherry, Baby removed so that nobody can watch it but me? From here on out, PDI is going strictly 3D-with-the-glasses for theatrical releases - the next step toward these unholy unions? And what about those scriptures that say the sheeps will be separated from the goats? Why the goat-hate?

    With regard to blockbusters: when an animated blockbuster becomes absolutely indistinguishable from a real one, will anyone ever hire 10,000 extras again, or travel to strange and photogenic sites, a la The Fall? Will DIY filmamakers at their computers bifurcate into the ones who make extravagant swashbucklers and the ones in the mumblecore community who mumble to themselves alone in the dark of night bathed in the glow of their flatpanels? There are a few folks out there who prefer vinyl records to digital CDs because the imperfections and underproduced music on the wax disks imbue the music, or so they say, with a richness missing in the sterile digital world. Will it be like that with the movies? Or will the enterprising animator let a boom mike hang down into the frame and add projector film scratches to create such effects for the old-fashioned movie afficinado?

    Tom Hanks and Tim Allen have a word to say in The Pixar Story. Is it weird that the actors' bodies go first, so that only their voices remain in the movie? "Oh, Tom Hanks is in Toy Story. Isn't that wonderful." When animation makes the computerized actor identical to the real one, but voice technology continues to lag behind the visual, Tom Hanks will be dubbing himself. He'll get paid for the use of his image, of course, but he won't be acting anymore. Or worse, he'll take the money for his image but refuse to do his voice, and then he'll find himself watching himself onscreen sounding like Michael Madsen, who will do literally anything for a buck. And then virtual actors onscreen who become favorites won't be copies of current living favorites anymore - well, they might be, replicas of John Wayne, Jean Harlow, favorites old and new - but more often they'll be new nonexistent actors. And then Tom Hanks' voice will be animated too and used for an imaginary character instead of himself, maybe another Woody (who actually looks and acts more like Dick Van Dyke), and Hanks will be paid for that too and can go spend his money at the Old Actors' Home. But I'm no Luddite. Who will now take the plunge and animate Hilary Swank? Meanwhile, the virtual stars will marry - strange ceremonies on tropical islands where only the animators are present. The virtual stars will have children, who will also become stars. Since they'll be rich, the virtual stars will adopt real babies from Africa. They'll cheat on each other. Thank God there will be virtual Jimmy Stewarts around to maintain some reasonable standards. But then, some sorehead will bring back Anita Bryant.

    In The Pixar Story, the heads talk and then we see the cartoons they created. Irony?


  • GAME OVER: THE SECRET LIFE OF GAME STORE CLERKS - A REVIEW

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful. [What do you think?]

    WARNING! I'm writing this on the toilet. Got a problem with that? Then stop reading now.

    ehhnnnunnngggggggg

    Game Over targets the 13-to 40-year-old male gamer demographic. This review is for them.

    eennn... eennn... nnnnggggggggg

    My God, what did I have for dinner? Too much corn!

    OK, I borrowed that corn part from the movie.

    Spoiler: There is pooping.

    OK, now that we've got rid of the fuddy duddies... What, you still here?

    gggggggnnnnnnn aaaaaaaaaaahh  it burnnnnns!!!

    Plop.

    Ok, that should do it.

    Courtesy flush.

    Look, you write a review or make a movie with lots of fart and poop jokes, you're taking a chance. The guys on FilmCouch #94 talk about this. Tell a plain old clean bad joke and everybody groans when they hear it and then move on. Tell a poop joke that flops and folks wonder where your head is at. The creators of Game Over, Larry Carrell and Josh Drapehs, made their coprophilistic choices with eyes wide open and nostrils clamped shut. It's the demographic, stupid. They've got a poop prop (I hope it's a prop) and they're not afraid to use it. This morning I unlocked my own fake-poops cabinet, trying to remember exactly what that expression was on my secretary's face the last time I used one on her.

    Hey, I'm walking an effing tightrope here. My mom could read this.

    ffflllaaaaaaaaappp

    I read somewhere that you lose your PG-13 rating when you put more than one F-bomb in a movie. I was wondering how long it would take Game Over to go from PG-13 to R. The first 10 minutes of the movie:

    1:01 first luchadore
    1:05 first F-bomb
    1:25 first look at Ungowa world headquarters (can also be viewed on Google Street View)
    1:20 first use of the word "fart" 
    1:45 first cereal and beer, mixed 
    2:10 first actual fart 
    2:30 first socks with holes, underpants, and butt crack 
    3:35 first stream of urine, poorly aimed 
    4:20 first pop tart and sour milk 
    4:50 first cat 
    5:45 first hearse 
    6:15 first bird flipped 
    6:18 first overweight transvestite prostitute at the corner of McFarland and Navigation 
    8:11 second F-bomb and bird (there goes the PG-13) 
    8:39 first poop 
    9:47 first politically incorrect use of roaches 

    Now that I've sold you on the movie, you're probably asking yourself where you can get Game Over. Not easy. A trailer, yes, that you can watch right now. There's one on YouTube with the cockroaches in it. The movie is listed in IMDB, but so are 28 other Game Overs, and at the moment it's categorized as "in production." A second, R-rated trailer - the F trailer - provides you with a look at the main prop with its corn, plus Willie Nelson, Hunter Thompson, the Phantom Shitter, carpet F-bombing, the movie's climatic fart, and much, much more. You can also visit the film's website, which greets you with a voice asking "What's that smell?" I mean, who do you have to poop on in Houston to get a copy of this DVD? Ungowa is working with Amazon and Without A Box, now owned by Amazon, to provide you with Game Over; the arrangements should be complete by January '09. Ungowa is also working on distribution, festivals, pay per view, and DVD, at a price you can afford, at least until the U.S. and the rest of the world finish going to financial hell. For now though, your best bet is to head down to Houston - road trip! - for ONI-CON, Dec. 19 - 21, for Game Over's world premiere, two showings, plus a Q&A with Larry and Josh, plus Josh in his El Farto costume, made by his mom, who is a professional costume maker, plus DVDs of the movie for sale.

