list http://www.spout.com/ Recent community activity around The Toy on Spout Copyright 2005-9 Spout, LLC Spout RSS http://www.spout.com/images/SpoutLogoRSS.jpg http://www.spout.com/ 136 30 http://www.spout.com/films/The_Toy/35648/default.aspx Title: The Toy
Year: 1982
Director: Richard Donner
Plot: In The Toy, director Richard Donner and screenwriter Carol Sobieski update the 1976 Pierre Richard farce Le Jouet as a vehicle for comedian Richard Pryor. Pryor stars as out-of-work journalist Jack Brown, who's hit with the sudden realization that his idle book writing won't pay a 10,000-dollar sum necessary to keep his house from going to auction. Desperate, he is improbably hired as a cleaning lady in the offices of rich businessman and newspaper magnate U.S. Bates (Jackie Gleason). Running afoul of Bates' quick temper, Jack gets the axe, but is later spotted goofing around in a Bates-owned toy store by Bates' bratty son, Eric (Scott Schwartz), who's spending his annual week together with his estranged father. Taking his father's offer that he may have "anything in the store" quite literally, the spoiled kid asks for Jack as his personal toy for the week. Initially unwilling to be treated as a possession, Jack soon agrees after Bates offers to pay him enough to climb out of debt. When Eric's idea of fun includes dumping buckets of booby-trapped oatmeal on Jack's head and riding down the stairs of his father's mansion with Jack riding shotgun in a miniature car, it tests both Jack's patience and his resolve. But Jack discovers that Bates is ignoring Eric, which strengthens the bond between them and prompts them to seek revenge on the big jerk. ~ Derek Armstrong, All Movie Guide
Times Tagged: 3
Number of Lists: 4
Number of blog posts: 2
SpoutRating: 2
]]>Thu, 05 Feb 2009 17:01:20 GMTThe Toy1982Richard DonnerIn The Toy, director <a href="/players/P____88048/default.aspx" style='text-decoration:underline'>Richard Donner</a> and screenwriter <a href="/players/P___112035/default.aspx" style='text-decoration:underline'>Carol Sobieski</a> update the 1976 <a href="/players/P___108162/default.aspx" style='text-decoration:underline'>Pierre Richard</a> farce <a href=/films/90435/default.aspx style='text-decoration:underline'>Le Jouet</a> as a vehicle for comedian <a href="/players/P___107177/default.aspx" style='text-decoration:underline'>Richard Pryor</a>. Pryor stars as out-of-work journalist Jack Brown, who's hit with the sudden realization that his idle book writing won't pay a 10,000-dollar sum necessary to keep his house from going to auction. Desperate, he is improbably hired as a cleaning lady in the offices of rich businessman and newspaper magnate U.S. Bates (<a href="/players/P____27204/default.aspx" style='text-decoration:underline'>Jackie Gleason</a>). Running afoul of Bates' quick temper, Jack gets the axe, but is later spotted goofing around in a Bates-owned toy store by Bates' bratty son, Eric (Scott Schwartz), who's spending his annual week together with his estranged father. Taking his father's offer that he may have "anything in the store" quite literally, the spoiled kid asks for Jack as his personal toy for the week. Initially unwilling to be treated as a possession, Jack soon agrees after Bates offers to pay him enough to climb out of debt. When Eric's idea of fun includes dumping buckets of booby-trapped oatmeal on Jack's head and riding down the stairs of his father's mansion with Jack riding shotgun in a miniature car, it tests both Jack's patience and his resolve. But Jack discovers that Bates is ignoring Eric, which strengthens the bond between them and prompts them to seek revenge on the big jerk. ~ Derek Armstrong, All Movie Guide3Slightly Tagged (1-5)422http://www.spout.com/ProductImages/t14084mnbb7.jpghttp://www.spout.com/films/The_Toy/35648/default.aspxFilm http://www.spout.com/blogs/spoutblog/archive/2009/2/5/40271.aspx Post By: SpoutBlog
Post To: SpoutBlog on spout.com
Post Date: 2/5/2009 12:01:20 PM
