Studios regularly release movies without screening them for critics. Usually these are in the ‘B’ movie category, not their Mega-Hits. When it is a blockbuster, no screening pretty much always means it is a huge steaming pile. This time, however, Hasbro had an explanation. It seems they blame the fact that Transformers was a full load delivered in an adult diaper on the critics. Just to show the critics who’s boss, no advance screenings for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.
So, I pack up and head to the multiplex on a Friday morning. A heart full of dread for the horror about to be photon torpedoed into my retina. And honestly, I found it isn’t nearly that bad. But time is a-wastin’, so lets get straight into exactly how bad it is…. That’s what you’re here for, after all.
Transformers may have been more than met the eye, but G.I. Joe was the Grande Dame of pithy sayings. For the first bit of the movie, it would seem that knowing them was half the screenplay… er, battle. They Kung-Fu grip the Government Issued cliches like real American heroes. Go Joe?!
I remember the cartoons through a haze, but a few nuggets stuck. There was the cast of characters that came across like rejects from The Village People. Gung Ho, Roadblock and Rock n’ Roll. Baby blue camo, Epicurean machine gunner and dude with bushy bushy blonde facial hair. The females. Lady Jaye, a little older. Scarlet, the sharp, girl next door type (one friend rubbed all the color off her action figure boobs). And The Baroness, a bit like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle. And last, but not least, Snake Eyes. When little boys gathered to play ‘G.I. Joe’, Snake Eyes was the only Joe everyone wanted to be. All others were second best.
Enough memory lane. It’s time for Holly-fuckin’-wood. It’s time to bring the Boom-Boom! And they do. Not nearly to the magnitude of Transformers: ROFL, but once we leave Three Musketeers era France, destruction happens. Not enough to satiate my inner teenage ‘blow shit up’ lust, but enough to let me know it still exists. This restraint seems odd, however, considering how many times I cringed away from onscreen gruesomeness. That incoherence was a theme repeated throughout the film. Bad guys brutally lay waste to every nameless Joe in sight. Disemboweling them without any concern. With the same blade in front of a named character, it becomes the three stooges (and not in a funny way). A poke and a tickle, then move along.
I don’t want to get fanboy on this whole thing, but I will say, that the whole movie would have been much better if Duke had been decapitated by a helicopter in his first scene. His headless torso would have performed the part nearly as well and would have been much less annoying. In fact, the good guys were mostly forgettable. Other than Marlon Wayans, it was a full crew with very little spark. Snake Eyes was very effective and poised, but more like an olympic gymnast, focusing on not being deducted tenths of points by the judges. Turn the page and his nemesis, Storm Shadow, is completely badass. If I were suddenly 8 years old, I would gladly choose Storm Shadow over Snake Eyes based on this movie. And not just him, The Baroness gets a serious upgrade too. It is almost enough to make me understand the allure of skin tight leather. At least for the first 3/4 of the movie she is Femme Fatale. And she whoops ass too! Head to head, she slaps Scarlet around like they forgot the safe word. Without fancy technology, The Baroness surely would have had a new sub. When The Baroness and Storm Shadow combine, the glee of evil and murder swells. I found myself praying that these two would pair up and put all of those bitches (i.e. pretty much every other person in the film) in their place.
Of course that doesn’t happen. The movie is never able to turn the dial past six or seven (except with gross out visuals that will be giving tikes nightmares for years to come). Even with the herbal aides, it just can’t break through to the other side. While it is bad, it isn’t mind blowingly craptacular like Transformers: ROFL, If your goal is to see a mediocre action movie, G.I. Joe will fit the bill, but if you want a transcendentally terrible experience, you still need to go for the gold standard and hit Transformers: ROFL.
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Originally posted on:
The Haute Critique