    Those of you in the target demo, feel free to leave now, cause that's all the good parts. Bye.

    When Kevin Smith made Clerks, did he create a genre? Because if he did, Game Over is in it. The clerks are in the store. Carrell, who has been working in a game store himself, wrote a script about something he knows. He and Drapehs rented a vacant bakery which served as the set for three different game stores and a video store, dressed over two and a half days with discount items. The set looks good to me, as do the customers who come into it. Carrell located the action mostly in one place, in the same way that Invaders From Mars, for example, featured a sheriff's office, a courtroom, a living room, etc., all using the same set with different dressing.

    Carrell and Drapehs, best friends, movie lovers, both with a degenerate sense of humor, spent 20+ years working together in the haunted-house business, dealing with budgets in the $50K to 200K range, managing up to 40 actors. In Houston, they helped build the sets for Alice Cooper's Nightmare, an interactive horror movie.  a couple of years ago, they decided to quit, take day jobs to make a buck, and create this movie. Carrell tells me that it's the story that moves people, but in Game Over, it's the bowels that move. But never forget, bowels don't move people; people moving bowels move people.

    Karina Longworth moderated a panel at the Denver Film Festival called DIY Filmmaking in an Indie Apocalypse. She talks about the panel on a recent FilmCouch podcast - about the fact that the major studios are backing away from Indie filemaking - making the point, among others, that the Carrells and Drapehses of this world will keep making movies regardless of where the big money goes, and that the DIY movement is alive and well. Carrell and Drapehs did not go to film school. Everything they have learned, they have learned by reading, talking to others, trying things out, and, hey, making Game Over. They hustled and scraped to come up with some money. Drapehs and Carrell ran with the hounds and hunted with the foxes. That makes no sense but I wanted to get it in.

    I myself personally have not made a movie per se, but I did decide to paint my house a while back. If I had known in advance what I was getting myself into, I wouldn't have started. The magnitude of the task - the prep issues, the paint issues, rounding up the help, the weather, surviving on a ladder, the random interruptions of everyday life - blossomed, ballooned, what's a good paint metaphor? Spread like a kicked-over can of bright red paint on your new oak floor. It's like when you say hey let's have a baby! It'll be fun! Twenty-two years later they leave the nest and break your heart. And then move back in. And then go mumblecore on you. You work, you slave, they rip your heart out and... aw just go watch Lee J. Cobb at the end of Twelve Angry Men and take his rant as written. But anyway, interviewing the filmmakers, I got the idea that making a movie is like that. The actual shoot took only nine days - that's all the time off that Larry had from the game store - and they were constrained also by their budget of $2,500 - but from the runup to the shoot to the post-production work - well, that's still going on - the project has consumed 2 or 3 years - and that's the last of the dashes I'm going to use - haha. I described in an earlier review how Jason Kohn decided to make Manda Bala and ended up spending five years on it. So making a movie is a lot of work, even more work than painting a house. Or at least as much. And then some more work after that. So be prepared if you set out to make one. Shooting the thing is just one part of a much larger effort.

    Being realistic, Carrell wrote most of the roles in the movie for cast members who hadn't acted before, roles that allowed them to just be themselves. There are 77 names on the cast list. 77 is a lot of anything, including people. I couldn't find half that many for my firstborn's bris. Nobody got paid (but there were refreshments at the bris). Drapehs's mother, sister, and nephews are in the movie. Larry's brother Rex played Hunter Thompson in the movie. There are friends of many stripes in the movie. And several professionals. Larry and Josh used Craig's List to line up the rest. Everyone's lines are scripted and everyone learned their lines except for the writer/director/star, who was so busy with everything else that with the cameras rolling he kept finding himself winging it. It's fun to watch the non-professionals act naturally while the pros chew the scenery. I was wondering about the kids dropping F bombs. That is, about whether there are industry rules regarding language used by minors, or Houston child-labor laws, or an outraged Christian public, or whatever. The kids in Game Over all signed releases, and their parents were present for the shoot. One boy was a little unsure about letting the F word pass his lips but his parents told him it was ok. I'm trying to picture my mom dealing with this:

    "Hey, Ma, I'm in a movie! Is it ok if I say f**k?... Hey! Ouch! Lay off! Mother f**k! Ow!"

    Tip of the hat to the Blues Brothers and the nuns for that thought. There is nothing new.

    Anyway, the day comes and everybody shows up.  Nine days for the shoot. Turns out that Drapehs knows the owner of Smart Multimedia (industrial videos) and the owner came down, looked around, saw the Canon XL1 the crew was going to use, and went back and got a JVC Pro High Def to use instead. Then you shoot the film, 40 more hours of it than you need because you're just learning what you need to reshoot when you redo a scene, and then everybody goes home and you fire up Adobe Premier and get to work editing until Hurricane Ike rolls in and you lose power for two weeks, plus your computer is fried, but you've got everything backed up and you upgrade to Adobe Creative Suite 3 because it has high res and BlueRay support, but when you import your film files, CS3 sort of scrambles them and there are audio issues to figure out and Premier, Sound Booth, Photoshop, After Effects, Encore, and Bridge to learn and the experienced editor/filmmaker you lined up through Craig's List (the only one to answer the listing: Larry Czach, Jack Everyman, IMDB 7.9, Houston) has to drop out due to illness in the family, but at least you can call him with questions. And you discover that because you used two mikes and they're out of sync, you've got to take one track out by hand, and the next thing you know, it's a year and a half later and you still need to put in extras such as a blooper reel and a commentary track. But at some point in there you have enough to begin peddling the results. One question that came up during the Longworth panel that I mentioned above dealt with submitting films to festivals and how to handle rejection: acknowledge that anyone can be rejected; think of a new door opening after the old door is slammed in your face; cry; keep going; keep a cool head; find a hobby; leave a flaming basket of dogpoop on somebody's doorstep.