Body: Are you one of the many sci-fi and comic book geeks who’d be more interested in Push were it not for Dakota Fanning? Sure, the precocious child star is now a teen actress (she’s about to turn 15), yet that probably makes you even more worried about her appearance in the movie. But what can you do? She’s literally everywhere this week – voicing the title character in the animated Coraline and starring in two new video releases, Hounddog and The Secret Life of Bees, both of which were released Tuesday. In the tradition of child actors continuing careers into adolescence, it’s only a matter of time before she ruins a movie that would have been better without her. We’ll have to wait until this weekend to see if that time is now, with Push, but in the meantime let’s take a look at some of the past offenders in this tradition. Most of the following former child actors (our definition: actors that began their career below the age of 13) have done great things in their adulthood, but each has done at least one film that could have been better without him or her. You may disagree with some of these picks, and you may think we’ve forgotten some (was Christian Bale really the worst part of The Dark Knight? did Mary-Kate Olsen’s disturbing kiss with Ben Kingsley take away from The Wackness?), so do share your own thoughts on former child stars below. We just ask that you keep your comments somewhat tasteful and law-abiding. BUtterfield 8 (1960) Elizabeth Taylor won her first Oscar for her performance in this film, and that’s basically the problem. Everyone knew then as they know now that she only won the award because she came down with a near-fatal illness weeks prior to the ceremony. Of course, she was nominated without such sympathy being the reason, so shouldn’t that mean the performance is still great? Well, that’s certainly debatable, but many critics today claim this to be one of the worst best actress wins of all time. So, if you go into BUtterfield 8 expecting an Oscar-worthy film, it’s going to be ruined for you. The Cat’s Meow (2001) Kirsten Dunst, who made her debut at age 7 in Woody Allen’s segment of New York Stories, got to work with another ‘70s cinema great, Peter Bogdanovich, in this comedic telling of an infamous Hollywood scandal. She portrays silent film actress Marion Davies, who becomes the catalyst in the scandal when her boyfriend, newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst (Edward Herrmann), discovers she’s having an affair with Charlie Chaplin (Eddie Izzard). The irony is that Dunst is so annoying in the role that it’s hard to believe any guys would fight over her. Many Dunst fans continually defend her performance in the film, but if it’s not her acting that ruins The Cat’s Meow, it’s at least her singing, which can be heard during the closing credits. Donnie Darko (2001) Drew Barrymore may be the most adorable thing to happen to romantic comedies since Jean Arthur, but occasionally she tries to make us believe she can do other roles. Unfortunately, she’s just not fit for most jobs, and English teacher is certainly one of them. Somehow in Donnie Darko her awkward speaking voice is even worse than usual, and she comes off sounding like she knows this and is attempting to enunciate as best she can in spite of the problem. Well, Drew, there’s a reason Spielberg hasn’t cast you in a sci-fi flick since E.T., you simply can’t pull off the dialogue. Garden State (2004) Natalie Portman didn’t make her film debut until she was 13 (in Leon, aka The Professional), but she did begin acting three years earlier, so we’re allowing her to make the list. How can we not? There isn’t a Garden State hater out there who doesn’t blame Portman and her obnoxious, flaky love interest character for ruining the film. Yet she was once the young girl that made tons of these cinephiles relate to a questionably friendly Timothy Hutton in Beautiful Girls. A year after Garden State, fellow former child starlet Kirsten Dunst (see above) played a similarly obnoxious and flaky love interest in the similarly plotted Elizabethtown. But at least Dunst had Orlando Bloom to make her seem talented by comparison. Portman is all alone in her ruination here. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) Ron Howard, child star-turned-Oscar-winning filmmaker, has a special circumstance that warrants his inclusion on this list. Unlike the other nine, he managed to ruin a movie he wasn’t even involved in. Notice both the title and the date above. Or click on the link. That’s the old animated adaptation of the Dr. Seuss holiday classic, which Howard ruined by directing his live-action version. You could also say that he ruined the book, and you could say that he ruined his own movie by making the latter so terribly horrendous. But it’s Chuck Jones’ earlier film that was most adversely affected by the release of 2000’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas (often listed simply as The Grinch), because how many children will now grow up with the ugly Jim Carrey-starring version instead of the wonderful Boris Karloff-narrated one? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) Shia LaBeouf, like Natalie Portman, barely makes the child actor cutoff, but he needs to be included because we need to keep chastising him for ruining not only the latest Indiana Jones movie, but also the whole franchise. Maybe there were indeed other faults with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Plenty of people credit the “nuke the fridge” scene as the downturn in both the film and the series, for instance. But most of us were forgiving up until Shia swung through the trees like Tarzan. So, he’s clearly to blame. It’s quite a shame, too, because he’s pretty much the only thing that really saves the Transformers movies. Inside Man (2006) Jodie Foster has often seemed out of place in movies. She doesn’t feel right in period romances, such as Sommersby and Anna and the King, but she’s a good enough actress that she’s forgiven for such casting faults. As for Inside Man, well, even her Oscar-winning talent couldn’t keep her from appearing ill fit for her role. Part of the problem is the character itself, that of a woman who comes off far less intelligent and tough than she should (the same kind of character ruined The Bourne Supremacy a year earlier). You want Foster, a smart and strong woman in real life and typically on screen, to be more and do more. But she hardly contributes to the film and if anything slows it and dumbs it down too much. Hopefully the rumors are correct that her character will not return in Inside Man 2. Monster (2003) Christina Ricci is not really a good actress to begin with, but if you cast her opposite a great performance she comes off as seeming a downright terrible actress. This is what happened with Monster, in which Charlize Theron does her Oscar-winning best at becoming unrecognizable. Next to that transformation, Ricci just looks like Ricci, and a really untalented Ricci at that. For the amount of screen time Ricci’s lesbian love-interest character is allotted, Patty Jenkins really should have gotten someone better. Because not only does the performance end up awful next to Theron’s, it ruins a film that is otherwise worth watching for the acting. Silver Screen Confidential (1996) Scott Schwartz actually won an award for this adult film, in which he gives a non-sex performance. It wasn’t his first porn nor was it his last, but because of the recognition he received for this one, it’s being used as the exemplary title. While creepy people out there tend to count down to the day that female child stars reach the age of 18, probably in the hopes that the girls will quickly appear in their first legal nude scene, it is unlikely that anyone was waiting for the day the kid from The Toy, A Christmas Story and Kidco would enter a career in porn. To be honest, we haven’t actually seen any of Schwartz’s adult titles, but we can imagine his appearance is quite distracting to anybody who recognizes him as “Flick” while otherwise trying to get off watching Jenna Jameson. Still, Schwartz does star in his very own title, Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure, so maybe he’s somehow a draw? X-Men (2000) Anna Paquin is the prime reason why the Academy needs to stop allowing child actors Oscar nominations. Yes, Paquin was terrific in The Piano, for which she won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. But then look what happened: she grew up to be an irritating starlet who could ruin a film by Spike Lee, Cameron Crowe or Gus Van Sant with just a single whiny-voiced line while playing the same nymphet character over and over and over. So what if she can claim to have confirmed her talent with a recent Golden Globe win (for TV work)? That still doesn’t take back the fact that she stunk up the first X-Men, one of her rare deviations from her typecast Lolita roles, enough to make it a huge disappointment. Fortunately with the sequels, not even her lack of talent could depreciate X2, and she was far from the worst thing about X-Men: The Last Stand. Thankfully she won’t be in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, nor will she likely be given her own spin-off. Originally posted on:SpoutBlog