    Thought from the movie: "Just because he's new doesn't mean he doesn't have any common sense."

    In the end, as with the pain of childbirth, you forget the bad and remember the good. The years of effort (making a movie, not having a baby) get telescoped in your brain and in due course you're ready to do it again. Ungawa's next movie will deal with Chupacabra (or this one). Carrell has also written a script about two brothers. De astra, ad astra.

    The other day I dropped my sister off at the local Metroplex to see "The Duchess." We were running late and we knew that the movie would be half over by the time that she was in her seat, but my sister said that she didn't mind and that she'd catch what she missed by staying over for the next show. When I spoke to her later, she told me that in the case of The Duchess, it didn't seem to matter one way or the other which half she saw first, since for her it was all mostly about the costumes. She did mention that plot points in the first half that she might have missed if she had started at the beginning were perhaps a bit more striking because she knew what was coming. This reminded me that when I was in the second grade, I was allowed to walk downtown to the Saturday-morning movies with my sister (different sister), who was a year and a half older than me. Hard to believe it these days, but that was in a small Southern town a long time ago. For whatever reason, as I grew older I decided that I always wanted to sit in the last row and see the second half of the second movie first. This habit continued through grammar school, and then I lost it.

    But then I watched "The Forsythe Saga" that way, back in the 60s. This became my all-time second-favorite TV mini-series, after the BBC's "War and Peace," and one reason for that, I think, is because I saw the last half of the series first. A strong sense of loss, regret, and nostalgia hangs over the second half of the Saga and I think that that atmosphere was strengthened by the fact that I could only guess at the origins of the regret. Note to self: next time you write a review, start in the middle. Fiddlesticks! I should have started this review here, not back up there. Too late now!

    Can watching the second half first ruin a good movie? Make a bad movie better? Isn't the first half of a movie generally supposed to be better than the second half? The interesting premise, then the complications, the unfolding, but devolving in the second half into the chase, clever ideas petering out? Like life, see? You're young, starting out, anything could happen, it's all a big mystery, the future; then you're old, there's just the one story, in the past, no chase, few complications, and it turns out that not so much happened to you when you think about it. Jeez. No wonder movies can be depressing. But anyway, if you watch the lesser, second half first, does that allow you to end with the better first half, instead of wasting it up front in the first half its own self? Doesn't seem quite right. Does the playing out of ideas in the second half defuse the beginning of the movie? Or is it that watching the second half first makes the second half actually literally become the first half, now itself holding the mystery and promise, in addition to the action that is the consequence of the premise? Plus you're a lot closer to the end when you start. Thus the second half keeps its own strengths while simultaneously inheriting those of the first half. Wow. Course then the first half is drained, deflated, turned into backstory, or worse yet, flashback; there are folks hate flashbacks. Why go back and watch the first half anyway? Put it in with the other extras. But if we're talking about a really good movie that you'd want to see twice, then watching the first half would be like watching a good movie the second time for the first time. I mean, for the first time the second time; and if it isn't a good movie, then you can skip the first half and save that time and effort for the second half of some other movie. Or, wait. Why not just watch first halves only, and then move on? Or second halves only? Why does anybody watch both halves? Watching the second half first, when the credits roll at the end, do you want to go back to the beginning and see what you missed? Or is last-half-first just a crude way of watching a movie backwards? Do that in sixteenths, say, and Memento would become chronological? Brad Pitt in Benjamin Button would grow old normally? Primer would be just as confusing as it is in its regular order? I watched the second half of Sixth Sense only. New rule: watch any half of a Shyamalan flick and call it a day.

    So I happened to have at hand "The Rules of the Game," the Jean Renoir 1939 classic that I've started a time or two before but somehow never managed to watch all the way through. This is the movie that was lost during the war and rediscovered in the 50s. Renoir comments in it on the degeneracy of the French upper crust before the war. Caused an uproar the night it opened; one critic tried to burn down the theater. The film runs 106 minutes on the Criterion DVD, so I put it in and advanced to the 53-minute mark. Immediately a man and his lover from earlier days say goodbye to each other (arguing over whether it's to be "adieu" or "au revoir"). The fellow's wife watches them smooch from afar. Then the lover and the wife quickly became friends in a sharp scene. Then lots of bedroom antics ensue. Most satisfying. Reminded me of that soap-opera truth: you can enter a soap at any random episode and get your footing within minutes. In fact, I felt exhilarated. Here was a "great" movie that I've been avoiding for years and in seconds, I'm already halfway though it! Sort of. I watched the third quarter and I must admit, when I came back the next evening for the final quarter, I did have a little trouble differentiating Christine from Genievieve. But hey, I knew that I'd get a primer in the first half; no worries. And I did. Back at the beginning I was introduced to the tragical characters, learning in the credits that Jean Renoir was one of them, not just the director. Second half: farce and cynicism. First half: more serious; interpersonal relationships.  Last-to-first improved the movie.