]]>Thu, 05 Feb 2009 17:01:20 GMTSpoutBlogSpoutBlog on spout.com2/5/2009 12:01:20 PMAre you one of the many sci-fi and comic book geeks who’d be more interested in Push were it not for Dakota Fanning? Sure, the precocious child star is now a teen actress (she’s about to turn 15), yet that probably makes you even more worried about her appearance in the movie. But what can you do? She’s literally everywhere this week – voicing the title character in the animated Coraline and starring in two new video releases, Hounddog and The Secret Life of Bees, both of which were released Tuesday. In the tradition of child actors continuing careers into adolescence, it’s only a matter of time before she ruins a movie that would have been better without her. We’ll have to wait until this weekend to see if that time is now, with Push, but in the meantime let’s take a look at some of the past offenders in this tradition. Most of the following former child actors (our definition: actors that began their career below the age of 13) have done great things in their adulthood, but each has done at least one film that could have been better without him or her. You may disagree with some of these picks, and you may think we’ve forgotten some (was Christian Bale really the worst part of The Dark Knight? did Mary-Kate Olsen’s disturbing kiss with Ben Kingsley take away from The Wackness?), so do share your own thoughts on former child stars below. We just ask that you keep your comments somewhat tasteful and law-abiding. BUtterfield 8 (1960) Elizabeth Taylor won her first Oscar for her performance in this film, and that’s basically the problem. Everyone knew then as they know now that she only won the award because she came down with a near-fatal illness weeks prior to the ceremony. Of course, she was nominated without such sympathy being the reason, so shouldn’t that mean the performance is still great? Well, that’s certainly debatable, but many critics today claim this to be one of the worst best actress wins of all time. So, if you go into BUtterfield 8 expecting an Oscar-worthy film, it’s going to be ruined for you. The Cat’s Meow (2001) Kirsten Dunst, who made her debut at age 7 in Woody Allen’s segment of New York Stories, got to work with another ‘70s cinema great, Peter Bogdanovich, in this comedic telling of an infamous Hollywood scandal. She portrays silent film actress Marion Davies, who becomes the catalyst in the scandal when her boyfriend, newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst (Edward Herrmann), discovers she’s having an affair with Charlie Chaplin (Eddie Izzard). The irony is that Dunst is so annoying in the role that it’s hard to believe any guys would fight over her. Many Dunst fans continually defend her performance in the film, but if it’s not her acting that ruins The Cat’s Meow, it’s at least her singing, which can be heard during the closing credits. Donnie Darko (2001) Drew Barrymore may be the most adorable thing to happen to romantic comedies since Jean Arthur, but occasionally she tries to make us believe she can do other roles. Unfortunately, she’s just not fit for most jobs, and English teacher is certainly one of them. Somehow in Donnie Darko her awkward speaking voice is even worse than usual, and she comes off sounding like she knows this and is attempting to enunciate as best she can in spite of the problem. Well, Drew, there’s a reason Spielberg hasn’t cast you in a sci-fi flick since E.T., you simply can’t pull off the dialogue. Garden State (2004) Natalie Portman didn’t make her film debut until she was 13 (in Leon, aka The Professional), but she did begin acting three years earlier, so we’re allowing her to make the list. How can we not? There isn’t a Garden State hater out there who doesn’t blame Portman and her obnoxious, flaky love interest character for ruining the film. Yet she was once the young girl that made tons of these cinephiles relate to a questionably friendly Timothy Hutton in Beautiful Girls. A year after Garden State, fellow former child starlet Kirsten Dunst (see above) played a similarly obnoxious and flaky love interest in the similarly plotted Elizabethtown. But at least Dunst had Orlando Bloom to make her seem talented by comparison. Portman is all alone in her ruination here. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) Ron Howard, child star-turned-Oscar-winning filmmaker, has a special circumstance that warrants his inclusion on this list. Unlike the other nine, he managed to ruin a movie he wasn’t even involved in. Notice both the title and the date above. Or click on the link. That’s the old animated adaptation of the Dr. Seuss holiday classic, which Howard ruined by directing his live-action version. You could also say that he ruined the book, and you could say that he ruined his own movie by making the latter so terribly horrendous. But it’s Chuck Jones’ earlier film that was most adversely affected by the release of 2000’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas (often listed simply as The Grinch), because how many children will now grow up with the ugly Jim Carrey-starring version instead of the wonderful Boris Karloff-narrated one? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) Shia LaBeouf, like Natalie Portman, barely makes the child actor cutoff, but he needs to be included because we need to keep chastising him for ruining not only the latest Indiana Jones movie, but also the whole franchise. Maybe there were indeed other faults with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Plenty of people credit the “nuke the fridge” scene as the downturn in both the film and the series, for instance. But most of us were forgiving up until Shia swung through the trees like Tarzan. So, he’s clearly to blame. It’s quite a shame, too, because he’s pretty much the only thing that really saves the Transformers movies. Inside Man (2006) Jodie Foster has often seemed out of place in movies. She doesn’t feel right in period romances, such as Sommersby and Anna and the King, but she’s a good enough actress that she’s forgiven for such casting faults. As for Inside Man, well, even her Oscar-winning talent couldn’t keep her from appearing ill fit for her role. Part of the problem is the character itself, that of a woman who comes off far less intelligent and tough than she should (the same kind of character ruined The Bourne Supremacy a year earlier). You want Foster, a smart and strong woman in real life and typically on screen, to be more and do more. But she hardly contributes to the film and if anything slows it and dumbs it down too much. Hopefully the rumors are correct that her character will not return in Inside Man 2. Monster (2003) Christina Ricci is not really a good actress to begin with, but if you cast her opposite a great performance she comes off as seeming a downright terrible actress. This is what happened with Monster, in which Charlize Theron does her Oscar-winning best at becoming unrecognizable. Next to that transformation, Ricci just looks like Ricci, and a really untalented Ricci at that. For the amount of screen time Ricci’s lesbian love-interest character is allotted, Patty Jenkins really should have gotten someone better. Because not only does the performance end up awful next to Theron’s, it ruins a film that is otherwise worth watching for the acting. Silver Screen Confidential (1996) Scott Schwartz actually won an award for this adult film, in which he gives a non-sex performance. It wasn’t his first porn nor was it his last, but because of the recognition he received for this one, it’s being used as the exemplary title. While creepy people out there tend to count down to the day that female child stars reach the age of 18, probably in the hopes that the girls will quickly appear in their first legal nude scene, it is unlikely that anyone was waiting for the day the kid from The Toy, A Christmas Story and Kidco would enter a career in porn. To be honest, we haven’t actually seen any of Schwartz’s adult titles, but we can imagine his appearance is quite distracting to anybody who recognizes him as “Flick” while otherwise trying to get off watching Jenna Jameson. Still, Schwartz does star in his very own title, Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure, so maybe he’s somehow a draw? X-Men (2000) Anna Paquin is the prime reason why the Academy needs to stop allowing child actors Oscar nominations. Yes, Paquin was terrific in The Piano, for which she won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. But then look what happened: she grew up to be an irritating starlet who could ruin a film by Spike Lee, Cameron Crowe or Gus Van Sant with just a single whiny-voiced line while playing the same nymphet character over and over and over. So what if she can claim to have confirmed her talent with a recent Golden Globe win (for TV work)? That still doesn’t take back the fact that she stunk up the first X-Men, one of her rare deviations from her typecast Lolita roles, enough to make it a huge disappointment. Fortunately with the sequels, not even her lack of talent could depreciate X2, and she was far from the worst thing about X-Men: The Last Stand. Thankfully she won’t be in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, nor will she likely be given her own spin-off. Originally posted on:SpoutBlog http://www.spout.com/blogs/spoutblog/archive/2008/11/26/37694.aspx Post By: SpoutBlog
Post To: SpoutBlog on spout.com
Post Date: 11/26/2008 5:01:30 PM
Body: Black Friday is a scary time for shoppers in any given year. The crowds, the lines, the difficulty finding parking — all these and more are common annoyances on the day after Thanksgiving, as millions upon millions of Americans begin the Christmas season by making a run for the shopping malls and department stores in hopes of finding the best bargains. This year, of course, the economic downturn will make the day even worse than usual. The stores may be desperately holding the biggest sales we’ll ever witness, but lowest prices aren’t quite low enough for those who are broke or bankrupt. So, you may stay home this Friday. Perhaps you’ll at least make some minor online purchases, because you’re a patriotic, consuming American and it’s kind of like an unofficial holiday in our capitalist democracy. But don’t not go out to the mall simply because of the craziness potentially happening on its many floors of fashion and furnishings. You mustn’t be frightened of the crowds. Just recall any or all of the following ten movie scenes and by comparison you’ll think your Black Friday errands are like a stroll in the park. 10. Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Sinbad in Jingle All the Way (1996) Maybe in the past there were physical fights for Cabbage Patch Kids or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, but in the age of the Internet, there are easier ways of tracking down hot items on your kid’s wish list. So, while this sequence depicting two fathers’ desperate attempts to locate a Turbo Man toy is ridiculously exaggerated and despicably malicious for its time, it’s now even farther from likelihood and even less possible to sympathize with or relate to. 9. Beethoven shops for keyboards, Genghis Khan tries out baseball bats and other historical figures experience 1980s mall culture in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1988) Obviously you don’t think you’ll be running into such oldies as Abraham Lincoln, Joan of Arc or Billy the Kid, but there could be some relatively ancient folks out and about Friday. And they may not be familiar with such newfangled presents as iPods and Blu-ray. But give the Grannies a break, because they haven’t yet mastered Amazon.com and its not like they’re causing too much ruckus. Unlike Joan and Genghis. 8. Madison learns English at Bloomingdales in Splash (1984) Maybe it is plausible for a mermaid to pick up the local language by watching a few hours of television. How are we to prove otherwise? But wouldn’t she have some kind of an accent if she were used to communicating with high-pitched shrieks? Whatever, it’s obviously not the movie for such questions regarding believabilty. Here’s the more important thing to consider: of all the yelling and screaming going on at the shops this Friday, nothing will be as bad as Madison’s pronunciation of her real name. Also, I bet modern TV screens aren’t as easily shattered. 7. Neo-Nazi salesman at the Army Surplus store in Falling Down (1993) It’s true that many salespersons and cashiers are slow, rude, incompetent or all of the above. But thank goodness there aren’t actually a lot of sexist, homophobic neo-Nazis helping you as you buy shoes. As much as you think you’ve experienced the worst employee ever hired by a retail chain, chances are it wasn’t as much of an inconvenience as it was for William Foster (Michael Douglas) to have to deal with this “sick asshole.” 6. Technicolor fashion show in The Women (1939) This scene is so unnecessary to the film’s plot that it was easily removed for some modern screenings. Mostly it seems just to serve as a showcase for costume designer Adrian, whose fashions are displayed in Technicolor, while the rest of the film is presented in black and white. For the film’s characters to wear any of those outfits, they would have appeared too bold and sexy for their time (it would be like in Pleasantville). Imagine shopping in a store where the clothes aren’t even in the same color spectrum as the world you live in? Okay, in some stores it does seem like that’s the case, but nowhere near as bad as this. 5. Bizarre fashion show in True Stories (1986) And despite its dismissal of physics, the parade in The Women is nowhere near as bad as the fashion show in this bizarre film from Talking Heads frontman David Byrne. There’s not even anything that can be said for this scene other than that we should all be thankful the kids aren’t wearing anything quite so ridiculous. Even some of the stuff at Hot Topic seems more normal in comparison. 