    Having watched a classic in this way, I thought that next I'd try a movie that was poorly received. I had "War, Inc." in the queue and Rotten Tomatoes pegs it at 30%, with critics like Stephen Holden and Roger Ebert panning it. I commenced watching it at the 53-minute mark of its 107 minutes. (Hey, Marisa Tomai. Joan Cusack. I wrote a word or two a while ago  about actresses working into their 40s and 50s. Add Marisa Tomai and Joan Cusack to the list. Tomai is a great choice to match up romantically with John Cuscack in this flick. She's two years older than him and still getting it done, as she goes au natural in "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.") The chief rap against the movie is that it's chaotic, but taking the last half as a 54-minute movie, the chaos comes across as a natural consequence of dropping into the film in media res. The result: a spritely, entertaining, less-than-an-hour-long movie. Great locations. Many of my favorite stars showing up for a riff or two. I laughed a lot at satirical, over-the-top, incongruously violent scenes. And then, going back to the beginning, as with Rules of the Game, I found myself focusing on the acting, the characters, the multiplying plot points - like a prequel that might be better or worse than the original but that is of interest just for giving me more of something that I enjoyed in the first place. Second half: plenty of action, stars, anti-war riffing, and other stuff to look at, and ignorable plot. First half: plot stuff but plenty of stuff to just look at, too. Last-to-first improved the movie.

    Next, "Funny Ha Ha." I dealt with this one in an earlier review. Second half: most excellent angst of youth. First half: some romantic stuff I'm glad I didn't know in the second half. Last-to-first improved the movie.

    And finally, "Game Over." The movie runs 84 minutes; I jumped in at minute 45, where begins by chance a major guitar-hero sequence featuring the music of Ozzie Osbourne ("Bark At The Moon"), with Carrell channeling Jack Black. The second half of the movie is plot-driven as situations evolve; the first half plays as day-in-the-life. In Game Over I'm thinking that setting the context in the first half is a good thing; here might be a movie where the second half is in fact strengthened by the first half. Unlike the previous three films I watched. Willie Nelson shows up in the second half, though, and the sooner he's onscreen the better. And going back-to-front you get that guitar sequence twice, beginning and end, which is a good thing... My God, can I get back to basics here? Does life have to be so complicated? There's a case to be made for watching a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end, from the beginning, through the middle, to the end. For a story with three acts. For a story with an arc. For sitting back and letting the author and director lead you through the drama unfolding before you. Who am I, I ask myself rhetorically, to snatch this experience from their hands by wantonly dropping into their movie wherever I please? It's an outrage. Leave the poor movie alone! Game Over: first scene, the protagonist wakes up in bed in the morning, virginal and ready to embark, farting. Is that so wrong? What profitith me for to start with him at the pinnacle of his day, as a guitar god? Back off. OK, I apologize. I won't do it again.

    Homework: watch High Noon in quarters, last quarter first, end-to-front. Extra credit: watch a full season of 24 in reverse order.

    If you like Game Over, check out "Grandma's Boy" and "Clerks."


  • Are there any old-fashioned spies out there anymore?

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful. [What do you think?]

    I was jogging the other day, listening to Filmcouch #97, and the boys on the program asked whether there are any movies being made in the old spy genre anymore. Pure spy movies, as I think they put it. Or are we now left  with, through evolutionary Hollywood transmogrification, only action spies  (Bourne), humorous spoofy spies  (Powers), and a few  self-referential takes on the old genre, viz., The Constant  Gardener.

    So for a few blocks I mentally recapitulated the efflorescence of the spy genre in the Sixties, as I remember it.  Fleming, who started it all when JFK told an interviewer that he read the Bond books before bed at night, Len  Deighton (Michael Caine as Quiller), the  Flint movies. Richard Burton in the  first La Carre effort.

    Then I spent a couple of blocks coming up with the following list:

    Spy Kids (2001, 2002)
    Confessions of a Dangerous Mind  (2002)
    The Tailor of Panama (2001)
    Spy Game (2001)
    Breach (2007)

    Later I did a power search of 2000-2008 in IMDB for "spy" and "spies." Didn't see much.

    My conclusion: There was a period, beginning with Dr. No and ending, perhaps, with Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, (1979) and Smiley's People (1982), when a true (Bond-inspired) spy genre existed. Since then, from time to time, a movie involving spies appears, but only conforming to the conventions of the old genre, if at all, by accident. This is similar to comparing Hollywood genre romantic comedies (which conform to a strict set of rules) to French romantic comedies (which don't).


  • Funny Ha Ha - A Review

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    Under discussion:

    Funny Ha Ha  (2003)

    The Puffy Chair  (2006)

    Old Joy  (2006)

    LOL  (2007)

    Get Smart  (2008)

    War, Inc.  (2008)

    Baghead  (2008)

    The Last Request  (2008)

    First paragraph of a  review that I posted last year:

    "If I'm in the mood for a Western, I want horses.  If I'm in the mood for explosions, I go to a Jerry Bruckheimer or Michael Bay movie. In either case, I don't want, say, Max Von Sydow playing chess with Death in some black-and-white hovel on the rocky shores of Sturnnveggloven. In the same way, if I'm in the mood to watch echo-boomer twenty-somethings filming their friends hanging out with each other in small apartments and on the urban stoop and in the homes and basements of their parents and grandparents, none of whom will ever appear onscreen, then for those of you who haven't seen one such film before, this would be mumblecore."

    My assigned movie, "Funny Ha Ha," would be perhaps the first film in the mumblecore genre. Did I read something somewhere about how frequently, for some mysterious reason, the first in a genre is also the best? Homer, Milton, and Cervantes were mentioned. Could this be true of FHH? Is it the purest, as well as the first, mumblecore expression of newly-adult American modern life on the hoof, before the mumblecore melodrama of Mutual Appreciation or the variations on a theme in "LOL" or the psychological depth of The Puffy Chair? A question to keep in mind as I watch.

    Haven't heard much from the mumblecore community lately. What's the buzz? What's the buzz around saying what's the buzz? Stephen Holden called Baghead a mumblecore movie - comedy/horror mumblecore? Are movies like In Search of a Midnight Kiss moving mumblecore into some new merged genre? Was Old Joy really mumblecore, as it's often listed; some genre morphing might have already taken place in that one. Andrew Bujalski, who wrote, directed, and starred in FHH, hasn't made a feature film in years; he's done some acting but not made any movies. Kate Dollenmayer, who plays Marnie, the lead in FHH, appeared in Bujalski's next film and then disappeared behind the camera. There's an album with her name on it; otherwise, she's light on the google.

    FHH caught me in one of my watching-the-last-half-of-the-movie-first phases. I've recently finished Rules of the Game and War, Inc. that way. Watching those two films backwards helped them, in my estimation. I'm guessing in advance that watching "Funny Ha Ha," starting at the 45-minute mark, will not harm my enjoyment of the film and may help it. But we'll see.

    Fooey! Now I've slipped up and taken a peek at the first few paragraphs of A.O. Scott's FHH review in the NYT, wherein he tells us that the film is about a young woman's fruitless search for a little love and meaning in her life. Why did I read that? So now why should I bother dropping into the middle of the movie, already knowing that? The adventure and mystery are ruined. Feh. But I'll do it anyway. So. There Marnie is, passed out in a car. Now she stays with a girlfriend and her girlfriend goes on a job interview. Oops, Marnie is the girlfriend, not the drunk in the car. Confusion. Good. That's how I like it to be. No harm done reading a little A.O. Scott. Meanwhile, the theme of the movie is made clear in minutes, middle start or not, once I've got Marnie in my sights. Perhaps my initial excitement was a little attenuated, but now I'm involved, so onward!

    Marnie is wearing a T-shirt from a Newton grammar school. Newton is an upscale community in the Boston suburbs. Always made me think of fig newtons, not Isaac. I seem to remember a mall there, back in the 60s, out on Commonwealth Avenue. Bujalski was born in Boston. A good place to locate a movie about the just-graduated and I speak as one who swam in that social sea after college for a couple of years. Youth, out of school at last. FHH is the pure unvarnished article. The essence of mumblecore. Absolute minimum script, or so it appears onscreen. The meta experience identical to the dramatic experience; that is, there are two layers working here, carrying the same message: (a) level one, the young woman moving along through her first adult life structure while (b) level two, the actors live their lives for us by acting onscreen, so that, for this viewer at least, the element in FHH most profoundly moving is the sight of these twentysomethings struggling with their craft, new adult members of society, now with the responsibility of paying rent and negotiating car insurance (no small task in Massachusetts!), with the need to discover meaning in the challenges that they face and in their responses to those challenges. Not the characters, you understand, but the actors themselves. A reviewer comments "The semi-improvised performances seem so natural that it is tempting to confuse the actors with their characters," but the point is that these performances highlight the actors not as the characters they portray but as individuals working - that is, acting. Or am I just being fooled into thinking that I'm seeing the actors, not the characters, because of Bujalski's style? But no. I know nothing about the actors; perhaps they have something in common with their characters, perhaps not. There is a signature cadence in untrained improvisation, with its small pauses not heard in everyday conversation, neither conversation between those who know each other nor that between strangers, tiny pauses born of the actor's interior monolog, pauses which replace the verbal overlaps and gaps found in everyday talk. So that as we watch, the actors think about their lines, or the direction just provided offscreen, or the act of acting, anything but the less conscious social drivers propelling the rest of us day-to-day in casual conversation. Each actor steps into the frame with an ineffable sense of innocence, usually with an embarrassed grin, and speaks, and we understand that here onscreen are living reminders of already-came-of-age, struggling with dialog as an instantiated metaphor for the whole all-of-it struggle involved in becoming an adult. I find this evocative in the extreme, a spiritual supermagnet pulling me back to that same time in my own life, with all the memories, nostalgia, speculations, and regrets attendant to it - a time in my own life when I'm more than ripe for that to happen. Could I, would I, do better a second time around? That question forms the emotional core of the movie for my demographic; the same thing happens when we watch our own children in their twenties. Where else can you get that in cinema? Not in The Incredible Hulk, that's for sure.

    The Boojer, by the way, saves the juiciest scenes in the movie for himself - an excruciating dinner and a later sort-of-extended-date with Marni. Cultural extra credit: compare and contrast the boy/girl dinners in FHH and I Think I Love My Wife.

    At the end of the second half, I return to reviewland and find:

    A.O. Scott: "What gives this film its quiet pathos is not so much the relative bleakness of Marnie's circumstances but the modesty of her expectations. At one point, she makes a to-do list, and its lack of ambition - spend more time outdoors, make friends with Jackie, learn to play chess - is both funny and sad."

    Carina Chocano: "Mainly, Marnie is staying afloat and trying to connect with others who are equally lost."

    Seems like I've seen a lot of this kind of hangdog vibe around the FHH reviews - negatives about mood and lifestyle - and I am not down with that (although I otherwise agree with the NYT and LA Times FHH review content). Perhaps having reached the top of the mountain makes it hard for Scott and Chocano to see those younger who are still way back down in the foothills. Marnie and her friends in FHH are newly-minted adults living life in that broad, spacious, undefined socioeconomicsphere found in first-world countries, a landscape where middle-class children find themselves free to roam, after emerging from college, if they happen to be situated in the middle of the startingout spectrum: neither at one end on the turf of the cinematically-ever-popular male slackers so often seen onscreen, nor the other end on that of the striving medical-school, law-school, and computer-geek proto-professionals; that is, Marnie and her friends are living the unfocused life that many of us lived in our twenties. I speak as one who stumbled off the college campus for the last time to find myself, at the age of 23, living alone in Boston, working at a job I wasn't interested in, and looking for love after refusing to commit to marriage and being dropped by my intended, who switched to her Plan B awfully quickly, it seemed to me. The quiet pathos for my demographic didn't happen then, it's happening to us now, in our dotage, on the viewer's side of the screen. Where is the pathos in Marnie's freshness and energy and in the potential of youth, for Marnie and her friends with an open and unknowable and limitless future stretching ahead of them, or in the knowledge that Kate Dollenmayer herself has moved on into that future, or in Bujalski's vision? Marnie's to-do list in no way lacks ambition; is in no way funny or sad. The act of making that list metaphorizes the ambition of the young; the contents of the list highlight the innocence of youth; it's a list drawn up by someone with all the time in the world and, interestingly, it is a list quite similar to such a one as made up by someone at the other end of life, without much time remaining.