4. After hours shopping spree in Modern Times (1936) One great fantasy for all good, consumerist Americans is the empty-store scenario. Whether it’s the end of the world (a la Night of the Comet and 28 Days Later) or simply after hours (Mannequin; El Crimen Ferpecto), the dream is somewhat the same: free reign on all the goods in the store, from food to fashion to roller skates. And for a poor little gamin in Modern Times, it’s like a heavenly shopping spree, even if none of the items are to leave the department store when the fun is over. However, as much as you might hope you had the stores all to yourself on Friday, be thankful that you’re obeying the rules and laws and therefore won’t be arrested when the shopping’s done. 3. Mall car chase in The Blues Brothers (1980) Good thing there’s a quick shot of a Toys “R” Us customer asking a cashier for a Miss Piggy doll or this scene wouldn’t really have anything to do with shopping. It would just simply be a chaotic car chase through a shopping mall. Of course, the destruction could still read as a destroying of the idea of capitalism, just as a similar reading is made about the mall fight in Jackie Chan’s Police Story, as well as any other such mall-set action scene, of which there seemed to be plenty in the materialistic 1980s. As fun as it seems, and as frustrated you might get on Friday, please don’t drive your car into any stores. 2. Zombies go shopping in Dawn of the Dead (1978) This movie is not just some horror flick about people trapped in a mall, threatened by a terrorizing enemy. That’s Chopping Mall. Or the Dawn of the Dead remake. No, this is a satire of consumerism, and all those zombies are representative of the folks you’ll be encountering on Black Friday. But at least they won’t try and eat you. Probably. 1. Richard Pryor is reduced to property in The Toy (1982) Kids are really spoiled these days, even more than they were twenty-six years ago, but no matter how hard it is to imagine what to get the boy who has everything, don’t even think of asking an African-American man if you can buy him for your son. Originally posted on:SpoutBlog
]]>Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:01:30 GMTSpoutBlogSpoutBlog on spout.com11/26/2008 5:01:30 PMBlack Friday is a scary time for shoppers in any given year. The crowds, the lines, the difficulty finding parking — all these and more are common annoyances on the day after Thanksgiving, as millions upon millions of Americans begin the Christmas season by making a run for the shopping malls and department stores in hopes of finding the best bargains. This year, of course, the economic downturn will make the day even worse than usual. The stores may be desperately holding the biggest sales we’ll ever witness, but lowest prices aren’t quite low enough for those who are broke or bankrupt. So, you may stay home this Friday. Perhaps you’ll at least make some minor online purchases, because you’re a patriotic, consuming American and it’s kind of like an unofficial holiday in our capitalist democracy. But don’t not go out to the mall simply because of the craziness potentially happening on its many floors of fashion and furnishings. You mustn’t be frightened of the crowds. Just recall any or all of the following ten movie scenes and by comparison you’ll think your Black Friday errands are like a stroll in the park. 10. Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Sinbad in Jingle All the Way (1996) Maybe in the past there were physical fights for Cabbage Patch Kids or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, but in the age of the Internet, there are easier ways of tracking down hot items on your kid’s wish list. So, while this sequence depicting two fathers’ desperate attempts to locate a Turbo Man toy is ridiculously exaggerated and despicably malicious for its time, it’s now even farther from likelihood and even less possible to sympathize with or relate to. 9. Beethoven shops for keyboards, Genghis Khan tries out baseball bats and other historical figures experience 1980s mall culture in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1988) Obviously you don’t think you’ll be running into such oldies as Abraham Lincoln, Joan of Arc or Billy the Kid, but there could be some relatively ancient folks out and about Friday. And they may not be familiar with such newfangled presents as iPods and Blu-ray. But give the Grannies a break, because they haven’t yet mastered Amazon.com and its not like they’re causing too much ruckus. Unlike Joan and Genghis. 