    So I asked my daughter about this quiet-pathos thing, her being 23 and a recent graduate and living in Boston, all the same as Marnie; her reply: "As far as waitressing goes, I feel embarrassed about it at times, but I've actually made some valuable connections and now have places to stay and help finding employment if I want to go to South Carolina, Maui, Australia, or Columbia (have business cards/notes/emails from all of these people). Plus I make ok money, work with nice people, take home free food (ok, thats not completely kosher but its not like I get a salary or even hourly pay that amounts to anything after taxes). Plus, Im learning to speak Haitian Creole while simultaneously turning enemies into friends (the cooks didnt like me at first bc they assumed I was racist and told me so, but when I asked to learn their language they are suddenly happy to see me each day). So from my lowly job Im gaining: communication skills, agility training, extreme multi-tasking experience, networking opportunities, and employee benefits (that's the free food). Sounds almost ambitious when phrased correctly. This isnt to say I dont doubt what Im doing because I do, every day, multiple times a day. I get asked time and again by my bosses, co-workers and customers "why are you here if you have a degree from an Ivy League school??" One person even went so far as to say I was being selfish because letting my parents spend all that money to send me to a good school only to "disregard" my qualifications by working in a chain restaurant was just like throwing all that tuition money in the trash. Obviously obtaining "street smarts" and trying to experience different ways of life before choosing the "purpose-driven" one is something only misfits and failures do... So what am I trying to say here? Maybe im just trying to rationalize my own current existence when in reality it is just as ambitionless and lost as Marnie's. But maybe if the reviewers got off their NY Times and La Times high horses and really thought about what it means to EXPERIENCE and LIVE life, they might see things a wee bit differently. Or maybe not. Am I giggly all the time? as my friend Lynnea would say: "HELLS no!" But I dont think Ill look back on this period of my life and see it as a time of just "staying afloat" (my high school years on the other hand...)."

    One more take on the pathos meme, quickly, before getting on with the movie: Marnie celebrates her birthday quietly. Proactive note to lugubrious reviewers: this also is not pathos. What the heck did I do on my birthdays back in Boston? Who knows? I do remember being in a laundromat at North Station on Christmas Eve one year. It was snowing. Neither the Bruins nor the Celtics were in town, so The Garden was deserted except for me and an old woman. I went back to my room and drank. I still remember that, so I guess it means something to me, but I didn't feel pathetic at the time. I felt lonely but pretty good.

    Ginormous. I've had that word in my head. I'm thinking that if I write it down here, maybe it will go away.

    And so on to the first half of FHH.

    Oh my God. Bujalski saddles Marnie with an unrequited-love jones, up front. Booge, how could you? What were you thinking? This is something a novice twenty-something filmmaker would do. Oh, right. But this is why watching War, Inc. backwards helped the movie so much; the process cut out loads of unnecessary plot points till it was too late to matter. In the same way, I was able to watch the downslope of FHH without these moulting feathers of love annoying me. Hmm. Now Marnie liplocks some dude at the twenty-eight minute mark. I would never have predicted that. Oh, no, and then she osculates again three minutes later with her married-dude friend. I'm so glad I'm coming to this at the end and not at the beginning. Why? Because in the second half she's staring into the future without seeing beyond the walls of her room, locked in her head while her anger percolates unfelt somewhere down there lower in her body - after the drinking and smooching fail her - but I understood that, in the second half of the movie, without the presumptive romance-o-motivation of the first.

    No. I'm overreacting. Belay that last paragraph. I've been Hollywoodpavlovianized. This is not Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in the last minute of Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail. This is random lowkey young adult semijoyless evolutionary smootching, pebbles in a pond that cause no ripples. Marnie pretends that it didn't happen, isn't happening, and I'll do the same. Romance is a big deal for these kids, perhaps the biggest deal. My twenties were mostly a history of bad dates. Easy to put off career issues to the next decade while getting the living part right. So Booge perforce makes use of that, but not so much that we can't shrug when the lips meet, and then move on. But still, this series of fraught encounters with men, I don't know; quit beating the drum, Booge. This does remind me, though, that I watched the original Forsythe Saga backward. As with Marnie and Alex in the second half of FHH, something heavy had obviously gone on between Irene and Soames, and Fleur's life was constantly perturbed by it, but it seemed more romantic to me to not know what that something was, not to know what had happened - seemed more romantic than watching the first half and seeing whatever it was that happened actually happen. Thesis: nostalgia coupled with imagination is always stronger than dramatic invention, probably because lived experience, including the actual act of imagination, is more visceral than skoptophilia and its milder brethren.

    New-Age side note: Coincidence #1: Earlier in this screed I wrote a sentence using the word "evolutionary" and then I started FHH up again and watched the last ten minutes of the movie, which I hadn't seen yet (minutes 35 to 45) and Marnie says to Alex or Alex says to Marnie, "You're the most evolved person I know." Coincidence #2: Later that day, I went to Blockbuster to return Get Smart (I'm rating it "j" on a scale of 1 to q) and while there I picked up The Last Request, which somebody somewhere liked a little bit, and while I was checking out, the clerk asked me how I liked Get Smart and I said, Anne Hathaway is no Barbara Feldon, and when I got home and started The Last Request, there Barbara was, in a starring role. The odds of plucking up a Barbara Feldon movie at random? Antiginormous. Coincidence #3: Marnie's shirt has the number 18 on its back. I'm 18b. My daughter, I learned THE SAME DAY, is living in apartment #18 in her building on Concord St. Consult your Jung! These coincidental whorls in the universal fabric happened ON THE SAME DAY as Obama's election and mean that FHH is connected to the core zeitgeist of the planet. You read it here first.

    Propositions: (1) The first half of a movie is usually better than the second half when the movie is watched in normal order. (2) Watching the second half of a movie first often improves the movie. Sometimes, watching the second half is sufficient in itself. (3) Thus, perhaps whichever half you watch first is the best.

    I had to ask Wilson, who assigned this movie to me, what the last two spoken lines of the last scene were. They seemed crucial in defining the mood of the movie, but mumblecore being named mumblecore for a reason, I couldn't make out what Alex and Marnie said to each other. Fortunately, Wilson could. And those two lines bear out my contention, or so I think, that Bujalski is a deeply optimistic guy and FHH is, in the end, a celebration, not a paean. In that final scene, Marnie shows some anger, a desire to move out into the world, and a rejection of the feckless Alex. Good for her and good for a society and economy (knock on wood) where youth is able to rattle around a little. I watched a mumblecore movie made by Joe Swanberg a while back, in which the protagonists grow stronger in the face of Swanberg's efforts to render them helpless; Bujalski throws down some marbles in Marnie's path, but his affection for her never lets her fall hard enough to break anything.

    This film that launched a genre reminds us that being young and being old are two entirely different things. (Bujalski turned 30 this year.)


  • Mongols I Have Known, Social Studies, and The Hulk

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful. [What do you think?]

    I always pictured Mongols as small and tough, riding across the steppes of Asia on their hardy little war ponies, each man keeping a vein open and clamped in his horse's neck so that he could drink its blood while in the saddle. These Mongol horsemen were all bowlegged and handled their innovative recurved composite bows with deadly accuracy. However, my son had a friend throughout grammar school whose father was a Mongol. Far from being small and bowlegged, this dude was built like a Tongan. He did have the Mongolian attitude that I imagined, though. When his wife told him that she was leaving him and taking the kids with her, he told her that she was free to go but that if she tried to take the children, he'd kill them all. She believed him. So he raised the kids. We took the boy on a camping trip once. His father gave him some money to help out with supplies. At our first stop - a general store down the road from the Rouge Y Noir Cheese Factory, he spent the whole wad on candy, which he stored away in his backpack and worked on throughout the trip. Anyway, along came The Story of the Weeping Camel and Mongolian Ping Pong and my image of the Mongolian male transmogrified in the direction of, say, the Inuits. But now, with Mongol, I'm back to the image of my son's friend's father, even though the star of the movie, playing Genghis Khan, is Japanese.

    And by the way, what is it with Inner Mongolia and Outer Mongolia? I was all scheduled for my Asian Adventure when I noticed that I was only ticketed to Inner Mongolia. No way! I told them. I don't want to be stuck in Inner Mongolia; I want to sleep out under the stars in Outer Mongolia.

    For whatever reason, I haven't watch any of those doctor and lawyer shows that deal with a current social issue or two every week. Until Eli Stone, that is. I just watched the first season on DVD. Each episode, a new issue. My question is, given the fact that no one has ever learned anything in their high-school civics or social studies class, why not just show an episode from one of these shows every day in class? It couldn't hurt.
     
    The Hulk movies are entertaining except for the Hulk himself. It would make all the difference if The Hulk, when called into existence, was moved to do something other than rage and break things. Perhaps the big transformation could be triggered by Bruce Banner's extreme hunger, and he would binge on sushi, or get set off by Bruce Banner's powerful thirst, with Hulk do Jello shots to an insane degree. Or, of course, Bruce could get a powerful itch down there.


  • Uncounted: The New Math of American Elections (2007) - Review

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful. [What do you think?]

    Suppose that you're a normal, everyday moviewatcher. You've seen a few documentaries and now I come to you and ask you to make a documentary your own self. "Who, me?" you say, "What do I know about making a documentary?" "Just give it a try," I say, and I say, "David Earnhardt did it. This is his first stab at making one. So, your movie will be about voter fraud, like his was. Here's a camera. Get out there and record some interviews with the sort of folks that you see shopping every day down at the Save N' Go Supermarket. That is, turn up some interesting folks - folks maybe just a tad peculiar in their views and in their aspect. Then Wiki some voter statistics and find some footage of voters standing in line and, I predict, you will make a movie very like Uncounted: The New Math of American Elections.

    Nothing wrong with that. The movie's karma is positive. It's impossible to take a step these days without tripping over an article on voter problems, so you probably won't learn anything new, but at the movie's conclusion, Earnhardt urges you to:

    1. Contact your representatives in congress.
    2. Say no to paperless voting machines.
    3. Volunteer to be a poll observer.
    4. Volunteer to be a poll worker.
    5. Share the film with others.
    6. Dialog with others on the subject of voter fraud.
    7. Write letters to the editor.
    8. Lobby for change.

    Good and reasonable urgings for these, our parlous times.

    The end credits also serve as a bibliography.

    Thus endth my review of the documentary Uncounted.

    But now listen. Who do you want to govern you in difficult times? A guy who can't win an election even when he garners a majority of the legitimate votes cast, or a guy who can turn a handful of votes into a freaking landslide?

    There is incontrovertible evidence in the Lascaux cave drawings that before one of the annual cave elections, the Neanderthals stole all the voting clubs and as a result soundly thrashed the Cro-Magnons. The Neanderthal who was thus elected started some unnecessary wars, flubbed local aid after the neighborhood volcano erupted, and caused the cave-dwelling population in general to seriously rethink the whole business of voting-with-clubs technology going forward.