8. Madison learns English at Bloomingdales in Splash (1984) Maybe it is plausible for a mermaid to pick up the local language by watching a few hours of television. How are we to prove otherwise? But wouldn’t she have some kind of an accent if she were used to communicating with high-pitched shrieks? Whatever, it’s obviously not the movie for such questions regarding believabilty. Here’s the more important thing to consider: of all the yelling and screaming going on at the shops this Friday, nothing will be as bad as Madison’s pronunciation of her real name. Also, I bet modern TV screens aren’t as easily shattered. 7. Neo-Nazi salesman at the Army Surplus store in Falling Down (1993) It’s true that many salespersons and cashiers are slow, rude, incompetent or all of the above. But thank goodness there aren’t actually a lot of sexist, homophobic neo-Nazis helping you as you buy shoes. As much as you think you’ve experienced the worst employee ever hired by a retail chain, chances are it wasn’t as much of an inconvenience as it was for William Foster (Michael Douglas) to have to deal with this “sick asshole.” 6. Technicolor fashion show in The Women (1939) This scene is so unnecessary to the film’s plot that it was easily removed for some modern screenings. Mostly it seems just to serve as a showcase for costume designer Adrian, whose fashions are displayed in Technicolor, while the rest of the film is presented in black and white. For the film’s characters to wear any of those outfits, they would have appeared too bold and sexy for their time (it would be like in Pleasantville). Imagine shopping in a store where the clothes aren’t even in the same color spectrum as the world you live in? Okay, in some stores it does seem like that’s the case, but nowhere near as bad as this. 5. Bizarre fashion show in True Stories (1986) And despite its dismissal of physics, the parade in The Women is nowhere near as bad as the fashion show in this bizarre film from Talking Heads frontman David Byrne. There’s not even anything that can be said for this scene other than that we should all be thankful the kids aren’t wearing anything quite so ridiculous. Even some of the stuff at Hot Topic seems more normal in comparison. 4. After hours shopping spree in Modern Times (1936) One great fantasy for all good, consumerist Americans is the empty-store scenario. Whether it’s the end of the world (a la Night of the Comet and 28 Days Later) or simply after hours (Mannequin; El Crimen Ferpecto), the dream is somewhat the same: free reign on all the goods in the store, from food to fashion to roller skates. And for a poor little gamin in Modern Times, it’s like a heavenly shopping spree, even if none of the items are to leave the department store when the fun is over. However, as much as you might hope you had the stores all to yourself on Friday, be thankful that you’re obeying the rules and laws and therefore won’t be arrested when the shopping’s done. 3. Mall car chase in The Blues Brothers (1980) Good thing there’s a quick shot of a Toys “R” Us customer asking a cashier for a Miss Piggy doll or this scene wouldn’t really have anything to do with shopping. It would just simply be a chaotic car chase through a shopping mall. Of course, the destruction could still read as a destroying of the idea of capitalism, just as a similar reading is made about the mall fight in Jackie Chan’s Police Story, as well as any other such mall-set action scene, of which there seemed to be plenty in the materialistic 1980s. As fun as it seems, and as frustrated you might get on Friday, please don’t drive your car into any stores. 2. Zombies go shopping in Dawn of the Dead (1978) This movie is not just some horror flick about people trapped in a mall, threatened by a terrorizing enemy. That’s Chopping Mall. Or the Dawn of the Dead remake. No, this is a satire of consumerism, and all those zombies are representative of the folks you’ll be encountering on Black Friday. But at least they won’t try and eat you. Probably. 1. Richard Pryor is reduced to property in The Toy (1982) Kids are really spoiled these days, even more than they were twenty-six years ago, but no matter how hard it is to imagine what to get the boy who has everything, don’t even think of asking an African-American man if you can buy him for your son. Originally posted on:SpoutBlog http://www.spout.com/members/0/tags/family/MemberTagFilms.aspxfamily
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