    Full disclosure: when I was in the fourth grade, the student who was to do the voice and operate the strings for the Peter Pan puppet in the big school puppet show was to be determined by student vote at an audition. Those of us trying out for the role stood behind a blanket rigged as a screen. We were to read out lines from the Peter Pan script when our number was called. The students on the other side of the blanket, once they heard all of us read, were to vote on the voice that would be Peter Pan. Before we began, I went to the end of the blanket and wrote down my number on a piece of paper and surreptitiously flashed it around the end of the curtain. We then did the readings. Turns out that the voting students didn't like me. They all voted against the number that I had flashed. However, by dumb luck I had flashed the wrong number and won the vote when all the haters raised their hands for me by mistake. My point here is that vote rigging is rife! Whatever it takes to pull Peter Pan's strings!

    Now let's suppose that the Republicans stole the '04 presidential election by flipping 3 million votes, as some claim that they did. This still means that almost half the voters in the U.S. cast their ballots to reelect Bush, after four years of his presidency - after the war, Katrina, the gutting of the EPA, so forth. Can we make an argument here that fraud or no fraud, fix or no fix, if almost half the country voted for Bush in '04, then the country as a whole deserved what it got throughout his second term? Can we make an argument that one in three citizens in America still likes George Bush and so the country richly deserves what's coming up next as well?

    And by the way, thought experiment: If Michael Moore made Fahrenheit 9/ll today instead of four years ago, how would the movie be different? Bush reading about the bunny rabbit, Katrina, the start of the war - all far in the past now. What the frack has Bush been doing the last four years that would still make Moore's movie Cannes-Golden-Palm-worthy? If you see Moore, please ask him for me and email me his response at this address. Thank you.

    If you do go ahead and make a documentary about voter fraud (votes don't kill people, voters kill people), and if you are of a conservative stripe, the film will probably focus on voter registration fraud, which according to McCain and Palin threatens to convert the U.S. into a Soviet-style state governed by the spawn of Satan. ACORN, formerly thought of as a minor civil-rights organization, turns out to be an outfit structured along the lines of SPECTRE. If you are of a liberal stripe, you'll want to warn all black voters that their ballots have already been cast by the central Republican Diebold computer, and that if they actually show up at the polls, they'll probably be pulled down by Sheriff Crawford's German Shepherds and dragged off to the county Gulag out beyond the settling ponds.

    I mean, if I'm standing there in front of an outsourced computerized voting machine, I'm accepting the fact up front that anything might happen to my vote. The computer might turn it upside down, or right to left, or black to white, or flip it, or delete it, or recycle it, or email it to Kirghizistan, or use it later to have me tracked down like a dog. Far from losing my vote, the computer may never forget or forgive me for it. I've seen Idiocracy. Twice. Dumb is stronger than smart and I've got history on my side to prove it. Last but not least, there might be a little person hiding inside that machine, operating its lights and whistles. Capture that reality in your film.

    And put in gerrymandering. For a nice touch, shoot the exteriors in Gerry, New York (on Route 60).

    And while I'm thinking about it, what is it with all those names on the ballots? Why am I voting for a damn judge? And how was I to know that my random selection of school-board members last year would cause natural selection to be tossed out of the grade-school curriculum in favor of that divine Providence who misengineered my lower spinal disks? And what is a county adjuster anyway? Explain to the viewer the steps that should be taken to clean up these ballots. Put all these jobs up for sale.

    Also, here's a hint for you, novice documentary-maker: rather than focusing on the sins of one political party or the other, go find an election that pits two unscrupulous win-at-any-cost types against each other. Gather your information during their campaigning and electioneering, as the attendant payouts and other tricks and frauds and jackanaperies ensue. Work quietly so as to avoid being shot or otherwise disappeared while doing so - and then when the election is over, don't fail to interview several of the folks who voted a lot - do they plan to spend their money or save it? Will they have a place in the new administration? Etc.

    General guidelines:

    1. Don't make the movie in your home state or any state that borders on your home state, to minimize blowback when you screen it.

    2. Never admit what you're doing to the local populace. Your great-uncle Jeter on his deathbed begged you to come to Cletisville to visit and record memories of the town and its old - very old - family memories. Hence your camera and the interviews.

    3. Adopt a rural accent.

    4. Wear only togs from Walmart.

    5. Buy drinks all around, frequently.

    6. Never mention the election, but it's ok to say, "So who is this Bubba Prendergast with his picture up on posters all over town?"

    7. Go to church.

    8. Don't talk to anyone with a dark skin, foreign accent, or Asian eyes.

    9. Keep your own eyes peeled on election day for ballot stuffing, vote buying, counterfeit votes, disappearing ballots and ballot boxes, scaring the voters, and murder.

    For a historical discussion of voter fraud, I refer you to Tracy Campbell's "Deliver the Vote: A History of Election Fraud, an American Political Tradition—1742-2004." For an in-depth examination of how to lose a local election and then come back and win the next one, if you know what I mean, I recommend "The Path to Power (The Years of Lyndon Johnson, Volume 1)," by Robert A. Caro. It can't be beat. For Diebold (not Livebold), Princeton University Exposes Diebold Flaws.

    Contest: What's the craziest conspiricy theory you've heard regarding the Bush/Gore, Bush/Kerry, or McCain/Obama election? Prize: Three votes in this year's special coroner's election in the town of Pigliver, Texas. (You have to cast one vote in the morning, one vote in the afternoon, and one vote in the evening, using the names Pardee, Pardeux, and Pardoo, respectively.)

    Movie recommendation: When it's all over, go watch Mr. Smith Goes to Washington to restore a little bit of your faith in the country.

    Let me conclude this review like any good politician concludes his speeches, whether currently indicted or not: God bless America.

     


 

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